Strutting Away from Shame

By Hannah McKnight

There are a zillion ways someone like us can identify as. From the day I learned the word I identified as a crossdresser. When I heard the word transgender I felt it encompassed me more, but it was years until I identified that way. I define transgender as anyone who is outside of the traditional gender norms. A boy who wears eyeliner or paints his nails? Someone killing onstage in drag? A man who wears panties under his three piece suit? I believe they all fall under the bright pink transgender umbrella. Under that umbrella is a term that probably describes who I am the best: I am bi-gender.

I present as either HE or SHE. Yes, there is a little crossover such as wearing panties in boy mode or sleeping in a nightgown, but most of the world sees me in either patent black stilettos or in work boots.

When I make that beautiful transition from one gender presentation and identity to another, I am aware of how much I am changing physically. I have my thigh pads, my hip pads, my breast forms, my hair, both body and wig. My makeup causes my eyes to pop, my face is contoured, my lips painted a bright, glossy red.

But for as many things I can and do change, there are parts of me that no matter what I do, they cannot be altered. I am tall, I have large hands, I have broad shoulders. These are my most "male" features. Yes, I can minimize my shoulders visually, I COULD skip the heels (I will never skip the heels), and I could hide my hands more.

Before I go any further, I wish to clarify that no one, absolutely no one is too tall, too.... anything to be beautiful, to be a girl, to identify however they want. I have met cis-women who are taller than me, even in my highest heels. And I have some high heels.

But these are the parts of me that if I COULD change, I would. I don't believe in passing, of course. As I said, no one is too tall or anything to be a girl. There are no standards that one needs to meet in order to be feminine.

I used to not feel this way, though. I used to think I was too tall to go out, too tall to wear those heels. But it wasn't my height or hands or anything one could see that was holding me back. What was keeping me home was my own thoughts and doubts and fears. Eventually I got tired of strutting around my living room and finally went out that front door and never looked backed. And I thank god every day for that decision.

The more I went out, the less self-conscious I was about my height, my hands, and everything else. Of course people stared, I'm fabulous But kidding aside, people stared because I am wearing a bright pink dress, I am (probably) overdressed for the mall, and I am a transgender girl. Of course people will stare. And when I say stare, it's more like a double-take. They see me, they look again, and we all move on with our lives.

Each time I go out, I feel more empowered than I did the last time. I am conquering an unseen force... my doubts, my fears, my dysphoria. Each time I walked through the front door of a museum, theater, dress shop I was walking away from the part of me that said I couldn't, or shouldn't, do this. Dressing is empowering to me. Going out is empowering to me. Wearing those heels that make me the tallest girl in the city is me saying that no one, not even me, is too tall to be a girl. I am tall, I am an amazon, I am a goddess, I am a six foot tall girl, before the four inch heels. I look down (literally) on those who hate me. Let's see them walk in these stilettos.

If being en femme is not empowering I don't know what is. We are being true to ourselves, despite the world wanting us to suppress who we are.

People are going to see me. Let them look. Let them stare. It doesn't bother me a bit. I spent $80 on a makeover, they better look, lol.

When I feel and look beautiful, I feel I can take on anything. Dressing (for the most part) has always felt empowering to me. Yes, mastering walking in stilettos and being able to do winged eyeliner feels as if I am conquering something, but the real strength comes from letting ourselves listen to this part of us. Accepting and embracing who we are when almost all of society says to stay in our gender lane. We are told to not wear pink, don't wear that skirt, don't paint your nails. We listen for a while... and then some of us stop listening to THEM and we start listening to HER. That is the victory, that is the empowerment.

But before we can feel empowered, many of us have to face the opposite: the shame.

I do not think we are born feeling shame when it comes to wearing or identifying with anything feminine. I believe we are taught this shame. Boys are told not to cry like a girl, boys are mocked if they throw a basketball like a girl, run like a girl, bake like a girl... we are taught that being a girl is something we should be ashamed of. The damage this does to us is severe, not to mention the damage this causes girls who overhear this type of ridicule. We hear these horrible things in our childhood, often right around the time we are starting to pay attention to what we feel, and what we want to wear. These feelings of shame can be entwined with our wanting to wear that dress, those shoes.

This side of us is wonderful. It is nothing to be ashamed of. There is nothing wrong with us. We are all goddesses. We are women.

And fear? Of course we're afraid. I'm afraid of the stem of my heel snapping, I am afraid of my stockings getting a run in them. Joking aside, I am afraid of being harassed. As powerful as I feel en femme, sometimes a snide comment can destroy my confidence. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. I am afraid of being attacked, of course. I am afraid of being seen by someone I am not out to, especially if that someone is not someone I want to be out to ...ever. It's natural to be afraid. It's normal. But fear is not something that we should let control our lives. Rather, we can mitigate it. Afraid of being seen by someone you know? Go to a different town. Afraid of being attacked? Go to a very public place (which is scary in a different way), but I feel more at ease in a crowded mall than anywhere else. Afraid of your stockings running? Keep a second pair in your purse. I know I do.

Just like there are a zillion ways we can identify, there are countless feelings and emotions this side of us can bring. Sometimes we feel them all at once. My legs tremble with fear at the same time my skin tingles with joy when I step out. It's exhausting.

There is no shame in who you are. There is no shame in beauty, in being feminine. Being true to yourself is the most powerful thing you can be.

Love, Hannah

By Carollyn Olson

Ooooooooooooh, to wish I knew then what I know now. But, then again, would I have put everything I have learned in near 40 years of crossdressing into practice?

Many of you know, from my earlier articles, I was a late bloomer when it came to crossdressing, starting at age 32. When I began, the internet was non-existent and Payless Shoes, or any major department store for that matter, did not carry women’s shoes above size 10. Now, at age 72, so much has changed and there are so many opportunities for younger crossdressers to develop into “the woman they want to be” at an earlier age. And, for the older crossdressers, we can continue refining ourselves.

A friend of mine once told me “when you go to sleep at night and if you haven’t learned something during the day, the day is not worth living.” I’ve taken my friend’s advice to heart and try to discover something new every day, no matter how small the revelation may be. I’ve learned so much and it has enhanced my ability to age slowly – I feel like I’m 55 and believe I look even younger – and continue to enjoy being out-and-about as an accepted crossdresser.

Even though I have always tried to dress age appropriate, when I was younger I desired to be sexier and show more cleavage than I do now. Unlike many girls, I have never had the sensation that is the sexual component of dressing. However, I do know a number of girls who did, and have related to me, that the feeling has diminished and/or vanished as they grew older. For most, when they were much younger, there was always a sexual tension that went along with dressing, and being sexually aroused when one looked into the mirror. Now, as we all age, one can simply enjoy the look of a pretty woman.

The biggest plus from my early crossdressing days was that I have always been accepted when out in public. I don’t know if I can give credit to my mother, who always looked young, or to my genes. Either way, I have never received negative comments or been treated meanly when dressed as a woman.

For me, there are good physical signs that come with growing older which make me feel even more natural when dressing.

Gravity and old age have helped with creating more natural breasts and a bit of a beer belly. For years I have worn 38C breast forms, but now, I have enough sagging “male boobs” tissue to fill a 38B…and if I want to go larger, I can wear a padded bra or add a little extra cushion. Another friend of mine, who is the same age, has become so natural, she has developed perfectly formed 38C breasts and is often asked if her breasts are real or if she has had implants. She loves to tell the “inquiring fan” that “they are mine.”

A corset has become a necessity to eliminate the stomach bulge. Ten years ago, I would never have thought of wearing a corset in lieu of a body shaper and hip pads. Now, I would not dress without one, as my waist measurements can be reduced from 34 to 28 inches unless I pull the cords even tighter…ouch!!!

When I was younger, I needed to shave the blonde hair on my legs at least once a month. Now, due to aging, the hair on my legs has virtually disappeared. What a pleasure to not have to “lather up” when showering.

What to wear has never been a problem for me. I have always tried to dress appropriately and somewhat conservatively. Short dress hemlines and low-cut sweaters and blouses are still in vogue, but I don’t wear short skirts or expose my breasts as often as I did in the past. Both are still fun, but at my age, I dress more discreetly.

I love wearing dresses, so it is easy to find lovely outfits, many of which I have purchased from my friends at En Femme. I can’t keep track of the compliments I receive when wearing my En Femme dresses. My favorite may be the blue and white checked Hi-Lo dress, which I purchased last year and have worn so many times when visiting my hair salon or out with friends for a movie or dinner or at social gatherings.

There are definitely a number of negatives about getting older, but I try not to worry and compensate the best I can.

The biggest drawbacks are “wrinkles” and a “turkey neck.” One always wants to look their best and as young as possible, so I use anti-aging creams, some temporary enhancers for under the eyes, a bit of taping on my forehead to lift my eyebrows, and taping under my jaw line to get rid of the “turkey neck.”

Applying makeup and getting dressed seem to take longer than in the past, as well. I once could apply my makeup and dress and be out the door in less than an hour, but now it has stretched out an additional 30 minutes or so. However, the older I get, the more of a perfectionist I have become. I will always want to look my best.

Mostly gone are the days of wearing 4-inch heels for almost every occasion, but that doesn’t bother me. What’s an inch less anyway? You can keep your balance and still look stylish. I have to remember I’m not 35-40 any longer.

Confidence remains the key to crossdressing, no matter what age you are. Being older, I have found an even greater desire to be out in public, even though I never was “closeted” or afraid to get out and do things when I was younger. I always felt that “if I worked so hard to get dressed, why wouldn’t I go out and enjoy myself.”

Being an older crossdresser, I have also developed a number of relationships with other “girls” from around the world who have become confidants and dear friends. When I was younger, I felt so alone and prayed to find a few crossdressing friends. Obviously, when and as the internet developed, it played a huge part in opening the world to crossdressers, and thank God it did. I recall the first crossdressing website I discovered was Vicki Rene’s Prettiest of the Pretty. I could not believe the beautiful men-turned-women on the site. It definitely helped me with my desire to look “the best I can be.”

What does the future hold? I know I will never give up my desire to crossdress. It is embedded in me as it is with most “girls.” I figure, if a friend of mine who is in her 90s can continue to enjoy being a woman, why can’t I??? And, so can you!!!

Online, Ourselves

By Hannah McKnight

Girls like us tend to be resourceful. Although a bad selfie, after an hour of carefully applying our makeup, can send us into a pit of despair and depression (trust me, I've been there, and I am there more often than I would want to admit), we are generally determined to try again. I know girls like me who carefully modify earrings into a clip-on style because she can't get her ears pierced. I know girls who have developed an intricate, and multi-step process in blending different types and different shades of foundation to counter the slight blue-ish tint that a beard line can create. And which of us hasn't spent hours (or years) carefully balancing on five inch stilettos so we can confidently strut through a mall (or living room)?

I am amazed when I look back in my life at how often I dressed or shopped for panties without ever being caught. We have trained ourselves to be aware of our surroundings lest we are seen by someone we know while we shop for a cute bra to match our panties. Growing up I marveled at how quickly I would change as soon as my mom left for the day, and how fast I could change back right before she pulled into the garage. When this side of us is a secret, we do what we can, we do what we must, to acknowledge and, in a way, to care for this side of us.

As mandatory shelter-in-place orders are announced throughout the country, many of us have had our lives turned inside-out in a lot of ways. Basic necessities are hard to find, schools are closed, and events are canceled. We are careful with our hygiene, we watch the news as COVID-19 spreads, and we worry about... well, everything.

I am not minimizing the danger and seriousness of a worldwide pandemic. We all know what it is happening, and what the threat is. I know there are more serious aspects to all of this besides our personal gender identity. Smarter people than I have written about what is occurring out there. In times like this, we need to be aware of the physical impacts a virus can cause, but also the psychological and emotional toll this can create. This side of us is huge. For some of us, it is literally half of who we are. She is just as important as anything else in our lives. Not being able to acknowledge her can cause anxiety and stress. And since things are stressful enough, it is important that we are taking care of ourselves in all matters, and our gender expression and identity is crucial.

Girls like us are used to having a second life, so to speak. Hannah has different friends, clothes, (obviously) and interests than my male side. The internet and social media is a wonderful way for our femme selves to slowly introduce her to the world. We can make friends, learn makeup techniques, start a blog, and best of all, shop. Our online lives can require as much attention and work as our "real" lives. Our online lives are more accessible than ever before. It used to be we would need to be home to check our email, but now Hannah can reply to a tweet while in line at a coffee shop. Like most tools, the internet can be a wonderful and useful resource. In times like these, it's not as easy for me to stay connected to Hannah's life. I am used to going out en femme, I am used to seeing her friends... but until things start going back to normal, the internet is how she stays in touch with the world outside of the house.

As our real life adapts, and as our internet usage increases, it's an appropriate time to think about protecting yourself online. I know, I know... I sound like your mom. But this is a little different... especially if you are not out to everyone in your lives.

The internet is forever. If you post a photo it's there until the end of time, even if you take it down. Someone can easily and quickly download it after you post it and there's nothing you can do about that. If you post something, do so with the mindset that anyone can see it.

Anyone.

Including your mom, your homophobic supervisor, and neighbors.

A photo of you en femme can be used against you. It's not fair and your gender identity is no one else's business (except your partner's). I have had jobs where I know my life would have been a living hell if my boss or coworker saw a picture of Hannah and, well, figured it out. In some states you can be fired for being transgender and although you might identify as a crossdresser, let's face it, most companies don't know, or care, about the difference between those two terms. You might think it's unlikely someone would find your blog, your Flickr account, your Fetlife profile or your femme Facebook page, but it can happen. Assume it will, or at least be prepared for it if it happens.

I have my website, a Flickr account, and of course my partnership with En Femme. For every one photo of me in male mode, there are a hundred of Hannah. I am very much out there when it comes to being online, and although I tend to linger around the more queer parts of the internet, it's not unrealistic to suppose that one could find me. I am at peace with this. That doesn't mean I want everyone to know. Oh no, absolutely not. But I have prepared myself for this. I am secure enough of my gender identity that if I was discovered, I can have that conversation even if I don't want to.

Having a social media life is a wonderful way to connect with others. If you are feeling insecure about your makeup skills, a compliment from a stranger can totally make your day and boost your confidence. Making friends with others like us can help us feel less lonely. It's easy to see how a girl like us can be drawn to this. Not to be pessimistic, but this can be risky. I've written about the Pink Fog before and how the desire to have a connectivity to our femme selves can lead to hasty decisions and choices we should think twice about. Sometimes this can lead to us spending a little more on a stilettos than we probably should, other times it can cause us to post a photo or create a Facebook page for our femme selves when we should probably think about it before doing so.

I was always a little amazed that, as far as I know, I was never "caught". I've never been seen, again, as far as I know, by a friend or family member looking at bras in the lingerie section of a store. But the online world is another way not only for us to be out there, but another way for us to be outed. I tell myself it's unlikely that someone will stumble upon my blog or Flickr accounts unless they are specifically looking for trans-related things. If a friend who doesn't know about Hannah were to find her photos because they were looking for information about how to cover beard shadow or where to buy size 12 red patent heels, I am not worried about being outed by them. If anything, I will have someone new I can introduce Hannah to. But the risk is always there.

Is it possible that I could accidentally post a photo of Hannah to the Twitter account that belongs to my male self instead of Hannah's? Is it possible I could accidentally text a photo of her to someone instead of the picture I intended? Is it possible that Facebook, through their (slightly invasive) algorithms end up suggesting the page you created for your femme self to a coworker?Of course it is. It's happened to many girls I know. For those of us who aren't out to our partners, you run the risk of them seeing your Google history or a private message notification. This is the 21st century's version of your wife finding that box of dresses you have hidden in the garage.

Of course, I do not advocate hiding this side of you to your partner. I am not here to encourage you to hide this, or anything else from your significant other. In my opinion, it is a zillion times better for you to have "the talk" then have your partner find your online activity, a revealing photo, or panties stash.

When I was growing up, everything I had dreamed of is now possible. I can buy dresses online, I can chat with others like us. The virtual world is filled with resources and ways to express myself and websites where I can add to my shoe collection. It's wonderful. There is always a chance of us being caught for those who want or need to keep this side of ourselves a secret and going online opens up as many risks as it does opportunities.

Love, Hannah

No Looking Back

By Hannah McKnight

I hate hearing about how we are all on a journey.  It gives the impression that we are forever wandering and looking to find something, or to arrive somewhere.  That discovering ourselves is something that is never finished and we are looking for a destination where we will never arrive.  When I hear about other t-girls and their journey, I tell myself my journey is over.  I have arrived, and I have arrived fabulously.  I am not looking for who I am, I am not trying to find myself.  I am finished.  I am complete.  If I was on a journey it started when I was four when I tried on my mother's high heels.  It ended the day I completed my look with my first real wig and dressed en femme from head to pink nail polished toes for the first time.

I think what bothers me the most about the idea of being on a journey is that it's probably the most accurate description of who we are and what we are doing.  Like many journeys, this path to discovering our identity is fraught with setbacks, false starts, beautiful experiences, and frightening moments.  Over the years I have experienced many moments of pure joy such as owning my first matching bra and panty, the first time I woke up in a nightie, and seeing myself after a makeover.  There's been so many thrilling moments including mastering walking in stilettos or applying liquid eyeliner flawlessly for the first time.  There has been terrifying moments such as those nights where I would lie in bed and thinking what would happen if I someone saw the pink lace of my panties peeking out from under my jeans or the time I literally ran into my mom when I was out en femme.

Our gender identities (and let's face it, our journeys) are never straightforward or a straight line.  There are obstacles, unintentionally getting lost, backtracking, and times where we take a break.  If we are on a journey with our gender identity, that adventure starts at the very same time we realize that... well, we are not MEN in the common thinking.  There's just something about high heels, lipstick, lingerie, and dresses that just... speaks to us.  We're not sure what that little black dress is saying, but God, we are paying attention to it.  And so begins this adventure.

I know a lot of t-girls and although we are all at different stages of our lives, whether we are ten years into retirement or still in college, we all have very similar stories.  We were young, we were curious, the magnetic-like pull of a pencil skirt or a bra was irresistible.  We try on that dress, play with mascara, and... we stop.  We suppress these desires, we deny our feelings, and we give in blissfully and willingly soon enough.  Over time we buy our first pair of panties, our first dress, and regardless of how small and humble it is, our wardrobe is starting.

And then it stops.  We purge.  We toss out our beautiful lingerie, that pair of strappy black patent stilettos that we wore and practiced strutting in.  All of it, gone.  Our journey stops.  Until it starts again.  We are at the mall and we see a dress we can't resist.  We buy a new nightgown online.  Joy intensifies.  Our wardrobe is starting once more.

Perhaps this gets purged again.  Perhaps not.  We might toss it all and start over a dozen times throughout our lives.  Each time we begin again we are reminded that this is who we are.  We can't deny it.  But it's not a new beginning, not really.  It's resuming the journey that we already started.  We are just inching further along.

As our wardrobe grows, we are learning so much about ourselves.  We are learning which foundation is right for our skin tone, what our dress size is, and how to accessorize.  But we are also learning that we are who we are.  We are learning to accept ourselves.  And this revelation is akin to going miles down that path in our journey.  After acceptance comes embracing who we are.  At this point we are no longer walking down that path, we have boarded a bullet train.

Our journey was filled with starts and stops.  Buying and purging.  Denial and acceptance.  Perhaps we were looking over our shoulder and glancing back and not willing to accept who we are.  The journey may have stopped a few times, it may have slowed to a crawl.  But we never went back.  We couldn't, no matter how much we wanted to.

Once we have accepted and embraced who we are, then the road becomes... well, not easier, but different.  Perhaps the road was winding but the road is little more straightish.  The road probably has more peaks and valleys just as our lives have more highs and lows.  We are strutting forward with the wind of denial and self-torment at our backs.  We have made the biggest change of our lives by deciding to no longer deny who we are, what we want to wear.  Purging is a thing of the past.

We make room in our wardrobes for our dresses, we might tell others in our lives who we are.  Our lives begin to change.  We may still be in the closet to most of the world, but the important thing is we are no longer trying to deny this, we are no longer trying to suppress this side of us.  We are who we are and hopefully we love this side of us.  I think we do.  I know I do.  Acceptance can also lead to other changes besides just a growing and unstoppable collection of high heels.  It can lead to other physical changes.  I am not talking about hormones or surgery, but there are other things we do.  We are often bolstered by accepting ourselves and this can lead to expanding our wardrobe or going out en femme or coming out to others in our lives.  But we might start thinking about changes to our male appearance for the... ah, benefit of our femme selves.

Years of cardio, biking, and the Stairmaster has given me a fabulous pair of legs in my opinion.  Besides all those steps, my legs look amazing thanks to nice, smooth skin.  I loved my legs but I was always afraid to shave them. I was worried about what others would think.  Would they figure it out?  But as I accepted myself, I started to care less about what others thought.  Besides, who really sees my legs?  I can wear pants instead of shorts if I needed to.  Once I shave my legs, there was no going back.  Nothing feels better or looks better than a shaven, smooth leg.  Shaving my legs represented me accepting and embracing who I am, and what I want to look like.  Yes, people likely noticed, but I didn't care.  I also realized that most people probably wouldn't care or even bother speculating why my legs were shaven.

Soon my arms were smooth.  I could finally wear sleeveless tops and dresses.  But the defining moment was my eyebrows.  Some of us wax them, I have mine threaded.  En femme they look fabulous.  In male mode, well, they also look fabulous, but I don't think they are overly femme.  Yes, they are thinner and have a bit of a shaped arch, but I think they suit my face.

These are some of the physical changes I made when I fully accepted and embraced who I am.  There's no going back, physically, or emotionally.

Love, Hannah

Taking the Next Step - Goals and Challenges

By Hannah McKnight

I know its a cliche but I love a fresh start. I love being able to begin again, I love starting over. I love a challenge, I love setting goals.

I love taking the next step. In stilettos, naturally.

It doesn't seem like that long ago when I would go to the mall and avoid glancing over at the lingerie sections of a department store lest someone figure out my secret. I am not sure when I found the courage to do so, or where that bravery came from, but one day I bought a pair of panties and never looked back. I never thought I would do anything more fearless than that, but fast forward a decade (or two) and, well, here I am.

I look at my photos and I look at my wardrobe and it all looks so easy. These days I never think twice about walking across a parking lot to a salon for a makeover. Strutting through the mall in four inch heels? Easy peasy. Bra fitting? No problem.

But what's next? Ten years ago if I looked at what my life is like today I would have thought I wouldn't want anything more. As I become more confident and comfortable living a double life (if you will) and having two gender identities, I've wanted to do more "everyday" things. At one time going out en femme meant visiting a LGBTQ+ bar or a drag show. Then progressing to a coffee shop owned by a trans woman. Soon I was attending support groups for transgender women. Going out en femme meant going to places where a girl like me wasn't unusual. But after limiting myself to these types of places for a while I began to grow restless. I wanted something new. My confidence grew, I was comfortable being out in the real world, and I wanted to experience more than what I had already done.

I started to list all the places I would go if I were brave. Shopping at the mall, getting a makeover, that cute store in Minneapolis that sold amazing dresses, having coffee, going out to dinner. And then one day in June... I just did it. The first time I went out en femme during the day was an experience I will never forget. Too excited to sleep, I woke up early and got dressed. I wore a cute pastel tank top, a black cardigan, a skirt with a floral pattern, black stockings, and black stilettos. As nervous as I was, my eyeliner looked amazing despite my trembling hand.

Before I had a chance to talk myself out of it, I was in my car and on my way to a coffee shop. I drove about twenty miles away from where I lived to hopefully avoid anyone I knew. I parked my car and walked about two blocks to get my coffee. I will never forget the sensation of my heels on the sidewalk, the wind through my long, black hair, the rising sun warming my body. It was a new day... in more than one way.

I took a deep breath and walked through the door of the cafe. The baristas smiled at me... and it was sincere. I ordered my coffee, gave my name(!), and waited with the other early risers for my latte. After getting my coffee, I realized I had accomplished something amazing. Yes, this was something I did many times in male mode, but this.... this was different. It was a high heeled step into another world.

Bursting with pride and confidence and acceptance, I walked into the small upscale grocery store next door to the cafe. My heels clicking on the floor, the clerks looking at me (but not staring at me), and everyone (including me) just going about their day. It was bliss. I had been so afraid to do this, but strolling through the produce section of a grocery store on a Friday morning felt like a new beginning. I was afraid of people staring, rude comments, pointing, harassment, and worse. But it was a beautiful morning.

Bolstered by the uneventful moments, I decided to make my early morning coffee run into a day of running errands. By the time my day was over, I had visited two malls, two large department stores, more coffee shops (not that I needed more caffeine) and had lunch. I returned home just... glowing. I felt like I had climbed a mountain. I had crossed so many things off of my wish list that day but as the days and weeks passed, I dreamed up more things I wanted to do. And eventually, one by one, I crossed those off my list. Museums, plays, lingerie shopping, dinner at expensive restaurant, Pride festivals, photo shoots...

But as the new year settles in, I am started to daydream once again. What's next? What is left on my wish list? I would love to be a bridesmaid at a wedding. I would love to attend a fancy gala. I would love to fly and travel en femme.

These days I feel I have the confidence to go anywhere en femme. The goals listed above are things I'll do, but just haven't gotten around to doing. These dreams feel... easy. But I love a challenge. I love to push myself in many aspect of my life, and half of my life is the life I have en femme. The idea of going through airport security and hopping on a plane and going to a new city feels like a breeze compared to other goals I have, namely my immediate family knowing me. All of me. Both of me. I have come out to my mom and siblings, but that was years ago. I wasn't who I am then. It's true you can only come out once, but as my gender identity evolves and as I understand myself (and herself) better, perhaps coming out again is the next challenge.

What are your goals and challenges?

Love, Hannah

Managing the Pink Fog

By Hannah McKnight

Coming out will definitely change your life. It will change the life of the the person you come out to. In some ways your life will be better, it may be harder, but your life will undoubtedly become more complicated. When you choose to come out (as opposed to being "caught"), you have accepted your new, or dual, gender identity. Regardless of how you identify, your wardrobe is likely getting a makeover. And it is the best thing ever. As complicated and difficult as coming out is, there is a part of you that is liberated. You are no longer denying who you are, even if you are not completely sure of who you are. You are in a new phase of your life, and as wonderful as it may be, it is not always easy to navigate this new chapter.

If you've ever started a new career, you can understand how it takes time to adjust to your new job. You learn your way around the office, the office culture, who to avoid, the phone system... this is all easy compared to adjusting to a new or evolving gender identity. And like getting accustomed to who you are, you are always going to make mistakes. But that's okay. Making mistakes is how you learn. My motto is that crossdressing takes time, patience, money, and mistakes. There was so much I have learned over the past twenty years. How to drop my hips when I walk in heels, how to apply liquid eyeliner, how to avoid getting lipstick on my teeth when I'm eating...

In addition to making mistakes, we can also make a lot of bad decisions. Often these poor choices go hand in hand with poor judgement and carelessness. This carelessness and lack of judgement is often connected to our liberation. We have come out, we have done the impossible, we have done something we never thought we would be able to do. Regardless of the reaction from the person we came out to, we have COME OUT. Even if it's just to one person, we have had a discussion about what we like to wear, what we want to wear, and how we feel.

We are emboldened, we are proud, we have accepted who we are.

And now we are lost in the Pink Fog.

The Pink Fog is a state of mind when we are so... lost in our femininity, we are happy that we have accepted this side of us, we took our gender identity to a new level, from secret... to a shared secret. Someone else knows. We are not hiding it anymore. It is not uncommon for this fog to, well, cloud our judgment. Sometimes being lost in the fog can result in something relatively harmless, such as splurging a few pairs of stilettos and a new pencil skirt instead of paying the electric bill. Sometimes being lost in the fog can be... well, a disaster.

When we come out to our partners, it can go a few different ways. It is not uncommon for our partners to set limits or boundaries when it comes to this side of us. This may be frustrating to you, but we need to give our partners time to adjust to this revelation, and to process who we are. We need to be patient, kind, and caring to who we come out to. Like our first time in six inch stilettos (and we all have tried six inch stilettos), it's all about baby steps. Our partners may ask us to not post any photos online. They may ask us not to leave the house en femme in case you are seen by someone you both know. If you do enter the real world en femme, then you may be asked to avoid certain malls or parts of the city in which you live as those areas may be frequented by your friends and family members.

Let's not forget that many of us were in the closet for so long because we were afraid of being caught, and we were afraid of someone not understanding this side of us. Our partners now have that same fear. My wife understands and accepts this side of me to the extent either of us can understand it, but she rightly fears no one else will. My wife is wonderful on so many levels and we discuss everything from eyeliner to politics to Taylor Swift to cat videos. She has also asked me to not shop at a particular mall because it is so close to our home and every time we go there we run into someone we know.

When we are lost in the fog, it's not unheard of for us to... step across the boundaries. All of our lives we have dreamed of living as who we are, and it's tempting to want to keep going to the next level, if you will. It's not unlike going from panties to a bra to a dress to a wig to makeup. We accept ourselves, we come out to someone, we want to keep getting closer to living the life we dreamed of. We want total freedom, we want to shop en femme, we want to post photos of ourselves wearing a new dress, or get feedback on our new eyeshadow. We want to do things that our wonderful, confused, and patient partners have asked us not to do.

And sometimes we do it anyway. What's the harm? Who will know? What are the chances we will run into someone we know if we just pop into the mall for an hour?

We can justify our decisions all we want. And its true, you may, for lack of a better term, get away with it. But what happens if you don't? I fully believe that we need to be upfront, honest, and transparent about who we are to our partners. I did not want my wife to find my panties. I wanted to tell her. And I did. If our partners were to learn of us going outside of these boundaries it becomes a serious violation of trust. And this violation might not be the first when it comes to this side of us. All of a sudden a pattern develops about our dressing. What else did we lie about?

As we make this step from living a secret life, from having a secret side of us to accepting and embracing who we are, it is important we continue to be honest and open. With ourselves and with who shares this secret. We trust our partners with this, it is important for us to respect our partners and for us to be worthy of their trust, too.

Love, Hannah

A Perfect World

By Hannah McKnight

For me, the gateway was heels.  At five years old I was fascinated and mesmerized by anything that girls wore.  I longed to wear skirts, lipstick, and that gorgeous princess dress my sister had.  It would be another year or so until the elaborate and delicate lingerie modeled by mannequins in department stores became my new obsession, but my first experience in this beautiful world was sneaking into a closet and trying on a pair of my mom's high heels.  Of course they were way too big for me but it was a thrilling moment that decades later I can recall with perfect clarity.

I knew even then that as beautiful as this forbidden world was, it was also a lonely one.  Boys were teased and called sissies if they did anything that wasn't associated with football or violence or being tough.  Men wearing dresses were portrayed as comedic fodder in movies.  Society did a very effective job at telling me that this world was not for me unless I wanted to be humiliated or worse.  This beautiful world became my secret world, and as I got older, a refuge from the everyday stress and realities of life.  Is there anything better after a long day at work than slipping into four inch heels, a corset, and stockings? 

It's typical for us to go through stages of guilt and shame at this side of us.  However we can (and should) accept and ultimately embrace who we are.  We will not change, we can't change, and we shouldn't change who we are. 

I accepted that this is who I am a long time ago.  I knew I would never change.  I also wondered why I ever thought I could.  I absolutely love this part of me.  It makes me so happy.  Why on earth would I want this to be erased?  Knowing I wouldn't change, and knowing I shouldn't change if it makes me happy, I soon fully embraced who I was.  Finally breaking through any sort of mental anguish that I felt, I was now ready to face another emotion.

Loneliness.

This secret, forbidden, beautiful world  is a private one.  We keep this to ourselves for many reasons, not only is it because no one needs (or wants) to know what panties I am wearing (except that one guy who keeps messaging me on Twitter), but we also learned that this part of us is supposed to be embarrassing and is misunderstood.  Things are better these days than they were thirty years ago when it comes to those of us who identify as transgender or as non-binary, but we still have a ways to go. 

When something makes us happy, it's not uncommon to want to share it.  Embracing this part of me felt like a major accomplishment and I was proud of myself.  As my look evolved from lingerie to the towering glamazon I am today, I also got to know my femme side's personality.  Clothes can absolutely impact my mood, regardless of which gender I am presenting as.  When I present as male, I am happy to stay home and read, but when the heels were on I surprised myself realizing I wanted to hit the mall and be around people.  Hannah is incredibly social whereas my male side is a lot more introverted.

I am very fortunate to have such an amazing wife.  On every level.  She makes our house a home, she's hilarious, cute, smart, patient, and kind.  The early days as she watched and guided me from underdressing to applying eyeliner to instructing me to drop my hips when I walk in stilettos were not always easy for her, but our openness and honesty with each other as I explored this side of me helped considerably.  We spent countless evenings having girls nights drinking wine and catching up after a busy day.  It was, and is, wonderful.

These girls nights made my world a lot less lonely.  I realized, and still realize, how lucky I am to have her in my life, and in Hannah's life.  Talking to my wife en femme is different than when I am a boy.  In the early days my personality and mannerisms were very different from each other depending on my gender presentation, but other the years the differences became less distinct.  It was easier for Hannah to be more vulnerable, empathetic, patient, and open.  Over time the boy side of me was able to communicate better too.  I think Hannah made me, and still makes me, a better person. 

Coming out to our spouses is an overwhelming moment in our lives.  Sometimes it doesn't go well.  But for some of us, the fortunate ones, it can be life-changing.  In a good way.  Before I go on, I want to emphasize that how someone reacts to this side of us does not necessarily reflect on the type of person they are.  This aspect of us is not easy to understand and can cause a lot of stress and emotion from our partners.  For some, it's not something they can handle or accept from their husband or boyfriend.  This does not make them a bad person.  Please remember that.

I've written previously about how this revelation can go very badly, but this conversation can also go the way exactly the way we hoped, or even better than we dared to dream.  When we have a supportive partner, our relationships will typically fall into two different scenarios.  Neither my wife or I understand this part of me, but she recognizes and understands that Hannah is (literally) part of me.  This is who I am.  She knows this part of me makes me happy.  She knows I am not able to change, and that I don't want to change, even if I could.  I came out to her early in our relationship as I knew I wanted to spend my life with her, and if this part of me was a deal-breaker, we needed to get it out into the open, before the relationship became even more serious.  Let's face it, this part of us can be a deal-breaker.  Coming out to her was hard for both of us, and there were some difficult and tense moments over the first few years, but communication and honesty were our guiding stars that we used to navigate those talks.

These days we have conversations about makeup techniques and clothing styles.  She borrows my foundation, she recommends eyeliner to me.  I keep nothing from her.  She has even written an article for my website.  I'm sure to an outsider our conversations and lives in this regard would seem very atypical, but I think that is true of any couple if you saw every aspect of their relationship.  I am blessed to have her in my life, regardless of my gender identity.

When we work up the courage to come out to our partners, many of us secretly dream not only will the accept this side of ourselves but that they will be excited that in addition to having a husband, they also have a girlfriend.  I know a lot of t-girls and some of them have wives and girlfriends who go out with them.  They shop together, go out to dinner, and do things that girlfriends do.  This is the other scenario that having a supportive partner is.  Supportive, and participating.

Regardless of what our partners' comfort level is, having someone to talk to abut everything from lipstick to dysphoria to fashion is wonderful.  To go from hiding the biggest secret in the universe to openly showing each other cute skirts is indescribable.  Finding someone we want to share our lives with is a wonderful thing.  Finding someone who wants the same thing from us is beautiful.  Add this part of us into any relationship is a new dynamic and not one every partner will understand, tolerate, or accept.  Again, this is not a reflection on them.  My wife is amazing in a million ways, and I am sure your spouse is as well, but her accepting this side of me does not necessarily make her better than a partner who would prefer not to ever discuss this topic ever again.  Finding someone to share our everyday lives with is a treasure.  We must be honest with them, and we must be honest with ourselves, especially with this part of us.

Love, Hannah

The Aftermath

By Hannah McKnight

If you are like me, you have been who you are for your entire life.  This side of you likely started at an early point in your life.  It evolved over time.  You became bolder, braver, more confident that that this side of you was, and will always be a part of you.  It is not a phase, it is not something you will outgrow.  If you're lucky, you have embraced this side of yourself and you wouldn't change this part of you even if you could.

If you are like me, you have kept this side of you to yourself.  I have never been ashamed about this side of who I am, but I have always realized that this is not something I understood, and I knew that it was unlikely that anyone else would understand either.  I was afraid of someone finding out, so I kept this private.  I was afraid of being made fun of, I was afraid of not being accepted.  I was afraid of the potential reaction.  I was afraid of how this revelation would alter a relationship, regardless of whether it was a relationship with a friend, family member, or a significant other. 

I was afraid of the aftermath.

But I knew this part of me was as much of a part of me as anything else that made me who I am.  I knew that if I was going to be in a relationship I would have to tell my partner.  Knowing that this was the right thing to do did not make it any easier to have the talk, but I had to do it.  I have had the talk with three significant others and was apprehensive about it each time.  Each time it went in a different direction and there was no question that it changed the dynamic between the two of us. 

Coming out to your significant other is not easy.  Regardless of how well you know someone, it's still impossible to predict their response.  We fear the worst when it comes to coming out as we have no idea what this revelation will mean in terms of not only our dressing, but also in regards to how this will impact our relationship with our significant other.  But what happens next after this revelation comes to light?  Unfortunately it does not always go the way we would like it to.  I hate to dwell on the negative, but it's important to be realistic and prepared.  It can be, well, soul crushing to come out to the person we love more than anyone in the world and be rejected for who we are. 

I do want to state that every relationship is different.  Every dynamic between two people is unique.  Coming out can affect two people in very unpredictable ways and this is not meant to be a definitive or final word on this matter.   

Will this end your relationship?  Possibly.  This is not something that is easy for someone else to understand or to accept.  The issue is not always the revelation, however.  Perhaps your partner feels that this is something you should have told them before you got married instead of ten years into a marriage.  Perhaps this news uncovers a lie, or a series of lies about this side of you.  Maybe it wasn't a business trip you went on but instead a weekend in a different city where you treated yourself to a makeover and shopping. 

The first girl I came out to simply... shut it down.  She thanked me for telling her but she asked me to, well, never do it again.  I promised I wouldn't, mostly out of relief that she didn't break up with me.  I also believed that I could stop.  Ha.  The day after we broke up I bought some new lingerie and shaved my legs.  It is not an uncommon outcome for our significant others to ask us to promise them that we will never dress again.  They want assurance that this side of us in the past.  They never, ever, want to talk about this again.  Ever.  They want to move on. 

This does not necessarily make them a bad person.  Please know this.  But if this part of you is an essential part of you, then you need to know how your partner views this aspect of you before you enter into a committed relationship... for both of your sake.   

Although this side of us is hard enough for us to understand, it's even harder for someone else to.  However, our partners may understand that this is a part of us that we can't, or don't want to, change.  It is not easy for our partners to see our pink panties in the laundry basket, a lacy bra strap peeking out under our shirt, a new dress hanging in our closet, or traces of mascara on our eyelashes.  Some of us have partners who acknowledge and have accepted that this is who we are... but they would prefer not to see any off this side of us.  A familiar dynamic is a somewhat informal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' agreement.  They know about this side of us, but they don't want to see any of our clothes or know any details in regards to our dressing.

It is somewhat a compromise and couples will develop, whether it is intentional or not, a language of code words such as "I'm going out on Saturday night" or "Jennifer has plans that day" when both of you know that you are Jennifer.  Although this dynamic is not ideal for either person, one wishes they had more freedom and support, and the other preferring this side of their partner not existing, it is still somewhat a sign of support from their partner.  We know this side of us is exactly that - a side of us.  We know its not going away.  Our partners acknowledging, and being able to accommodate this aspect of us, however limiting, is a form of acceptance. 

Our hesitation to come out to our partners is sometimes fueled by us not knowing how they will react.  This reluctance can also be bolstered by fearing either of these outcomes.  We fall in love with our partners and we want to be with them.  Any revelation or change that could potentially end, or significantly change our relationship with them is frightening.  We have lived our entire lives with this side of us.  We have accepted and hopefully even embraced who we are.  We have made this part of us work within our daily, personal lives.  We are used to the limitations that exist when it comes to us wanting to be who we are, or dress how we want.  We want change, but we also fear it.  We worry that coming out is not worth these risks.  I understand this.  Believe me, I wrestle with coming out to other people in my life whenever I see them.  I want to, but I am afraid of how my relationship with them will change.  Sometimes it can go badly, but sometimes it can be the best decision you will ever make. 

Love, Hannah

The Talk

By Hannah McKnight

I have written previously about the importance of being honest with your significant other.  It is not only essential (and the right thing to do) to disclose who you are (and what you like to wear) to your partner, it is also critical to be honest with yourself.  This is a beautiful part of you that will not go way.  This is not a phase.  This is not something that will lessen or diminish over time.  Quite the opposite, actually.  If you deny your true self, or fail to acknowledge this, or any part of you, it will actually strengthen. 

This is who you are. 

When you meet your one and only, it is one of the most significant and beautiful moments of your life.  Meeting them fills you with a joy unlike anything else.  I don't need to tell you how wonderful love is or how amazing your partner is.  You know them better than anyone else on the planet.  You pick up on subtle things, you know when they are happy, annoyed, or having a bad day.  They know you, too.  We know our partners better than we know ourselves.  How amazing is that?

Revealing this side of you may be a surprise, it may be the last thing they expected to hear, but they need to know.  I know it's hard to talk about this side of us as it is explaining something ta cannot be put into words.  I can't tell you why I love lingerie or stilettos any more than I can explain why falling asleep listening to the rain is the best thing in the world.  It just is.  There are moments in life (and clothes in my closet) that just make me happy for reasons that I can't describe.  But the reason we keep this side of ourselves private is because truly we have no idea how someone will react when we come out to them.  We have no idea what dynamic a relationship will take once this is out in the open.  There is no going back. 

It would be naive to think that a relationship (regardless if it is a marriage, friendship, or any other) will not be affected by this revelation.  Even if this side of you never comes up again in conversation, there is a change.  Private thoughts, private fears, private feelings.  From both of you. 

Although we know our partners better than anyone else on the planet, there is really no way to know how they will react.  And not knowing this is terrifying and will often push us into keeping this side of us a secret.  Better the devil you know than the devil you don't, I suppose.  But we need to be honest with our significant others. 

So, what will this talk be like?  I don't know.  Although I have had "The Talk" with three partners in my life (two girlfriends and my wife), the outcomes and the discussion couldn't have been more different from each other.  Each talk surprised me in different ways, but many of the questions were the same.  These questions seem to be common in every coming out conversation.  Although I can't predict how your talk will go, you should be prepared for the most frequently asked questions including questions about your sexuality, gender identity, and whether you want to transition.

I can also guarantee you will be asked these questions, but beyond that, this conversation is impossible to guess.  And yes, that is scary.  How does one approach a conversation like this?  Beyond having a response (not necessarily an answer) for the questions about sexuality and gender identity, you may want to have the mindset of that this conversation similar to disclosing bad news, or even news that will forever change your relationship.  And yes, that is terrifying.  I have had to disclose big news to my wife, such as getting laid off or a potential medical issue, and although coming out to her wasn't quite the same as these examples, I approached it with the same seriousness.

No matter how well you know someone, it's impossible to predict their reaction as this is not a conversation that one expects to have with their partner.  You may not have expected to have it either... perhaps you thought or even hoped this would pass.  But I commend anyone who has this conversation.  It means you have acknowledged that side of us isn't going away. 

So, how will this conversation go? 

The scenario we all hope for is one of complete and sincere enthusiasm.  We all hope that our partners will be thrilled about this side of us and before you know it they are doing your makeup or helping you pick out panties.  It sounds like a fantasy because for most of us it's not the response that we get.  You should not expect this kind of response as it will only crush your spirit if this is not the outcome. 

The first time I came out to a girl was not easy.  But to be fair it doesn't ever get easier.  Her response was basically her appreciating that I told her, but never wanted to discuss it.  Ever.  At all.  Follow up attempts to discuss this side of me were met with a change of subject and I eventually dropped it.  This was brutal, to be honest.  I had found the courage to come out and was completely shot down.  But it's not fair to expect someone to accept this side of us.  They are under no obligation to do so.  I was disappointed, to say the least.  I knew that accepting this side of me as a lot to ask, let alone being allowed to dress how I wanted, but after years of building up the courage to tell someone, it was heartbreaking to not even talk about it.  The relationship ended and as a bit of retaliation I shaved my legs for the first time.  This outcome is fairly common, and although it wasn't how I wanted the talk to go, I am still convinced I did the right thing.    Knowing who I am today, and knowing how she felt about this side of me, I realized I would have been miserable had the relationship lasted.  We all need to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship, especially when there are more than one sides of us. 

We fear rejection when we come out which often holds us back from doing so.  But what can make someone reconsider coming out is if they have a lot of things to explain or come clean about.  Lying to your partner is never, never a good idea.  This side of us almost demands we tell little white lies to others.  Telling a coworker that I had a boring weekend when I really spent Saturday getting a makeover and going shoe shopping is technically a lie, but it’s a lie I can live with.  Lying to our significant others about this side of us is a different story.  When you come out, you need to be honest.  Not only when you are asked about your sexual orientation or if you want to transition, but about everything.  And I mean EVERYTHING. 
Have you ever posted photos of yourself online?
Have you ever left the house dressed?
Who else knows?
Were you REALLY on a business trip last month and not getting a makeover in Las Vegas? 
Have you been faithful?
Any deception can make someone (rightfully so) angry.  It's not always about the panties, it is usually about the lying about this side of you.  Can you blame them?

The fourth scenario is one of intense trepidation.  They don't understand this side of you.  You have turned their world upside-down.  There may be tears. There is probably fear.  I don't need to tell you what they are afraid of.  There may not be any resolution to the conversation.  They are processing it.  They are overwhelmed.  They are shocked.  They are feeling a million things.  Be kind.  Be gentle.  Drop talking about it if they need you to.  Don't let your disappointment get the better of you if you were hoping they would take you shopping for shoes as soon as you came out.  This is a conversation that will be had over the course of a few days or even over a few years.  Talking about it is good.  That's what needs to happen.  You may been hoping for, I guess permission is the best way to describe it, but they are still reacting to this bombshell.  And it is a bombshell.  Let's not pretend it's not. 

Regardless of the direction your conversation takes, and it could very well be a combination of more than one of these scenarios, you need to be transparent, calm, and supportive.  Answer any questions honestly and openly and with love and patience.  The initial conversation is likely the first of many discussions you will have about this part of you as more questions are bound to come up after this revelation sinks in.  This is a new world for them.  Be kind.

Love, Hannah

Explaining the Unexplainable

By Hannah McKnight

There are two enormous reasons why I don't come out to more people in my life.

The first is that coming out is very, very exhausting.  The conversation is long, there are a lot of questions, and I find myself trying to explain the unexplainable. I don't mind the questions, however.  Questions are usually asked in an effort to understand someone else. But again, this is a conversation that is usually dominated by trying to explain something that really can't be put into words.  Why do I do this? Why am I who I am? 

Dresses, panties, stilettos are simply more interesting than slacks, boxers, and loafers, sure, but why do I want to wear them? I don't know. It's not a conscious decision. It's similar to trying to explain why I like Mexican cuisine more than I like Japanese food. The best I can come up with is that there is a side of me that wants to, that needs to be, beautiful. Speaking in broad generalities, the desire, the need to be beautiful, to look beautiful, is something more women understand and can relate to than cisgender men. Why on earth would I spend $80 on a makeover when I could buy a fishing pole instead? Why would I want to take a day trying on little black dresses at the mall when I could be watching football? Why am I getting frustrated when I simply can't get a false eyelash to apply properly? 

Sexuality almost always comes into the conversation. Who I am attracted to does not change based on whether I am wearing pink panties or boxer shorts.  I'm kidding.  I don't wear boxer shorts. This is an expected question, although I am sure most of us are tired of it. Displaying any sort of feminine characteristics is commonly associated with being gay so it's understandable (although exhausting) that we are asked if we like men.  hether we identify as a t-girl, crossdresser, gender non-confirming, or non-binary, we are often grouped into drag, which is usually done by gay men. Not that there's anything wrong that, but there's a world of difference between me shopping at the mall en femme and someone performing on a stage wearing a three foot tall wig and eight inch platform heels. 

The second is that the relationship between myself and the person I come out to is forever changed. This is one of the big revelations that happen only a few times in a relationship.  Besides my wife, siblings, and my mom, I have come out to very few others.  I am careful as to whom I come out to as this is still something I want to keep from most of the world. The people I want to prevent from knowing would either not try to understand or even sever the relationship forever. I have little regard for those who would choose to cut me out of their life because of my gender identity, but...well, family is family, I suppose. 

When you come out to someone, you are trusting them to react in a kind and understanding way. You are also trusting to keep this secret as well. This is a lot to ask as the person you come out to will likely be overwhelmed, confused, or scared by this revelation.  They may need to talk about it with someone else. They need to process it. They need to sort it out. But they can't. Who else would understand? We know that this is something that is hard for us to understand and to put into words.  It's even harder for someone else to explain who, or why, we are to another person.

Given these two reasons, it's understandable why we don't come out to more people.  No matter how well we know someone, there's really no way to predict how they will react, especially when it comes to our significant others.  When I come out to others, it has usually been for a reason. I came out to a roommate once because I was pretty sure there would be a moment where she glimpsed a bra strap under my shirt or lacy edging of my panties under my jeans. When I came out to my sisters I had hoped for a chance to, well, be their sister sometimes. But when we come out to our significant others, we can't do this based on what we hope the result will be. We have to come out because they simply need to know all sides of us. They deserve to know the real you, the complete you, so they can choose for themselves if you are who they want to be in a relationship with.

And if they don't? That doesn't make them a bad person. This is a lot to ask of someone.

It's hard to have a conversation about anything, especially this, when you have no idea how it will go. 
There are a few things you need to know before you have this talk, though. 

Who are you? How do identify? 
However you identify, it's important to be able to clearly and confidently explain however you see yourself.  I understand and can relate to how someone can evolve how they see themselves over time.  When I came out to my wife, I saw myself as a crossdresser.  It was all panties and lingerie.  Fast forward thirteen years, and, well, look at me.  Today I am transgender, but I suppose bi-gender might be a more fitting label, if you will.  As I evolved, I continued to talk with my wife about my (ugh) journey.  She was along for these steps, too, though.  She helped me chose my first wig and taught me how to apply blush, after all.

What is your sexual preference? 
I know, I know.  But you will likely be asked this. Sure, most of us will say there is no connection between what we wear to bed and who we want to go to bed with, but there are many of us who are open to interacting with men in a different way en femme than they would when they present as male. This interaction can be anything from flirting to... well, let's call it intimacy.  For some of us, sexuality can be flexible and it can change depending on which gender we present as. Coming out to your partner will likely raise concerns that others may not bring up. Our significant others may understandably be afraid that we may not be a confident about our sexuality as we think we are. If you are not straight, regardless of your gender identity, you need to be upfront with your partner. 

What's next?
This question takes a lot of soul-searching.  Be prepared for questions about what you want. Do you want to transition? Do you feel you were assigned the wrong gender at birth? Do you want hormones? I think the initial reaction to these inquiries is that no, this is really just about dressing up, or about clothes, but... is it? I used to think this was all about lingerie but it's clearly not.  Yes, I evolved in a way, like most of us will but did I want then what I have now? I was confident about who I was when I came out to my then-girlfriend, but coming out to someone else today would be a different story. It's common for someone to feel or want different things as time passes, that certainly was the case for me, but if you are truly confused or unsure about who you are or what you want, it would be a good idea to talk to a gender therapist or attend a PFLAG support group.

This conversation will rarely go the way you expect and you can never truly be prepared for it, but if you can clearly and confidently articulate these points you will be as ready as you can be.

Love, Hannah

An Unraveled World

By Hannah McKnight

Humans, by design, are social creatures.  We need other people for friendship, support, and companionship.  We spend a lot of time and energy looking for someone to share our lives with.  We seek out others to celebrate our victories, to confide our fears to, and for comfort in our darkest days.

We are all complicated and nuanced.  As individuals we need our together time, and we need our alone time.  And these reasons vary from person to person.  In my male life, I have a small number of friends and I prefer to stay home and read or have company over.  En femme, however, is a completely different story.  Yes, I am a t-girl, I am a crossdresser.  But I suppose the most accurate label (if you will) is that I am bi-gender.  My closet is divided between neckties and little black dresses.  Wing tips and sky-high stilettos.  There's very little overlap between my two genders, not only in my wardrobe but also in my life.

En femme I am social, chatty, have a lot of friends, and love nothing more than spending the day running errands, trying on dresses, and meeting friends for dinner.  Almost seven years ago I started a social/support group for girls like me simply so I could meet friends to hit the mall with.  While I do enjoy a quiet day at a museum listening to my heels click against the floor as I wander from sculpture to painting, there is nothing like looking at cute dresses with another t-girl.

It wasn't that long ago, but it seems like those days were forever ago.  It isn't an exaggeration to say that COVID-19 has changed everything.  Schools are closed, people are fighting each other for toilet paper at the grocery store, the baseball season has been postponed, many of us are working from home.  Routines are completely changed and we are all adjusting to a new (and hopefully temporary) world.  The dystopian and apocalyptic themes from many science-fiction books do not seem like much of an exaggeration anymore. 

I see a lot of discussion online about how people are adapting to limited resources, and basically never leaving the house.  Of course, girls like us also consider anything and everything through a very different set of eyes.  Eyes that love to be adorned with heavy eyeliner and a beautiful shade of shadow, of course.  For my male life, not much has really changed.  I already worked from home, so not being able to go into the office isn't much different than what my life is already like.  I prefer to stay home and read than go out, and if I need something, whether it is a new book or a cute dress, most of what I am looking for is found online. 

But Hannah's life?  God, I am feeling trapped.

I had been looking forward to going out this week for the whole month.  I had booked my makeover, decided on my outfit (and then changed my mind a dozen times), shopped for a new dress, and had a wonderful day with friends planned out.  But slowly my plans unraveled.  My makeover was canceled since the salon temporarily closed, some of my friends felt it wasn't safe to go out, and then the event itself that we were planning to attend was put on hold.  My day just evaporated.  I was crushed.  For those who hit the town regularly you know exactly what I am talking about.

I am hoping, for many reasons, that things go back to normal soon.  I am not going to pretend that being able to hit the mall (and everywhere else) en femme is not one of the reasons.  Sure, I can dress at home, but for me, Hannah needs to go out.  I like looking amazing.  I like interacting with the world as Hannah.  I like men holding the door for me because I am a lady, I like the barista calling out Hannah's name as they make her latte, I like being called ma'am by a salesclerk.  I like seeing my friends, the wind blowing my skirt (but not tooooo high), I like trying on new dresses at the mall. 

So, how do I cope?  I know it sounds dramatic, and yes, probably shallow, but this side of me needs to be....hm, acknowledged and attended to.  What's good for her is good for all of me.  If the last few weeks have taught us anything, is that things can, and have changed, dramatically from day to day.  It is pointless to make specific plans anymore.  Whether it is booking a flight or dinner reservations.  Domestic flights could be canceled today (if they haven't been already), and who knows when restaurants will reopen?  Instead of making plans, I am doing a few things to help this side of me get through these difficult and frightening times.

First of all, I underdress.  I may not be able to wear that cute outfit, but I can certainly wear a sexy matching bra and panty (and garter belt and stockings) under my boy clothes.  Panties and lingerie have and will always been how I connect with my femme side, especially when I am in male mode. 

Wearing that little black dress while binging Netflix just isn't the same.  If I am going to be stuck at home it's a perfect opportunity to be lazy (and cute) in a pair of leggings or yoga pants.  Wearing a femme t-shirt and leggings is not only super comfy, but also a wonderful way to be connected to this side of us.  Talking to your boss or having a conference call with your co-workers is a lot more fun if you're wearing a cute outfit.  Trust me.  But shut off your webcam.  :)

I also shop online.  Looking at cute dresses and pretty lingerie has me feeling femme in just a few clicks.  This side of us needs to be taken care, and buying a cute bra is a perfect way to give this side of us a little present.

I daydream.  A lot.  Having my plans canceled is depressing, but I am trying to remain hopeful that things return to normal soon.  I am thinking about all the things I want to do as soon as the malls, salons, and restaurants reopen.  Whether it is going out to dinner, trying on dresses, or just feeling the sun on my face after a makeover.  It doesn't take much for this side of me to be content.  Sometimes it's a cup of coffee and a book at a cafe is all I need, but as days like these pass, my en femme plans are getting bigger and bigger.  If this lasts much longer, I will have a trip around the world planned soon. 

Watch makeup tutorial videos.  Clean the house in a French maid uniform.  Mastered walking in three inch stilettos?  Order some five inch ones and practice in those.

Stay connected with other t-girls.  This is essential whether you are stuck at home or after life returns to normal.  Make a profile on www.crossdresserheaven.com, www.transgenderheaven.com, crossdressers.com, urnotalone.com or gendersociety.com.  Only another t-girl knows how we feel, in all aspects.  We never have to explain ourselves to another girl like us.  Start a website with wordpress.com and express yourself through your writings. 

Of course, not all of us have the freedom to take a conference call in a pencil skirt and kitten heels.  We may not be out to the others who live with us, whether they are roommates, our partners, or our children.  Many of us look forward to being home and having the house to ourselves so we can dress how we like.  With everyone working from home and schools being closed it poses a bit of a problem.  This is when I am thankful for underdressing and being able to shop online.  It's not the same as being able to dress head to toe, but wearing or buying pink panties can really help. 

One thing I will not recommend is thinking this is the perfect time too have "the talk" with your significant other.  Let's face it, many of us are stressed and worried right now.  Our lives, our routines, and everything else has been turned upside-down.  We can't do the things we used to do, whether it is meeting a friend for dinner or going to a yoga class.  Our routines were a comfort to us.  We could look forward to them.  Visiting the gym was a great way to relieve stress, having coffee with a friend was a nice escape.  These little things are gone for the time being.  It's easy to understand why people are tense and already on edge.  This is not a good time to tell your partner that you are who you are, if you haven't already.  Yes, you and your spouse may be around each other all the time and you have a lot of opportunities to just enjoy each other's company, but even under normal circumstances this is one of the most stressful things you can introduce into a relationship.  When you come out to your spouse, they may need to process it.  They may need to talk to a friend.  They may need to step out of the house and take some time to themselves.  These actions are not options at the moment.  We need to be considerate of how our partner and how they are feeling and what they may need after this revelation. 

These days are difficult.  No one is certain when things will go back to normal.  This is not the same thing as waiting until the weekend when you can dress and go to the mall.  This is not the same thing as waiting until the kids go back to school after spring break and you can try on your new dress.  We need to be prepared for the long term.  Taking care of our other self, our femme self, is always important.  We need to acknowledge her, we need to pay attention to her.  Not doing this can cause stress and anxiety.  We need the release and comfort that our other side brings us.  For many of us we can't let her out at the moment so we need to do what we can when it comes to caring for this part of us.  Underdress, shop online, create a blog, daydream, paint your nails, watch makeup tutorials... do what you need to do for her. 

Just don't ignore her.

Stay safe, and stay sane.

Love, Hannah

The Risk of Keeping Our Secret Lives a Secret

By Hannah McKnight

If you are anything like me (and I am guessing you are since you are on this Learning Center) then I imagine you remember the first time you tried on a bra, a pair of heels, the first time you tasted cherry red lipstick on your lips.  These are special moments that have forever made their mark on us.  We can recall the thrill of hearing heels clicking on the floor, the swish of a skirt, the power of a dress.  I feel these things still.

We remember the sadness and regret we felt when we put these beautiful clothes away.  It's likely they were not ours, but quickly and quietly borrowed from our sister.  These clothes made us feel beautiful.  We loved them in a way that we never loved clothes before.  It was an intense feeling that somehow, we knew we had to keep a secret from everyone else. 

Boys didn't wear dresses.  Boys didn't wear makeup.  Boys played with trucks and played sports and we weren't supposed to be beautiful.  There were rules, you see, but no one really knew why things were this way.  They just were.  We kept these moments of beauty to ourselves.  We became really good at putting high heels back in a closet exactly how we found them.  We could change out of a dress and back into boys’ clothes quicker than anything.  Thus, began a life of keeping this side of us private.  As we grew older these instincts stayed with us.  We learned how to shop for lingerie and skirts in a store without drawing attention to ourselves.  We hid our beautiful clothes in our closets.  We knew we weren't going to change who we were, but we didn't understand why we are who we are.

But this side of us does not need a reason why we want to wear what we want to wear.  This is who we are.  We can't explain it to ourselves, and we certainly cannot explain it to someone else.  Years of keeping this part of us a secret continues and few people, if any, know all of us.  Some of us have come out to people in our lives, whether it is our families or our partners.  Sometimes this can go well, other times....well, it's a disaster.  We don't understand this side of us, so it's not really a surprise someone else doesn't understand either.

But understanding this side of us is one thing, accepting it is another.

I am out to my wife and my immediate family.  Besides a very small number of others, this side of me is very much hidden.  Like many of us, I have all come to the conclusion that it's just easier to stay in the closet.  With my beautiful clothes. 

Coming out to others does not really get easier for me.  Every relationship is different so each time I have come out has been done in a different and delicate way.  Sometimes it has gone exactly how I thought it would, other times have gone better, or worse, than I had dreamed.  There have been times I regretted doing this.  People don't understand and it's hard to explain who we are.  I absolutely feel that being honest with this side of you is the most important gift you can give to yourself.  I also feel that you need to be honest with your partner, especially before your relationship moves to the next level or commitment.  I also understand, and can relate, when you don't want to.  It's a risk to come to out.  Coming out to our partners is the scariest thing in the world.  No matter how well you know them, you really don't know how they will react to this.

So, what is life like if you make the choice to not share this side of you to your partner?  From my experiences, and I am sure yours as well, I can tell you that it is a life of paranoia and guilt.... each and every day.  When I was younger, I met a girl who I thought I would be with for the rest of my life.  I was in love, the kind of deep, passionate forever love that only a twenty-year-old feels.  Love makes us feel we can conquer anything and everything, even the part of us that wants to wear lingerie and dresses.  I promised myself that I never would do 'this' ever again.  Look at me now.

I had my own apartment and feeling very grown up and I gave her a key to my place.  She and I liked the idea of her coming in and out whenever she wanted.  I gave her my key because I didn't have anything to keep from her.  Well, except, you know, THIS.  But I wasn't doing THIS anymore so there was nothing to keep a secret.

This worked for about two weeks.  It wasn't long before I went shopping for a new bra and panty set (with matching garter belt, naturally).  I have always loved lingerie, it has always been my way of connecting with this side of me, even in boy mode.  Only a crossdresser can feel relaxed and comfortable in stockings and heels after a long day at work, after all.  I tucked my beautiful lingerie in the back of my dresser drawer.  Just like always.  But this time was different. 

In the coming days, I felt paranoid every time I left my apartment.  What if she came over while I was at work?  Sure, it was unlikely she would go through my dresser, but.... she might.  What would she think?  If she thought they were mine, would she out me to our friends?  Would she confront me?  Would she think they belonged to another girl?  Would she break up with me? 

Every day until I threw away my new lingerie I was on edge.  I was paranoid.  I was afraid.  Terrified.  I lived in fear, but I also knew I was not being honest with myself.  This is who I am.  I can't change this side of me.  I wasn't being honest with her.  I did not want to be in a relationship with someone I couldn't be honest with, and it was unfair to her as well.  I had a glimpse of what my life would be life had the relationship progressed.  It felt like lying and, to be honest, terrifying.  I could not live in fear of someone finding my panties, no matter how well I thought I had hidden them.  Denying this side of me was not an option, I knew that, too.

Coming out is never easy.  It's also not always required.  You don't have to come out to everyone in your life.  But coming out to your girlfriend, fiancé, boyfriend, significant other, partner, spouse.... I believe it's the right thing to do.  I know it's hard, I know we are terrified of the response.  We could lose it all, but that just underlines the importance of coming out as early in the relationship as possible.  A first date is probably not the time to have this conversation, but once the relationship becomes, well, a relationship, then it's probably time to say "honey, we have to talk".

Love, Hannah

Honey, We Need to Talk

By Hannah McKnight

Are there any words in a relationship that puts someone on edge more than "honey, we need to talk"?

Just hearing those words causes us to fear the worst.  What does our partner need to tell us?  How bad is it?  How big of a conversation is this going to be?  What are they going to say?  For crossdressers and those who have more than one gender identity, these words can also cause a lot of fear, especially if we are not out to them.  Did they find those pairs of panties we have tucked into the back of our dresser?  Did they happen to see our browser history?

Being who we are is not easy.  We cannot deny or change who we are.  And we shouldn't.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to wear beautiful clothes, whether it is gorgeous lingerie or a stunning dress with matching stilettos.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel or look beautiful.  It is not easy to accept this part of ourselves, but once you do, you eventually realize that you can't change.  This is as much of a part of you as anything that makes you who you are.  I am right-handed, I love to read, and I wear panties every single day.  This is who I am.  This is who I have always been, and this is who I will always be.  I have accepted and embraced myself and I have never been happier.

From the day I started shopping for my own clothes I began what was a seemingly endless cycle of buying everything from lingerie to heels to dresses, wearing them, and then purging.  Fueled by paranoia and guilt, I would throw them away, only to go shopping a few weeks later.  It took much longer than it should have, and I spent more money than I like to think about, but eventually I realized that this is who I was.  It's who I have always been and who I will always be.  I knew that no matter what kind of life changes I was going to have, this would always be a part of me.

The most wonderful life change I will ever have was getting married.  For those of us in a relationship, we know how wonderful it is to love someone, and to be loved by them.  Love changes us, and it usually changes us for the better.  My wife inspired me to become a better person.  I became more patient, more considerate, and a better communicator.  I wanted to be more open and honest with her.  You have to be.  Relationships are partnerships and consists of two people working together.  It's hard to do that if you can't trust or rely on your spouse.  Once I knew I wanted to marry her, I knew I had to tell her about...all of this.

 So, I told her.

She had long suspected that there was... something I was keeping from her; however, she had no idea what it might be, and it certainly wasn't this.  The shock wore off, we had many conversations over the course of the next few months.  When I came out to her, my extent of dressing was mostly about lingerie and high heels.  What's sexier than a lacy bra with matching panties, seamed stockings, and black patent stilettos, after all?  She didn't quite understand my dressing, but that's okay.  I don't understand why I like to wear what I wear.  I no longer try to examine why I like what I like, whether it is a corset or a certain type of food.  There are things that make me who I am, and this is part of that.

Over the years that followed our relationship grew, we married, and my dressing continued to evolve.  I went from wearing panties to, well, still wearing panties but now I have an entire closet filled with everything from a beautiful gown to leather skirts to dresses perfect for Sunday brunch.   My wife was part of this journey.  It wasn't always easy for her, but I was always honest with her.

As hard as it was for her to go through this with me, it was also hard for me to be honest with her.  Not that I kept things from her, it wasn't easy to come out to her all those years ago.  We are used to keeping this side of us a secret.  We know that others will likely have a hard time understanding this part of us.  I mean, if we don't know why we like to wear dresses, why would someone else?  We are also afraid of how others will react to this revelation.  Will they think we are gay (not that there is anything wrong with that)?  Will they think we want to transition?  Will they never want to speak to us again?  Will they share this information with everyone they know?  It's not surprising that we want to keep this secret a secret, but we know that we need to be honest with ourselves and with our partners.

So... how do we tell them?  Besides being two hundred percent honest, there is no right way to tell your partner that you are... well, who you are, whether you like to wear something pretty under your male clothes or you have a second gender identity.  I can't tell you how to tell them, or what words to say, but I do know there are a few things you need to keep in mind:

 -Know yourself.  How do you identify?  Do you identify as a crossdresser and simply enjoy wearing clothes that are traditionally considered women's clothes?  Is this something more?  Do you think this side of you is more than just clothes?  I know it is for me.  I feel different, there is a side of me that although is always there, emerges when when I am in heels and have my hair and makeup on.  I feel that I have two very different and separate gender identities depending on how I am dressed.

 -Challenge yourself.  Be honest with yourself.  This is very much like knowing yourself, but it's about getting really real with who you are.  Are you in conflict with who you are?  This side of us is not easy to resolve and accept so it can cause some stress, but is this stress a result of being unsure of your gender identity?  You might think that this is all about heels and dresses, but is it really?  Once I accepted myself, I spoke to a therapist about this side of me because I wanted them to challenge me.   I never felt like transitioning was right for me, and my therapist helped in making sure I wasn't in denial.

 -Be prepared.  Your partner will likely be shocked at this and really, can you blame them?  This is a conversation that most people do not expect to have.  There will be a lot of emotions during the initial revelation, but also in the coming weeks.  They may be angry that you kept this from them.  it's a fair reaction.  This is not an aspect of someone that everyone can accept.  They will likely have a lot of questions.  Tell them the truth.  If you told them you had a business trip last year, but you actually went to Las Vegas for a makeover, this is something you should probably tell them.  Nothing good comes from lying and lying about your crossdressing will just harm your relationship and credibility even more.

 -Be compassionate.  Listen to them.  They may be afraid.  Sure, today it might be all about panties, but what about in five years?  As much as you tell them that you have no intention of transitioning, that fear will always be there.  When people enter a committed relationship, it is intended to be a long-term partnership.  Their partner changing their gender identity completely transforms the dynamic of the relationship and it's not a change that everyone can live with.

 -Think. Think about your partner.  The two of you know each other better than anyone else on the planet.  Although you have no idea how they will react, you need to think about the best way to tell them.  Over the course of a relationship, the two of you will experience wonderful moments but also difficult ones.  We have all had to break bad news to our significant others and hopefully we know a little about the right way to reveal something that is potentially devastating or heartbreaking.

Listen, I do not want to scare you to the point where you are even more fearful of coming out than you already are.  This is a terrifying conversation to have.  No matter how well you know someone, you really don't know how they will react.  I understand the hesitation.  They may leave us.  They may tell everyone.  They may ridicule us.  These are the fears.  These were mine.  I believe that being honest about this side of you is always the right choice.  Your partner needs to know everything about you, particularly something that they may not be comfortable with.  Be honest with who you are, because this IS who you are.  Accepting yourself is a gift.  Be honest with yourself.  Be honest with your partner.

There are many happy and fulfilling relationships between a crossdresser and their partners.  The common thread is that they were always honest with each other.  I know it's not easy, believe me I know.  But it's the right thing to do.

Love, Hannah