Online, Ourselves

By Hannah McKnight

Girls like us tend to be resourceful. Although a bad selfie, after an hour of carefully applying our makeup, can send us into a pit of despair and depression (trust me, I've been there, and I am there more often than I would want to admit), we are generally determined to try again. I know girls like me who carefully modify earrings into a clip-on style because she can't get her ears pierced. I know girls who have developed an intricate, and multi-step process in blending different types and different shades of foundation to counter the slight blue-ish tint that a beard line can create. And which of us hasn't spent hours (or years) carefully balancing on five inch stilettos so we can confidently strut through a mall (or living room)?

I am amazed when I look back in my life at how often I dressed or shopped for panties without ever being caught. We have trained ourselves to be aware of our surroundings lest we are seen by someone we know while we shop for a cute bra to match our panties. Growing up I marveled at how quickly I would change as soon as my mom left for the day, and how fast I could change back right before she pulled into the garage. When this side of us is a secret, we do what we can, we do what we must, to acknowledge and, in a way, to care for this side of us.

As mandatory shelter-in-place orders are announced throughout the country, many of us have had our lives turned inside-out in a lot of ways. Basic necessities are hard to find, schools are closed, and events are canceled. We are careful with our hygiene, we watch the news as COVID-19 spreads, and we worry about... well, everything.

I am not minimizing the danger and seriousness of a worldwide pandemic. We all know what it is happening, and what the threat is. I know there are more serious aspects to all of this besides our personal gender identity. Smarter people than I have written about what is occurring out there. In times like this, we need to be aware of the physical impacts a virus can cause, but also the psychological and emotional toll this can create. This side of us is huge. For some of us, it is literally half of who we are. She is just as important as anything else in our lives. Not being able to acknowledge her can cause anxiety and stress. And since things are stressful enough, it is important that we are taking care of ourselves in all matters, and our gender expression and identity is crucial.

Girls like us are used to having a second life, so to speak. Hannah has different friends, clothes, (obviously) and interests than my male side. The internet and social media is a wonderful way for our femme selves to slowly introduce her to the world. We can make friends, learn makeup techniques, start a blog, and best of all, shop. Our online lives can require as much attention and work as our "real" lives. Our online lives are more accessible than ever before. It used to be we would need to be home to check our email, but now Hannah can reply to a tweet while in line at a coffee shop. Like most tools, the internet can be a wonderful and useful resource. In times like these, it's not as easy for me to stay connected to Hannah's life. I am used to going out en femme, I am used to seeing her friends... but until things start going back to normal, the internet is how she stays in touch with the world outside of the house.

As our real life adapts, and as our internet usage increases, it's an appropriate time to think about protecting yourself online. I know, I know... I sound like your mom. But this is a little different... especially if you are not out to everyone in your lives.

The internet is forever. If you post a photo it's there until the end of time, even if you take it down. Someone can easily and quickly download it after you post it and there's nothing you can do about that. If you post something, do so with the mindset that anyone can see it.

Anyone.

Including your mom, your homophobic supervisor, and neighbors.

A photo of you en femme can be used against you. It's not fair and your gender identity is no one else's business (except your partner's). I have had jobs where I know my life would have been a living hell if my boss or coworker saw a picture of Hannah and, well, figured it out. In some states you can be fired for being transgender and although you might identify as a crossdresser, let's face it, most companies don't know, or care, about the difference between those two terms. You might think it's unlikely someone would find your blog, your Flickr account, your Fetlife profile or your femme Facebook page, but it can happen. Assume it will, or at least be prepared for it if it happens.

I have my website, a Flickr account, and of course my partnership with En Femme. For every one photo of me in male mode, there are a hundred of Hannah. I am very much out there when it comes to being online, and although I tend to linger around the more queer parts of the internet, it's not unrealistic to suppose that one could find me. I am at peace with this. That doesn't mean I want everyone to know. Oh no, absolutely not. But I have prepared myself for this. I am secure enough of my gender identity that if I was discovered, I can have that conversation even if I don't want to.

Having a social media life is a wonderful way to connect with others. If you are feeling insecure about your makeup skills, a compliment from a stranger can totally make your day and boost your confidence. Making friends with others like us can help us feel less lonely. It's easy to see how a girl like us can be drawn to this. Not to be pessimistic, but this can be risky. I've written about the Pink Fog before and how the desire to have a connectivity to our femme selves can lead to hasty decisions and choices we should think twice about. Sometimes this can lead to us spending a little more on a stilettos than we probably should, other times it can cause us to post a photo or create a Facebook page for our femme selves when we should probably think about it before doing so.

I was always a little amazed that, as far as I know, I was never "caught". I've never been seen, again, as far as I know, by a friend or family member looking at bras in the lingerie section of a store. But the online world is another way not only for us to be out there, but another way for us to be outed. I tell myself it's unlikely that someone will stumble upon my blog or Flickr accounts unless they are specifically looking for trans-related things. If a friend who doesn't know about Hannah were to find her photos because they were looking for information about how to cover beard shadow or where to buy size 12 red patent heels, I am not worried about being outed by them. If anything, I will have someone new I can introduce Hannah to. But the risk is always there.

Is it possible that I could accidentally post a photo of Hannah to the Twitter account that belongs to my male self instead of Hannah's? Is it possible I could accidentally text a photo of her to someone instead of the picture I intended? Is it possible that Facebook, through their (slightly invasive) algorithms end up suggesting the page you created for your femme self to a coworker?Of course it is. It's happened to many girls I know. For those of us who aren't out to our partners, you run the risk of them seeing your Google history or a private message notification. This is the 21st century's version of your wife finding that box of dresses you have hidden in the garage.

Of course, I do not advocate hiding this side of you to your partner. I am not here to encourage you to hide this, or anything else from your significant other. In my opinion, it is a zillion times better for you to have "the talk" then have your partner find your online activity, a revealing photo, or panties stash.

When I was growing up, everything I had dreamed of is now possible. I can buy dresses online, I can chat with others like us. The virtual world is filled with resources and ways to express myself and websites where I can add to my shoe collection. It's wonderful. There is always a chance of us being caught for those who want or need to keep this side of ourselves a secret and going online opens up as many risks as it does opportunities.

Love, Hannah

No Looking Back

By Hannah McKnight

I hate hearing about how we are all on a journey.  It gives the impression that we are forever wandering and looking to find something, or to arrive somewhere.  That discovering ourselves is something that is never finished and we are looking for a destination where we will never arrive.  When I hear about other t-girls and their journey, I tell myself my journey is over.  I have arrived, and I have arrived fabulously.  I am not looking for who I am, I am not trying to find myself.  I am finished.  I am complete.  If I was on a journey it started when I was four when I tried on my mother's high heels.  It ended the day I completed my look with my first real wig and dressed en femme from head to pink nail polished toes for the first time.

I think what bothers me the most about the idea of being on a journey is that it's probably the most accurate description of who we are and what we are doing.  Like many journeys, this path to discovering our identity is fraught with setbacks, false starts, beautiful experiences, and frightening moments.  Over the years I have experienced many moments of pure joy such as owning my first matching bra and panty, the first time I woke up in a nightie, and seeing myself after a makeover.  There's been so many thrilling moments including mastering walking in stilettos or applying liquid eyeliner flawlessly for the first time.  There has been terrifying moments such as those nights where I would lie in bed and thinking what would happen if I someone saw the pink lace of my panties peeking out from under my jeans or the time I literally ran into my mom when I was out en femme.

Our gender identities (and let's face it, our journeys) are never straightforward or a straight line.  There are obstacles, unintentionally getting lost, backtracking, and times where we take a break.  If we are on a journey with our gender identity, that adventure starts at the very same time we realize that... well, we are not MEN in the common thinking.  There's just something about high heels, lipstick, lingerie, and dresses that just... speaks to us.  We're not sure what that little black dress is saying, but God, we are paying attention to it.  And so begins this adventure.

I know a lot of t-girls and although we are all at different stages of our lives, whether we are ten years into retirement or still in college, we all have very similar stories.  We were young, we were curious, the magnetic-like pull of a pencil skirt or a bra was irresistible.  We try on that dress, play with mascara, and... we stop.  We suppress these desires, we deny our feelings, and we give in blissfully and willingly soon enough.  Over time we buy our first pair of panties, our first dress, and regardless of how small and humble it is, our wardrobe is starting.

And then it stops.  We purge.  We toss out our beautiful lingerie, that pair of strappy black patent stilettos that we wore and practiced strutting in.  All of it, gone.  Our journey stops.  Until it starts again.  We are at the mall and we see a dress we can't resist.  We buy a new nightgown online.  Joy intensifies.  Our wardrobe is starting once more.

Perhaps this gets purged again.  Perhaps not.  We might toss it all and start over a dozen times throughout our lives.  Each time we begin again we are reminded that this is who we are.  We can't deny it.  But it's not a new beginning, not really.  It's resuming the journey that we already started.  We are just inching further along.

As our wardrobe grows, we are learning so much about ourselves.  We are learning which foundation is right for our skin tone, what our dress size is, and how to accessorize.  But we are also learning that we are who we are.  We are learning to accept ourselves.  And this revelation is akin to going miles down that path in our journey.  After acceptance comes embracing who we are.  At this point we are no longer walking down that path, we have boarded a bullet train.

Our journey was filled with starts and stops.  Buying and purging.  Denial and acceptance.  Perhaps we were looking over our shoulder and glancing back and not willing to accept who we are.  The journey may have stopped a few times, it may have slowed to a crawl.  But we never went back.  We couldn't, no matter how much we wanted to.

Once we have accepted and embraced who we are, then the road becomes... well, not easier, but different.  Perhaps the road was winding but the road is little more straightish.  The road probably has more peaks and valleys just as our lives have more highs and lows.  We are strutting forward with the wind of denial and self-torment at our backs.  We have made the biggest change of our lives by deciding to no longer deny who we are, what we want to wear.  Purging is a thing of the past.

We make room in our wardrobes for our dresses, we might tell others in our lives who we are.  Our lives begin to change.  We may still be in the closet to most of the world, but the important thing is we are no longer trying to deny this, we are no longer trying to suppress this side of us.  We are who we are and hopefully we love this side of us.  I think we do.  I know I do.  Acceptance can also lead to other changes besides just a growing and unstoppable collection of high heels.  It can lead to other physical changes.  I am not talking about hormones or surgery, but there are other things we do.  We are often bolstered by accepting ourselves and this can lead to expanding our wardrobe or going out en femme or coming out to others in our lives.  But we might start thinking about changes to our male appearance for the... ah, benefit of our femme selves.

Years of cardio, biking, and the Stairmaster has given me a fabulous pair of legs in my opinion.  Besides all those steps, my legs look amazing thanks to nice, smooth skin.  I loved my legs but I was always afraid to shave them. I was worried about what others would think.  Would they figure it out?  But as I accepted myself, I started to care less about what others thought.  Besides, who really sees my legs?  I can wear pants instead of shorts if I needed to.  Once I shave my legs, there was no going back.  Nothing feels better or looks better than a shaven, smooth leg.  Shaving my legs represented me accepting and embracing who I am, and what I want to look like.  Yes, people likely noticed, but I didn't care.  I also realized that most people probably wouldn't care or even bother speculating why my legs were shaven.

Soon my arms were smooth.  I could finally wear sleeveless tops and dresses.  But the defining moment was my eyebrows.  Some of us wax them, I have mine threaded.  En femme they look fabulous.  In male mode, well, they also look fabulous, but I don't think they are overly femme.  Yes, they are thinner and have a bit of a shaped arch, but I think they suit my face.

These are some of the physical changes I made when I fully accepted and embraced who I am.  There's no going back, physically, or emotionally.

Love, Hannah

Taking the Next Step - Goals and Challenges

By Hannah McKnight

I know its a cliche but I love a fresh start. I love being able to begin again, I love starting over. I love a challenge, I love setting goals.

I love taking the next step. In stilettos, naturally.

It doesn't seem like that long ago when I would go to the mall and avoid glancing over at the lingerie sections of a department store lest someone figure out my secret. I am not sure when I found the courage to do so, or where that bravery came from, but one day I bought a pair of panties and never looked back. I never thought I would do anything more fearless than that, but fast forward a decade (or two) and, well, here I am.

I look at my photos and I look at my wardrobe and it all looks so easy. These days I never think twice about walking across a parking lot to a salon for a makeover. Strutting through the mall in four inch heels? Easy peasy. Bra fitting? No problem.

But what's next? Ten years ago if I looked at what my life is like today I would have thought I wouldn't want anything more. As I become more confident and comfortable living a double life (if you will) and having two gender identities, I've wanted to do more "everyday" things. At one time going out en femme meant visiting a LGBTQ+ bar or a drag show. Then progressing to a coffee shop owned by a trans woman. Soon I was attending support groups for transgender women. Going out en femme meant going to places where a girl like me wasn't unusual. But after limiting myself to these types of places for a while I began to grow restless. I wanted something new. My confidence grew, I was comfortable being out in the real world, and I wanted to experience more than what I had already done.

I started to list all the places I would go if I were brave. Shopping at the mall, getting a makeover, that cute store in Minneapolis that sold amazing dresses, having coffee, going out to dinner. And then one day in June... I just did it. The first time I went out en femme during the day was an experience I will never forget. Too excited to sleep, I woke up early and got dressed. I wore a cute pastel tank top, a black cardigan, a skirt with a floral pattern, black stockings, and black stilettos. As nervous as I was, my eyeliner looked amazing despite my trembling hand.

Before I had a chance to talk myself out of it, I was in my car and on my way to a coffee shop. I drove about twenty miles away from where I lived to hopefully avoid anyone I knew. I parked my car and walked about two blocks to get my coffee. I will never forget the sensation of my heels on the sidewalk, the wind through my long, black hair, the rising sun warming my body. It was a new day... in more than one way.

I took a deep breath and walked through the door of the cafe. The baristas smiled at me... and it was sincere. I ordered my coffee, gave my name(!), and waited with the other early risers for my latte. After getting my coffee, I realized I had accomplished something amazing. Yes, this was something I did many times in male mode, but this.... this was different. It was a high heeled step into another world.

Bursting with pride and confidence and acceptance, I walked into the small upscale grocery store next door to the cafe. My heels clicking on the floor, the clerks looking at me (but not staring at me), and everyone (including me) just going about their day. It was bliss. I had been so afraid to do this, but strolling through the produce section of a grocery store on a Friday morning felt like a new beginning. I was afraid of people staring, rude comments, pointing, harassment, and worse. But it was a beautiful morning.

Bolstered by the uneventful moments, I decided to make my early morning coffee run into a day of running errands. By the time my day was over, I had visited two malls, two large department stores, more coffee shops (not that I needed more caffeine) and had lunch. I returned home just... glowing. I felt like I had climbed a mountain. I had crossed so many things off of my wish list that day but as the days and weeks passed, I dreamed up more things I wanted to do. And eventually, one by one, I crossed those off my list. Museums, plays, lingerie shopping, dinner at expensive restaurant, Pride festivals, photo shoots...

But as the new year settles in, I am started to daydream once again. What's next? What is left on my wish list? I would love to be a bridesmaid at a wedding. I would love to attend a fancy gala. I would love to fly and travel en femme.

These days I feel I have the confidence to go anywhere en femme. The goals listed above are things I'll do, but just haven't gotten around to doing. These dreams feel... easy. But I love a challenge. I love to push myself in many aspect of my life, and half of my life is the life I have en femme. The idea of going through airport security and hopping on a plane and going to a new city feels like a breeze compared to other goals I have, namely my immediate family knowing me. All of me. Both of me. I have come out to my mom and siblings, but that was years ago. I wasn't who I am then. It's true you can only come out once, but as my gender identity evolves and as I understand myself (and herself) better, perhaps coming out again is the next challenge.

What are your goals and challenges?

Love, Hannah

Managing the Pink Fog

By Hannah McKnight

Coming out will definitely change your life. It will change the life of the the person you come out to. In some ways your life will be better, it may be harder, but your life will undoubtedly become more complicated. When you choose to come out (as opposed to being "caught"), you have accepted your new, or dual, gender identity. Regardless of how you identify, your wardrobe is likely getting a makeover. And it is the best thing ever. As complicated and difficult as coming out is, there is a part of you that is liberated. You are no longer denying who you are, even if you are not completely sure of who you are. You are in a new phase of your life, and as wonderful as it may be, it is not always easy to navigate this new chapter.

If you've ever started a new career, you can understand how it takes time to adjust to your new job. You learn your way around the office, the office culture, who to avoid, the phone system... this is all easy compared to adjusting to a new or evolving gender identity. And like getting accustomed to who you are, you are always going to make mistakes. But that's okay. Making mistakes is how you learn. My motto is that crossdressing takes time, patience, money, and mistakes. There was so much I have learned over the past twenty years. How to drop my hips when I walk in heels, how to apply liquid eyeliner, how to avoid getting lipstick on my teeth when I'm eating...

In addition to making mistakes, we can also make a lot of bad decisions. Often these poor choices go hand in hand with poor judgement and carelessness. This carelessness and lack of judgement is often connected to our liberation. We have come out, we have done the impossible, we have done something we never thought we would be able to do. Regardless of the reaction from the person we came out to, we have COME OUT. Even if it's just to one person, we have had a discussion about what we like to wear, what we want to wear, and how we feel.

We are emboldened, we are proud, we have accepted who we are.

And now we are lost in the Pink Fog.

The Pink Fog is a state of mind when we are so... lost in our femininity, we are happy that we have accepted this side of us, we took our gender identity to a new level, from secret... to a shared secret. Someone else knows. We are not hiding it anymore. It is not uncommon for this fog to, well, cloud our judgment. Sometimes being lost in the fog can result in something relatively harmless, such as splurging a few pairs of stilettos and a new pencil skirt instead of paying the electric bill. Sometimes being lost in the fog can be... well, a disaster.

When we come out to our partners, it can go a few different ways. It is not uncommon for our partners to set limits or boundaries when it comes to this side of us. This may be frustrating to you, but we need to give our partners time to adjust to this revelation, and to process who we are. We need to be patient, kind, and caring to who we come out to. Like our first time in six inch stilettos (and we all have tried six inch stilettos), it's all about baby steps. Our partners may ask us to not post any photos online. They may ask us not to leave the house en femme in case you are seen by someone you both know. If you do enter the real world en femme, then you may be asked to avoid certain malls or parts of the city in which you live as those areas may be frequented by your friends and family members.

Let's not forget that many of us were in the closet for so long because we were afraid of being caught, and we were afraid of someone not understanding this side of us. Our partners now have that same fear. My wife understands and accepts this side of me to the extent either of us can understand it, but she rightly fears no one else will. My wife is wonderful on so many levels and we discuss everything from eyeliner to politics to Taylor Swift to cat videos. She has also asked me to not shop at a particular mall because it is so close to our home and every time we go there we run into someone we know.

When we are lost in the fog, it's not unheard of for us to... step across the boundaries. All of our lives we have dreamed of living as who we are, and it's tempting to want to keep going to the next level, if you will. It's not unlike going from panties to a bra to a dress to a wig to makeup. We accept ourselves, we come out to someone, we want to keep getting closer to living the life we dreamed of. We want total freedom, we want to shop en femme, we want to post photos of ourselves wearing a new dress, or get feedback on our new eyeshadow. We want to do things that our wonderful, confused, and patient partners have asked us not to do.

And sometimes we do it anyway. What's the harm? Who will know? What are the chances we will run into someone we know if we just pop into the mall for an hour?

We can justify our decisions all we want. And its true, you may, for lack of a better term, get away with it. But what happens if you don't? I fully believe that we need to be upfront, honest, and transparent about who we are to our partners. I did not want my wife to find my panties. I wanted to tell her. And I did. If our partners were to learn of us going outside of these boundaries it becomes a serious violation of trust. And this violation might not be the first when it comes to this side of us. All of a sudden a pattern develops about our dressing. What else did we lie about?

As we make this step from living a secret life, from having a secret side of us to accepting and embracing who we are, it is important we continue to be honest and open. With ourselves and with who shares this secret. We trust our partners with this, it is important for us to respect our partners and for us to be worthy of their trust, too.

Love, Hannah

A Perfect World

By Hannah McKnight

For me, the gateway was heels.  At five years old I was fascinated and mesmerized by anything that girls wore.  I longed to wear skirts, lipstick, and that gorgeous princess dress my sister had.  It would be another year or so until the elaborate and delicate lingerie modeled by mannequins in department stores became my new obsession, but my first experience in this beautiful world was sneaking into a closet and trying on a pair of my mom's high heels.  Of course they were way too big for me but it was a thrilling moment that decades later I can recall with perfect clarity.

I knew even then that as beautiful as this forbidden world was, it was also a lonely one.  Boys were teased and called sissies if they did anything that wasn't associated with football or violence or being tough.  Men wearing dresses were portrayed as comedic fodder in movies.  Society did a very effective job at telling me that this world was not for me unless I wanted to be humiliated or worse.  This beautiful world became my secret world, and as I got older, a refuge from the everyday stress and realities of life.  Is there anything better after a long day at work than slipping into four inch heels, a corset, and stockings? 

It's typical for us to go through stages of guilt and shame at this side of us.  However we can (and should) accept and ultimately embrace who we are.  We will not change, we can't change, and we shouldn't change who we are. 

I accepted that this is who I am a long time ago.  I knew I would never change.  I also wondered why I ever thought I could.  I absolutely love this part of me.  It makes me so happy.  Why on earth would I want this to be erased?  Knowing I wouldn't change, and knowing I shouldn't change if it makes me happy, I soon fully embraced who I was.  Finally breaking through any sort of mental anguish that I felt, I was now ready to face another emotion.

Loneliness.

This secret, forbidden, beautiful world  is a private one.  We keep this to ourselves for many reasons, not only is it because no one needs (or wants) to know what panties I am wearing (except that one guy who keeps messaging me on Twitter), but we also learned that this part of us is supposed to be embarrassing and is misunderstood.  Things are better these days than they were thirty years ago when it comes to those of us who identify as transgender or as non-binary, but we still have a ways to go. 

When something makes us happy, it's not uncommon to want to share it.  Embracing this part of me felt like a major accomplishment and I was proud of myself.  As my look evolved from lingerie to the towering glamazon I am today, I also got to know my femme side's personality.  Clothes can absolutely impact my mood, regardless of which gender I am presenting as.  When I present as male, I am happy to stay home and read, but when the heels were on I surprised myself realizing I wanted to hit the mall and be around people.  Hannah is incredibly social whereas my male side is a lot more introverted.

I am very fortunate to have such an amazing wife.  On every level.  She makes our house a home, she's hilarious, cute, smart, patient, and kind.  The early days as she watched and guided me from underdressing to applying eyeliner to instructing me to drop my hips when I walk in stilettos were not always easy for her, but our openness and honesty with each other as I explored this side of me helped considerably.  We spent countless evenings having girls nights drinking wine and catching up after a busy day.  It was, and is, wonderful.

These girls nights made my world a lot less lonely.  I realized, and still realize, how lucky I am to have her in my life, and in Hannah's life.  Talking to my wife en femme is different than when I am a boy.  In the early days my personality and mannerisms were very different from each other depending on my gender presentation, but other the years the differences became less distinct.  It was easier for Hannah to be more vulnerable, empathetic, patient, and open.  Over time the boy side of me was able to communicate better too.  I think Hannah made me, and still makes me, a better person. 

Coming out to our spouses is an overwhelming moment in our lives.  Sometimes it doesn't go well.  But for some of us, the fortunate ones, it can be life-changing.  In a good way.  Before I go on, I want to emphasize that how someone reacts to this side of us does not necessarily reflect on the type of person they are.  This aspect of us is not easy to understand and can cause a lot of stress and emotion from our partners.  For some, it's not something they can handle or accept from their husband or boyfriend.  This does not make them a bad person.  Please remember that.

I've written previously about how this revelation can go very badly, but this conversation can also go the way exactly the way we hoped, or even better than we dared to dream.  When we have a supportive partner, our relationships will typically fall into two different scenarios.  Neither my wife or I understand this part of me, but she recognizes and understands that Hannah is (literally) part of me.  This is who I am.  She knows this part of me makes me happy.  She knows I am not able to change, and that I don't want to change, even if I could.  I came out to her early in our relationship as I knew I wanted to spend my life with her, and if this part of me was a deal-breaker, we needed to get it out into the open, before the relationship became even more serious.  Let's face it, this part of us can be a deal-breaker.  Coming out to her was hard for both of us, and there were some difficult and tense moments over the first few years, but communication and honesty were our guiding stars that we used to navigate those talks.

These days we have conversations about makeup techniques and clothing styles.  She borrows my foundation, she recommends eyeliner to me.  I keep nothing from her.  She has even written an article for my website.  I'm sure to an outsider our conversations and lives in this regard would seem very atypical, but I think that is true of any couple if you saw every aspect of their relationship.  I am blessed to have her in my life, regardless of my gender identity.

When we work up the courage to come out to our partners, many of us secretly dream not only will the accept this side of ourselves but that they will be excited that in addition to having a husband, they also have a girlfriend.  I know a lot of t-girls and some of them have wives and girlfriends who go out with them.  They shop together, go out to dinner, and do things that girlfriends do.  This is the other scenario that having a supportive partner is.  Supportive, and participating.

Regardless of what our partners' comfort level is, having someone to talk to abut everything from lipstick to dysphoria to fashion is wonderful.  To go from hiding the biggest secret in the universe to openly showing each other cute skirts is indescribable.  Finding someone we want to share our lives with is a wonderful thing.  Finding someone who wants the same thing from us is beautiful.  Add this part of us into any relationship is a new dynamic and not one every partner will understand, tolerate, or accept.  Again, this is not a reflection on them.  My wife is amazing in a million ways, and I am sure your spouse is as well, but her accepting this side of me does not necessarily make her better than a partner who would prefer not to ever discuss this topic ever again.  Finding someone to share our everyday lives with is a treasure.  We must be honest with them, and we must be honest with ourselves, especially with this part of us.

Love, Hannah

The Aftermath

By Hannah McKnight

If you are like me, you have been who you are for your entire life.  This side of you likely started at an early point in your life.  It evolved over time.  You became bolder, braver, more confident that that this side of you was, and will always be a part of you.  It is not a phase, it is not something you will outgrow.  If you're lucky, you have embraced this side of yourself and you wouldn't change this part of you even if you could.

If you are like me, you have kept this side of you to yourself.  I have never been ashamed about this side of who I am, but I have always realized that this is not something I understood, and I knew that it was unlikely that anyone else would understand either.  I was afraid of someone finding out, so I kept this private.  I was afraid of being made fun of, I was afraid of not being accepted.  I was afraid of the potential reaction.  I was afraid of how this revelation would alter a relationship, regardless of whether it was a relationship with a friend, family member, or a significant other. 

I was afraid of the aftermath.

But I knew this part of me was as much of a part of me as anything else that made me who I am.  I knew that if I was going to be in a relationship I would have to tell my partner.  Knowing that this was the right thing to do did not make it any easier to have the talk, but I had to do it.  I have had the talk with three significant others and was apprehensive about it each time.  Each time it went in a different direction and there was no question that it changed the dynamic between the two of us. 

Coming out to your significant other is not easy.  Regardless of how well you know someone, it's still impossible to predict their response.  We fear the worst when it comes to coming out as we have no idea what this revelation will mean in terms of not only our dressing, but also in regards to how this will impact our relationship with our significant other.  But what happens next after this revelation comes to light?  Unfortunately it does not always go the way we would like it to.  I hate to dwell on the negative, but it's important to be realistic and prepared.  It can be, well, soul crushing to come out to the person we love more than anyone in the world and be rejected for who we are. 

I do want to state that every relationship is different.  Every dynamic between two people is unique.  Coming out can affect two people in very unpredictable ways and this is not meant to be a definitive or final word on this matter.   

Will this end your relationship?  Possibly.  This is not something that is easy for someone else to understand or to accept.  The issue is not always the revelation, however.  Perhaps your partner feels that this is something you should have told them before you got married instead of ten years into a marriage.  Perhaps this news uncovers a lie, or a series of lies about this side of you.  Maybe it wasn't a business trip you went on but instead a weekend in a different city where you treated yourself to a makeover and shopping. 

The first girl I came out to simply... shut it down.  She thanked me for telling her but she asked me to, well, never do it again.  I promised I wouldn't, mostly out of relief that she didn't break up with me.  I also believed that I could stop.  Ha.  The day after we broke up I bought some new lingerie and shaved my legs.  It is not an uncommon outcome for our significant others to ask us to promise them that we will never dress again.  They want assurance that this side of us in the past.  They never, ever, want to talk about this again.  Ever.  They want to move on. 

This does not necessarily make them a bad person.  Please know this.  But if this part of you is an essential part of you, then you need to know how your partner views this aspect of you before you enter into a committed relationship... for both of your sake.   

Although this side of us is hard enough for us to understand, it's even harder for someone else to.  However, our partners may understand that this is a part of us that we can't, or don't want to, change.  It is not easy for our partners to see our pink panties in the laundry basket, a lacy bra strap peeking out under our shirt, a new dress hanging in our closet, or traces of mascara on our eyelashes.  Some of us have partners who acknowledge and have accepted that this is who we are... but they would prefer not to see any off this side of us.  A familiar dynamic is a somewhat informal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' agreement.  They know about this side of us, but they don't want to see any of our clothes or know any details in regards to our dressing.

It is somewhat a compromise and couples will develop, whether it is intentional or not, a language of code words such as "I'm going out on Saturday night" or "Jennifer has plans that day" when both of you know that you are Jennifer.  Although this dynamic is not ideal for either person, one wishes they had more freedom and support, and the other preferring this side of their partner not existing, it is still somewhat a sign of support from their partner.  We know this side of us is exactly that - a side of us.  We know its not going away.  Our partners acknowledging, and being able to accommodate this aspect of us, however limiting, is a form of acceptance. 

Our hesitation to come out to our partners is sometimes fueled by us not knowing how they will react.  This reluctance can also be bolstered by fearing either of these outcomes.  We fall in love with our partners and we want to be with them.  Any revelation or change that could potentially end, or significantly change our relationship with them is frightening.  We have lived our entire lives with this side of us.  We have accepted and hopefully even embraced who we are.  We have made this part of us work within our daily, personal lives.  We are used to the limitations that exist when it comes to us wanting to be who we are, or dress how we want.  We want change, but we also fear it.  We worry that coming out is not worth these risks.  I understand this.  Believe me, I wrestle with coming out to other people in my life whenever I see them.  I want to, but I am afraid of how my relationship with them will change.  Sometimes it can go badly, but sometimes it can be the best decision you will ever make. 

Love, Hannah

The Talk

By Hannah McKnight

I have written previously about the importance of being honest with your significant other.  It is not only essential (and the right thing to do) to disclose who you are (and what you like to wear) to your partner, it is also critical to be honest with yourself.  This is a beautiful part of you that will not go way.  This is not a phase.  This is not something that will lessen or diminish over time.  Quite the opposite, actually.  If you deny your true self, or fail to acknowledge this, or any part of you, it will actually strengthen. 

This is who you are. 

When you meet your one and only, it is one of the most significant and beautiful moments of your life.  Meeting them fills you with a joy unlike anything else.  I don't need to tell you how wonderful love is or how amazing your partner is.  You know them better than anyone else on the planet.  You pick up on subtle things, you know when they are happy, annoyed, or having a bad day.  They know you, too.  We know our partners better than we know ourselves.  How amazing is that?

Revealing this side of you may be a surprise, it may be the last thing they expected to hear, but they need to know.  I know it's hard to talk about this side of us as it is explaining something ta cannot be put into words.  I can't tell you why I love lingerie or stilettos any more than I can explain why falling asleep listening to the rain is the best thing in the world.  It just is.  There are moments in life (and clothes in my closet) that just make me happy for reasons that I can't describe.  But the reason we keep this side of ourselves private is because truly we have no idea how someone will react when we come out to them.  We have no idea what dynamic a relationship will take once this is out in the open.  There is no going back. 

It would be naive to think that a relationship (regardless if it is a marriage, friendship, or any other) will not be affected by this revelation.  Even if this side of you never comes up again in conversation, there is a change.  Private thoughts, private fears, private feelings.  From both of you. 

Although we know our partners better than anyone else on the planet, there is really no way to know how they will react.  And not knowing this is terrifying and will often push us into keeping this side of us a secret.  Better the devil you know than the devil you don't, I suppose.  But we need to be honest with our significant others. 

So, what will this talk be like?  I don't know.  Although I have had "The Talk" with three partners in my life (two girlfriends and my wife), the outcomes and the discussion couldn't have been more different from each other.  Each talk surprised me in different ways, but many of the questions were the same.  These questions seem to be common in every coming out conversation.  Although I can't predict how your talk will go, you should be prepared for the most frequently asked questions including questions about your sexuality, gender identity, and whether you want to transition.

I can also guarantee you will be asked these questions, but beyond that, this conversation is impossible to guess.  And yes, that is scary.  How does one approach a conversation like this?  Beyond having a response (not necessarily an answer) for the questions about sexuality and gender identity, you may want to have the mindset of that this conversation similar to disclosing bad news, or even news that will forever change your relationship.  And yes, that is terrifying.  I have had to disclose big news to my wife, such as getting laid off or a potential medical issue, and although coming out to her wasn't quite the same as these examples, I approached it with the same seriousness.

No matter how well you know someone, it's impossible to predict their reaction as this is not a conversation that one expects to have with their partner.  You may not have expected to have it either... perhaps you thought or even hoped this would pass.  But I commend anyone who has this conversation.  It means you have acknowledged that side of us isn't going away. 

So, how will this conversation go? 

The scenario we all hope for is one of complete and sincere enthusiasm.  We all hope that our partners will be thrilled about this side of us and before you know it they are doing your makeup or helping you pick out panties.  It sounds like a fantasy because for most of us it's not the response that we get.  You should not expect this kind of response as it will only crush your spirit if this is not the outcome. 

The first time I came out to a girl was not easy.  But to be fair it doesn't ever get easier.  Her response was basically her appreciating that I told her, but never wanted to discuss it.  Ever.  At all.  Follow up attempts to discuss this side of me were met with a change of subject and I eventually dropped it.  This was brutal, to be honest.  I had found the courage to come out and was completely shot down.  But it's not fair to expect someone to accept this side of us.  They are under no obligation to do so.  I was disappointed, to say the least.  I knew that accepting this side of me as a lot to ask, let alone being allowed to dress how I wanted, but after years of building up the courage to tell someone, it was heartbreaking to not even talk about it.  The relationship ended and as a bit of retaliation I shaved my legs for the first time.  This outcome is fairly common, and although it wasn't how I wanted the talk to go, I am still convinced I did the right thing.    Knowing who I am today, and knowing how she felt about this side of me, I realized I would have been miserable had the relationship lasted.  We all need to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship, especially when there are more than one sides of us. 

We fear rejection when we come out which often holds us back from doing so.  But what can make someone reconsider coming out is if they have a lot of things to explain or come clean about.  Lying to your partner is never, never a good idea.  This side of us almost demands we tell little white lies to others.  Telling a coworker that I had a boring weekend when I really spent Saturday getting a makeover and going shoe shopping is technically a lie, but it’s a lie I can live with.  Lying to our significant others about this side of us is a different story.  When you come out, you need to be honest.  Not only when you are asked about your sexual orientation or if you want to transition, but about everything.  And I mean EVERYTHING. 
Have you ever posted photos of yourself online?
Have you ever left the house dressed?
Who else knows?
Were you REALLY on a business trip last month and not getting a makeover in Las Vegas? 
Have you been faithful?
Any deception can make someone (rightfully so) angry.  It's not always about the panties, it is usually about the lying about this side of you.  Can you blame them?

The fourth scenario is one of intense trepidation.  They don't understand this side of you.  You have turned their world upside-down.  There may be tears. There is probably fear.  I don't need to tell you what they are afraid of.  There may not be any resolution to the conversation.  They are processing it.  They are overwhelmed.  They are shocked.  They are feeling a million things.  Be kind.  Be gentle.  Drop talking about it if they need you to.  Don't let your disappointment get the better of you if you were hoping they would take you shopping for shoes as soon as you came out.  This is a conversation that will be had over the course of a few days or even over a few years.  Talking about it is good.  That's what needs to happen.  You may been hoping for, I guess permission is the best way to describe it, but they are still reacting to this bombshell.  And it is a bombshell.  Let's not pretend it's not. 

Regardless of the direction your conversation takes, and it could very well be a combination of more than one of these scenarios, you need to be transparent, calm, and supportive.  Answer any questions honestly and openly and with love and patience.  The initial conversation is likely the first of many discussions you will have about this part of you as more questions are bound to come up after this revelation sinks in.  This is a new world for them.  Be kind.

Love, Hannah

An Unraveled World

By Hannah McKnight

Humans, by design, are social creatures.  We need other people for friendship, support, and companionship.  We spend a lot of time and energy looking for someone to share our lives with.  We seek out others to celebrate our victories, to confide our fears to, and for comfort in our darkest days.

We are all complicated and nuanced.  As individuals we need our together time, and we need our alone time.  And these reasons vary from person to person.  In my male life, I have a small number of friends and I prefer to stay home and read or have company over.  En femme, however, is a completely different story.  Yes, I am a t-girl, I am a crossdresser.  But I suppose the most accurate label (if you will) is that I am bi-gender.  My closet is divided between neckties and little black dresses.  Wing tips and sky-high stilettos.  There's very little overlap between my two genders, not only in my wardrobe but also in my life.

En femme I am social, chatty, have a lot of friends, and love nothing more than spending the day running errands, trying on dresses, and meeting friends for dinner.  Almost seven years ago I started a social/support group for girls like me simply so I could meet friends to hit the mall with.  While I do enjoy a quiet day at a museum listening to my heels click against the floor as I wander from sculpture to painting, there is nothing like looking at cute dresses with another t-girl.

It wasn't that long ago, but it seems like those days were forever ago.  It isn't an exaggeration to say that COVID-19 has changed everything.  Schools are closed, people are fighting each other for toilet paper at the grocery store, the baseball season has been postponed, many of us are working from home.  Routines are completely changed and we are all adjusting to a new (and hopefully temporary) world.  The dystopian and apocalyptic themes from many science-fiction books do not seem like much of an exaggeration anymore. 

I see a lot of discussion online about how people are adapting to limited resources, and basically never leaving the house.  Of course, girls like us also consider anything and everything through a very different set of eyes.  Eyes that love to be adorned with heavy eyeliner and a beautiful shade of shadow, of course.  For my male life, not much has really changed.  I already worked from home, so not being able to go into the office isn't much different than what my life is already like.  I prefer to stay home and read than go out, and if I need something, whether it is a new book or a cute dress, most of what I am looking for is found online. 

But Hannah's life?  God, I am feeling trapped.

I had been looking forward to going out this week for the whole month.  I had booked my makeover, decided on my outfit (and then changed my mind a dozen times), shopped for a new dress, and had a wonderful day with friends planned out.  But slowly my plans unraveled.  My makeover was canceled since the salon temporarily closed, some of my friends felt it wasn't safe to go out, and then the event itself that we were planning to attend was put on hold.  My day just evaporated.  I was crushed.  For those who hit the town regularly you know exactly what I am talking about.

I am hoping, for many reasons, that things go back to normal soon.  I am not going to pretend that being able to hit the mall (and everywhere else) en femme is not one of the reasons.  Sure, I can dress at home, but for me, Hannah needs to go out.  I like looking amazing.  I like interacting with the world as Hannah.  I like men holding the door for me because I am a lady, I like the barista calling out Hannah's name as they make her latte, I like being called ma'am by a salesclerk.  I like seeing my friends, the wind blowing my skirt (but not tooooo high), I like trying on new dresses at the mall. 

So, how do I cope?  I know it sounds dramatic, and yes, probably shallow, but this side of me needs to be....hm, acknowledged and attended to.  What's good for her is good for all of me.  If the last few weeks have taught us anything, is that things can, and have changed, dramatically from day to day.  It is pointless to make specific plans anymore.  Whether it is booking a flight or dinner reservations.  Domestic flights could be canceled today (if they haven't been already), and who knows when restaurants will reopen?  Instead of making plans, I am doing a few things to help this side of me get through these difficult and frightening times.

First of all, I underdress.  I may not be able to wear that cute outfit, but I can certainly wear a sexy matching bra and panty (and garter belt and stockings) under my boy clothes.  Panties and lingerie have and will always been how I connect with my femme side, especially when I am in male mode. 

Wearing that little black dress while binging Netflix just isn't the same.  If I am going to be stuck at home it's a perfect opportunity to be lazy (and cute) in a pair of leggings or yoga pants.  Wearing a femme t-shirt and leggings is not only super comfy, but also a wonderful way to be connected to this side of us.  Talking to your boss or having a conference call with your co-workers is a lot more fun if you're wearing a cute outfit.  Trust me.  But shut off your webcam.  :)

I also shop online.  Looking at cute dresses and pretty lingerie has me feeling femme in just a few clicks.  This side of us needs to be taken care, and buying a cute bra is a perfect way to give this side of us a little present.

I daydream.  A lot.  Having my plans canceled is depressing, but I am trying to remain hopeful that things return to normal soon.  I am thinking about all the things I want to do as soon as the malls, salons, and restaurants reopen.  Whether it is going out to dinner, trying on dresses, or just feeling the sun on my face after a makeover.  It doesn't take much for this side of me to be content.  Sometimes it's a cup of coffee and a book at a cafe is all I need, but as days like these pass, my en femme plans are getting bigger and bigger.  If this lasts much longer, I will have a trip around the world planned soon. 

Watch makeup tutorial videos.  Clean the house in a French maid uniform.  Mastered walking in three inch stilettos?  Order some five inch ones and practice in those.

Stay connected with other t-girls.  This is essential whether you are stuck at home or after life returns to normal.  Make a profile on www.crossdresserheaven.com, www.transgenderheaven.com, crossdressers.com, urnotalone.com or gendersociety.com.  Only another t-girl knows how we feel, in all aspects.  We never have to explain ourselves to another girl like us.  Start a website with wordpress.com and express yourself through your writings. 

Of course, not all of us have the freedom to take a conference call in a pencil skirt and kitten heels.  We may not be out to the others who live with us, whether they are roommates, our partners, or our children.  Many of us look forward to being home and having the house to ourselves so we can dress how we like.  With everyone working from home and schools being closed it poses a bit of a problem.  This is when I am thankful for underdressing and being able to shop online.  It's not the same as being able to dress head to toe, but wearing or buying pink panties can really help. 

One thing I will not recommend is thinking this is the perfect time too have "the talk" with your significant other.  Let's face it, many of us are stressed and worried right now.  Our lives, our routines, and everything else has been turned upside-down.  We can't do the things we used to do, whether it is meeting a friend for dinner or going to a yoga class.  Our routines were a comfort to us.  We could look forward to them.  Visiting the gym was a great way to relieve stress, having coffee with a friend was a nice escape.  These little things are gone for the time being.  It's easy to understand why people are tense and already on edge.  This is not a good time to tell your partner that you are who you are, if you haven't already.  Yes, you and your spouse may be around each other all the time and you have a lot of opportunities to just enjoy each other's company, but even under normal circumstances this is one of the most stressful things you can introduce into a relationship.  When you come out to your spouse, they may need to process it.  They may need to talk to a friend.  They may need to step out of the house and take some time to themselves.  These actions are not options at the moment.  We need to be considerate of how our partner and how they are feeling and what they may need after this revelation. 

These days are difficult.  No one is certain when things will go back to normal.  This is not the same thing as waiting until the weekend when you can dress and go to the mall.  This is not the same thing as waiting until the kids go back to school after spring break and you can try on your new dress.  We need to be prepared for the long term.  Taking care of our other self, our femme self, is always important.  We need to acknowledge her, we need to pay attention to her.  Not doing this can cause stress and anxiety.  We need the release and comfort that our other side brings us.  For many of us we can't let her out at the moment so we need to do what we can when it comes to caring for this part of us.  Underdress, shop online, create a blog, daydream, paint your nails, watch makeup tutorials... do what you need to do for her. 

Just don't ignore her.

Stay safe, and stay sane.

Love, Hannah