Strutting Away from Shame

By Hannah McKnight

There are a zillion ways someone like us can identify as. From the day I learned the word I identified as a crossdresser. When I heard the word transgender I felt it encompassed me more, but it was years until I identified that way. I define transgender as anyone who is outside of the traditional gender norms. A boy who wears eyeliner or paints his nails? Someone killing onstage in drag? A man who wears panties under his three piece suit? I believe they all fall under the bright pink transgender umbrella. Under that umbrella is a term that probably describes who I am the best: I am bi-gender.

I present as either HE or SHE. Yes, there is a little crossover such as wearing panties in boy mode or sleeping in a nightgown, but most of the world sees me in either patent black stilettos or in work boots.

When I make that beautiful transition from one gender presentation and identity to another, I am aware of how much I am changing physically. I have my thigh pads, my hip pads, my breast forms, my hair, both body and wig. My makeup causes my eyes to pop, my face is contoured, my lips painted a bright, glossy red.

But for as many things I can and do change, there are parts of me that no matter what I do, they cannot be altered. I am tall, I have large hands, I have broad shoulders. These are my most "male" features. Yes, I can minimize my shoulders visually, I COULD skip the heels (I will never skip the heels), and I could hide my hands more.

Before I go any further, I wish to clarify that no one, absolutely no one is too tall, too.... anything to be beautiful, to be a girl, to identify however they want. I have met cis-women who are taller than me, even in my highest heels. And I have some high heels.

But these are the parts of me that if I COULD change, I would. I don't believe in passing, of course. As I said, no one is too tall or anything to be a girl. There are no standards that one needs to meet in order to be feminine.

I used to not feel this way, though. I used to think I was too tall to go out, too tall to wear those heels. But it wasn't my height or hands or anything one could see that was holding me back. What was keeping me home was my own thoughts and doubts and fears. Eventually I got tired of strutting around my living room and finally went out that front door and never looked backed. And I thank god every day for that decision.

The more I went out, the less self-conscious I was about my height, my hands, and everything else. Of course people stared, I'm fabulous But kidding aside, people stared because I am wearing a bright pink dress, I am (probably) overdressed for the mall, and I am a transgender girl. Of course people will stare. And when I say stare, it's more like a double-take. They see me, they look again, and we all move on with our lives.

Each time I go out, I feel more empowered than I did the last time. I am conquering an unseen force... my doubts, my fears, my dysphoria. Each time I walked through the front door of a museum, theater, dress shop I was walking away from the part of me that said I couldn't, or shouldn't, do this. Dressing is empowering to me. Going out is empowering to me. Wearing those heels that make me the tallest girl in the city is me saying that no one, not even me, is too tall to be a girl. I am tall, I am an amazon, I am a goddess, I am a six foot tall girl, before the four inch heels. I look down (literally) on those who hate me. Let's see them walk in these stilettos.

If being en femme is not empowering I don't know what is. We are being true to ourselves, despite the world wanting us to suppress who we are.

People are going to see me. Let them look. Let them stare. It doesn't bother me a bit. I spent $80 on a makeover, they better look, lol.

When I feel and look beautiful, I feel I can take on anything. Dressing (for the most part) has always felt empowering to me. Yes, mastering walking in stilettos and being able to do winged eyeliner feels as if I am conquering something, but the real strength comes from letting ourselves listen to this part of us. Accepting and embracing who we are when almost all of society says to stay in our gender lane. We are told to not wear pink, don't wear that skirt, don't paint your nails. We listen for a while... and then some of us stop listening to THEM and we start listening to HER. That is the victory, that is the empowerment.

But before we can feel empowered, many of us have to face the opposite: the shame.

I do not think we are born feeling shame when it comes to wearing or identifying with anything feminine. I believe we are taught this shame. Boys are told not to cry like a girl, boys are mocked if they throw a basketball like a girl, run like a girl, bake like a girl... we are taught that being a girl is something we should be ashamed of. The damage this does to us is severe, not to mention the damage this causes girls who overhear this type of ridicule. We hear these horrible things in our childhood, often right around the time we are starting to pay attention to what we feel, and what we want to wear. These feelings of shame can be entwined with our wanting to wear that dress, those shoes.

This side of us is wonderful. It is nothing to be ashamed of. There is nothing wrong with us. We are all goddesses. We are women.

And fear? Of course we're afraid. I'm afraid of the stem of my heel snapping, I am afraid of my stockings getting a run in them. Joking aside, I am afraid of being harassed. As powerful as I feel en femme, sometimes a snide comment can destroy my confidence. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. I am afraid of being attacked, of course. I am afraid of being seen by someone I am not out to, especially if that someone is not someone I want to be out to ...ever. It's natural to be afraid. It's normal. But fear is not something that we should let control our lives. Rather, we can mitigate it. Afraid of being seen by someone you know? Go to a different town. Afraid of being attacked? Go to a very public place (which is scary in a different way), but I feel more at ease in a crowded mall than anywhere else. Afraid of your stockings running? Keep a second pair in your purse. I know I do.

Just like there are a zillion ways we can identify, there are countless feelings and emotions this side of us can bring. Sometimes we feel them all at once. My legs tremble with fear at the same time my skin tingles with joy when I step out. It's exhausting.

There is no shame in who you are. There is no shame in beauty, in being feminine. Being true to yourself is the most powerful thing you can be.

Love, Hannah

No Looking Back

By Hannah McKnight

I hate hearing about how we are all on a journey.  It gives the impression that we are forever wandering and looking to find something, or to arrive somewhere.  That discovering ourselves is something that is never finished and we are looking for a destination where we will never arrive.  When I hear about other t-girls and their journey, I tell myself my journey is over.  I have arrived, and I have arrived fabulously.  I am not looking for who I am, I am not trying to find myself.  I am finished.  I am complete.  If I was on a journey it started when I was four when I tried on my mother's high heels.  It ended the day I completed my look with my first real wig and dressed en femme from head to pink nail polished toes for the first time.

I think what bothers me the most about the idea of being on a journey is that it's probably the most accurate description of who we are and what we are doing.  Like many journeys, this path to discovering our identity is fraught with setbacks, false starts, beautiful experiences, and frightening moments.  Over the years I have experienced many moments of pure joy such as owning my first matching bra and panty, the first time I woke up in a nightie, and seeing myself after a makeover.  There's been so many thrilling moments including mastering walking in stilettos or applying liquid eyeliner flawlessly for the first time.  There has been terrifying moments such as those nights where I would lie in bed and thinking what would happen if I someone saw the pink lace of my panties peeking out from under my jeans or the time I literally ran into my mom when I was out en femme.

Our gender identities (and let's face it, our journeys) are never straightforward or a straight line.  There are obstacles, unintentionally getting lost, backtracking, and times where we take a break.  If we are on a journey with our gender identity, that adventure starts at the very same time we realize that... well, we are not MEN in the common thinking.  There's just something about high heels, lipstick, lingerie, and dresses that just... speaks to us.  We're not sure what that little black dress is saying, but God, we are paying attention to it.  And so begins this adventure.

I know a lot of t-girls and although we are all at different stages of our lives, whether we are ten years into retirement or still in college, we all have very similar stories.  We were young, we were curious, the magnetic-like pull of a pencil skirt or a bra was irresistible.  We try on that dress, play with mascara, and... we stop.  We suppress these desires, we deny our feelings, and we give in blissfully and willingly soon enough.  Over time we buy our first pair of panties, our first dress, and regardless of how small and humble it is, our wardrobe is starting.

And then it stops.  We purge.  We toss out our beautiful lingerie, that pair of strappy black patent stilettos that we wore and practiced strutting in.  All of it, gone.  Our journey stops.  Until it starts again.  We are at the mall and we see a dress we can't resist.  We buy a new nightgown online.  Joy intensifies.  Our wardrobe is starting once more.

Perhaps this gets purged again.  Perhaps not.  We might toss it all and start over a dozen times throughout our lives.  Each time we begin again we are reminded that this is who we are.  We can't deny it.  But it's not a new beginning, not really.  It's resuming the journey that we already started.  We are just inching further along.

As our wardrobe grows, we are learning so much about ourselves.  We are learning which foundation is right for our skin tone, what our dress size is, and how to accessorize.  But we are also learning that we are who we are.  We are learning to accept ourselves.  And this revelation is akin to going miles down that path in our journey.  After acceptance comes embracing who we are.  At this point we are no longer walking down that path, we have boarded a bullet train.

Our journey was filled with starts and stops.  Buying and purging.  Denial and acceptance.  Perhaps we were looking over our shoulder and glancing back and not willing to accept who we are.  The journey may have stopped a few times, it may have slowed to a crawl.  But we never went back.  We couldn't, no matter how much we wanted to.

Once we have accepted and embraced who we are, then the road becomes... well, not easier, but different.  Perhaps the road was winding but the road is little more straightish.  The road probably has more peaks and valleys just as our lives have more highs and lows.  We are strutting forward with the wind of denial and self-torment at our backs.  We have made the biggest change of our lives by deciding to no longer deny who we are, what we want to wear.  Purging is a thing of the past.

We make room in our wardrobes for our dresses, we might tell others in our lives who we are.  Our lives begin to change.  We may still be in the closet to most of the world, but the important thing is we are no longer trying to deny this, we are no longer trying to suppress this side of us.  We are who we are and hopefully we love this side of us.  I think we do.  I know I do.  Acceptance can also lead to other changes besides just a growing and unstoppable collection of high heels.  It can lead to other physical changes.  I am not talking about hormones or surgery, but there are other things we do.  We are often bolstered by accepting ourselves and this can lead to expanding our wardrobe or going out en femme or coming out to others in our lives.  But we might start thinking about changes to our male appearance for the... ah, benefit of our femme selves.

Years of cardio, biking, and the Stairmaster has given me a fabulous pair of legs in my opinion.  Besides all those steps, my legs look amazing thanks to nice, smooth skin.  I loved my legs but I was always afraid to shave them. I was worried about what others would think.  Would they figure it out?  But as I accepted myself, I started to care less about what others thought.  Besides, who really sees my legs?  I can wear pants instead of shorts if I needed to.  Once I shave my legs, there was no going back.  Nothing feels better or looks better than a shaven, smooth leg.  Shaving my legs represented me accepting and embracing who I am, and what I want to look like.  Yes, people likely noticed, but I didn't care.  I also realized that most people probably wouldn't care or even bother speculating why my legs were shaven.

Soon my arms were smooth.  I could finally wear sleeveless tops and dresses.  But the defining moment was my eyebrows.  Some of us wax them, I have mine threaded.  En femme they look fabulous.  In male mode, well, they also look fabulous, but I don't think they are overly femme.  Yes, they are thinner and have a bit of a shaped arch, but I think they suit my face.

These are some of the physical changes I made when I fully accepted and embraced who I am.  There's no going back, physically, or emotionally.

Love, Hannah

Taking the Next Step - Goals and Challenges

By Hannah McKnight

I know its a cliche but I love a fresh start. I love being able to begin again, I love starting over. I love a challenge, I love setting goals.

I love taking the next step. In stilettos, naturally.

It doesn't seem like that long ago when I would go to the mall and avoid glancing over at the lingerie sections of a department store lest someone figure out my secret. I am not sure when I found the courage to do so, or where that bravery came from, but one day I bought a pair of panties and never looked back. I never thought I would do anything more fearless than that, but fast forward a decade (or two) and, well, here I am.

I look at my photos and I look at my wardrobe and it all looks so easy. These days I never think twice about walking across a parking lot to a salon for a makeover. Strutting through the mall in four inch heels? Easy peasy. Bra fitting? No problem.

But what's next? Ten years ago if I looked at what my life is like today I would have thought I wouldn't want anything more. As I become more confident and comfortable living a double life (if you will) and having two gender identities, I've wanted to do more "everyday" things. At one time going out en femme meant visiting a LGBTQ+ bar or a drag show. Then progressing to a coffee shop owned by a trans woman. Soon I was attending support groups for transgender women. Going out en femme meant going to places where a girl like me wasn't unusual. But after limiting myself to these types of places for a while I began to grow restless. I wanted something new. My confidence grew, I was comfortable being out in the real world, and I wanted to experience more than what I had already done.

I started to list all the places I would go if I were brave. Shopping at the mall, getting a makeover, that cute store in Minneapolis that sold amazing dresses, having coffee, going out to dinner. And then one day in June... I just did it. The first time I went out en femme during the day was an experience I will never forget. Too excited to sleep, I woke up early and got dressed. I wore a cute pastel tank top, a black cardigan, a skirt with a floral pattern, black stockings, and black stilettos. As nervous as I was, my eyeliner looked amazing despite my trembling hand.

Before I had a chance to talk myself out of it, I was in my car and on my way to a coffee shop. I drove about twenty miles away from where I lived to hopefully avoid anyone I knew. I parked my car and walked about two blocks to get my coffee. I will never forget the sensation of my heels on the sidewalk, the wind through my long, black hair, the rising sun warming my body. It was a new day... in more than one way.

I took a deep breath and walked through the door of the cafe. The baristas smiled at me... and it was sincere. I ordered my coffee, gave my name(!), and waited with the other early risers for my latte. After getting my coffee, I realized I had accomplished something amazing. Yes, this was something I did many times in male mode, but this.... this was different. It was a high heeled step into another world.

Bursting with pride and confidence and acceptance, I walked into the small upscale grocery store next door to the cafe. My heels clicking on the floor, the clerks looking at me (but not staring at me), and everyone (including me) just going about their day. It was bliss. I had been so afraid to do this, but strolling through the produce section of a grocery store on a Friday morning felt like a new beginning. I was afraid of people staring, rude comments, pointing, harassment, and worse. But it was a beautiful morning.

Bolstered by the uneventful moments, I decided to make my early morning coffee run into a day of running errands. By the time my day was over, I had visited two malls, two large department stores, more coffee shops (not that I needed more caffeine) and had lunch. I returned home just... glowing. I felt like I had climbed a mountain. I had crossed so many things off of my wish list that day but as the days and weeks passed, I dreamed up more things I wanted to do. And eventually, one by one, I crossed those off my list. Museums, plays, lingerie shopping, dinner at expensive restaurant, Pride festivals, photo shoots...

But as the new year settles in, I am started to daydream once again. What's next? What is left on my wish list? I would love to be a bridesmaid at a wedding. I would love to attend a fancy gala. I would love to fly and travel en femme.

These days I feel I have the confidence to go anywhere en femme. The goals listed above are things I'll do, but just haven't gotten around to doing. These dreams feel... easy. But I love a challenge. I love to push myself in many aspect of my life, and half of my life is the life I have en femme. The idea of going through airport security and hopping on a plane and going to a new city feels like a breeze compared to other goals I have, namely my immediate family knowing me. All of me. Both of me. I have come out to my mom and siblings, but that was years ago. I wasn't who I am then. It's true you can only come out once, but as my gender identity evolves and as I understand myself (and herself) better, perhaps coming out again is the next challenge.

What are your goals and challenges?

Love, Hannah

Explaining the Unexplainable

By Hannah McKnight

There are two enormous reasons why I don't come out to more people in my life.

The first is that coming out is very, very exhausting.  The conversation is long, there are a lot of questions, and I find myself trying to explain the unexplainable. I don't mind the questions, however.  Questions are usually asked in an effort to understand someone else. But again, this is a conversation that is usually dominated by trying to explain something that really can't be put into words.  Why do I do this? Why am I who I am? 

Dresses, panties, stilettos are simply more interesting than slacks, boxers, and loafers, sure, but why do I want to wear them? I don't know. It's not a conscious decision. It's similar to trying to explain why I like Mexican cuisine more than I like Japanese food. The best I can come up with is that there is a side of me that wants to, that needs to be, beautiful. Speaking in broad generalities, the desire, the need to be beautiful, to look beautiful, is something more women understand and can relate to than cisgender men. Why on earth would I spend $80 on a makeover when I could buy a fishing pole instead? Why would I want to take a day trying on little black dresses at the mall when I could be watching football? Why am I getting frustrated when I simply can't get a false eyelash to apply properly? 

Sexuality almost always comes into the conversation. Who I am attracted to does not change based on whether I am wearing pink panties or boxer shorts.  I'm kidding.  I don't wear boxer shorts. This is an expected question, although I am sure most of us are tired of it. Displaying any sort of feminine characteristics is commonly associated with being gay so it's understandable (although exhausting) that we are asked if we like men.  hether we identify as a t-girl, crossdresser, gender non-confirming, or non-binary, we are often grouped into drag, which is usually done by gay men. Not that there's anything wrong that, but there's a world of difference between me shopping at the mall en femme and someone performing on a stage wearing a three foot tall wig and eight inch platform heels. 

The second is that the relationship between myself and the person I come out to is forever changed. This is one of the big revelations that happen only a few times in a relationship.  Besides my wife, siblings, and my mom, I have come out to very few others.  I am careful as to whom I come out to as this is still something I want to keep from most of the world. The people I want to prevent from knowing would either not try to understand or even sever the relationship forever. I have little regard for those who would choose to cut me out of their life because of my gender identity, but...well, family is family, I suppose. 

When you come out to someone, you are trusting them to react in a kind and understanding way. You are also trusting to keep this secret as well. This is a lot to ask as the person you come out to will likely be overwhelmed, confused, or scared by this revelation.  They may need to talk about it with someone else. They need to process it. They need to sort it out. But they can't. Who else would understand? We know that this is something that is hard for us to understand and to put into words.  It's even harder for someone else to explain who, or why, we are to another person.

Given these two reasons, it's understandable why we don't come out to more people.  No matter how well we know someone, there's really no way to predict how they will react, especially when it comes to our significant others.  When I come out to others, it has usually been for a reason. I came out to a roommate once because I was pretty sure there would be a moment where she glimpsed a bra strap under my shirt or lacy edging of my panties under my jeans. When I came out to my sisters I had hoped for a chance to, well, be their sister sometimes. But when we come out to our significant others, we can't do this based on what we hope the result will be. We have to come out because they simply need to know all sides of us. They deserve to know the real you, the complete you, so they can choose for themselves if you are who they want to be in a relationship with.

And if they don't? That doesn't make them a bad person. This is a lot to ask of someone.

It's hard to have a conversation about anything, especially this, when you have no idea how it will go. 
There are a few things you need to know before you have this talk, though. 

Who are you? How do identify? 
However you identify, it's important to be able to clearly and confidently explain however you see yourself.  I understand and can relate to how someone can evolve how they see themselves over time.  When I came out to my wife, I saw myself as a crossdresser.  It was all panties and lingerie.  Fast forward thirteen years, and, well, look at me.  Today I am transgender, but I suppose bi-gender might be a more fitting label, if you will.  As I evolved, I continued to talk with my wife about my (ugh) journey.  She was along for these steps, too, though.  She helped me chose my first wig and taught me how to apply blush, after all.

What is your sexual preference? 
I know, I know.  But you will likely be asked this. Sure, most of us will say there is no connection between what we wear to bed and who we want to go to bed with, but there are many of us who are open to interacting with men in a different way en femme than they would when they present as male. This interaction can be anything from flirting to... well, let's call it intimacy.  For some of us, sexuality can be flexible and it can change depending on which gender we present as. Coming out to your partner will likely raise concerns that others may not bring up. Our significant others may understandably be afraid that we may not be a confident about our sexuality as we think we are. If you are not straight, regardless of your gender identity, you need to be upfront with your partner. 

What's next?
This question takes a lot of soul-searching.  Be prepared for questions about what you want. Do you want to transition? Do you feel you were assigned the wrong gender at birth? Do you want hormones? I think the initial reaction to these inquiries is that no, this is really just about dressing up, or about clothes, but... is it? I used to think this was all about lingerie but it's clearly not.  Yes, I evolved in a way, like most of us will but did I want then what I have now? I was confident about who I was when I came out to my then-girlfriend, but coming out to someone else today would be a different story. It's common for someone to feel or want different things as time passes, that certainly was the case for me, but if you are truly confused or unsure about who you are or what you want, it would be a good idea to talk to a gender therapist or attend a PFLAG support group.

This conversation will rarely go the way you expect and you can never truly be prepared for it, but if you can clearly and confidently articulate these points you will be as ready as you can be.

Love, Hannah