By Hannah McKnight
If you are like me, you have been who you are for your entire life. This side of you likely started at an early point in your life. It evolved over time. You became bolder, braver, more confident that that this side of you was, and will always be a part of you. It is not a phase, it is not something you will outgrow. If you're lucky, you have embraced this side of yourself and you wouldn't change this part of you even if you could.
If you are like me, you have kept this side of you to yourself. I have never been ashamed about this side of who I am, but I have always realized that this is not something I understood, and I knew that it was unlikely that anyone else would understand either. I was afraid of someone finding out, so I kept this private. I was afraid of being made fun of, I was afraid of not being accepted. I was afraid of the potential reaction. I was afraid of how this revelation would alter a relationship, regardless of whether it was a relationship with a friend, family member, or a significant other.
I was afraid of the aftermath.
But I knew this part of me was as much of a part of me as anything else that made me who I am. I knew that if I was going to be in a relationship I would have to tell my partner. Knowing that this was the right thing to do did not make it any easier to have the talk, but I had to do it. I have had the talk with three significant others and was apprehensive about it each time. Each time it went in a different direction and there was no question that it changed the dynamic between the two of us.
Coming out to your significant other is not easy. Regardless of how well you know someone, it's still impossible to predict their response. We fear the worst when it comes to coming out as we have no idea what this revelation will mean in terms of not only our dressing, but also in regards to how this will impact our relationship with our significant other. But what happens next after this revelation comes to light? Unfortunately it does not always go the way we would like it to. I hate to dwell on the negative, but it's important to be realistic and prepared. It can be, well, soul crushing to come out to the person we love more than anyone in the world and be rejected for who we are.
I do want to state that every relationship is different. Every dynamic between two people is unique. Coming out can affect two people in very unpredictable ways and this is not meant to be a definitive or final word on this matter.
Will this end your relationship? Possibly. This is not something that is easy for someone else to understand or to accept. The issue is not always the revelation, however. Perhaps your partner feels that this is something you should have told them before you got married instead of ten years into a marriage. Perhaps this news uncovers a lie, or a series of lies about this side of you. Maybe it wasn't a business trip you went on but instead a weekend in a different city where you treated yourself to a makeover and shopping.
The first girl I came out to simply... shut it down. She thanked me for telling her but she asked me to, well, never do it again. I promised I wouldn't, mostly out of relief that she didn't break up with me. I also believed that I could stop. Ha. The day after we broke up I bought some new lingerie and shaved my legs. It is not an uncommon outcome for our significant others to ask us to promise them that we will never dress again. They want assurance that this side of us in the past. They never, ever, want to talk about this again. Ever. They want to move on.
This does not necessarily make them a bad person. Please know this. But if this part of you is an essential part of you, then you need to know how your partner views this aspect of you before you enter into a committed relationship... for both of your sake.
Although this side of us is hard enough for us to understand, it's even harder for someone else to. However, our partners may understand that this is a part of us that we can't, or don't want to, change. It is not easy for our partners to see our pink panties in the laundry basket, a lacy bra strap peeking out under our shirt, a new dress hanging in our closet, or traces of mascara on our eyelashes. Some of us have partners who acknowledge and have accepted that this is who we are... but they would prefer not to see any off this side of us. A familiar dynamic is a somewhat informal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' agreement. They know about this side of us, but they don't want to see any of our clothes or know any details in regards to our dressing.
It is somewhat a compromise and couples will develop, whether it is intentional or not, a language of code words such as "I'm going out on Saturday night" or "Jennifer has plans that day" when both of you know that you are Jennifer. Although this dynamic is not ideal for either person, one wishes they had more freedom and support, and the other preferring this side of their partner not existing, it is still somewhat a sign of support from their partner. We know this side of us is exactly that - a side of us. We know its not going away. Our partners acknowledging, and being able to accommodate this aspect of us, however limiting, is a form of acceptance.
Our hesitation to come out to our partners is sometimes fueled by us not knowing how they will react. This reluctance can also be bolstered by fearing either of these outcomes. We fall in love with our partners and we want to be with them. Any revelation or change that could potentially end, or significantly change our relationship with them is frightening. We have lived our entire lives with this side of us. We have accepted and hopefully even embraced who we are. We have made this part of us work within our daily, personal lives. We are used to the limitations that exist when it comes to us wanting to be who we are, or dress how we want. We want change, but we also fear it. We worry that coming out is not worth these risks. I understand this. Believe me, I wrestle with coming out to other people in my life whenever I see them. I want to, but I am afraid of how my relationship with them will change. Sometimes it can go badly, but sometimes it can be the best decision you will ever make.
Love, Hannah
Showing posts with label cross dresser dresses. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cross dresser dresses. Show all posts
Saturday, April 11, 2020
Sunday, April 5, 2020
An Unraveled World
By Hannah McKnight
Humans, by design, are social creatures. We need other people for friendship, support, and companionship. We spend a lot of time and energy looking for someone to share our lives with. We seek out others to celebrate our victories, to confide our fears to, and for comfort in our darkest days.
We are all complicated and nuanced. As individuals we need our together time, and we need our alone time. And these reasons vary from person to person. In my male life, I have a small number of friends and I prefer to stay home and read or have company over. En femme, however, is a completely different story. Yes, I am a t-girl, I am a crossdresser. But I suppose the most accurate label (if you will) is that I am bi-gender. My closet is divided between neckties and little black dresses. Wing tips and sky-high stilettos. There's very little overlap between my two genders, not only in my wardrobe but also in my life.
En femme I am social, chatty, have a lot of friends, and love nothing more than spending the day running errands, trying on dresses, and meeting friends for dinner. Almost seven years ago I started a social/support group for girls like me simply so I could meet friends to hit the mall with. While I do enjoy a quiet day at a museum listening to my heels click against the floor as I wander from sculpture to painting, there is nothing like looking at cute dresses with another t-girl.
It wasn't that long ago, but it seems like those days were forever ago. It isn't an exaggeration to say that COVID-19 has changed everything. Schools are closed, people are fighting each other for toilet paper at the grocery store, the baseball season has been postponed, many of us are working from home. Routines are completely changed and we are all adjusting to a new (and hopefully temporary) world. The dystopian and apocalyptic themes from many science-fiction books do not seem like much of an exaggeration anymore.
I see a lot of discussion online about how people are adapting to limited resources, and basically never leaving the house. Of course, girls like us also consider anything and everything through a very different set of eyes. Eyes that love to be adorned with heavy eyeliner and a beautiful shade of shadow, of course. For my male life, not much has really changed. I already worked from home, so not being able to go into the office isn't much different than what my life is already like. I prefer to stay home and read than go out, and if I need something, whether it is a new book or a cute dress, most of what I am looking for is found online.
But Hannah's life? God, I am feeling trapped.
I had been looking forward to going out this week for the whole month. I had booked my makeover, decided on my outfit (and then changed my mind a dozen times), shopped for a new dress, and had a wonderful day with friends planned out. But slowly my plans unraveled. My makeover was canceled since the salon temporarily closed, some of my friends felt it wasn't safe to go out, and then the event itself that we were planning to attend was put on hold. My day just evaporated. I was crushed. For those who hit the town regularly you know exactly what I am talking about.
I am hoping, for many reasons, that things go back to normal soon. I am not going to pretend that being able to hit the mall (and everywhere else) en femme is not one of the reasons. Sure, I can dress at home, but for me, Hannah needs to go out. I like looking amazing. I like interacting with the world as Hannah. I like men holding the door for me because I am a lady, I like the barista calling out Hannah's name as they make her latte, I like being called ma'am by a salesclerk. I like seeing my friends, the wind blowing my skirt (but not tooooo high), I like trying on new dresses at the mall.
So, how do I cope? I know it sounds dramatic, and yes, probably shallow, but this side of me needs to be....hm, acknowledged and attended to. What's good for her is good for all of me. If the last few weeks have taught us anything, is that things can, and have changed, dramatically from day to day. It is pointless to make specific plans anymore. Whether it is booking a flight or dinner reservations. Domestic flights could be canceled today (if they haven't been already), and who knows when restaurants will reopen? Instead of making plans, I am doing a few things to help this side of me get through these difficult and frightening times.
First of all, I underdress. I may not be able to wear that cute outfit, but I can certainly wear a sexy matching bra and panty (and garter belt and stockings) under my boy clothes. Panties and lingerie have and will always been how I connect with my femme side, especially when I am in male mode.
Wearing that little black dress while binging Netflix just isn't the same. If I am going to be stuck at home it's a perfect opportunity to be lazy (and cute) in a pair of leggings or yoga pants. Wearing a femme t-shirt and leggings is not only super comfy, but also a wonderful way to be connected to this side of us. Talking to your boss or having a conference call with your co-workers is a lot more fun if you're wearing a cute outfit. Trust me. But shut off your webcam. :)
I also shop online. Looking at cute dresses and pretty lingerie has me feeling femme in just a few clicks. This side of us needs to be taken care, and buying a cute bra is a perfect way to give this side of us a little present.
I daydream. A lot. Having my plans canceled is depressing, but I am trying to remain hopeful that things return to normal soon. I am thinking about all the things I want to do as soon as the malls, salons, and restaurants reopen. Whether it is going out to dinner, trying on dresses, or just feeling the sun on my face after a makeover. It doesn't take much for this side of me to be content. Sometimes it's a cup of coffee and a book at a cafe is all I need, but as days like these pass, my en femme plans are getting bigger and bigger. If this lasts much longer, I will have a trip around the world planned soon.
Watch makeup tutorial videos. Clean the house in a French maid uniform. Mastered walking in three inch stilettos? Order some five inch ones and practice in those.
Stay connected with other t-girls. This is essential whether you are stuck at home or after life returns to normal. Make a profile on www.crossdresserheaven.com, www.transgenderheaven.com, crossdressers.com, urnotalone.com or gendersociety.com. Only another t-girl knows how we feel, in all aspects. We never have to explain ourselves to another girl like us. Start a website with wordpress.com and express yourself through your writings.
Of course, not all of us have the freedom to take a conference call in a pencil skirt and kitten heels. We may not be out to the others who live with us, whether they are roommates, our partners, or our children. Many of us look forward to being home and having the house to ourselves so we can dress how we like. With everyone working from home and schools being closed it poses a bit of a problem. This is when I am thankful for underdressing and being able to shop online. It's not the same as being able to dress head to toe, but wearing or buying pink panties can really help.
One thing I will not recommend is thinking this is the perfect time too have "the talk" with your significant other. Let's face it, many of us are stressed and worried right now. Our lives, our routines, and everything else has been turned upside-down. We can't do the things we used to do, whether it is meeting a friend for dinner or going to a yoga class. Our routines were a comfort to us. We could look forward to them. Visiting the gym was a great way to relieve stress, having coffee with a friend was a nice escape. These little things are gone for the time being. It's easy to understand why people are tense and already on edge. This is not a good time to tell your partner that you are who you are, if you haven't already. Yes, you and your spouse may be around each other all the time and you have a lot of opportunities to just enjoy each other's company, but even under normal circumstances this is one of the most stressful things you can introduce into a relationship. When you come out to your spouse, they may need to process it. They may need to talk to a friend. They may need to step out of the house and take some time to themselves. These actions are not options at the moment. We need to be considerate of how our partner and how they are feeling and what they may need after this revelation.
These days are difficult. No one is certain when things will go back to normal. This is not the same thing as waiting until the weekend when you can dress and go to the mall. This is not the same thing as waiting until the kids go back to school after spring break and you can try on your new dress. We need to be prepared for the long term. Taking care of our other self, our femme self, is always important. We need to acknowledge her, we need to pay attention to her. Not doing this can cause stress and anxiety. We need the release and comfort that our other side brings us. For many of us we can't let her out at the moment so we need to do what we can when it comes to caring for this part of us. Underdress, shop online, create a blog, daydream, paint your nails, watch makeup tutorials... do what you need to do for her.
Just don't ignore her.
Stay safe, and stay sane.
Love, Hannah
Humans, by design, are social creatures. We need other people for friendship, support, and companionship. We spend a lot of time and energy looking for someone to share our lives with. We seek out others to celebrate our victories, to confide our fears to, and for comfort in our darkest days.
We are all complicated and nuanced. As individuals we need our together time, and we need our alone time. And these reasons vary from person to person. In my male life, I have a small number of friends and I prefer to stay home and read or have company over. En femme, however, is a completely different story. Yes, I am a t-girl, I am a crossdresser. But I suppose the most accurate label (if you will) is that I am bi-gender. My closet is divided between neckties and little black dresses. Wing tips and sky-high stilettos. There's very little overlap between my two genders, not only in my wardrobe but also in my life.
En femme I am social, chatty, have a lot of friends, and love nothing more than spending the day running errands, trying on dresses, and meeting friends for dinner. Almost seven years ago I started a social/support group for girls like me simply so I could meet friends to hit the mall with. While I do enjoy a quiet day at a museum listening to my heels click against the floor as I wander from sculpture to painting, there is nothing like looking at cute dresses with another t-girl.
It wasn't that long ago, but it seems like those days were forever ago. It isn't an exaggeration to say that COVID-19 has changed everything. Schools are closed, people are fighting each other for toilet paper at the grocery store, the baseball season has been postponed, many of us are working from home. Routines are completely changed and we are all adjusting to a new (and hopefully temporary) world. The dystopian and apocalyptic themes from many science-fiction books do not seem like much of an exaggeration anymore.
I see a lot of discussion online about how people are adapting to limited resources, and basically never leaving the house. Of course, girls like us also consider anything and everything through a very different set of eyes. Eyes that love to be adorned with heavy eyeliner and a beautiful shade of shadow, of course. For my male life, not much has really changed. I already worked from home, so not being able to go into the office isn't much different than what my life is already like. I prefer to stay home and read than go out, and if I need something, whether it is a new book or a cute dress, most of what I am looking for is found online.
But Hannah's life? God, I am feeling trapped.
I had been looking forward to going out this week for the whole month. I had booked my makeover, decided on my outfit (and then changed my mind a dozen times), shopped for a new dress, and had a wonderful day with friends planned out. But slowly my plans unraveled. My makeover was canceled since the salon temporarily closed, some of my friends felt it wasn't safe to go out, and then the event itself that we were planning to attend was put on hold. My day just evaporated. I was crushed. For those who hit the town regularly you know exactly what I am talking about.
I am hoping, for many reasons, that things go back to normal soon. I am not going to pretend that being able to hit the mall (and everywhere else) en femme is not one of the reasons. Sure, I can dress at home, but for me, Hannah needs to go out. I like looking amazing. I like interacting with the world as Hannah. I like men holding the door for me because I am a lady, I like the barista calling out Hannah's name as they make her latte, I like being called ma'am by a salesclerk. I like seeing my friends, the wind blowing my skirt (but not tooooo high), I like trying on new dresses at the mall.
So, how do I cope? I know it sounds dramatic, and yes, probably shallow, but this side of me needs to be....hm, acknowledged and attended to. What's good for her is good for all of me. If the last few weeks have taught us anything, is that things can, and have changed, dramatically from day to day. It is pointless to make specific plans anymore. Whether it is booking a flight or dinner reservations. Domestic flights could be canceled today (if they haven't been already), and who knows when restaurants will reopen? Instead of making plans, I am doing a few things to help this side of me get through these difficult and frightening times.
First of all, I underdress. I may not be able to wear that cute outfit, but I can certainly wear a sexy matching bra and panty (and garter belt and stockings) under my boy clothes. Panties and lingerie have and will always been how I connect with my femme side, especially when I am in male mode.
Wearing that little black dress while binging Netflix just isn't the same. If I am going to be stuck at home it's a perfect opportunity to be lazy (and cute) in a pair of leggings or yoga pants. Wearing a femme t-shirt and leggings is not only super comfy, but also a wonderful way to be connected to this side of us. Talking to your boss or having a conference call with your co-workers is a lot more fun if you're wearing a cute outfit. Trust me. But shut off your webcam. :)
I also shop online. Looking at cute dresses and pretty lingerie has me feeling femme in just a few clicks. This side of us needs to be taken care, and buying a cute bra is a perfect way to give this side of us a little present.
I daydream. A lot. Having my plans canceled is depressing, but I am trying to remain hopeful that things return to normal soon. I am thinking about all the things I want to do as soon as the malls, salons, and restaurants reopen. Whether it is going out to dinner, trying on dresses, or just feeling the sun on my face after a makeover. It doesn't take much for this side of me to be content. Sometimes it's a cup of coffee and a book at a cafe is all I need, but as days like these pass, my en femme plans are getting bigger and bigger. If this lasts much longer, I will have a trip around the world planned soon.
Watch makeup tutorial videos. Clean the house in a French maid uniform. Mastered walking in three inch stilettos? Order some five inch ones and practice in those.
Stay connected with other t-girls. This is essential whether you are stuck at home or after life returns to normal. Make a profile on www.crossdresserheaven.com, www.transgenderheaven.com, crossdressers.com, urnotalone.com or gendersociety.com. Only another t-girl knows how we feel, in all aspects. We never have to explain ourselves to another girl like us. Start a website with wordpress.com and express yourself through your writings.
Of course, not all of us have the freedom to take a conference call in a pencil skirt and kitten heels. We may not be out to the others who live with us, whether they are roommates, our partners, or our children. Many of us look forward to being home and having the house to ourselves so we can dress how we like. With everyone working from home and schools being closed it poses a bit of a problem. This is when I am thankful for underdressing and being able to shop online. It's not the same as being able to dress head to toe, but wearing or buying pink panties can really help.
One thing I will not recommend is thinking this is the perfect time too have "the talk" with your significant other. Let's face it, many of us are stressed and worried right now. Our lives, our routines, and everything else has been turned upside-down. We can't do the things we used to do, whether it is meeting a friend for dinner or going to a yoga class. Our routines were a comfort to us. We could look forward to them. Visiting the gym was a great way to relieve stress, having coffee with a friend was a nice escape. These little things are gone for the time being. It's easy to understand why people are tense and already on edge. This is not a good time to tell your partner that you are who you are, if you haven't already. Yes, you and your spouse may be around each other all the time and you have a lot of opportunities to just enjoy each other's company, but even under normal circumstances this is one of the most stressful things you can introduce into a relationship. When you come out to your spouse, they may need to process it. They may need to talk to a friend. They may need to step out of the house and take some time to themselves. These actions are not options at the moment. We need to be considerate of how our partner and how they are feeling and what they may need after this revelation.
These days are difficult. No one is certain when things will go back to normal. This is not the same thing as waiting until the weekend when you can dress and go to the mall. This is not the same thing as waiting until the kids go back to school after spring break and you can try on your new dress. We need to be prepared for the long term. Taking care of our other self, our femme self, is always important. We need to acknowledge her, we need to pay attention to her. Not doing this can cause stress and anxiety. We need the release and comfort that our other side brings us. For many of us we can't let her out at the moment so we need to do what we can when it comes to caring for this part of us. Underdress, shop online, create a blog, daydream, paint your nails, watch makeup tutorials... do what you need to do for her.
Just don't ignore her.
Stay safe, and stay sane.
Love, Hannah
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