Thursday, January 12, 2012

Every Girl Has Got to Get Out Sometime


Every girl needs to get out of the house sometimes, even when you’re not a girl 24/7. While going out isn’t the first step for a crossdresser or transwoman, it’s certainly a big one. Whether you’re going out on your own as a single girl or you’re heading out with your wife or partner, this can change how you feel about yourself. It can take more than a new tube of lipstick or a pair of heels to step outside your own front door and your comfort zone.

Practice makes perfect. Before you worry about dressing in public, get comfortable dressing in private, with or without your partner’s help. Figure out your bra size, learn to balance in heels and master the art of mascara. Get clothes that fit your frame and flatter your figure. Buy a wig you love and get the styling down pat. If you don’t have a best girlfriend to help you out, hit YouTube, fashion magazines and blogs. Feeling comfortable in your clothes and your skin will help give you the confidence you need to go out on the town.

If you’re single, you can head out when you feel ready, hopefully with the support of good friends. When you’re married or in a long-term relationship, this isn’t just your decision. You’re going to have to work this one out with your partner, and you may be ready long before she is or conversely, she may see it as no big deal and you’re a nervous wreck. Every relationship is different, but the two of you may want to come up with parameters for when you dress up, whether you go out alone or with her, and acceptable behavior when you’re dressed. These conversations will be a lot easier if there’s a basis of trust, particularly if you want to go out alone.

You may want to feel out the local environment alone or together. Check out the club scene and get to know some local girls, while you’re still wearing pants. If there’s not a trans-friendly club scene, maybe it’s time to schedule a mini-vacation to the nearest big city. Support groups with security and confidentiality agreements can help you get to know potential friends without risk or you can meet girls online. Having a girlfriend to show you the ropes on the first time out can make this nerve-wracking night downright fun. If you can, find a group that welcomes partners and consider planning a double date. Getting to know other couples, particularly couples who’ve been there and done that, can make the whole situation easier for both of you.

While no one’s advocating pressuring your partner, you can help her to feel safe and comfortable with your desires. She may not be ready for an average Saturday night at a night club, but might feel fine with you getting all dressed up on Halloween. Making your first trip out on Halloween can ease concerns about being seen and recognized and help both of you embrace a playful attitude toward what can be a pretty stressful night. Even in a small town or conservative environment, crossdressing is socially acceptable and not apt to raise any eyebrows for costume parties, Halloween pub crawls and similar activities.

If going out is still a no-go for your partner, even after you’ve done the support group thing, addressed the what-ifs and what-nots, you may be left with some hard and frankly, unfair, choices. The answer here depends on you and your priorities. There’s nothing wrong with deciding that you’re okay staying indoors and largely, in the closet. You may be willing to go out, without her acceptance or support and deal with the consequences. If you’re lucky, a bit more time and a few more conversations will let the two of you come to an agreement you can both live with and feel good about, whether that’s dressing whenever and wherever you please or finding a negotiated middle ground.

While we hate to even think about it, you do need to consider your personal safety. Violence against transwomen is a serious problem and a real risk. Simply put, you need to think like a girl to protect yourself. Use the buddy system. Take along your wife, a close friend, or any other warm body. There’s safety in numbers. Be aware of your surroundings and listen to your instincts. Even if you’re not totally out of the closet, make sure someone knows where you are. Think twice before you go home with someone, even if you’re single.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Sadness And Euphoria – A Special Holiday Message. A Blog by Cici Kitten for Suddenly Fem

Happy Holidays from Cici Kitten and the Staff
at Suddenly Fem !
I’ve been fucking up a lot lately. Okay that’s probably not the best way to start off a holiday greeting. But it’s the truth. I have really been fucking up lately! I’ve been late to meetings at work. I’ve been going out way too much as CiCi. I’ve been spending way too much money (never a good thing right before the holidays). I’ve been neglecting my friends and family. I’ve even been missing my blog deadlines here at Suddenly Fem! (Okay, that last one’s not so out of the ordinary… much to the ongoing frustration of my webmaster.) But the point is, this hasn’t been a real productive Fall.


There could be lots of reasons for my thoughtlessness. Partying a little too much. Staying out too late. Not getting enough sleep. Dealing with some personal problems. Dealing with some financial problems.
All of which are true. All of which are contributing factors – no doubt about it. But the real reason I’ve been fucking up will probably surprise you.

It’s because I’m too happy. Way too happy. Nearly on the verge of insanity happy.

It’s something that I call “tgirl euphoria” and it can strike at any time. A fun night out. A fun night in. A new pair of boots arrive in the mail. A new pair of boobs arrive in the mail. You post some great pix. You receive some great comments. Or you just plain look in the mirror – and see yourself all dolled up – and you think, “OMFG! I’m actually doing it. I’m actually being my true self!”

It’s a high like no other. Personally, I think it comes from repressing and suppressing our feminine selves for so many years. So when we finally do indulge. When we finally let our “girl” out – she tends to go a little crazy.

Tgirl euphoria is particularly strong among new girls. And that makes sense. They’ve just let their girl out and they’re experiencing everything for the first time. Do you remember? Are you maybe feeling it now? From the first time dressing head-to-toe to the first time buying your own clothes (rather than stealing from your wife or girlfriend) to the first time buying a special outfit (like a glammy dress, a fetishy corset, or a pair of killer sky high heels). OMG, there are so many firsts. The first time going out (maybe even just for a short drive), the first time going out to a club, the first time going out with friends! Not to mention the sexy stuff! The first time kissing as a girl, the first time dating as a girl, the first time… well, you get the idea.

Total Tgirl Euphoria!

But it can strike more experienced girls too! It’s happened to me. All it takes is a good experience… or even the anticipation of a good experience. And wham bam thank you tran – I’m right back in it.

Not too long ago some of my co-workers thought I was actually high at work! They know about CiCi and they know that CiCi likes to party, so they were worried that perhaps my partying had overflowed into my work hours! Not a chance. I may get carried away at times, but I’m not that irresponsible. But there I was at work. Laughing a little too hard at some joke. Giggling a little to myself. No wonder they thought I was high!

Of course, I was high. But I wasn’t high on drugs. I was high on femininity. I was high on girlishness. I was high on lipstick and perfume and earrings and nails. I was high on heels!

And like all highs, TGE comes with its own side effects. Loss of focus. Short attention span. Easily distracted. Overly happy. Overly positive. Overly optimistic. A little self-centered. A little more self-centered. A lot more self-centered! Talking too much about ourselves. Blogging too much about ourselves (guilty as charged!). Obsessing too much about ourselves. The truth is, while in the throes of Tgirl Euphoria, the only reason our friends can even stand us is that they’re so caught up in their own Tgirl Euphoria they don’t even notice how crazy and self-centered we’ve become!

There are times when it suddenly seems like our vanilla lives don’t matter. Like our jobs don’t matter. Our bank accounts or credit card bills don’t matter. Cleaning the house doesn’t matter, mowing the lawn doesn’t matter. Sending out birthday cards or holiday greetings or getting to work on time doesn’t matter.

It really is like being a drug addict. I’ve never done anything like heroin, but I’ve heard stories of junkies who watch all the clean people around them going about their day, and the junkies wonder… “What are they doing? Don’t they know what they’re missing? Don’t they see how empty their lives are? Don’t they see that none of that boring, normal shit matters?”

But the boring shit does matter. The job. The bank account. The birthdays. The family. The friends.

And if you’re not careful… it can all slip through your hands.

We talk a lot about the bad stuff that can happen to tgirls out in the world. The insults. The indignities. The violence. But we probably don’t talk enough about the harm we can do to ourselves. And I’m not talking about the big things like addiction and suicide that are all too common in our world. I’m talking about the little things we can do every day – sometimes unconsciously; sometimes under the spell of TGE – to hurt our friends, to hurt ourselves, to fuck up our lives. Through selfishness. Through thoughtlessness. Through a big mix up in priorities.

Fortunately, euphoria is only a temporary state. We all have to come down (and calm down) at some point to pay the bills and take out the garbage. The danger comes when the “come down” becomes a “crash.” And the crash can be as low as the euphoria is high.

We get carried away when we’re high. We think that now that we’ve accepted our feminine side, everything else in our lives is finally going to fall into place. (And you know what? In some rare cases, that can actually happen.) But for most of us, indulging our feminine side will only be a fun hobby. A pleasurable pastime. An amazing escape.

And it’s a great escape! But unfortunately, it’s not a cure for all that ails us. It won’t make our jobs less boring, our bosses less bossy, our bank accounts much bigger (unless of course you really work it, girlfriend!), or our wives and girlfriends more loving and agreeable.

Nope. For most of us, we’ll still be stuck in our same hum-drum lives with our same hum-drum problems. And that realization can be devastating. Depression sets in. Dark clouds hover. And we start to doubt why we ever let our sexy, flirty little genies out of their bottles in the first place. I mean, where did it get us?

Where indeed?

The title of this blog was inspired by an old Billy Joel song, called “Summer, Highland Falls.” Perhaps you know it:

“How thoughtlessly we dissipate our energies
Perhaps we don't fulfill each other's fantasies
And as we stand upon the ledges of our lives
With our respective similarities
It's either sadness or euphoria”


There’s no real cure for the sadness. Just as there’s no real cure for the euphoria. The best we can do in either case is to ride it out and try to keep a level head. My advice? Aim for somewhere in the middle. A place on solid ground. A place in balance. Where male and female, family guy and glamour girl can live peacefully in the same, sane body.

Oh, and if you can figure out how to do that, let me know. I’ll help you bottle it and we’ll both make millions.

So why on earth is this a holiday blog? All this talk of drugs and highs and depression? Well I guess it’s not. It’s more of a New Year’s resolution blog. Because in the coming year, I’m going to try not to let myself get so high (or so low). I’m going to try to keep a little more balance in my life. Try to stay a little more focused. Try to enjoy myself without getting too high. Try to weather the lows with a little more grace.

And through it all, I hope to never forget to hold dear all those things that are really important to me. My family. My friends. My writing. And, of course, this wonderful sisterhood, where we – through all the giddy highs and somber lows – are bound together by some pretty amazing and wonderful “respective similarities.”

Merry Christmas, everyone! Happy Holidays. And a very happy New Year!

Take care out there!
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy!

xoxo,

CiCi

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Coming out... By our new Writer, Cupcake. Stories about the transgendered life for Suddenly Fem

Our New Writer ! Intro and Bio: We would like to introduce you to Cupcake.  She is a GG (genetic girl) who has had extensive experience  in friendship as well as relationships with M2F transgendered.  She knows many people the  transgendered and alternative lifestyle world and has even participated in groups involving counseling for transgendered and their partners.  We hope you will be as excited and appreciative about her sharing  her past and present experiences, and some guidance  about relationships and how to navigate the sometimes complicated task of living  full or part time as transgendered.

Article: 
Carrying around a secret puts a strain on you, your relationship and your partner. Whether you're interested in bringing gender play into your bedroom or taking it out-and-about in public­, talking about it is essential. If you're questioning your own gender identity and struggling with gender issues, support, affirmation and openness can help both of you to manage this challenging time. Talking may not come easy, but not telling is certain to be harder for both of you. Keep in mind that your happiness matters to your partner and if this is what you need to be happy, bless your heart, you do need to share.

There are some obvious times not to bring this up for discussion. The dinner table at Thanksgiving when your in-laws are over (unless you'd really prefer them not to come back next year), your anniversary or while you're out to dinner at your favorite restaurant come to mind quickly. There are a few less obvious absolute don'ts. Don't bring this up in bed. Naked equals vulnerable and this is definitely a pants-on conversation. Choose a private time and a neutral place for these initial discussions. A quiet dinner at home, a relaxing Sunday afternoon or over a cup of coffee on the back porch are better choices for a conversation that may be accompanied by anger, tears or stress.

Before you spill the news, think about what you need to share. While you may not know all the answers, expect to be asked what this means for your relationship, your sexual orientation and your lives together. Keep in mind that you've likely been mulling this over for a while. Your partner hasn't. Sure, she's had suspicions, but they may be way off base from your reality. If she spotted lingerie receipts or evidence of lipstick, adultery likely came to mind instead of crossdressing. Hey, she might be pleased with the alternative. Regardless of what she thought was going on, this is new information and may take some time to absorb and accept it before she can embrace helping you learn to walk in heels or shopping for falsies.

This isn't the time to hold back and you have to be prepared to 'fess up to anything and everything. If you've cheated, you're going to have to come clean for both your sakes. Your partner has a right to honest information about anything that might cause health concerns. While many partners can accept gender play, crossdressing or even an eventual gender transition, handling dishonesty and adultery is much harder. If you're looking at coming back after infidelity, marriage counseling may be a help. Shop around for a kink-friendly therapist to avoid any backlash related to crossdressing or transgender issues. This probably isn't the time to visit your minister for marital counseling.

If you've confided an interest that is largely confined to the bedroom or fetish parties, you may find your partner takes this in stride, particularly if she's usually, as Dan Savage says, “good, giving and game” or the two of you have experimented with kink before. Together, you can integrate dressing up into your time together in a playful and intimate way. For some couples, crossdressing adds shopping trips and make-up lessons to the relationship, but doesn't fundamentally change it.

A desire to dress and present in a feminine way in public or to transition and live as female full-time may be a bit harder for your partner to swallow. While she might handle things well if they're kept private, accepting a public transition can be much more challenging. Plan and talk through your first public outings together, perhaps planning them for out-of-town trips to allow you both to be more comfortable. If you're considering transitioning, a qualified and queer-friendly therapist is essential. Your partner may also want to look into support groups for partners of transfolk or a trans support group that integrates partners.

Realize that this conversation may not be over, even if you're feeling done. The two of you may need to negotiate dressing up, boundaries and the parameters that make your relationship work. While you need support through these changes, so too does your partner. If you can offer reassurance and continue to build upon the stable and loving foundation of your relationship, the two of you will weather this bump in your relationship as if it wasn't more than a slight smear in your lipstick.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Beginning of the End - By Cici Kitten. Blog for Suddenly Fem - Crossdresser.com


I’ve been meeting a lot of new girls lately.  Here online. Out at clubs.  Maybe because of this blog. Or maybe because of the fact that I spend way too much time online, and post photos of myself on every available website known to man -- but I tend to hear from new girls a lot.  Some are just starting to dress.  Some are considering going out for the first time.  Some have been out once or twice.  But they all have questions.  Lots of them!  Just like I used to have.  So I try to help – just as the more experienced girls helped me when I was starting out.  It meant the world to me then.  I mean, it literally changed my life. 

I still contend that I’m not an expert.  (My friends tease me because I still apply my makeup with my fingers!  Some day I’ll learn how to use those amazing new devices they call -- brushes!)  So I still have a lot to learn myself.  But after five years of being out and about in LA’s active scene, I hope I’ve learned a few things.

So I do my best to help them.  But I wonder if they know how much they help me.  I get such a charge out of the new girls – particularly the girls I meet out in clubs.  You can practically feel the electricity in the air around them.  The excitement.  The nervousness.  The combustible combination of both excitement and nerves! If I spend a few minutes with a new girl, it all comes back to me.  The memories of how scared I was.  How nervous I was.  But also… how determined I was.  Because let’s face it, no typical male in typical American society straps on a pair of high heeled pumps, slithers into a skintight mini, and heads off into the night without a certain amount of courage… and a whole lot of determination!

I especially remember the relief I felt once I was at one of LA’s tgirl clubs.  I’m always a little tense out in the world.  But inside one of those clubs… you feel the sisterhood… you feel the music… you feel the drinks(!), and you start to relax.  These clubs were the only places where I could be out in public and feel accepted.  The only places where I could truly be myself.  And that’s when that TGE sets in… T-Girl Euphoria!  That amazing high you get from being dressed up, glammed up, worked up – and just plain fed up with trying to be normal.  It’s that moment when you feel the “girl” in you come to the surface.  When she takes over your body and soul.  When you finally feel free.

For all of us former closet cases, it’s a feeling like no other.  And it’s particularly strong in newbies – the girls who are experiencing it for the first time.  It’s intoxicating.  And it always makes me smile.  (Unless of course the newbie is a skinny little, pretty little, cute-as-hell 20-something, in which case I usually respond in an embarrassing fit of jealous rage and green-eyed envy.)

Just teasing. 

But all those exciting beginnings ironically bring me to my next point:  Endings.  I have a lot of friends in their 40’s and 50’s – and the topic comes up from time-to-time.  When am I going to “retire”?  When am I going to call it quits?  When am I going to hang up the heels for good?

For me, … even though I’m now looking at my 40’s in the rear view mirror,.. I still feel like I’m just getting started.  So I’m not thinking about “retirement” at all.  But I have to tell you, some of my friends feel differently.

Now, to be quite honest, my friends and I are not on the TS path.  We aren’t looking to transition.  We have no intention of living 24/7 – and we never did.  For the most part, most of my friends are what I would call “party girls.”  We go to the clubs, the fetish events, the tgirl parties – but, for the most part, we don’t get involved in heavy relationships or political lobbying or any of the more serious aspects of tg life.  This is more of a hobby for us.  We like to dress up, go out on Saturday nights, dance our asses off, and hope that we can somehow drag our sorry butts back into work on Monday morning.

We’re also – if we’re completely honest – a little bit superficial.  And I mean that in the best way possible -- if there is a “best way” to be superficial.  But what I mean is that we try very hard to look good.  To maybe turn a few heads when we enter a room.
Certainly not the most noble motivation in the world.  But that’s who we are – fun, sexy, superficial girls.  And, for what it’s worth, damn proud of it.

(To be honest, I’m selling myself and my friends way short by calling us superficial.  The truth is, most of these girls, as men, have professional careers, active lives, and are wonderful husbands and fathers.  Most of them are extremely thoughtful about everything they do – including their dressing. All I’m saying is that in our approach to our T-life, we’re really just hobbyists.  We’re in it for the fun and the thrill of dressing up and feeling girlie for a few hours.)

So like I was saying… we like to turn a few heads. But the question is… what happens when the heads stop turning?  When we no longer get all of those sweet compliments on our profile pix?  What happens when the focus really does go to the hot little 20-somethings I mentioned above? 

And it’s not like this problem is specific to tgirls.  GG’s have been going through this same, depressing aging process for years.  In a way, I guess this is the downside of the life we’ve always craved… the girlie life.  And as any real “girlie” knows – it’s hell to get old!

So what will we do?  Give it all up?  Cling desperately to our youth?  Or gracefully allow ourselves to mature and pour our energies into some of the other aspects of tg life?  (I imagine that there are other aspects of tg life – apart from trying to look hot.  It’s just that, as a superficial girl, I have no idea what those aspects might be.)

But perhaps I should look into a few of them.

I guess what my friends will do is what they’ve always done… they’ll be themselves.  And that will lead them down whatever path makes the most sense for them.  We all got into this for different reasons… and with different motivations… so I guess, in a way, it’s only fitting that we exit the same way.

As for me, after a lifetime of gender-related frustration followed by five or six years of pretty intense CiCi-ness, I don’t think I could ever just walk away.  Even in sensible shoes. 

I just think that eventually my life will have to change.  And at that point, I can either leave the scene or find a new role.  Helping new girls. Getting involved in event planning or may be even doing some of the (horror of horrors) tgirl political stuff I’ve always avoided.  I mean, after all that this life has given to me, I really would like to give back at some point. 

So what do you think the cut off date is?  When is it time for girls of a certain age to stop going to clubs, stop trying to shout above the music, and, literally, evacuate the dance floor? 

I guess like everything else in this crazy, complicated, make-it-up-as-you-go-along world, it’s an individual decision.  It’s a feeling that just comes over you.  Like any other Saturday night.  You look around, you finish your drink, you glance at the clock, and you just know… it’s time to leave the party.

Take care out there!

Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy.
Xoxo,
CiCi

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Phantom Pain - A Suddenly Fem Blog for Crossdressing Tgirls

There are stories told about amputees. Guys who have lost a leg. And the stories go that sometimes they can still feel aches there. Or they’ll reach to scratch an itch. And the leg has been gone for years. It’s phantom pain. Pains connected with something that’s no longer there.


I have pains like that. Not for any particular body part. (I’m still working with all of my original equipment.) But for my life and for my relationships. For things left undone or incomplete. For dreams unrealized. For friends and family I’m no longer close with.

Most tgirls will tell you that once they started following their feminine passions, they became much happier. More fulfilled. More content. And I’m definitely one of those girls. My emotional state has done a complete 180 degree turn in the past four or five years. Just when I was beginning to settle into the depths of a classic midlife depression, my feminine side woke up, kicked me in the ass (with a pair of fire engine red thigh high boots), and totally re-invigorated what had become a pretty stagnant life.

And I couldn’t be happier. I still have no idea where this is all leading. But I couldn’t be happier.

That doesn’t mean there haven’t been sacrifices. Regrets. Conflicted feelings. Nothing is ever absolute in this world. Nothing’s ever perfect. And every time we choose one thing – no matter how positive and correct that decision is – we also choose not to do about a billion other things.

I live 3000 miles away from most of my family, so I don’t get to see them very often. They know nothing of CiCi and I’m not certain when, if ever, I will tell them. But I do get to keep in touch with them – mostly through Facebook. So I know a little bit about their lives. And those lives couldn’t be more different than mine.

Whether I’m willing to admit it or not, I live a pretty alternative lifestyle. I’m gay (or bi), I’m obviously transgendered, and I spend a lot of time in dark, edgy bars that most of my brothers back East would never be caught dead in. I could be wrong of course, but I don’t think any of my close family members or old friends have ever spent much time in a dungeon. And I often wonder what they would think if they knew that I have.

The lives I see through the magic of Facebook, are not that different from the life I lived when I grew up. The life I would be living if I had stayed back East. I know that my feminine urges are strong, but if I’d stayed back East I’m sure I wouldn’t have gotten the encouragement or felt the freedom to really connect with my feminine side. I’m pretty sure that I would have gotten married, had some kids, and raised a family. I probably would have bought a house in some suburban town, and I would have taken my kids to soccer practice or ballet recitals – just as my parents did for us. Just as my brothers now do for their kids.

There are a lot of people who live alternative lifestyles because they never bought into the American dream. They never wanted the big house in the nice neighborhood with the white picket fence, two cars in the garage, and 2.5 children to raise. Many in the alternative crowd grew up in that world, found it stifling, and now they want no part of it. They are the alternative crowd precisely because that’s what they wanted… an alternative to the mainstream.

And then there’s people like me. People who embraced mainstream ideals. People who dreamed the American dream. People who wanted that dream so bad they could taste it. But they just couldn’t reach it. And they could never figure out why it never worked for them. No matter how hard they tried.

I’ve worked really hard. But I’ve never climbed the corporate ladder. People love my work. I always get great annual reviews. But I never seem to get any raises or promotions. I’m never seen as “management material.” I bought a house, but I lost it. I got married, but we’re now separated. I couldn’t have children of my own (thanks, chemotherapy!!), but I did help raise a stepson. Unfortunately, we spent most of his formative years in total disagreement with each other. So the family bond that most people feel with their kids just isn’t there for me. (From his point of view, I was an interloper, an unwanted intruder, and quite literally, a motherfucker. Certainly not the best base for a good relationship.)

The funny thing is, when I look at those things I’ve just listed. Career. House. Wife. Family. Those weren’t my big dreams. Those were my minimums! I just assumed I’d have all of those. Most of my dreams and fantasies were focused on bigger things. Not just having a career, but being really successful at it. Not just having one house, but maybe having two. You know, a main house and a summer home. Even a small cabin. That would have been nice. That’s what I was concentrating on. Big stuff. And, as you might expect, while I was doing that, a lot of the “smaller” things slipped away.

Now you’re probably wondering what all of this has to do with my trans nature. And I’m honestly not sure. But I have to believe it played a role some how. I’ve spoken about this before, but while I was not able or ready to embrace my feminine side when I was younger, I was aware that something was off. That something didn’t quite fit. And while that’s certainly a surmountable condition when it comes to building a career or raising a family (many of my tv/cd friends have done it), it also doesn’t help. Most successful people are confident. Sure of themselves. Comfortable in their own skin. And I was none of those things.

I think I’ve written about this before. But to me, it’s as though I’ve been driving and I’ve suddenly hit a patch of black ice. I didn’t see it coming. I was being careful. And yet here I am, sliding helplessly across the ice. As I slide, I can see where I wanted to go. Where I expected to go. But I’m headed in the other direction now. Slipping further and further from the original path.

I can still see the other path. It looks a lot like the life I lived as a child. The life my parents worked so hard to achieve. I see it on the Facebook pages of my friends and family back East. Their postings about weddings and graduations and births. Of soccer tournaments won and academic awards received. Of cool trips to historic landmarks or exotic lands.

Some of you are probably already yawning. But I really wanted that stuff! I guess I could respond in kind and make my own boastful, braggy Facebook posts about my life. But all of my achievements in the past few years have been trans related. And the only trips I’ve taken have been to tgirl parties or fetish events. Not exactly the kind of stuff I want to share with Aunt Doris. And certainly not the kind of stuff that’s going to impress the old high school friends or college buddies.

Maybe some day I’ll be ready to share this side of me. But until then I’ll just be an observer on my vanilla Facebook page. I’ll watch vicariously as my friends and brothers go about living the life that I was supposed to live. And I’ll try to be happy for them.

Now, at this point, a lot of you are probably thinking, “WTF!! What’s with this girl? All she’d doing is whining about what she doesn’t have… feeling sorry for herself when she’s made it perfectly clear that she’s very happy with all that her tv life has brought her!”

And you’re absolutely right. That’s all I’m doing… whining. Feeling sorry for myself. Like most of us, I want it all. In one of his songs, the aptly named, “Beautiful Loser,” Bob Seeger said, “She wants her home and security. She wants to live like a sailor at sea.” And that’s the way I want it. The mainstream and the alternative. The safe home and the life of adventure. But of course, you can’t have both. At least most of us mere mortals can’t have both. (Most of us mere mortals can barely have one!)

I recently moved out of my house into a place that had a room for rent. It’s a small house and a small room, but it has a really nice pool out back. One of the things that I particularly like about the pool is that it’s totally private. The original owner built a big wall around the pool, and because there are no two-story buildings nearby, no one can see inside. That means that I can sunbathe naked or in a bikini… and I never have to worry about anyone seeing me. Sweet! It’s a great perk. And one that I never expected to find – especially at the monthly rate I’m paying.

But here’s the interesting thing. On the other side of the wall is a park. So as I lay on my lounge chair soaking up rays and getting those cool bikini tan lines, I can hear the sounds of kids and families on the other side of the wall. The family barbecues, the soccer and wiffle ball games, the shrieks and cries of delight, and the sobbing when some poor kid gets hurt. And once again, there it is. The life I expected to live. Right there on the other side of that wall. Literally just a few feet away from me. Most of the families who use the park are Latino, so I don’t understand most of what is being said. And yet I can picture it perfectly. The fun dads, the doting moms, the slightly inebriated uncles, and the squabbling kids fighting over whose turn it is to bat next or kick next or eat next.

So I lay there in the sun, my head filling once again with those regrets. Those phantom pains. And I wish for the close family I never had. I wish for the successful career I never achieved. I wish for the “normal” life I never experienced.

But you know what? In spite of all those regrets, do you know what I wish for more than anything? I wish my old high school buddies could see how hot I look in this bikini!

Maybe I made the right choice after all.

Take care out there!

Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy!

xoxo,

CiCi



Tuesday, September 20, 2011

You Might Be A TGirl (Parts I and II)

Why do we love lists? I have no idea why I’m drawn to them. Online, on television, in some old magazine in the dentist’s office. Best cities in the world. Worst cities in the world. Even if the topic is nothing I care about – “Top Ten Muscle Cars Introduced Before 1975!” – I’m still drawn in. (I’m tempted here to list my Top Ten reasons that I love lists, but I’ll resist.)


And why on earth do I like Jeff Foxworthy? He probably wouldn’t make my own Top Ten list of favorite comedians. But every time I catch a bit of his act on cable, I find myself laughing. A guilty pleasure I guess. Maybe it’s because I know so many people with a little bit (or a lot!) of redneck in them. Or maybe it’s because deep down in my heart, I know I’ve got a little bit (or a lot!) of redneck in me.

So with my apologies to those who are tired of lists. And with big apologies to Jeff Foxworthy for appropriating his routine, here are a couple of my lists…

Part I
1. If you think that clothing styles designed for a 16 year old girl look absolutely fabulous on a 52 year old man, you might be a t-girl.

2. If you’ve ever spent 3 hours getting dressed up and putting makeup for men on just to take a 3 minute drive around the block, you might be a tgirl.

3. If you were the last person on your street to still own and operate a Polaroid camera, you might be a cross dresser.

4. If, after 6 years of trying, you still can’t properly apply false eyelashes, you might be a tgirl.

5. If you set out every night to look like Kelly Bundy, but always wind up looking more like Peg Bundy (and you’re really relieved that you don’t look like Al Bundy), you might be a tgirl.

6. If you’ve ever duct taped your naughty parts, you might be a tgirl.

7. If you’re walking like a man, hitting like a hammer, tasty like a raindrop… you might be a cross dresser. (And, baby, you’ve got the look!)

8. If the classic rock station on your personal Pandora inexplicably contains cuts by Pink, Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus, you might be a tgirl. (“Heyyyyyy-eyyy-eyyyy! It’s a party in the USA!”)

9. If curators from the Smithsonian are calling you for advice on the storage of large quantities of digital photographs, you might be a tgirl.

10. Too much make-up? Not enough dresses for men? You might be a t-girl.

Part II
1. If your daughter-in-law now forbids you to see your grandchildren (even though a month ago you were their favorite Pop Pop), you might be a tgirl.

2. If you’ve ever been fired from your job due to trace amounts of nail polish found on your pinkie finger, you might be a tgirl.

3. If, as a child, you were forbidden to wear the clothes you liked best because, as your Dad said, “No son of mine is going to act like some fruit,” you might be a tgirl.

4. If, in most states, you can’t legally marry the person you love most – no matter how much you want to wear that pretty white gown -- you might be a tgirl.

5. If the kids at your school are now using the power of the internet and social media to harass and bully you 24 hours a day to the point that you’re seriously considering suicide, you might be tgirl.

6. If you’re continually excluded from legislation designed to support other disenfranchised populations such as gays and lesbians, you might be a crossdresser.

7. If you’ve ever been shot and killed by your eighth grade classmate because you asked him to be your Valentine, you might be a tgirl.

8. If onlookers have ever failed to come to your rescue while you were being savagely beaten in a public place, like say… a McDonald’s, you might be a tgirl.

9. If law enforcement officials have commented on the attacks visited upon you and your friends as significantly more vicious than the typical hate crime, you might be a tgirl.

10. If you’ve read this entire post, and yet, nothing’s going to stop you from slipping into a hot new pair of stilettos for men and dancing your ass off this weekend… you’re definitely a tgirl.


Take care out there!
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy!

xoxo,
CiCi

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

What Have You Done Lately?

Brianna Austin has been a writer/ reporter/ columnist in the transgender community since 2000. She is witty, charasmatic, honest and quite the woman. She has allowed SuddenlyFem to post some of her personal blogs to do what we always try to do here, get involoved in the crossdressing and transgender community, keep you informed and get you thinking!

 
Transgender Warriors Paved The Way So That You Could Go Out on Saturday nights. How Can You Contribute to Advancing Tolerance?


Within every community there are those that find a cause, injustice or revolution for which they can embrace and become passionate. As a community the gay rights movement demonstrates the power of unified concerns and the tenacity of a common goal. Victor Hugo said it best: "There is nothing as powerful as an idea whose time has come." It seems of late that the transgender movement's time has come.


Most of us are old enough to have lived through the civil and gay rights movements, feminism and the sexual revolution. Nowadays you see the term and the images of transgender everywhere - in the news, in feature films and on television sitcoms. But in recent years the perception of transgender people by the mainstream seems to have shifted just a bit, and we are portrayed as someone's brother, cousin or father - in other words we are just regular people with a slightly different lifestyle.


In the larger metropolitan cities around the world we have become familiar, even if we are in some cases not totally accepted, yet that is something that many of us take for granted. Our ability to step out in the light of day was paved by transgender warriors before us, who refused to be less than who they were. And it was that fearless and unrelentless commitment that makes your Saturday night romps possible. They risked losing friends, family, careers, and enduring arrest, mental and/or physical abuse and being socially exiled.


In every movement there are those that put themselves out there as beacon's of light, in many different ways, to guide those in the shadows and that is still true today. But the real question is WHAT HAVE YOU DONE LATELY? Isn't this part of your community too, isn't this part of who you are? Believe it or not it does not take much to make a difference. Some say, "I can't be in the spotlight - I have to much to lose". So they attend the local events to "get" what they need and call it a day.


Rose Royale stood before a packed house at the first annual Qwe're Music Fest this summer in NYC in 2002 and in her soft spoken way challenged the gay, lesbian, trans-variant and transgender community to be inclusive and respectful of one another.
I realized at that moment that everyone could contribute in a powerful way. You don't have to be a political activist, columnist, performer, celebrity or necessarily visible at all to make a difference - all you have to do is care. "I help out when I can" Rose said to me in a recent interview. Rose, who refers to herself as part drag-queen and part transgender, told me that "if I help one person it makes it all worth while".


So what can you do? Below is a short list.

If you have any other suggestions please leave a comment below.

1. Respect One Another - Our different opinions, perspectives, and experiences make us rich. Engage in ideas not debate
2. Be A Postive Light - Simply be kind to the person next to you.
3. Be Proud - of who you are and be of good nature when around those in and outside the community.
4. Educate - the Ignorant and Misinformed. Rose says "I can't live angry, some people really don't understand". Don't respond with anger, take just a moment to educate if the person is willing to listen.
5. Be A Mentor - Provide advice, experience, friendship, or support to someone just coming out.
6. Support Our Allies - The event promoters, performers, publications, foundations, and retailers provide the creative energy and dollars to expand our universe - support their efforts so they can continue their work.
7. Spread The Word - If you see, read, hear or experience something that moves you, tell a friend - or two, or three.


We are a melting pot of society who outwardly expresses ourselves more openly than most of the mainstream. We can make of this community, our community, and the way it is perceived by the mainstream, whatever we as a group, are willing to visualize.


Be Victorious Where You Stand - Make a difference.

Read more about and from Brianna at her website: http://briannaaustin.com/

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

This Is For All the Lonely People

Some of my friends have been feeling pretty lonely lately. So this is goes out to them.


We’ve all been there!

I heard that Dan Peek died the other day. Now, I have to be honest, I had no idea who Dan Peek was. But he was one of the members of the folk rock group, America. I liked their music, but I was never really a big fan. I don’t own any of their albums and I never saw them “live.” But if you grew up in the 70’s as I did, then the music of America was part of the AM radio soundtrack of your life.

I knew the songs, but I knew none of the players until Peek passed away. I probably wouldn’t have even finished reading his obit, until I came upon the fact that he had written the song, “Lonely People.” “Lonely People” was a hit song for America – but it doesn’t seem to have had the staying power of some of their other songs like “Ventura Highway” or “A Horse with No Name.”

But it sure meant a lot to me.

“Lonely People” did reach the Top Ten back in 1975. That was the year that I was 14 years old and a freshman in high school. Those were pretty interesting times for me. I’d always been a fairly popular kid in elementary school. But something went off track in junior high. All of a sudden all of the boys – who had previously hated girls – were now interested in them. Very interested. I was great at kickball and dodge ball and hide-and-go-seek. But when it came to girls, I was lost. The whole dating/flirting scene in junior high caught me completely off guard. And I was totally overwhelmed by it.

It seemed that everything I did was wrong. Or, at the very least, awkward. I was quiet when I should have spoken up. I spoke up when I should have held my tongue. I was bold when I should have hung back. And I hung back when I should have gone for it. I knew all the rules and strategies to kickball. But when it came to girls, it seemed like there were no rules. And I was completely oblivious to any strategy.

By the time I reached high school and my freshman year, I was paralyzed. Literally. I was so afraid that I might do or say the wrong thing, that I just didn’t do anything. I stopped trying. In kickball terms, I took myself out of the game and I sat myself on the bench.

Ironically, to most people, it probably seemed that I did okay in high school. I got good grades. I did well in sports. It was just in social situations that I froze up. On one occasion, I remember literally running away from a situation where I knew I was going to have to talk to a girl. All of that sports training came in handy. I ran really fast.
So while others may remember me as a pretty normal kid, I remember myself as a kid who was dying inside. A bundle of nerves. Petrified. I spent a lot of time surrounded by friends, and yet, I remember feeling very alone… and lonely.

And that’s where Dan Peek comes in. Or, at least, that’s where Dan Peek’s song comes in:

“This is for all the lonely people
Thinking that life has passed them by.
Don’t give up until you drink from the silver cup.
You never know until you try.”

Now if you’re expecting me to now write about how I heard that song and it changed my life and I began to exude a confidence and a charisma that transformed me into a regular high school Romeo, well that’s not my story. I didn’t transform. I pretty much left high school the same way I went in. Awkward. Shy. Confused. And Lonely.
But that doesn’t mean that the song didn’t help. It let me know that even though I was lonely, I wasn’t alone. That there were others like me. (And yes, even at age 14, I was already strangely feeling as though life had passed me by!)

Fortunately, I started to gain more confidence when I got to college. And when CiCi finally came around as I was turning 40 (talk about feeling as though life had passed me by!) -- my confidence really started to blossom. CiCi basically helped me to feel comfortable in my own skin – where I had once felt awkward. She helped me to speak my mind – where I once felt shy. And she somehow helped me to feel comfortable around both men and women – the same way I felt in the pre-adolescent days of my kickball youth.

So that has me wondering. Where CiCi was when I was in junior high? Or high school? Where was she hiding? Was she deep inside me? Repressed? Suppressed? And, if so, then what kind of effect did she have on me during those years? Did I already know on some level that I was gay? (I was a pretty naïve kid. I knew nothing about heterosexual sex back then. Forget about homosexual sex. I honestly don’t think I knew what “gay” really meant.)

And transgender feelings? I know I had them. Fleeting thoughts. Exciting visions. Like the other young boys I liked to look at the cute junior high school girls in their trendy fashions. It’s just that now, looking back, I realize that the other boys wanted to date those girls, while I wanted to be one of those girls. (A pretty big difference.)
Now, I have to be honest. I was talking with a few good friends of mine in the tgirl scene about our developing years. And one of my friends basically called me out. “Everyone felt awkward in junior high,” she said – maintaining that my problems weren’t caused by my transgendered nature – they were caused by my human nature. And that every kid goes through an awkward stage. Heck, many of them never grow out of them!

On some level, I suppose she was right. There aren’t too many adults running around wishing that they were 13 or 14 again. Sixteen maybe. Eighteen definitely. But not thirteen. Thirteen was tough for everyone. Transgendered or not.

So I guess I could be wrong. But I still think there was something more going on with me. More than just typical adolescent angst. It could have been a lot of things. But in my heart of hearts, I think that the prospect of facing romantic or even sexual encounters just felt wrong to me. Not because I was too young. Or too naïve. (And I was both of those.) It was like I was playing kickball again, but I didn’t know which team I was supposed to be playing for. I didn’t know who I was supposed to be rooting for.

As I write this, 36 years after “Lonely People” hit the Top Ten, I find myself in touch with tgirls all over the world. Thanks to the internet, we have an online community that would have been impossible in the 1970’s. And yet, as I chat with many of the girls, I can see that one thing from those days hasn’t changed – despite worldwide connectivity – a lot of us are still lonely.

It’s kind of ironic. A few years ago I wrote a blog called “High School 2.0.” In that blog I wrote about the parallels I saw between tgirl life and high school life. The cliques. The focus on fashion. The excitement of flirting and new romance. But when I wrote that, I don’t think I mentioned the loneliness (one of the most prevailing themes of high school life). And I must say, if you thought loneliness was bad at age 13 or 14, let me warn you. It isn’t any easier at 46. Or 53. Or 62.

Many of the girls that I have befriended – both in person and online – are older entries into the tgirl life. In other words, like me, they didn’t accept or embrace their feminine side until later in life – their late 30’s or early 40’s. Or for some, even later. And while that acceptance has been, for the most part, a positive step. It’s not without its dilemmas and difficulties. Wives or families who don’t understand. Confused sexual feelings. Mind-blowing shake-ups in our personal sense of self.

And loneliness. Once again feeling as though no one understands. Or cares. Or wants to get close to us crossdressers. And btw… just because you’re having a lot of sex, and touching a lot of people, that doesn’t mean you’re actually getting close to them. Or allowing them to get close to you. (Just ask any teenager.)

So what are we all to do, all of us lonely people? And what if there is no cure? What if loneliness is as much a part of middle age as it was a part of adolescence? There’s a scary thought for you.

When I was a kid I used to ponder that one line: “Don’t give up until you drink from the silver cup.” And I always wondered what that meant. I always wondered what was in the cup.

For Dan, the songwriter, I get the feeling it was his faith. Dan Peek left America at the height of their fame in the late 1970’s. He was apparently having trouble justifying the rock-and-roll lifestyle with his developing faith. And he went on to become one of the leaders of the Christian music scene. As I understand it, he even recorded a Christian version of “Lonely People.”

Now I’m not a religious person but I have to hand it to Dan. He found something that would sustain him – even in the darkest of days. And he had the courage to claim it. To own it. And he gave up a lot of fame and money in order to fully embrace it.

Dan Peek’s silver cup was full of faith. I wonder what mine is full of? And I wonder what’s in yours.

Please don’t give up until you find out.


Take care out there.
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy.

xoxo,
CiCi

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Styling and Caring for your Wig...Tips and Tricks!

With our Summer Clearance upon us—ending in one month to the day!—I wanted to focus on wig care because our wigs are now at the lowest prices we’ve ever offered! It is extremely important to properly care for your wigs if you want to get the most wear possible. Our large cap wigs for men are made of premium hair fibers and actually very easy to maintain! My crossdressing customers typically ask the following:


How often should I wash a wig?
Typically, a wig should be washed about every 6 to 8 wearings - but this is also a personal decision. You should consider washing the wig if the style begins to lose its luster, becomes more difficult to style or feels less fresh than when first wearing it. If you are particularly active, then clean the wig at least once a week to remove dirt and perspiration.

How do I clean my large cap wig?
First you want to comb gently to remove tangles, then turn it inside out. Add a capful of specifically formulated wig shampoo to cold water, and soak the wig for about five minutes. Swirl gently without rubbing the wig (very important)! Rinse thoroughly in clean water. Blot with a towel to remove excess water. *While wig is still wet do not rub, wring, twist, brush or comb the wig. Turn the wig right side out again and place directly on wig drying stand. I recommend spritzing the wig thoroughly with specifically formulated wig conditioner (do not rinse out). Air dry at room temperature (and out of direct sunlight). Never use heat on a synthetic wig in an attempt to dry the wig faster!

How do I get it back to my original style or maybe even a new one?
Simply shake the wig out to "wake" the style again. Then brush or comb wig into desired look. Do not brush a curly synthetic wig - finger style or use a pick comb instead. You can spray to hold your wig in place, however, if you do overspray it you will have to wash more often because certain hairsprays will flake and look a bit like dandruff.


How can I keep my transgender wig fresher longer?
Only use professional hair products designed for wigs, like shampoo and conditioner which have been specifically formulated for this purpose. Avoid using standard hair brushes, which can overstretch and damage the wig. When brushing the wig, start at the ends and work gradually toward the root. At the end of each day, spritz with spray-on conditioner to maintain luster and manageability, and remove tangles.


Choosing the correct wig style for men to properly frame your face and achieve the look you desire can be hard with the large selection that is available at our crossdressing super store. Color choice can also be a bit difficult. If you ever find yourself needing assistance do not hesitate to call Danielle at our customer service number 215-881-9740 or e-mail at bvp5000@aol.com.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The Problem Is Me

There’s been a lot of political talk lately about the status of transgenders. There have been victories – the state of New York approved gay marriage (which is sure to affect many TV/CD/TG girls), and the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) was recently held up in order to make it transgender-inclusive.
Yet, it still bothers people that the transgender community hasn’t made more headway in both political and social circles. We just observed the 42nd anniversary of the Stonewall Riots in NYC. Those riots were a flashpoint for the gay community – and since that event, gays and lesbians have made great strides in society as a whole. But what about us? What about transgendered folks? How much progress have we made?

The great irony here is that Stonewall and many of the other early gay rights protests were started by transgenders or occurred at clubs where TG persons where known to hang out.

So what exactly is the problem? Obviously, there’s no one problem. Like all societal issues, this is a complicated matter with a variety of forces working for us and against us. But it seems to me that the key problem is a simple one. An obvious one:

Visibility.

Gays and lesbians struggled with this same problem years ago. But little by little they became more visible. They literally came out. They launched a movement from Stonewall and they haven’t stopped since. And there have been setbacks. Huge setbacks. I remember when AIDS was first called, GRID (Gay Related Immune Deficiency). AIDS caused a backlash among conservatives and the religious right who saw the disease as God’s retribution for an immoral lifestyle. This caused a lot of stress and distress in the community (particularly among gays who considered themselves religious). But at the same time, the backlash only seemed to strengthen the movement’s resolve. Having a very loud (and often obnoxious) adversary seemed to fire up the gays and lesbians even more. “We’re here. We’re queer. Get used to it!”

The result? By the time AIDS had been in the national consciousness for ten or fifteen years (and beloved basketball star Magic Johnson had admitted that he had AIDS), homosexuals were coming out in droves. Even celebrities. Even politicians. People who once thought they had a lot to lose by being gay now saw power in personal honesty. In truthfulness. In a confident sense of self.

The media – always a strong indicator of society’s acceptance (sometimes by leading, sometimes by following) – was now peopled with gay figures. Tom Hanks won an Oscar for his role in “Philadelphia.” Ellen Degeneres’ first onscreen lesbian kiss was a ratings bonanza. And Elton John’s Academy Awards Night Party became one of the premier events of Hollywood’s most glamorous night.

Television shows from the more comic (“Will and Grace,” “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”) to the more serious (“The L Word,” “Queer as Folk”) became successes. New Hampshire ordained a gay bishop.

The transgender community also made great strides – although in much more modest circles. RuPaul (a cult favorite in the 90’s) became a verifiable media franchise in the new millennium. Movies from “Girls Don’t Cry” and “Transamerica” to “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert” became hits, if not blockbusters. And the staged version of “Priscilla” is now doing well on Broadway. Candis Cayne appeared in the short lived television series, “Dirty, Sexy, Money,” and Chastity Bono (quite publically) has transitioned from a woman to a man.

All very positive signs. And yet, there hasn’t been a corresponding movement among the general public. At least, it doesn’t seem to me that there has.

Now, as an active member of the TV/CD community these past five years, I have seen many of my friends in the community come out, or begin living 24/7, or begin physically transitioning. But, my point is, if I wasn’t in this community, I would know very few openly transgendered people. As a comparison, I work at a fairly large (and fairly liberal) four-year university. We have a staff of thousands, and yet in the five years that I’ve worked there, I’ve met only one openly TG girl on staff. (She was only a part-time worker, and she didn’t last long.) On the other hand, there are many openly gay and lesbian staff members in nearly every division of our school.

In other words, we still have a long way to go. And I can already hear the many reasons and excuses for this situation. Many of them quite valid. By coming out, a tg man or woman risks their job, their marriage, their visitation rights to their children -- not to mention risking being ostracized from their friends and family and from society as a whole.

But the sad truth is… our gay brothers and lesbian sisters faced those very same risks. And they still face those same risks today in the form of family pressures, religious teachings, prejudice on the job, and simple small town backward thinking.

But they still keep coming out. So what’s our excuse?

Drag queens have always been out – and thanks to TV shows like “RuPaul’s Drag Race” and “Trantasia” – they are perhaps more visible than ever. Some will argue that drag queens really belong more properly in the gay category (if you’re into categorizing your TG sisters), while others insist that drag performers perpetuate old flamboyant stereotypes of the TG lifestyle. But you know what? Drag queens still provide our most visible and our most public connection to mainstream society.

Transsexuals are pretty much out by definition. These are individuals who have physically transformed themselves (usually through surgical means) into the gender of their own choosing and now live 24/7 that way. But while very visible, many TS girls prefer to blend into society, and many go to great lengths to hide their male pasts. This is their choice, of course. Not everyone is Chastity Bono. Not everyone is comfortable in the public eye. And most importantly, many of these individuals – male and female – have survived a lifetime full of shame, and fear, and pain – both physical and emotional. And if they want to leave that past far behind them, who can blame them? So they are out. And in full public view. Yet ironically, they are often not “visible” members of the TG community.

So who does that leave?
Well, unfortunately, that leaves me. I’m pretty much the typical garden variety crossdresser. I don’t take female hormones for men. I’ve never had surgery. And, at this point in my life, I have no plans to transition or to live my life as a woman. I do go out as CiCi… I’ve been out in clubs in several cities, and I’ve attended many fetish events as well. So I go out. But I’m not out. For all that running around in public (often in spiked heels or thigh high boots!), my lifestyle is still hidden from almost everyone I know. I’ve told a few friends here and there. But to most of the world – and to my extended family – I remain a pretty typical American male.

For the past ten years, while CiCi was emerging as a major force in my life, I was a married professional raising a stepson, struggling to pay my mortgage, and trying to keep the weeds and gophers in my backyard under control. I earned a Master’s Degree, enjoyed hiking and theme parks, and watched way too much ESPN.

So when I did come out to a few of my friends, they were shocked. Not because I’m such a macho guy that the idea of me being feminine was totally out of the question (believe me, I’m not). But because there were no signs. No hints. I’d covered my tracks. Nothing in my life (as they knew it), that would lead them to believe I was anything other than the man I presented myself to be. Sure I have some feminine traits. But so do a lot of men. I don’t think most of the people in mainstream society make the leap from noticing a few feminine traits in a man to seriously thinking that man is transgendered. I know I don’t.
So I lived a double life. A secret life. And that I think is the problem. I am the problem. My friends were shocked to find that I was a t-girl simply because I live a very mainstream life… and my friends don’t associate tgirls and transgenders with mainstream life. To them, t-girls are people who inhabit the fringes of society. Way out on the edge of society’s norms and mores. Out at the edge of acceptability and decency.

The nerdy guy with the graying hair and the reading glasses who sits in the cubicle next to them just doesn’t fit that alternative image. People don’t see me in guy mode and think, “gender rebel” or “sexual outlaw”!

In our community, we get mad because mainstream America thinks that transgenders are all drag queens or hookers on Santa Monica Boulevard. But what else is America to think if those are the only images of transgendered people they get to see?

Mainstream America doesn’t think that the boy next door could ever be transgendered because no “boys-next-door” have ever come out. (Now, I should pause here to say that many people know a cross dresser in their neighborhood or their family… but they think it’s an aberration. They keep it hush-hush. And that silence only serves to reinforce the idea that each case of trans-sexuality is nothing more than that… an isolated aberration.)

Now before I go any further, let me say that as of right now I have no plans to come out. For all the reasons I’ve listed above – family, friends, employment – I’m planning on remaining in the closet. You can blast me for this. And I wouldn’t blame you. I blast myself for this all of the time. (As I’ve said in this column, “The problem is me.”)

But what if we did? What if hundreds of mainstream guys – who hunt and fish and raise families and go bowling with their co-workers – suddenly came out? What if America – and the world -- finally saw that cross dressers aren’t an aberration? What if America saw that crossdressers are the same men who patrol their streets, fight their wars, lead their corporations, star in their movies, sing beautiful love songs, raise beautiful families, and live pretty normal lives?

That’s when true acceptance would start to set in. That’s when legislation would change. That’s when prejudice would start to end.

But someone has to start it. It’s like that fairy tale, “Belling the Cat.” All the mice can believe in their heart of hearts that the world would be a better place if the cat had a bell on its collar, but one brave little mouse has to step forward and risk his life to “bell the cat.” And brave little mice are hard to come by.

What will it take before large groups of mainstream men will start admitting to the world that they are transgendered? Maybe a movie or TV show will air that will start the conversation. Maybe a rock star or movie star (or OMG… a famous athlete!) will come out. Maybe some WikiLeaks-style hacker will infiltrate our websites and chat rooms and “out” us all to the public against our will. (How scary is that thought?) Or, on a more positive note, maybe it will all just have to wait for the next generation – a generation raised with the amazing resources and support found on the internet. Resources and support that our generation never had. Maybe they will do it.

I wish it could be me. I wish I was that brave mouse. But I’m not. I’m a typical guy with typical fears and typical responsibilities that – at least for the time being – prevent me from being willing to take that step. I wish I was that brave. That strong. That daring. But instead, like I said in the title of this blog…

The problem is me.

Take care out there.
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy.

xoxo,
CiCi