There’s been a lot of political talk lately about the status of transgenders. There have been victories – the state of New York approved gay marriage (which is sure to affect many TV/CD/TG girls), and the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) was recently held up in order to make it transgender-inclusive.
Yet, it still bothers people that the transgender community hasn’t made more headway in both political and social circles. We just observed the 42nd anniversary of the Stonewall Riots in NYC. Those riots were a flashpoint for the gay community – and since that event, gays and lesbians have made great strides in society as a whole. But what about us? What about
transgendered folks? How much progress have we made?
The great irony here is that Stonewall and many of the other early gay rights protests were started by transgenders or occurred at clubs where TG persons where known to hang out.
So what exactly is the problem? Obviously, there’s no one problem. Like all societal issues, this is a complicated matter with a variety of forces working for us and against us. But it seems to me that the key problem is a simple one. An obvious one:
Visibility.
Gays and lesbians struggled with this same problem years ago. But little by little they became more visible. They literally came out. They launched a movement from Stonewall and they haven’t stopped since. And there have been setbacks. Huge setbacks. I remember when AIDS was first called, GRID (Gay Related Immune Deficiency). AIDS caused a backlash among conservatives and the religious right who saw the disease as God’s retribution for an immoral lifestyle. This caused a lot of stress and distress in the community (particularly among gays who considered themselves religious). But at the same time, the backlash only seemed to strengthen the movement’s resolve. Having a very loud (and often obnoxious) adversary seemed to fire up the gays and lesbians even more. “We’re here. We’re queer. Get used to it!”
The result? By the time AIDS had been in the national consciousness for ten or fifteen years (and beloved basketball star Magic Johnson had admitted that he had AIDS), homosexuals were coming out in droves. Even celebrities. Even politicians. People who once thought they had a lot to lose by being gay now saw power in personal honesty. In truthfulness. In a confident sense of self.
The media – always a strong indicator of society’s acceptance (sometimes by leading, sometimes by following) – was now peopled with gay figures. Tom Hanks won an Oscar for his role in “Philadelphia.” Ellen Degeneres’ first onscreen lesbian kiss was a ratings bonanza. And Elton John’s Academy Awards Night Party became one of the premier events of Hollywood’s most glamorous night.
Television shows from the more comic (“Will and Grace,” “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”) to the more serious (“The L Word,” “Queer as Folk”) became successes. New Hampshire ordained a gay bishop.
The transgender community also made great strides – although in much more modest circles. RuPaul (a cult favorite in the 90’s) became a verifiable media franchise in the new millennium. Movies from “Girls Don’t Cry” and “Transamerica” to “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert” became hits, if not blockbusters. And the staged version of “Priscilla” is now doing well on Broadway. Candis Cayne appeared in the short lived television series, “Dirty, Sexy, Money,” and Chastity Bono (quite publically) has transitioned from a woman to a man.
All very positive signs. And yet, there hasn’t been a corresponding movement among the general public. At least, it doesn’t seem to me that there has.
Now, as an active member of the
TV/CD community these past five years, I have seen many of my friends in the community come out, or begin living 24/7, or begin physically transitioning. But, my point is, if I wasn’t in this community, I would know very few openly transgendered people. As a comparison, I work at a fairly large (and fairly liberal) four-year university. We have a staff of thousands, and yet in the five years that I’ve worked there, I’ve met only one openly TG girl on staff. (She was only a part-time worker, and she didn’t last long.) On the other hand, there are many openly gay and lesbian staff members in nearly every division of our school.
In other words, we still have a long way to go. And I can already hear the many reasons and excuses for this situation. Many of them quite valid. By coming out, a tg man or woman risks their job, their marriage, their visitation rights to their children -- not to mention risking being ostracized from their friends and family and from society as a whole.
But the sad truth is… our gay brothers and lesbian sisters faced those very same risks. And they still face those same risks today in the form of family pressures, religious teachings, prejudice on the job, and simple small town backward thinking.
But they still keep coming out. So what’s our excuse?
Drag queens have always been out – and thanks to TV shows like “
RuPaul’s Drag Race” and “Trantasia” – they are perhaps more visible than ever. Some will argue that drag queens really belong more properly in the gay category (if you’re into categorizing your TG sisters), while others insist that drag performers perpetuate old flamboyant stereotypes of the TG lifestyle. But you know what? Drag queens still provide our most visible and our most public connection to mainstream society.
Transsexuals are pretty much out by definition. These are individuals who have physically transformed themselves (usually through surgical means) into the gender of their own choosing and now live 24/7 that way. But while very visible, many TS girls prefer to blend into society, and many go to great lengths to hide their male pasts. This is their choice, of course. Not everyone is Chastity Bono. Not everyone is comfortable in the public eye. And most importantly, many of these individuals – male and female – have survived a lifetime full of shame, and fear, and pain – both physical and emotional. And if they want to leave that past far behind them, who can blame them? So they are out. And in full public view. Yet ironically, they are often not “visible” members of the TG community.
So who does that leave?
Well, unfortunately, that leaves me. I’m pretty much the typical garden variety crossdresser. I don’t take
female hormones for men. I’ve never had surgery. And, at this point in my life, I have no plans to transition or to live my life as a woman. I do go out as CiCi… I’ve been out in clubs in several cities, and I’ve attended many fetish events as well. So I go out. But I’m not out. For all that running around in public (often in spiked heels or thigh high boots!), my lifestyle is still hidden from almost everyone I know. I’ve told a few friends here and there. But to most of the world – and to my extended family – I remain a pretty typical American male.
For the past ten years, while CiCi was emerging as a major force in my life, I was a married professional raising a stepson, struggling to pay my mortgage, and trying to keep the weeds and gophers in my backyard under control. I earned a Master’s Degree, enjoyed hiking and theme parks, and watched way too much ESPN.
So when I did come out to a few of my friends, they were shocked. Not because I’m such a macho guy that the idea of me being feminine was totally out of the question (believe me, I’m not). But because there were no signs. No hints. I’d covered my tracks. Nothing in my life (as they knew it), that would lead them to believe I was anything other than the man I presented myself to be. Sure I have some feminine traits. But so do a lot of men. I don’t think most of the people in mainstream society make the leap from noticing a few feminine traits in a man to seriously thinking that man is transgendered. I know I don’t.
So I lived a double life. A secret life. And that I think is the problem. I am the problem. My friends were shocked to find that I was a
t-girl simply because I live a very mainstream life… and my friends don’t associate tgirls and transgenders with mainstream life. To them, t-girls are people who inhabit the fringes of society. Way out on the edge of society’s norms and mores. Out at the edge of acceptability and decency.
The nerdy guy with the graying hair and the reading glasses who sits in the cubicle next to them just doesn’t fit that alternative image. People don’t see me in guy mode and think, “gender rebel” or “sexual outlaw”!
In our community, we get mad because mainstream America thinks that transgenders are all drag queens or hookers on Santa Monica Boulevard. But what else is America to think if those are the only images of
transgendered people they get to see?
Mainstream America doesn’t think that the boy next door could ever be transgendered because no “boys-next-door” have ever come out. (Now, I should pause here to say that many people know a cross dresser in their neighborhood or their family… but they think it’s an aberration. They keep it hush-hush. And that silence only serves to reinforce the idea that each case of trans-sexuality is nothing more than that… an isolated aberration.)
Now before I go any further, let me say that as of right now I have no plans to come out. For all the reasons I’ve listed above – family, friends, employment – I’m planning on remaining in the closet. You can blast me for this. And I wouldn’t blame you. I blast myself for this all of the time. (As I’ve said in this column, “The problem is me.”)
But what if we did? What if hundreds of mainstream guys – who hunt and fish and raise families and go bowling with their co-workers – suddenly came out? What if America – and the world -- finally saw that cross dressers aren’t an aberration? What if America saw that
crossdressers are the same men who patrol their streets, fight their wars, lead their corporations, star in their movies, sing beautiful love songs, raise beautiful families, and live pretty normal lives?
That’s when true acceptance would start to set in. That’s when legislation would change. That’s when prejudice would start to end.
But someone has to start it. It’s like that fairy tale, “Belling the Cat.” All the mice can believe in their heart of hearts that the world would be a better place if the cat had a bell on its collar, but one brave little mouse has to step forward and risk his life to “bell the cat.” And brave little mice are hard to come by.
What will it take before large groups of mainstream men will start admitting to the world that they are transgendered? Maybe a movie or TV show will air that will start the conversation. Maybe a rock star or movie star (or OMG… a famous athlete!) will come out. Maybe some WikiLeaks-style hacker will infiltrate our websites and chat rooms and “out” us all to the public against our will. (How scary is that thought?) Or, on a more positive note, maybe it will all just have to wait for the next generation – a generation raised with the amazing resources and support found on the internet. Resources and support that our generation never had. Maybe they will do it.
I wish it could be me. I wish I was that brave mouse. But I’m not. I’m a typical guy with typical fears and typical responsibilities that – at least for the time being – prevent me from being willing to take that step. I wish I was that brave. That strong. That daring. But instead, like I said in the title of this blog…
The problem is me.
Take care out there.
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy.
xoxo,
CiCi
