CrossdresserPhotoBlog - Articles about transgendered life and Crossdressing

Making the Leap...The What-Ifs of Transitioning

2012-04-25T17:53:00.003-04:00

Coming to terms with crossdressing is, on the whole, a bit easier psychologically than working through transgender issues. Dressing up allows you to acknowledge and celebrate your feminine side, but the realization that this is more than just a sometimes need is life-changing. While acknowledging that you may be transgender is amazingly difficult, it also poses a number of questions and choices about how you will handle this, from lifestyle changes to physical transitions. Hopefully, you'll have both good friends and a supportive counselor to guide you through this process.

First, you can choose to continue living as you do now, dressing up in your free time. You may opt not to transition for personal, financial or professional reasons. If you do make this choice, try to do so in as honest a way as you are able, acknowledging who you are in situations that feel safe and appropriate. Come out of the closet to close friends, your partner and your family if possible. Create a support system to keep the stress of living a life that isn't totally comfortable under control.

You may also opt to begin living full-time as a woman. This can be a step on the way to physical transition or may be a long-term solution for you. Opting to live as a woman enables you to feel true to yourself, but poses many challenges. Even if your partner accepted crossdressing with ease, transitioning to full time life as a woman may challenge your relationship. You may still feel quite uncomfortable with your male body, making relationships and sexuality difficult. Discrimination in your personal and professional life will become a reality. Often, living full-time as a woman, at work and at home, is required before you can begin any sort of medical or surgical transition.

The first step is, for many transwomen, hormone therapy. Hormone therapy can be over-the-counter supplements, but more often typically consists of anti-androgens to block the action of testosterone in the body, as well as female hormones. Hormone therapy typically results in a higher voice, reduced facial and body hair, the growth of breast tissue and softening of the skin. Substantial side effects do pose risks to your health and personal life, including a higher risk of heart disease and strokes, a risk of blood clots and sexual dysfunction. Depending upon your age and general health, hormone therapy may or may not be an option for you. You can reduce the health risks associated with hormone therapy by eating a healthy diet, stopping smoking and exercising regularly.

There are a number of surgical options if you are transitioning from a male body to a female one. With all surgeries, choose your doctor carefully and research all of your options. Many transwomen opt to go abroad for surgery. Depending upon the surgery and hospital regulations, you may be required to undergo a period of counseling or live as female for a number of months prior to surgery. Breast implants can provide the curves nature forgot, particularly if hormone therapy is not an option for health reasons. Sex reassignment surgery, sometimes called "bottom surgery", creates labia, a clitoris and a vagina. This procedure is both highly invasive and quite painful, but does provide full sexual function, with a little practice. Facial feminization surgery can reduce the appearance of a strong jawline, brow or nose, creating more feminine contours to your face.

Transitioning or even recognizing a desire to transition can impact more than just your day-to-day appearance. Opting to live full-time as a woman can come with high financial costs, especially if you work for a less-than-understanding employer. Hormone therapy is a costly ongoing expense and is often not covered by insurance. Sex reassignment surgery is very expensive and requires time off work to recover. You may find that your sexual interests and orientation shift and change as your gender does, causing problems and difficulties within your relationship. Transitioning also puts you at risk of not only discrimination, but gender-related violence.

Regardless of the choice you make, embrace your decision with confidence. Recognizing your needs and desires, whether you choose to take the plunge and transition or opt to maintain your life as it stands today, will give you the freedom you need to be happy and live a life filled with joy. This doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing choice. You can present as male at work while living female the rest of the time or take advantage of an inclusive employer while still pulling out the khakis and polo shirts for dinner with your parents. Find the support and resources you need online and in your community to determine the path that works best for you. Being true to yourself provides the strength to meet any challenge, no matter how large.

The End of the Two Party System - A blog by Cici Kitten for Crossdresser.com

2012-04-10T14:54:00.000-04:00

I don’t usually like to categorize myself. Like most tgirls, I am many things. But if you strapped me down to a rack and beat me (and btw… I could really use a night like that right now), I’d be forced to admit that I’m a bit of a party girl. I like parties. I like to dance (badly) and sing (loudly) … and drown all my cares and worries in a big pink cosmopolitan.

That to me is a pretty good night.

So I like parties. But what I really hate is two parties. That’s the current American political system. The two party system. Republicans and Democrats. Conservatives and liberals. Blue states and red states. And they have such a stranglehold on the electorate that there’s no room for anything else. Or anyone else. Or anything new.

We’re taught from a very early age that, politically speaking, there are two parties, two ways of thinking, and we grow up believing that. Even when it doesn’t work for us.

Let me illustrate. There are a lot of hunters out there who belong to the NRA (a very conservative organization), but they also want to protect America’s wild places (a typically liberal viewpoint) – who do they vote for? Or what about a passionate activist who abhors the taking of human life, including capital punishment (that’s a liberal stance). But what if this person also abhors the practice of abortion (a conservative position) – who does she vote for?

The media isn’t much help. The media likes to feed us sound bites and easy-to-understand arguments. They don’t have the time (or often the ability) to breakdown more complicated issues and discussions. So they just keep feeding us the same two combatants – conservative and liberal – the good guys and the bad guys. Of course the group wearing the white hats and the group wearing the black hats depends on the political swing of the media source you’re getting your news from. But in the end, it is still reinforced that we only have two choices.

(BTW… it’s not the media’s fault entirely. Sometimes the American public is resistant to anything new or complex… or different. So the media provides exactly what we can handle. Two ways of thinking. All tied up in a nice, neat bow.)

But life is not neat. And life, like a feisty subbie, can’t always be tied up in a bow. Which brings me to the real topic of my blog: gender.

You see, when it comes to gender, it’s the two-party system all over again. We’re taught there are two genders. And only two. Boys and girls. Men and women. Male and female. It’s a pretty common theory, and, of course, there is plenty of physical evidence to back it up. You don’t need a science lab or in-depth study to know that the anatomy of boys and girls are different, just check below your waist.

So there it is. Years of tradition. Years of culture. Eons of biology. It’s a two-gender world.

Or is it? What if gender is more than my cock and your pussy? What if gender is more than the physical? What if gender also incorporates the mental? The emotional? The soulful? The spiritual? The invisible?

We’re taught from a very early age that there are two genders, two ways of being, and we grow up believing that. Even when it doesn’t work for us.

But what if we’re seeking something more? What if two gender parties aren’t enough? What if we want a little from both sides – the pink shirts and the blue shirts? Gender roles are changing all around us and they have been for quite sometime. In my lifetime I’ve watched women become more accepted in the work place, more accepted in politics and science labs, and most simply of all, accepted in a pair of jeans. Men today, by the same token, are much more likely to stay at home, raise a family, or allow their wives to make important family decisions. Things are hardly equal, but these examples are so common now it’s almost hard to remember when they weren’t.

I remember a line from the movie, “Carnal Knowledge.” Candace Bergen tells Art Garfunkel that she’s studying law. Garfunkel expresses surprise and says something like, “Imagine that. A woman lawyer.” That was in 1969. Less then 20 years later, when I was working in Hollywood, nearly every lawyer I met was a woman.

See? The world changes. Gender definitions change. And they will continue to change. So why is it that I still can’t wear my hot little mini skirt to the mall?

I’ve noticed something pretty cool on a few websites lately. When I’m going to register, they ask me to click a box for my gender, and for the first time ever, there are no longer just two boxes. Some websites now list three: Male, Female, and Other. Think about that. Since we were first able to pick up a pencil and scribble our names, there have only been two gender boxes on every application or registration we’ve ever filled out.

Til now.

I don’t know how long it will be before we can all wear our mini skirts and sexy heels to the mall. (I know some of you already do.) I don’t know long it will be before wec an shop freely in both the men’s and women’s departments. (Again, I know some of you already do.) But most of us don’t. And most of us probably will never feel comfortable to do so in our lifetime. And that’s fine with me. I’ll shop online. Or I’ll continue telling the salesclerk that I’m shopping for my wife. Or my girlfriend. Or my oversexed, delinquent daughter. But this is about more than shopping.

I mean, here’s a question for you. When will boys and girls stop committing suicide because they know they will never fit into one of those two gender boxes that society wants to force them into?

When will that finally happen?

The trouble with the two party system – aside from being annoying and frustrating to free thinkers everywhere – is that it causes gridlock. The conservatives stay to the right. The liberals stay to the left. No one moves. No one concedes. No one compromises. To do so would be seen as defeat. So, while our politicians find victory in this gridlock – they seem to miss the fact that nothing of great importance ever gets done. And even more sadly, nothing innovative is ever even considered.

I am not a great thinker or a free thinker or a very complicated individual (I’m a party girl, remember?). But I still need more than two boxes on my ballot to express my true feelings as a voter, a citizen and a person.

And even more importantly, our children need to know that there are more than two gender boxes waiting for them out there in the world. In fact, maybe we need to start teaching them that there aren’t any boxes at all.

Take care out there.

Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy.

xoxo,

CiCi

Getting Along with the Girls

2012-04-03T09:43:00.004-04:00

Once you've moved from high heels to practical and flirty flats, you may be ready to take your female side out and about in day-to-day life. Even if you're not out at the office, getting comfortable going to lunch, shopping or for happy hour drinks with the girls can help you feel good in your own skin. While you may be lucky enough to have a circle of girls just like you to hang out with, if you're looking to run with the genetic girls, learning a few social rules can help you fit in and get invitations to girls' night out.

Dress appropriately for the occasion. Take the time to do some people watching or research and look at what women of your age wear when they're shopping, clubbing or going to lunch. If you know a woman with a stunning sense of style, note what she wears and how or schedule a shopping date and ask for help. Long denim skirts will be out of place if you're twenty and a plunging neckline and plaid schoolgirl skirt will attract unwanted attention if you're closer to an AARP membership than your twenty-first birthday. Hint: Your micro-mini or platform heels do not belong at a church luncheon, even if you attend a very welcoming church.

Your body language can send a message, creating a feminine impression on those around you. This one isn't about appearance, but rather about your behavior and mannerisms. Pick a favorite female TV character or a friend from the office and watch how she moves and sits. You didn't have the benefit of your mother telling you to sit like a lady, so I will. Keep your knees together and cross your ankles. While you can cross your legs at the knee, watch the skirt. Unless we're really close friends, I should never, ever see your panties. Let your feminine side out and talk with your hands, especially if you have a manicure to show off. Even if you're self-conscious about your height, stand straight with your shoulders back and tummy tucked. Good posture keeps your chest front and center and prevents any unwanted drooping.

Know your friends. Different social groups have distinctly different rules, but good manners always help. Master making a delicious margarita or baking a killer cupcake to share with friends. If you're not keen on the kitchen, bring a bottle of wine when you arrive. Social gatherings are often potluck, with everyone pitching in to create a meal or put together snacks. Keep in mind that women also help out when it's time to clean up, so help with the dishes if you're looking to be just one of the girls. Depending upon your personal situation, offer to host gatherings if you're able.

While you may remember the old rule about not discussing sex, religion or politics, figuring out the nuances of female conversation is a bit more challenging. Stick to neutral subjects until you have an idea of what subjects are acceptable. In most cases, your work, children, personal projects, vacations and movies, music or books are welcome subjects, even in a conservative group. Once the women in your life are true friends, rather than mere acquaintances, you'll likely find that women discuss personal issues much more freely than men. At that point, relationship troubles, marriage, and even sex are on the table for conversation.

Making new friends isn't easy, whether you've been sporting heels since you were twelve or you're just learning. While you may find you fit right in with your wife's friends and she welcomes you into that part of her life, don't be surprised if she'd rather you find your own girlfriends and not expect to share wine and cupcakes with her gal pals.

Working It (For Real) - A Interview Blog by Cici Kitten for Suddenly Fem

2012-03-21T14:34:00.003-04:00

Recently, ABC Television attempted to bring a gender-bending sitcom to the masses with their program, “Work It.” I never saw an episode (it was cancelled after only two episodes), but the program seemed to offend just about everyone. The premise – which recalled the 1970’s Tom Hanks’ series, “Bosom Buddies” -- was that two men would pose as women in order to get jobs in this difficult and competitive job market. Female audiences were upset because they thought that the idea that it’s easier for a woman to get a job today than a man was pretty ridiculous. Transgender viewers (or non-viewers – as they tuned out in droves) were worried that the program would perpetuate old stereotypes about the crossdressing experience – as well as trivialize the very real problems of unemployment and underemployment facing transgender individuals today.

As a counterpoint, I thought I would tell the very real stories of two good friends of mine – tgirls who now live and work as females 24/7. They both took different journeys to land their current jobs, but I found great inspiration in their stories of courage and persistence in the face of both social prejudice and economic recession. Even if you never intend to live 24/7 or apply for a job as a woman, I think you’ll be moved by these stories as well.

Stephanie’s life as a woman actually got off to a pretty good start. “I began dressing around the house in front of my family,” she says. “I came out to my kids (16 and 11). They were both great about it and have had no problem with my transition.”

At the time, Stephanie had been a graphic designer with the same company for five years. She was laid off two weeks after coming out to them – although she sincerely believes that the lay-off was due to budget concerns and not to the fact that she is transgender.

Still, in fairly short time, she found herself separated from her wife, unemployed, deep in debt, and quite depressed. And even though many of her friends were accepting of her new life, she began closing herself off from them. She was trying to decide if she should pursue a new job as a man or to go into it as a transwoman.

“I decided to go into it as a transwoman,” she says. “My first interview was in June 2003. It didn’t go very well. She (the interviewer) couldn’t even look me in the eye. I was dressed more androgynously, but the interview lasted only a few minutes and she didn't even look at my portfolio of work. When she walked me out, I got to the door, turned around to shake her hand and she was already walking away.”

I asked Stephanie if she ever had any second thoughts at that time. If she ever reconsidered applying for jobs as a woman. “Well, after those types of interviews it was tough, I did cry a lot. But I just felt that there had to be someone that would accept me for me. I just continued to believe. So I sent more resumes and went on more interviews. Some went well, some did not.”

After nearly a year of searching (and about 23 interviews), this well-qualified and talented graphic designer ended up taking a job at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf -- making $8.25. “My unemployment had run out and I was broke and in major debt, still separated and working through a divorce at this time. So I went from a Media Manager/Graphic Designer running an advertising department by myself to a near minimum wage job at a coffee shop. And I bet if you were to ask any of those people who interviewed me, they would say gender had nothing to do with it.”

Ironically, the Coffee Bean job turned out to be a positive step for Stephanie. “It turned out to be a great thing for me personally as it helped me grow into a woman with how I interact with others and how I present myself in a particular situation.” Her supervisors and co-workers turned out to be totally supportive. “They treated me as a woman and had my back if a customer had an issue -- which was not very often. I was pleasantly surprised -- more so by the public. A number of regulars became my friends. I can’t tell you how many times people have come up to me and said how much they admire my courage for living the life I have imagined.”

However, Stephanie longed to return to her chosen profession, graphic design. Over the next few years, she secured several temporary positions in that field. But nothing seemed to work out. Then, sadly, like many people facing the stress of difficult times and depression, Stephanie made some bad decisions. She fell in with a bad crowd and came under the influence of drugs. Drugs are all too common in the tg/tv world… as depressed girls desperately seek relief from the emotional pain they feel on a daily basis. Stephanie was no different. Those were dark days for her, and late one night, she was physically beaten… nearly to death.

Unfortunately, that’s what it took for Stephanie to change her life. In order to keep the focus of this blog on working and employment, I’m really giving you the short version here: But with the help of some close friends, continued sessions with her psychologist, and the support of her family, she was able to heal herself and refocus her life’s goals. She had begun taking classes towards her BFA degree in Visual Communication/Web Design in 2005 and received her degree in April 2010. A few weeks later, she received a call from a staffing agency and was asked to take a position at the Guitar Center -- for a week or so. But as Stephanie says, “After the week, they asked me to stay and I have been there ever since. I kind of landed in the right place I guess. It's a great job and I am so happy to be there. I became a full-time salaried employee on September 19^th, 2011.”

That’s nearly ten years to the day after she first came out to her then-wife in October of 2001. I asked Stephanie what she thought of the roller coaster ride she’d been on over those ten years. “I kind of traded one set of issues (living as a man or pretending to) for living as a transgendered woman in this bi-polar, dual-sexed, gender-defined world,” she said. “In some ways it got better, in some ways it got way worse. The biggest upside for me is that I don't think about killing myself every time I wake up in the morning. Life is too good and too short to deal with that.”

“Yes, interviews were tough and the depression was bad at times but I was doing it, I was living the life I had imagined.” (All in all, Stephanie figures she went on about 75 interviews!) “Each day it got a little better, a smile from a stranger, interacting with people who had no issues or didn't even realize that I was a transwoman… or were so OK with it that they didn't care. It took years, but growing up all over again is a process and I am still growing… just like everyone else.

The other friend I talked to, Shannon, had a much different story. Shannon has worked most of her adult life in the rather macho security field. But she has girlish memories that go back to the time when she was a young child. “I have memories of running around in the backyard wearing my mother’s blue suede boots with blue leather cuffs,” she says. “I was hammering two boards together to make a sword and used the excuse of playing pirates. But I knew what I was doing. Even at age six.”

Shannon’s grandmother (who raised her) used to let her run in the back yard, but then her mother would come home from work and get mad because Shannon was wearing her favorite boots. “Then came the spankings,” says Shannon. I asked Shannon if her mother was mad because the boots might be ruined … or because she was dressing like a girl. “My grandma thought it was just a phase,” Shannon says. “But my mom thought it was absolutely wrong – therefore the spankings. She took me to a child psychologist. And he told her I’d grow out of it.” (This was in about 1977.)

Shannon tried living with her dad for a while… but her stepmom had some nice boots that fit Shannon perfectly – so that living situation didn’t last long either. The temptation to try on the boots was too strong. And Shannon was caught doing it repeatedly.

Since she had had such a difficult and painful childhood, I asked Shannon if she ever felt like there was something wrong with her, and Shannon said something that I think a lot of tgirls can identify with. She said, “I felt like something was wrong with everyone else.”

Flash forward about 20 years and Shannon was working at a stable job in the security field. Or so she thought. “Things seemed stable until I started looking differently. My skin got softer. I had laser to my face and arms. The other officers were reading “Guns & Ammo” and I was reading “People Style Watch” with the female officers. Then one day they said your services are no longer required -- due to cut backs and the economy.”

Shannon then bounced around to a few other similar jobs. And met with similar reactions. “I was working as a male. But they told me I couldn’t wear my pink cell phone case on my duty belt. And they said no to natural colored nail polish or clear polish. They noticed the mascara.” Once she was fired for improperly following procedure. But she believes it had more to do with her nail polish and feminine sunglasses.

At that point, she was very depressed. She had no job, no wife, no family to come home to, and no car. She couldn’t afford to keep either of her trucks or her 18-foot bass boat. She tried applying for jobs as Shannon at nearby malls. But nothing came of that. “I didn’t look that fem back then,” she says. “They looked at me kinda strange. They just smiled and took my app. I’m sure it was immediately filed in the round filing basket.”

“I was struggling to keep a grip on things,” she recalls. “I thought is this life ever going to pan out? I gave up everything to be Shannon. There were some very dark nights when I was about to say fuck it. Good thing I had one friend that stuck by me. And I had my gender counselor. But the only thing that kept me here is the fact that I have two beautiful children.”

The one good friend was a very special friend that we’ll call, Sean. Sean also worked security, and, as Shannon said, they walked some pretty mean streets together. Still Shannon didn’t tell him about her hidden life – her femme life -- until 2007. “All of our friends in security are such homophobes. But Sean stuck by me when a lot of my buddies did not. I lost a lot of what I thought were friends. The calls just stopped coming to go out for drinks or hunting invites ceased.”

With Sean’s help, Shannon was able to secure an interview with a new security firm. However, she had to apply for the job as a male.

“I had applied and applied with no luck as Shannon,” she remembers. “I wondered if my new life would ever materialize. It felt so alien wearing a suit again. But I needed a job. At a certain point you have to take care of the basics. Food, water, place to live, job. I was at the end of my rope.”

Shannon applied for the job as a male and she started work as a male. “It didn’t require me to wear a uniform,” she says. “But my clothing choices made them start to wonder about me. Loud colors. They looked at me strange when I wore UGGS to work. And, besides, it’s hard to hide tranny boobs under a polo shirt.”

What happened next was certainly to be expected. The owner and the manager called Shannon’s friend, Sean, into their office. And they asked Sean if their new dispatcher was transgendered. Sean defended Shannon and asked if Shannon’s transgender nature was going to be a problem.

And that’s when the really big surprise came. Rather than firing her or reprimanding her, the owner said it wouldn’t be a problem. He said that they were sensitive to Shannon’s situation, and that she was free to start coming to the office as Shannon now. She wouldn’t have to hide any more. Shannon had only worked as a male for two weeks. She has now worked at this position as Shannon for nearly a year.

“I love the job and the fact that the owner took a chance on me,” she says.

I also asked Shannon about her relationship with her mother now… after all of these years. “She is still not ok with it. Not accepting at all,” Shannon says about her mother. “She once said if she would have known I was like this at birth she would’ve done like the Romans when they discovered a defect and drown me.”

Sadly that is the kind of thing that tg children have heard for generations. And certainly not the reaction any child wants to hear from their mother. But, fortunately, the relationship does seem to have grown since the early days. “I still live with her,” Shannon says. “We have our good days and bad days and we have great shopping missions together. I think that’s her way of coping with it. But it’s hard for her to reprogram. She says she had a son not a daughter.”

“It’s hard for her,” Shannon says about her mother. “She says she cannot lie.”

I marveled at how ironic that was. Shannon’s mother claims she cannot lie. Yet she expects Shannon to live one. And I think that’s what so many tgirls are striving so hard to avoid – living a lie. To live as honestly as possible. For some that might mean dressing from time-to-time. For others, that may mean living and working as a woman 24/7.

For most girls, as it has been for Shannon and Stephanie, the road to that kind of life is long, hard, and full of ups and downs. I asked what advice Stephanie would give to a fulltime girl who is just starting a job search… or is currently frustrated in her search.

“Well, I would say continue to believe in the better good. Don't let others tear you down and make you believe you can't be who you are. Attitude is everything.”

Then she added one of her favorite quotes from Gandhi, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

Take care out there.
Be Smart, Be Safe, Be Sexy!

xoxo.
CiCi

Crossdresser.com Releases Unique Lingerie for Men Styles That Hold Silicone Breast Forms

2012-03-08T17:07:00.003-05:00

Now the Crossdressing Male Can Have a Totally Realistic and Flawless Bustline with the Help of Built-In Pocketbra Styles Slips, Teddies and Chemises by Suddenly Fem™

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

(Press Release) PHILADELPHIA, PA — February 10, 2012

Suddenly Fem™ unveils their new crossdressing lingerie presenting glam sexy style reminiscent of the fabulous fifties. Their designers, however, move this iconic look fashion forward with a realistic touch. The luxurious men’s lingerie, when worn with silicone breast forms in the built-in Pocketbra™, radiates a very natural look and feel… a sheer delight for the MTF transgender stylite.

The sweetest confection, a chemise in sensual satin or lace, emulates Marilyn curves from the flawless bust line that holds silicone breast forms to the derrière, accentuated by rows of cascading ruffles. This chemise also doubles as a bustle back slip. Presented in a lusciously feminine palette of burgundy or white, it’s perky and playful… simply dollicious! ( Style No. 42066)

“Our newest crossdressing lingerie reflects our commitment to create that ultra-real fem sensation for our clientele… bringing the sex goddess image from fantasy to life,” explains Tyler DeSouza , Lead Designer and VP of Operations.

Intimately speaking, nothing brings out the fairer side like these bare essentials. From silky slips to gartered teddies — all perfectly proportioned to fit the male body — Suddenly Fem offers a plethora of picks in their new men’s lingerie line. The full selection can be viewed at Crossdresser.com

About Suddenly Fem

A division of Best Value Products, Suddenly Fem is a rarity in the cross dressing industry that manufactures every item to accommodate the unique needs of the transgendered shopper. The cross dressing experts at Suddenly Fem take care to personally approve each and every item for a high-end, elegant look that is made to compliment the cross dresser’s figure.

Suddenly Fem has 20 years of industry experience designing and manufacturing high-end, sophisticated transsexual clothing including costumes, blouses, skirts, dresses, lingerie, lace panties and gaffs, breast forms, and more. Crossdresser.com has a wide selection of constantly updated fashions that are specifically designed to fit men’s larger frames.

For more information on Suddenly Fem of Best Value Products, call 215-881-9470 or visit www.crossdresser.com

Behind Closed Doors...A Blog for SuddenlyFem by Cupcake

2012-02-28T14:28:00.002-05:00

There’s more to all this than just a pair of stockings, a good push-up bra and high heels in your size, for both you and your partner. With that, let’s get personal. Whether cross-dressing is primarily a sexual kink or you’re finding yourself moving toward a physical transition, this will impact your sexuality and your sex life with your partner. My last blog touched on the thoughts and concerns she may have, but an honest discussion of the nitty-gritty is something that doesn’t happen often enough. I’m working on an assumption that you want to maintain your relationship and the two of you are committed to one another. While I’m using female pronouns for the partner here, I think that most of this will apply regardless of gender.

If it’s really all about the sex for you, at least for now, working dressing up into bedroom play may not be so hard. Talk it through and define both of your boundaries, just as you would for any other sexual fantasy. This is a good time to talk about what each of you needs and wants from this experience and about your fears and discomfort. Take baby steps and start small. Treat this as role play, making it something fun. Written erotica, a visit to an adult toy store or an appropriately themed video may help to provide the two of you with a bit of inspiration, if you’re floundering.

Women’s magazines are full of advice about getting yourself in the mood. Take advantage of these tips when the night comes. While it may be a bit sappy, it works if you’re feeling nervous, regardless of chromosomes. Send the kids to Grandma’s house, relax and have a glass of wine. Laugh together. While no one mentions this, put your lingerie on early in the night, before you have a chance to chicken out! There’s nothing worse than breaking the mood when you excuse yourself to put on a garter belt and stockings.

We’ve covered the easy part of this question. Integrating dressing up into your sex life isn’t necessarily difficult, especially when it’s about sex for you, not gender. Managing life in the bedroom when you’re feeling confused or struggling with your own gender identity is hard on both of you. Even if you’re not taking physical steps toward transition, you may find your libido is low or you’re just not feeling quite right about sex or about certain sex acts. You might even find that acceptance increases your libido. If you are transitioning, hormone treatments and androgen-blockers will change your sexual function in significant ways.

You have a few key responsibilities here. First, you owe it to your partner to communicate openly about what you’re feeling about your body and sex, and if necessary, about changes in your feelings. Some T-girls are fine with maintaining a traditional sexual relationship with a female partner, while others may be more comfortable looking for sexual activities that feel more feminine and less traditionally masculine. If you’re not okay with using the appendage-that-shall-not-be-named or having it touched, say so. You might be okay with some sex acts and not others or with pleasing her even if you’re not comfortable without your panties. Keep in mind that her libido may be just fine, even when yours isn’t. Making an effort to find sexual activities that work for both of you can help to preserve your relationship. Women manage to have perfectly satisfying sex with other women all the time, but it can take a bit of extra creativity to get there, if it’s new to the two of you. Regardless of whether you’re okay with sex or not right now, you do need to prioritize maintaining physical closeness. If sex is a no-go, cuddle, hold hands, give each other backrubs.

All of this implies that there’s still a mutual attraction, desire and willingness to work through the challenges that can come with crossdressing or gender identity issues. That leaves several big what-ifs. You may find that you’re attracted to men or other T-girls. She may not be attracted to you when you’re presenting as a woman. In either case, a trans-friendly counselor can help the two of you stay together or split up as good friends, even if you’re no longer functioning well as partners.

It's Just Wrong! A blog for Crossdresser.com by CiCiKitten

2012-02-15T19:44:00.000-05:00

Because of the progress that transpeople have made in the world today, we’re getting a lot more media coverage and airtime. From legislative changes to Chaz Bono dancing on prime time television to stories of parents of gender variant children allowing their kids to live the way they wish to, most of what’s happening is positive. And even the more negative stuff that we hear is still a sign of the progress we’re making and the acceptance that is slowly, gradually, sometimes begrudgingly, coming to our community as a whole.

But with that, as expected, comes a backlash. Talk show pundits, conservative or religious leaders, and online bloggers are quick to fire back at every step of progress we make. Some insult us. Some deny us our right to exist. And some just plain spew hate.

But very few can make a logical argument against us. And no one can win a logical argument against us.

Because here in America, we live in a free society. I don’t believe “freedom of expression” is specifically mentioned in the Bill of Rights, but I know that “freedom of speech” is, and that has usually been broadened to mean “freedom of expression.” I’m not sure why the haters don’t get this simple fact of law. Forget about the fact that I don’t see why they feel the need to stick their noses in my business any way! But why on earth would any American who’s enjoying the freedoms that this country provides wish to start us down a path where we start limiting freedoms? I don’t care if you’re straight or gay, vanilla or kinky, Democrat or Republican, you can’t want to go down that road. And if I’m not hurting anyone (other than myself through the possibility of losing my job, my career, my retirement, my family, and/or my romantic relationships just for starters), then why should anyone else care?

But they do care. And they do not give up easily. So eventually, as the arguments against us are dismissed one by one, sooner or later it will happen. The pundit on TV, the preacher in the pulpit, the anonymous online message poster, and, sadly, sometimes, the loving wife sitting across from you on the couch, will utter that final, condemning statement. The only argument they have left in their underequipped arsenal. And they will look into the camera or they will look into your eyes and they will say, “It’s just wrong.”

Their other arguments hold no weight. Their attempts to conjure the “good old days” or Bible references or biological facts haven’t changed us. So all they have left is, “It’s just wrong.” A woman should not live as a man. A man should not live as a woman.

That kind of argument reminds me a lot of what my father used to say when he didn’t have a good reason for forbidding me to do something. He’d simply say, “Because I said so.” It was a cop out. It was a fall back for when all other arguments had failed. And it’s the same way with, “It’s just wrong.”

Cross dressing isn’t wrong. It may not be traditional. Or conventional. Or even typical. But that doesn’t make it wrong. It only makes it unique. Special. Delightfully unconventional. And what a sad world this would be if only the conventional were allowed to thrive. We’d still be living in the Stone Age. I contend that most of the greatest developments, inventions and revolutionary ideas in history have come from individuals who were unconventional. People who thought outside the norm. And had the strength of their conviction to stand up to the naysayers and the haters.

Now I’m not putting crossdressers on the same level as Galileo or Einstein or Jonas Salk. But you get the idea. Noncomformists rock! And if you look back over history, time and time again, they’ve rocked the world.

Often the pundits will dismiss freedom as expressed in our Bill of Rights by saying, “That’s not what the founding fathers intended.” As if we know what the founding fathers intended! Or that we even know if most of the founding fathers agreed on every point. (I’m sure they didn’t.) All we know is that they debated long and hard over a lot of what’s in the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, and what we have today is what they came up with. And what we have today is pretty special. The blueprint for what Lincoln later called, this “noble experiment” -- this idea that people could govern themselves. Make their own decisions. Elect their own leaders. Make up their own laws.

Apparently this idea was pretty radical at the time. And it’s been tested pretty hard over the past 200 years or so. And, honestly, it hasn’t always served its citizenry well. Ask any woman. Ask any slave. Ask any minority. America’s history is messy and fraught with mistakes. But what those founding fathers came up with is still pretty much genius. It says that I have the right to be me. And you have the right to be you. And we both have the right to express ourselves. (They even included the notion of “checks and balances” so that minorities – who would always be out-voted by the majority -- still stood a chance in the political/legislative arena.)

It ain’t wrong. Expressing yourself. Being your true self – as long as it isn’t hurting anyone else – is never wrong. Heck, it’s what we cheer about in movies and fairy tales and all those tear-jerking stories on Barbra Walters’ specials: People – against all odds – being true to themselves.

So if I want to dress like a girl. Or a monkey. Or a comic book hero. Or a fire hydrant. I have the right to do so. I also have to accept that unconventional dressing may have an adverse affect on my employment prospects and romantic relationships, but that’s the risk I take. And in the case of the fire hydrant, I guess I’d run the risk of getting pissed on as well. But if I want to take that risk, it’s my business. It’s my right. And it is right. It isn’t wrong.

But since I’m kind of on a roll, here some things that, in my humble opinion, are just wrong:

It’s just wrong to tell someone else how to express their gender.

It’s just wrong to limit freedoms granted by the Constitution.

It’s just wrong to demote, limit, or fire a capable, experienced employee because he or she does not conform to your idea of gender. (And it’s just wrong not to hire a qualified candidate because he or she does not conform to your idea of gender.)

It’s just wrong to tell a child that he or she has to act a certain way because of their body’s sex organs.

It’s just wrong to tell someone who they can or cannot love -- or who they can or cannot marry.

It’s just wrong to allow crimes – especially violent crimes -- against transgendered people to go unsolved because you regard them as second class citizens.

It’s just wrong to consider any group “second class citizens.”

It’s just wrong to sit in the secure anonymity of the online world and make hateful comments about others that you will never have to answer for.

It’s just wrong to use religious arguments in speaking with people who may not subscribe to your religious views or to any religious views.

It’s just wrong to think you’re always right.

It’s just wrong to tell school kids they have to endure bullying – that it’s just part of growing up.

It’s just wrong to drive a child (or an adult, for that matter) to suicide because you don’t happen to understand the way they choose to live their life.

It’s just wrong to publish unfounded stories about celebrities cross dressing when you (a) know you’re just spreading hearsay, and (b) treat cross dressing like a crime akin to serial killing or child molestation.

It’s just wrong to deny a good father or grandfather access to his kids or grandkids because he has begun expressing his feminine side.

It’s just wrong to stop trying to make a relationship work because the person you once loved deeply is now changing.

I could go on and on. But here’s one last one that no one should ever have to say:

It’s just wrong to beat a 17 month old boy to death because “I was trying to make him act like a boy instead of a little girl.” (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-rowe/what-it-says-about-us-whe_b_671373.html)

Sadly, that last point shows just how far America needs to go to get educated about transgender lives and transgender issues.

This isn’t to say that we transgender folk are never wrong. We’re wrong a lot. And, in a way, we have the right to be wrong. To make mistakes. To screw up our lives. And unfortunately many of us will. But it least it will be our decision. Our choice.

The truth is, all of those who oppose us also have the right to speak out. That’s part of those freedoms the founding fathers established. So if I want to be free to act and speak as I wish, I have to be ready to endure the commentary and actions of those who oppose me. All I’m saying is, if you’re a wife or a girlfriend or a parent or a priest or a teacher or a politician or television personality or a schoolyard bully, you better have a better argument than, “It’s just wrong.” Because if that’s all you’ve got then you should start re-evaluating your stance, reconsidering your position, or maybe start looking for another issue to debate altogether. Because in the long run, if logic prevails, you’re never going to win this one.

Oh, and one last thought about those founding fathers. As I said above, I’ll never try to project back 200 years to guess at what they truly “intended.” But I do know this. In every illustration I’ve ever seen of them… the founding fathers were all wearing heels, stockings, and big fluffy wigs.

And if that outfit was good enough for Thomas F’n Jefferson, then it’s damn sure good enough for me!

Take care out there!

Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy!

xoxo,
CiCi

So What Does This Mean for Me? A Blog for SuddenlyFem by Cupcake

2012-02-07T14:01:00.001-05:00

Humans are, fundamentally, selfish creatures. Regardless of how loving she is, I promise you, she’s wondering what this all means for her, for your marriage and for her lifestyle. While the answer to all that will differ depending upon your relationship, she’s worried. Coming out often means that you’ve been locked in your own world and maybe a bit oblivious to everyone else for a while as there was a lot to muddle through in your own head. Her questions and concerns may be totally different than yours, but they’re no less valid.

Are You Gay?

Okay, I wasn’t guilty of this one myself, but rumor has it it’s a biggie for an awful lot of women when they realize that the presumably straight guy in the relationship is wearing panties. If you are gay (or even bisexual), well, this does pose some problems in a heterosexual relationship, whether you opt to split so the two of you can pursue other relationships, open your relationship or remain monogamous. In this case, a counselor can help the two of you come to a solution that works best for both of you. If you’re curious or unsure, deciding whether to tell or not can be harder. If she’s open-minded and has handled your coming out well, open up to her. If she is struggling, adding additional worry right now might not be for the best, especially if you intend to maintain your relationship. Either way, she does have a right to a safe and honest relationship, so keep it in your pants until you’ve had a bare-it-all discussion. Really, though, we all know that many crossdressers are heterosexual and happy in their relationships with women.

If you’re, in fact, happily straight, she’s going to need a good bit of reassurance for a while. Even if she doesn’t believe you’re gay, she’s likely feeling very, very insecure about your feelings about her and your relationship. The same old guy-in-trouble strategies can come into play here. Date nights, flowers, a weekend getaway are all good, but probably not good enough. I’m enough of a lady to be delicate about this, but make sure that things don’t change for the worse in the bedroom. If there’s a change in that regard, it better be for the better.

Transitions

This one’s a lot bigger and a lot scarier for both of you. Some marriages and relationships do survive gender transitions and can remain happy and stable, but it’s going to be tough on both of you, require a hell of a lot of flexibility and an open mind. Whether you’re jumping into life as a girl 24/7 or you’ve made this change gradually, both of you need professional help through this transition. Even in the best of circumstances, she may not be interested in you as a woman or attracted to you, regardless of love and history. Transitioning often comes with a number of really difficult body image issues that will, almost inevitably, affect both of you, but those questions are for another post.

Secrets and Confessions

You might be prepared for her worries about the neighbors, but may be less ready to handle the reality that she plans to tell, even if only her closest friend. This is her secret as much as yours now, and she has a right, within reason, to discuss it with a trusted confidante. She needs the opportunity to process this new information with someone other than you. If she doesn’t want to talk to a close friend, you might encourage her to talk to a queer- and kink-friendly therapist or to find a support group (either in person or online) for partners. While she has a right to tell, she does not have a right to tell everyone. You should feel free to ban her from telling the local gossip, your minister, or her parents. Allowing her the space she needs to work through her feelings can help the two of you make it through this revelation together and come out of it stronger. In this case, you’re going to have to take a deep breath, pull up your big girl panties and deal with the fact that her best friend probably knows.

Ask

If you really want to understand her experience in all this, you need to ask her, probably more than once. Checking in regularly, especially if things have changed, can help the two of you negotiate this new phase in your relationship.

Appearances - A blog For Crossdresser.com by Cici Kitten

2012-02-01T15:08:00.000-05:00

Like a lot of tgirls, I’m pretty obsessed with appearances. We all want to “appear” more like women, and most of us want to “appear” as attractive as possible. That’s why we spend a couple of hours in front of a mirror before we go out, or go on webcam, or pose for photos. It’s also why we spend a lot of time (and money) looking for new products or techniques or styles that can help us in our appearance. We want to look femme, but we also want to look good. And that’s not a bad thing.

Until we start to get carried away with it. Until we find ourselves in the same situation that women have been in for centuries. Until we get to the point that – with ourselves and with others – all that matters is how we look. How pretty. How femme. How hot.

The truth is, it’s not easy for the average guy to look like a woman. And it’s even harder for the average guy to look like a pretty woman. Heck, it’s hard for most women to look like a pretty women. Most of us are average looking… and that’s not by choice, that’s by definition. (That’s kinda what average means. ) But we see so many attractive people – on tv and on the web, in movies and magazines – that we start to get a skewed view of the world. And we start to expect it.

I was thinking about all of this when I heard the inspiring story of Anna Grodzka. Anna recently became the first openly transsexual individual in Europe to win a Parliamentary seat when she took her place among her colleagues in Poland. You can find the photos of Anna Grodzka with a quick search of the net. I know nothing about politics in Poland, but there’s no doubt in my mind that this one victory is a momentous one for Europe and the world. Anna won 18,000 votes in her district as a member of Poland’s new Palikot's Movement.

(Again, I don’t know much about Polish politics, but thanks to the wonder of Wikipedia, I can tell you that Palikot’s Movement is a left leaning organization that supports gay rights, same sex unions, and abortion in an otherwise politically conservative country. It is headed up by Janusz Palikot, a Polish businessman who made his money in vodka. Ah, vodka! Finally a topic I know something about. One does wonder how many social revolutions have been launched by vodka, but I digress.)

A graduate in psychology, Grodzka runs Trans-Fuzja, a foundation that supports some 1,000 transgender people in Poland. Founded in 2007, the foundation lobbies for legislation that would secure the rights of the group and offers direct help to its members. She told Polish television that her mission as an MP (Member of Parliament) is to, “familiarize people with transgenderism." She also said that she expected the “various unpleasantness” that she knew would accompany her run for office. Judging by the comments on her photos that accompanined the news story, that unpleasantness hasn’t stopped.

By now we’re all used to the uneducated, uniformed, and often prejudiced views expressed in the “Comments” sections of the internet. That’s the place after a news story where anyone can type in a response or reaction. On rare occasions, you might find that a news story has prompted an intelligent discussion. But most of the time, the comments you see are knee-jerk reactions to the story or to the people involved. Strange how the anonymity of the web that has given so many of us tv/cd/tg girls the freedom to express ourselves has also provided the perfect outlet for small-minded individuals to vent their hatred. I should be used to it now. But it still bugs me.

So true to form -- rather than commenting on the Anna’s bravery and courage to put herself out there, the haters online decided to focus on her appearance. (NOTE: There are plenty of messages of support for Anna on the net now, but the first comments I saw all seemed pretty negative.)

“Wow! That's one unattractive female. I hope she's happy.”

“Yikes. The transgender person is fooling no one.”

“OMG. She looks like Quasimodo.”

“Anna, I think I'd ask for my money back.”

I’m sorry to reprint mean and hateful comments like these. I wish I could take the time to respond to all of them. But I know that it’d be useless. For some, all that matters is appearances. Especially when it comes to women. And now that transsexuals are openly and confidently expanding into new fields and positions, we will be open to the same narrow-minded thinking.

Sadly, women have faced these small-minded insults for centuries. Any woman who tries to accomplish anything in business or politics will often hear the same. We hear derogatory comments all the time about female politicians, educators, scientists, and business people. It’s old fashioned thinking. It’s out-dated. And its about time that it stopped.

The thing is, Anna isn’t trying to be a model. She isn’t trying to be an actress or a fitness instructor or an entertainer of any kind. She’s trying to be a politician. She’s trying to change the way an entire nation thinks. Let’s see a model do that. Anna may not be a runway model, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be a role model.

As one commenter who came to Anna’s defense noted in a response to one of the jokesters, “The joke is on them — she is now a happy, confident women not hindered by skin deep chauvinistic criticism, pursuing humanistic goals and ideals for the betterment of humanity. She deserves more praise than any hot model for being able to be what she wants to be against the pressure of the snickering crowd.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself. But I will add this. There are two definitions of the word, “appearance.” One is “external show, outward aspect or look,” and this is the appearance that the commenters were commenting on. This is the appearance that too many of us – myself included – are obsessed with.

But there’s a second definition for “appearance”: “The act, action, or process of appearing,” or in other words, “showing up.” And that’s what Anna is doing… she’s showing up. Regardless of her political views, regardless of the length of her time in office, regardless of her success in affecting legislative change. Let it be remembered that Anna showed up. Despite the personal attacks she knew she was going to suffer. Despite living in a conservative country with deep ties to the Catholic Church. Despite having to hear juvenile comments when she’s trying to improve the lives of others.

Woody Allen once said that, “Eighty percent of success is showing up”. And that’s what Anna is doing right now. And, in contrast, that’s what most of the internet commentators aren’t doing. She showed up. Most of them wouldn’t dare show their faces. Or their names. It’s easy to take five seconds to jot down a stupid insult. But it often takes a lifetime of commitment, effort, ingenuity, and courage to make a change in the world, or in a community, or in a family, or in a circle of friends.

Before she started making changes in her life, Anna was Krzysztof Grodzki, and had a wife and a son. “I had a good life, filled with success and love,” she recalled. “But this sense that I was not myself inside always accompanied me.

“I decided to be a candidate for Palicot’s Movement because I want the voice of people who are excluded and discriminated against in the Polish political system to be heard,” she wrote in her blog. “I believe that little by little does the trick.”

Little by little. That is how change will come to the world. And to the transgender community. But at least it has begun. At least tv/cd/tg people are coming out of the closet and courageously starting to fight for our right to be ourselves. At least there are people like Anna. And that – as anyone with two good eyes and an open heart can see – is a beautiful thing.

Take care out there!

Be smart. Be safe. Be sexy!

Xoxo

CICI

Every Girl Has Got to Get Out Sometime

2012-01-12T15:34:00.004-05:00

Every girl needs to get out of the house sometimes, even when you’re not a girl 24/7. While going out isn’t the first step for a crossdresser or transwoman, it’s certainly a big one. Whether you’re going out on your own as a single girl or you’re heading out with your wife or partner, this can change how you feel about yourself. It can take more than a new tube of lipstick or a pair of heels to step outside your own front door and your comfort zone.

Practice makes perfect. Before you worry about dressing in public, get comfortable dressing in private, with or without your partner’s help. Figure out your bra size, learn to balance in heels and master the art of mascara. Get clothes that fit your frame and flatter your figure. Buy a wig you love and get the styling down pat. If you don’t have a best girlfriend to help you out, hit YouTube, fashion magazines and blogs. Feeling comfortable in your clothes and your skin will help give you the confidence you need to go out on the town.

If you’re single, you can head out when you feel ready, hopefully with the support of good friends. When you’re married or in a long-term relationship, this isn’t just your decision. You’re going to have to work this one out with your partner, and you may be ready long before she is or conversely, she may see it as no big deal and you’re a nervous wreck. Every relationship is different, but the two of you may want to come up with parameters for when you dress up, whether you go out alone or with her, and acceptable behavior when you’re dressed. These conversations will be a lot easier if there’s a basis of trust, particularly if you want to go out alone.

You may want to feel out the local environment alone or together. Check out the club scene and get to know some local girls, while you’re still wearing pants. If there’s not a trans-friendly club scene, maybe it’s time to schedule a mini-vacation to the nearest big city. Support groups with security and confidentiality agreements can help you get to know potential friends without risk or you can meet girls online. Having a girlfriend to show you the ropes on the first time out can make this nerve-wracking night downright fun. If you can, find a group that welcomes partners and consider planning a double date. Getting to know other couples, particularly couples who’ve been there and done that, can make the whole situation easier for both of you.

While no one’s advocating pressuring your partner, you can help her to feel safe and comfortable with your desires. She may not be ready for an average Saturday night at a night club, but might feel fine with you getting all dressed up on Halloween. Making your first trip out on Halloween can ease concerns about being seen and recognized and help both of you embrace a playful attitude toward what can be a pretty stressful night. Even in a small town or conservative environment, crossdressing is socially acceptable and not apt to raise any eyebrows for costume parties, Halloween pub crawls and similar activities.

If going out is still a no-go for your partner, even after you’ve done the support group thing, addressed the what-ifs and what-nots, you may be left with some hard and frankly, unfair, choices. The answer here depends on you and your priorities. There’s nothing wrong with deciding that you’re okay staying indoors and largely, in the closet. You may be willing to go out, without her acceptance or support and deal with the consequences. If you’re lucky, a bit more time and a few more conversations will let the two of you come to an agreement you can both live with and feel good about, whether that’s dressing whenever and wherever you please or finding a negotiated middle ground.

While we hate to even think about it, you do need to consider your personal safety. Violence against transwomen is a serious problem and a real risk. Simply put, you need to think like a girl to protect yourself. Use the buddy system. Take along your wife, a close friend, or any other warm body. There’s safety in numbers. Be aware of your surroundings and listen to your instincts. Even if you’re not totally out of the closet, make sure someone knows where you are. Think twice before you go home with someone, even if you’re single.

Sadness And Euphoria – A Special Holiday Message. A Blog by Cici Kitten for Suddenly Fem

2011-12-22T16:56:00.002-05:00

Happy Holidays from Cici Kitten and the Staff
at Suddenly Fem !

I’ve been fucking up a lot lately. Okay that’s probably not the best way to start off a holiday greeting. But it’s the truth. I have really been fucking up lately! I’ve been late to meetings at work. I’ve been going out way too much as CiCi. I’ve been spending way too much money (never a good thing right before the holidays). I’ve been neglecting my friends and family. I’ve even been missing my blog deadlines here at Suddenly Fem! (Okay, that last one’s not so out of the ordinary… much to the ongoing frustration of my webmaster.) But the point is, this hasn’t been a real productive Fall.

There could be lots of reasons for my thoughtlessness. Partying a little too much. Staying out too late. Not getting enough sleep. Dealing with some personal problems. Dealing with some financial problems.
All of which are true. All of which are contributing factors – no doubt about it. But the real reason I’ve been fucking up will probably surprise you.

It’s because I’m too happy. Way too happy. Nearly on the verge of insanity happy.

It’s something that I call “tgirl euphoria” and it can strike at any time. A fun night out. A fun night in. A new pair of boots arrive in the mail. A new pair of boobs arrive in the mail. You post some great pix. You receive some great comments. Or you just plain look in the mirror – and see yourself all dolled up – and you think, “OMFG! I’m actually doing it. I’m actually being my true self!”

It’s a high like no other. Personally, I think it comes from repressing and suppressing our feminine selves for so many years. So when we finally do indulge. When we finally let our “girl” out – she tends to go a little crazy.

Tgirl euphoria is particularly strong among new girls. And that makes sense. They’ve just let their girl out and they’re experiencing everything for the first time. Do you remember? Are you maybe feeling it now? From the first time dressing head-to-toe to the first time buying your own clothes (rather than stealing from your wife or girlfriend) to the first time buying a special outfit (like a glammy dress, a fetishy corset, or a pair of killer sky high heels). OMG, there are so many firsts. The first time going out (maybe even just for a short drive), the first time going out to a club, the first time going out with friends! Not to mention the sexy stuff! The first time kissing as a girl, the first time dating as a girl, the first time… well, you get the idea.

Total Tgirl Euphoria!

But it can strike more experienced girls too! It’s happened to me. All it takes is a good experience… or even the anticipation of a good experience. And wham bam thank you tran – I’m right back in it.

Not too long ago some of my co-workers thought I was actually high at work! They know about CiCi and they know that CiCi likes to party, so they were worried that perhaps my partying had overflowed into my work hours! Not a chance. I may get carried away at times, but I’m not that irresponsible. But there I was at work. Laughing a little too hard at some joke. Giggling a little to myself. No wonder they thought I was high!

Of course, I was high. But I wasn’t high on drugs. I was high on femininity. I was high on girlishness. I was high on lipstick and perfume and earrings and nails. I was high on heels!

And like all highs, TGE comes with its own side effects. Loss of focus. Short attention span. Easily distracted. Overly happy. Overly positive. Overly optimistic. A little self-centered. A little more self-centered. A lot more self-centered! Talking too much about ourselves. Blogging too much about ourselves (guilty as charged!). Obsessing too much about ourselves. The truth is, while in the throes of Tgirl Euphoria, the only reason our friends can even stand us is that they’re so caught up in their own Tgirl Euphoria they don’t even notice how crazy and self-centered we’ve become!

There are times when it suddenly seems like our vanilla lives don’t matter. Like our jobs don’t matter. Our bank accounts or credit card bills don’t matter. Cleaning the house doesn’t matter, mowing the lawn doesn’t matter. Sending out birthday cards or holiday greetings or getting to work on time doesn’t matter.

It really is like being a drug addict. I’ve never done anything like heroin, but I’ve heard stories of junkies who watch all the clean people around them going about their day, and the junkies wonder… “What are they doing? Don’t they know what they’re missing? Don’t they see how empty their lives are? Don’t they see that none of that boring, normal shit matters?”

But the boring shit does matter. The job. The bank account. The birthdays. The family. The friends.

And if you’re not careful… it can all slip through your hands.

We talk a lot about the bad stuff that can happen to tgirls out in the world. The insults. The indignities. The violence. But we probably don’t talk enough about the harm we can do to ourselves. And I’m not talking about the big things like addiction and suicide that are all too common in our world. I’m talking about the little things we can do every day – sometimes unconsciously; sometimes under the spell of TGE – to hurt our friends, to hurt ourselves, to fuck up our lives. Through selfishness. Through thoughtlessness. Through a big mix up in priorities.

Fortunately, euphoria is only a temporary state. We all have to come down (and calm down) at some point to pay the bills and take out the garbage. The danger comes when the “come down” becomes a “crash.” And the crash can be as low as the euphoria is high.

We get carried away when we’re high. We think that now that we’ve accepted our feminine side, everything else in our lives is finally going to fall into place. (And you know what? In some rare cases, that can actually happen.) But for most of us, indulging our feminine side will only be a fun hobby. A pleasurable pastime. An amazing escape.

And it’s a great escape! But unfortunately, it’s not a cure for all that ails us. It won’t make our jobs less boring, our bosses less bossy, our bank accounts much bigger (unless of course you really work it, girlfriend!), or our wives and girlfriends more loving and agreeable.

Nope. For most of us, we’ll still be stuck in our same hum-drum lives with our same hum-drum problems. And that realization can be devastating. Depression sets in. Dark clouds hover. And we start to doubt why we ever let our sexy, flirty little genies out of their bottles in the first place. I mean, where did it get us?

Where indeed?

The title of this blog was inspired by an old Billy Joel song, called “Summer, Highland Falls.” Perhaps you know it:

“How thoughtlessly we dissipate our energies
Perhaps we don't fulfill each other's fantasies
And as we stand upon the ledges of our lives
With our respective similarities
It's either sadness or euphoria”

There’s no real cure for the sadness. Just as there’s no real cure for the euphoria. The best we can do in either case is to ride it out and try to keep a level head. My advice? Aim for somewhere in the middle. A place on solid ground. A place in balance. Where male and female, family guy and glamour girl can live peacefully in the same, sane body.

Oh, and if you can figure out how to do that, let me know. I’ll help you bottle it and we’ll both make millions.

So why on earth is this a holiday blog? All this talk of drugs and highs and depression? Well I guess it’s not. It’s more of a New Year’s resolution blog. Because in the coming year, I’m going to try not to let myself get so high (or so low). I’m going to try to keep a little more balance in my life. Try to stay a little more focused. Try to enjoy myself without getting too high. Try to weather the lows with a little more grace.

And through it all, I hope to never forget to hold dear all those things that are really important to me. My family. My friends. My writing. And, of course, this wonderful sisterhood, where we – through all the giddy highs and somber lows – are bound together by some pretty amazing and wonderful “respective similarities.”

Merry Christmas, everyone! Happy Holidays. And a very happy New Year!

Take care out there!
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy!

xoxo,

CiCi

Coming out... By our new Writer, Cupcake. Stories about the transgendered life for Suddenly Fem

2011-12-07T20:11:00.001-05:00

Our New Writer ! Intro and Bio: We would like to introduce you to Cupcake. She is a GG (genetic girl) who has had extensive experience in friendship as well as relationships with M2F transgendered. She knows many people the transgendered and alternative lifestyle world and has even participated in groups involving counseling for transgendered and their partners. We hope you will be as excited and appreciative about her sharing her past and present experiences, and some guidance about relationships and how to navigate the sometimes complicated task of living full or part time as transgendered.

Article:

Carrying around a secret puts a strain on you, your relationship and your partner. Whether you're interested in bringing gender play into your bedroom or taking it out-and-about in public, talking about it is essential. If you're questioning your own gender identity and struggling with gender issues, support, affirmation and openness can help both of you to manage this challenging time. Talking may not come easy, but not telling is certain to be harder for both of you. Keep in mind that your happiness matters to your partner and if this is what you need to be happy, bless your heart, you do need to share.

There are some obvious times not to bring this up for discussion. The dinner table at Thanksgiving when your in-laws are over (unless you'd really prefer them not to come back next year), your anniversary or while you're out to dinner at your favorite restaurant come to mind quickly. There are a few less obvious absolute don'ts. Don't bring this up in bed. Naked equals vulnerable and this is definitely a pants-on conversation. Choose a private time and a neutral place for these initial discussions. A quiet dinner at home, a relaxing Sunday afternoon or over a cup of coffee on the back porch are better choices for a conversation that may be accompanied by anger, tears or stress.

Before you spill the news, think about what you need to share. While you may not know all the answers, expect to be asked what this means for your relationship, your sexual orientation and your lives together. Keep in mind that you've likely been mulling this over for a while. Your partner hasn't. Sure, she's had suspicions, but they may be way off base from your reality. If she spotted lingerie receipts or evidence of lipstick, adultery likely came to mind instead of crossdressing. Hey, she might be pleased with the alternative. Regardless of what she thought was going on, this is new information and may take some time to absorb and accept it before she can embrace helping you learn to walk in heels or shopping for falsies.

This isn't the time to hold back and you have to be prepared to 'fess up to anything and everything. If you've cheated, you're going to have to come clean for both your sakes. Your partner has a right to honest information about anything that might cause health concerns. While many partners can accept gender play, crossdressing or even an eventual gender transition, handling dishonesty and adultery is much harder. If you're looking at coming back after infidelity, marriage counseling may be a help. Shop around for a kink-friendly therapist to avoid any backlash related to crossdressing or transgender issues. This probably isn't the time to visit your minister for marital counseling.

If you've confided an interest that is largely confined to the bedroom or fetish parties, you may find your partner takes this in stride, particularly if she's usually, as Dan Savage says, “good, giving and game” or the two of you have experimented with kink before. Together, you can integrate dressing up into your time together in a playful and intimate way. For some couples, crossdressing adds shopping trips and make-up lessons to the relationship, but doesn't fundamentally change it.

A desire to dress and present in a feminine way in public or to transition and live as female full-time may be a bit harder for your partner to swallow. While she might handle things well if they're kept private, accepting a public transition can be much more challenging. Plan and talk through your first public outings together, perhaps planning them for out-of-town trips to allow you both to be more comfortable. If you're considering transitioning, a qualified and queer-friendly therapist is essential. Your partner may also want to look into support groups for partners of transfolk or a trans support group that integrates partners.

Realize that this conversation may not be over, even if you're feeling done. The two of you may need to negotiate dressing up, boundaries and the parameters that make your relationship work. While you need support through these changes, so too does your partner. If you can offer reassurance and continue to build upon the stable and loving foundation of your relationship, the two of you will weather this bump in your relationship as if it wasn't more than a slight smear in your lipstick.

The Beginning of the End - By Cici Kitten. Blog for Suddenly Fem - Crossdresser.com

2011-11-23T16:18:00.001-05:00

I’ve been meeting a lot of new girls lately. Here online. Out at clubs. Maybe because of this blog. Or maybe because of the fact that I spend way too much time online, and post photos of myself on every available website known to man -- but I tend to hear from new girls a lot. Some are just starting to dress. Some are considering going out for the first time. Some have been out once or twice. But they all have questions. Lots of them! Just like I used to have. So I try to help – just as the more experienced girls helped me when I was starting out. It meant the world to me then. I mean, it literally changed my life.

I still contend that I’m not an expert. (My friends tease me because I still apply my makeup with my fingers! Some day I’ll learn how to use those amazing new devices they call -- brushes!) So I still have a lot to learn myself. But after five years of being out and about in LA’s active scene, I hope I’ve learned a few things.

So I do my best to help them. But I wonder if they know how much they help me. I get such a charge out of the new girls – particularly the girls I meet out in clubs. You can practically feel the electricity in the air around them. The excitement. The nervousness. The combustible combination of both excitement and nerves! If I spend a few minutes with a new girl, it all comes back to me. The memories of how scared I was. How nervous I was. But also… how determined I was. Because let’s face it, no typical male in typical American society straps on a pair of high heeled pumps, slithers into a skintight mini, and heads off into the night without a certain amount of courage… and a whole lot of determination!

I especially remember the relief I felt once I was at one of LA’s tgirl clubs. I’m always a little tense out in the world. But inside one of those clubs… you feel the sisterhood… you feel the music… you feel the drinks(!), and you start to relax. These clubs were the only places where I could be out in public and feel accepted. The only places where I could truly be myself. And that’s when that TGE sets in… T-Girl Euphoria! That amazing high you get from being dressed up, glammed up, worked up – and just plain fed up with trying to be normal. It’s that moment when you feel the “girl” in you come to the surface. When she takes over your body and soul. When you finally feel free.

For all of us former closet cases, it’s a feeling like no other. And it’s particularly strong in newbies – the girls who are experiencing it for the first time. It’s intoxicating. And it always makes me smile. (Unless of course the newbie is a skinny little, pretty little, cute-as-hell 20-something, in which case I usually respond in an embarrassing fit of jealous rage and green-eyed envy.)

Just teasing.

But all those exciting beginnings ironically bring me to my next point: Endings. I have a lot of friends in their 40’s and 50’s – and the topic comes up from time-to-time. When am I going to “retire”? When am I going to call it quits? When am I going to hang up the heels for good?

For me, … even though I’m now looking at my 40’s in the rear view mirror,.. I still feel like I’m just getting started. So I’m not thinking about “retirement” at all. But I have to tell you, some of my friends feel differently.

Now, to be quite honest, my friends and I are not on the TS path. We aren’t looking to transition. We have no intention of living 24/7 – and we never did. For the most part, most of my friends are what I would call “party girls.” We go to the clubs, the fetish events, the tgirl parties – but, for the most part, we don’t get involved in heavy relationships or political lobbying or any of the more serious aspects of tg life. This is more of a hobby for us. We like to dress up, go out on Saturday nights, dance our asses off, and hope that we can somehow drag our sorry butts back into work on Monday morning.

We’re also – if we’re completely honest – a little bit superficial. And I mean that in the best way possible -- if there is a “best way” to be superficial. But what I mean is that we try very hard to look good. To maybe turn a few heads when we enter a room.

Certainly not the most noble motivation in the world. But that’s who we are – fun, sexy, superficial girls. And, for what it’s worth, damn proud of it.

(To be honest, I’m selling myself and my friends way short by calling us superficial. The truth is, most of these girls, as men, have professional careers, active lives, and are wonderful husbands and fathers. Most of them are extremely thoughtful about everything they do – including their dressing. All I’m saying is that in our approach to our T-life, we’re really just hobbyists. We’re in it for the fun and the thrill of dressing up and feeling girlie for a few hours.)

So like I was saying… we like to turn a few heads. But the question is… what happens when the heads stop turning? When we no longer get all of those sweet compliments on our profile pix? What happens when the focus really does go to the hot little 20-somethings I mentioned above?

And it’s not like this problem is specific to tgirls. GG’s have been going through this same, depressing aging process for years. In a way, I guess this is the downside of the life we’ve always craved… the girlie life. And as any real “girlie” knows – it’s hell to get old!

So what will we do? Give it all up? Cling desperately to our youth? Or gracefully allow ourselves to mature and pour our energies into some of the other aspects of tg life? (I imagine that there are other aspects of tg life – apart from trying to look hot. It’s just that, as a superficial girl, I have no idea what those aspects might be.)

But perhaps I should look into a few of them.

I guess what my friends will do is what they’ve always done… they’ll be themselves. And that will lead them down whatever path makes the most sense for them. We all got into this for different reasons… and with different motivations… so I guess, in a way, it’s only fitting that we exit the same way.

As for me, after a lifetime of gender-related frustration followed by five or six years of pretty intense CiCi-ness, I don’t think I could ever just walk away. Even in sensible shoes.

I just think that eventually my life will have to change. And at that point, I can either leave the scene or find a new role. Helping new girls. Getting involved in event planning or may be even doing some of the (horror of horrors) tgirl political stuff I’ve always avoided. I mean, after all that this life has given to me, I really would like to give back at some point.

So what do you think the cut off date is? When is it time for girls of a certain age to stop going to clubs, stop trying to shout above the music, and, literally, evacuate the dance floor?

I guess like everything else in this crazy, complicated, make-it-up-as-you-go-along world, it’s an individual decision. It’s a feeling that just comes over you. Like any other Saturday night. You look around, you finish your drink, you glance at the clock, and you just know… it’s time to leave the party.

Take care out there!

Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy.

Xoxo,

CiCi

Phantom Pain - A Suddenly Fem Blog for Crossdressing Tgirls

2011-10-12T17:32:00.000-04:00

There are stories told about amputees. Guys who have lost a leg. And the stories go that sometimes they can still feel aches there. Or they’ll reach to scratch an itch. And the leg has been gone for years. It’s phantom pain. Pains connected with something that’s no longer there.

I have pains like that. Not for any particular body part. (I’m still working with all of my original equipment.) But for my life and for my relationships. For things left undone or incomplete. For dreams unrealized. For friends and family I’m no longer close with.

Most tgirls will tell you that once they started following their feminine passions, they became much happier. More fulfilled. More content. And I’m definitely one of those girls. My emotional state has done a complete 180 degree turn in the past four or five years. Just when I was beginning to settle into the depths of a classic midlife depression, my feminine side woke up, kicked me in the ass (with a pair of fire engine red thigh high boots), and totally re-invigorated what had become a pretty stagnant life.

And I couldn’t be happier. I still have no idea where this is all leading. But I couldn’t be happier.

That doesn’t mean there haven’t been sacrifices. Regrets. Conflicted feelings. Nothing is ever absolute in this world. Nothing’s ever perfect. And every time we choose one thing – no matter how positive and correct that decision is – we also choose not to do about a billion other things.

I live 3000 miles away from most of my family, so I don’t get to see them very often. They know nothing of CiCi and I’m not certain when, if ever, I will tell them. But I do get to keep in touch with them – mostly through Facebook. So I know a little bit about their lives. And those lives couldn’t be more different than mine.

Whether I’m willing to admit it or not, I live a pretty alternative lifestyle. I’m gay (or bi), I’m obviously transgendered, and I spend a lot of time in dark, edgy bars that most of my brothers back East would never be caught dead in. I could be wrong of course, but I don’t think any of my close family members or old friends have ever spent much time in a dungeon. And I often wonder what they would think if they knew that I have.

The lives I see through the magic of Facebook, are not that different from the life I lived when I grew up. The life I would be living if I had stayed back East. I know that my feminine urges are strong, but if I’d stayed back East I’m sure I wouldn’t have gotten the encouragement or felt the freedom to really connect with my feminine side. I’m pretty sure that I would have gotten married, had some kids, and raised a family. I probably would have bought a house in some suburban town, and I would have taken my kids to soccer practice or ballet recitals – just as my parents did for us. Just as my brothers now do for their kids.

There are a lot of people who live alternative lifestyles because they never bought into the American dream. They never wanted the big house in the nice neighborhood with the white picket fence, two cars in the garage, and 2.5 children to raise. Many in the alternative crowd grew up in that world, found it stifling, and now they want no part of it. They are the alternative crowd precisely because that’s what they wanted… an alternative to the mainstream.

And then there’s people like me. People who embraced mainstream ideals. People who dreamed the American dream. People who wanted that dream so bad they could taste it. But they just couldn’t reach it. And they could never figure out why it never worked for them. No matter how hard they tried.

I’ve worked really hard. But I’ve never climbed the corporate ladder. People love my work. I always get great annual reviews. But I never seem to get any raises or promotions. I’m never seen as “management material.” I bought a house, but I lost it. I got married, but we’re now separated. I couldn’t have children of my own (thanks, chemotherapy!!), but I did help raise a stepson. Unfortunately, we spent most of his formative years in total disagreement with each other. So the family bond that most people feel with their kids just isn’t there for me. (From his point of view, I was an interloper, an unwanted intruder, and quite literally, a motherfucker. Certainly not the best base for a good relationship.)

The funny thing is, when I look at those things I’ve just listed. Career. House. Wife. Family. Those weren’t my big dreams. Those were my minimums! I just assumed I’d have all of those. Most of my dreams and fantasies were focused on bigger things. Not just having a career, but being really successful at it. Not just having one house, but maybe having two. You know, a main house and a summer home. Even a small cabin. That would have been nice. That’s what I was concentrating on. Big stuff. And, as you might expect, while I was doing that, a lot of the “smaller” things slipped away.

Now you’re probably wondering what all of this has to do with my trans nature. And I’m honestly not sure. But I have to believe it played a role some how. I’ve spoken about this before, but while I was not able or ready to embrace my feminine side when I was younger, I was aware that something was off. That something didn’t quite fit. And while that’s certainly a surmountable condition when it comes to building a career or raising a family (many of my tv/cd friends have done it), it also doesn’t help. Most successful people are confident. Sure of themselves. Comfortable in their own skin. And I was none of those things.

I think I’ve written about this before. But to me, it’s as though I’ve been driving and I’ve suddenly hit a patch of black ice. I didn’t see it coming. I was being careful. And yet here I am, sliding helplessly across the ice. As I slide, I can see where I wanted to go. Where I expected to go. But I’m headed in the other direction now. Slipping further and further from the original path.

I can still see the other path. It looks a lot like the life I lived as a child. The life my parents worked so hard to achieve. I see it on the Facebook pages of my friends and family back East. Their postings about weddings and graduations and births. Of soccer tournaments won and academic awards received. Of cool trips to historic landmarks or exotic lands.

Some of you are probably already yawning. But I really wanted that stuff! I guess I could respond in kind and make my own boastful, braggy Facebook posts about my life. But all of my achievements in the past few years have been trans related. And the only trips I’ve taken have been to tgirl parties or fetish events. Not exactly the kind of stuff I want to share with Aunt Doris. And certainly not the kind of stuff that’s going to impress the old high school friends or college buddies.

Maybe some day I’ll be ready to share this side of me. But until then I’ll just be an observer on my vanilla Facebook page. I’ll watch vicariously as my friends and brothers go about living the life that I was supposed to live. And I’ll try to be happy for them.

Now, at this point, a lot of you are probably thinking, “WTF!! What’s with this girl? All she’d doing is whining about what she doesn’t have… feeling sorry for herself when she’s made it perfectly clear that she’s very happy with all that her tv life has brought her!”

And you’re absolutely right. That’s all I’m doing… whining. Feeling sorry for myself. Like most of us, I want it all. In one of his songs, the aptly named, “Beautiful Loser,” Bob Seeger said, “She wants her home and security. She wants to live like a sailor at sea.” And that’s the way I want it. The mainstream and the alternative. The safe home and the life of adventure. But of course, you can’t have both. At least most of us mere mortals can’t have both. (Most of us mere mortals can barely have one!)

I recently moved out of my house into a place that had a room for rent. It’s a small house and a small room, but it has a really nice pool out back. One of the things that I particularly like about the pool is that it’s totally private. The original owner built a big wall around the pool, and because there are no two-story buildings nearby, no one can see inside. That means that I can sunbathe naked or in a bikini… and I never have to worry about anyone seeing me. Sweet! It’s a great perk. And one that I never expected to find – especially at the monthly rate I’m paying.

But here’s the interesting thing. On the other side of the wall is a park. So as I lay on my lounge chair soaking up rays and getting those cool bikini tan lines, I can hear the sounds of kids and families on the other side of the wall. The family barbecues, the soccer and wiffle ball games, the shrieks and cries of delight, and the sobbing when some poor kid gets hurt. And once again, there it is. The life I expected to live. Right there on the other side of that wall. Literally just a few feet away from me. Most of the families who use the park are Latino, so I don’t understand most of what is being said. And yet I can picture it perfectly. The fun dads, the doting moms, the slightly inebriated uncles, and the squabbling kids fighting over whose turn it is to bat next or kick next or eat next.

So I lay there in the sun, my head filling once again with those regrets. Those phantom pains. And I wish for the close family I never had. I wish for the successful career I never achieved. I wish for the “normal” life I never experienced.

But you know what? In spite of all those regrets, do you know what I wish for more than anything? I wish my old high school buddies could see how hot I look in this bikini!

Maybe I made the right choice after all.

Take care out there!

Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy!

xoxo,

CiCi

You Might Be A TGirl (Parts I and II)

2011-09-20T12:34:00.001-04:00

Why do we love lists? I have no idea why I’m drawn to them. Online, on television, in some old magazine in the dentist’s office. Best cities in the world. Worst cities in the world. Even if the topic is nothing I care about – “Top Ten Muscle Cars Introduced Before 1975!” – I’m still drawn in. (I’m tempted here to list my Top Ten reasons that I love lists, but I’ll resist.)

And why on earth do I like Jeff Foxworthy? He probably wouldn’t make my own Top Ten list of favorite comedians. But every time I catch a bit of his act on cable, I find myself laughing. A guilty pleasure I guess. Maybe it’s because I know so many people with a little bit (or a lot!) of redneck in them. Or maybe it’s because deep down in my heart, I know I’ve got a little bit (or a lot!) of redneck in me.

So with my apologies to those who are tired of lists. And with big apologies to Jeff Foxworthy for appropriating his routine, here are a couple of my lists…

Part I
1. If you think that clothing styles designed for a 16 year old girl look absolutely fabulous on a 52 year old man, you might be a t-girl.

2. If you’ve ever spent 3 hours getting dressed up and putting makeup for men on just to take a 3 minute drive around the block, you might be a tgirl.

3. If you were the last person on your street to still own and operate a Polaroid camera, you might be a cross dresser.

4. If, after 6 years of trying, you still can’t properly apply false eyelashes, you might be a tgirl.

5. If you set out every night to look like Kelly Bundy, but always wind up looking more like Peg Bundy (and you’re really relieved that you don’t look like Al Bundy), you might be a tgirl.

6. If you’ve ever duct taped your naughty parts, you might be a tgirl.

7. If you’re walking like a man, hitting like a hammer, tasty like a raindrop… you might be a cross dresser. (And, baby, you’ve got the look!)

8. If the classic rock station on your personal Pandora inexplicably contains cuts by Pink, Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus, you might be a tgirl. (“Heyyyyyy-eyyy-eyyyy! It’s a party in the USA!”)

9. If curators from the Smithsonian are calling you for advice on the storage of large quantities of digital photographs, you might be a tgirl.

10. Too much make-up? Not enough dresses for men? You might be a t-girl.

Part II
1. If your daughter-in-law now forbids you to see your grandchildren (even though a month ago you were their favorite Pop Pop), you might be a tgirl.

2. If you’ve ever been fired from your job due to trace amounts of nail polish found on your pinkie finger, you might be a tgirl.

3. If, as a child, you were forbidden to wear the clothes you liked best because, as your Dad said, “No son of mine is going to act like some fruit,” you might be a tgirl.

4. If, in most states, you can’t legally marry the person you love most – no matter how much you want to wear that pretty white gown -- you might be a tgirl.

5. If the kids at your school are now using the power of the internet and social media to harass and bully you 24 hours a day to the point that you’re seriously considering suicide, you might be tgirl.

6. If you’re continually excluded from legislation designed to support other disenfranchised populations such as gays and lesbians, you might be a crossdresser.

7. If you’ve ever been shot and killed by your eighth grade classmate because you asked him to be your Valentine, you might be a tgirl.

8. If onlookers have ever failed to come to your rescue while you were being savagely beaten in a public place, like say… a McDonald’s, you might be a tgirl.

9. If law enforcement officials have commented on the attacks visited upon you and your friends as significantly more vicious than the typical hate crime, you might be a tgirl.

10. If you’ve read this entire post, and yet, nothing’s going to stop you from slipping into a hot new pair of stilettos for men and dancing your ass off this weekend… you’re definitely a tgirl.

Take care out there!
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy!

xoxo,
CiCi

What Have You Done Lately?

2011-08-30T13:12:00.001-04:00

Brianna Austin has been a writer/ reporter/ columnist in the transgender community since 2000. She is witty, charasmatic, honest and quite the woman. She has allowed SuddenlyFem to post some of her personal blogs to do what we always try to do here, get involoved in the crossdressing and transgender community, keep you informed and get you thinking!

Transgender Warriors Paved The Way So That You Could Go Out on Saturday nights. How Can You Contribute to Advancing Tolerance?

Within every community there are those that find a cause, injustice or revolution for which they can embrace and become passionate. As a community the gay rights movement demonstrates the power of unified concerns and the tenacity of a common goal. Victor Hugo said it best: "There is nothing as powerful as an idea whose time has come." It seems of late that the transgender movement's time has come.

Most of us are old enough to have lived through the civil and gay rights movements, feminism and the sexual revolution. Nowadays you see the term and the images of transgender everywhere - in the news, in feature films and on television sitcoms. But in recent years the perception of transgender people by the mainstream seems to have shifted just a bit, and we are portrayed as someone's brother, cousin or father - in other words we are just regular people with a slightly different lifestyle.

In the larger metropolitan cities around the world we have become familiar, even if we are in some cases not totally accepted, yet that is something that many of us take for granted. Our ability to step out in the light of day was paved by transgender warriors before us, who refused to be less than who they were. And it was that fearless and unrelentless commitment that makes your Saturday night romps possible. They risked losing friends, family, careers, and enduring arrest, mental and/or physical abuse and being socially exiled.

In every movement there are those that put themselves out there as beacon's of light, in many different ways, to guide those in the shadows and that is still true today. But the real question is WHAT HAVE YOU DONE LATELY? Isn't this part of your community too, isn't this part of who you are? Believe it or not it does not take much to make a difference. Some say, "I can't be in the spotlight - I have to much to lose". So they attend the local events to "get" what they need and call it a day.

Rose Royale stood before a packed house at the first annual Qwe're Music Fest this summer in NYC in 2002 and in her soft spoken way challenged the gay, lesbian, trans-variant and transgender community to be inclusive and respectful of one another.
I realized at that moment that everyone could contribute in a powerful way. You don't have to be a political activist, columnist, performer, celebrity or necessarily visible at all to make a difference - all you have to do is care. "I help out when I can" Rose said to me in a recent interview. Rose, who refers to herself as part drag-queen and part transgender, told me that "if I help one person it makes it all worth while".

So what can you do? Below is a short list.

If you have any other suggestions please leave a comment below.

1. Respect One Another - Our different opinions, perspectives, and experiences make us rich. Engage in ideas not debate
2. Be A Postive Light - Simply be kind to the person next to you.
3. Be Proud - of who you are and be of good nature when around those in and outside the community.
4. Educate - the Ignorant and Misinformed. Rose says "I can't live angry, some people really don't understand". Don't respond with anger, take just a moment to educate if the person is willing to listen.
5. Be A Mentor - Provide advice, experience, friendship, or support to someone just coming out.
6. Support Our Allies - The event promoters, performers, publications, foundations, and retailers provide the creative energy and dollars to expand our universe - support their efforts so they can continue their work.
7. Spread The Word - If you see, read, hear or experience something that moves you, tell a friend - or two, or three.

We are a melting pot of society who outwardly expresses ourselves more openly than most of the mainstream. We can make of this community, our community, and the way it is perceived by the mainstream, whatever we as a group, are willing to visualize.

Be Victorious Where You Stand - Make a difference.

Read more about and from Brianna at her website: http://briannaaustin.com/

This Is For All the Lonely People

2011-08-24T14:51:00.001-04:00

Some of my friends have been feeling pretty lonely lately. So this is goes out to them.

We’ve all been there!

I heard that Dan Peek died the other day. Now, I have to be honest, I had no idea who Dan Peek was. But he was one of the members of the folk rock group, America. I liked their music, but I was never really a big fan. I don’t own any of their albums and I never saw them “live.” But if you grew up in the 70’s as I did, then the music of America was part of the AM radio soundtrack of your life.

I knew the songs, but I knew none of the players until Peek passed away. I probably wouldn’t have even finished reading his obit, until I came upon the fact that he had written the song, “Lonely People.” “Lonely People” was a hit song for America – but it doesn’t seem to have had the staying power of some of their other songs like “Ventura Highway” or “A Horse with No Name.”

But it sure meant a lot to me.

“Lonely People” did reach the Top Ten back in 1975. That was the year that I was 14 years old and a freshman in high school. Those were pretty interesting times for me. I’d always been a fairly popular kid in elementary school. But something went off track in junior high. All of a sudden all of the boys – who had previously hated girls – were now interested in them. Very interested. I was great at kickball and dodge ball and hide-and-go-seek. But when it came to girls, I was lost. The whole dating/flirting scene in junior high caught me completely off guard. And I was totally overwhelmed by it.

It seemed that everything I did was wrong. Or, at the very least, awkward. I was quiet when I should have spoken up. I spoke up when I should have held my tongue. I was bold when I should have hung back. And I hung back when I should have gone for it. I knew all the rules and strategies to kickball. But when it came to girls, it seemed like there were no rules. And I was completely oblivious to any strategy.

By the time I reached high school and my freshman year, I was paralyzed. Literally. I was so afraid that I might do or say the wrong thing, that I just didn’t do anything. I stopped trying. In kickball terms, I took myself out of the game and I sat myself on the bench.

Ironically, to most people, it probably seemed that I did okay in high school. I got good grades. I did well in sports. It was just in social situations that I froze up. On one occasion, I remember literally running away from a situation where I knew I was going to have to talk to a girl. All of that sports training came in handy. I ran really fast.
So while others may remember me as a pretty normal kid, I remember myself as a kid who was dying inside. A bundle of nerves. Petrified. I spent a lot of time surrounded by friends, and yet, I remember feeling very alone… and lonely.

And that’s where Dan Peek comes in. Or, at least, that’s where Dan Peek’s song comes in:

“This is for all the lonely people
Thinking that life has passed them by.
Don’t give up until you drink from the silver cup.
You never know until you try.”

Now if you’re expecting me to now write about how I heard that song and it changed my life and I began to exude a confidence and a charisma that transformed me into a regular high school Romeo, well that’s not my story. I didn’t transform. I pretty much left high school the same way I went in. Awkward. Shy. Confused. And Lonely.
But that doesn’t mean that the song didn’t help. It let me know that even though I was lonely, I wasn’t alone. That there were others like me. (And yes, even at age 14, I was already strangely feeling as though life had passed me by!)

Fortunately, I started to gain more confidence when I got to college. And when CiCi finally came around as I was turning 40 (talk about feeling as though life had passed me by!) -- my confidence really started to blossom. CiCi basically helped me to feel comfortable in my own skin – where I had once felt awkward. She helped me to speak my mind – where I once felt shy. And she somehow helped me to feel comfortable around both men and women – the same way I felt in the pre-adolescent days of my kickball youth.

So that has me wondering. Where CiCi was when I was in junior high? Or high school? Where was she hiding? Was she deep inside me? Repressed? Suppressed? And, if so, then what kind of effect did she have on me during those years? Did I already know on some level that I was gay? (I was a pretty naïve kid. I knew nothing about heterosexual sex back then. Forget about homosexual sex. I honestly don’t think I knew what “gay” really meant.)

And transgender feelings? I know I had them. Fleeting thoughts. Exciting visions. Like the other young boys I liked to look at the cute junior high school girls in their trendy fashions. It’s just that now, looking back, I realize that the other boys wanted to date those girls, while I wanted to be one of those girls. (A pretty big difference.)
Now, I have to be honest. I was talking with a few good friends of mine in the tgirl scene about our developing years. And one of my friends basically called me out. “Everyone felt awkward in junior high,” she said – maintaining that my problems weren’t caused by my transgendered nature – they were caused by my human nature. And that every kid goes through an awkward stage. Heck, many of them never grow out of them!

On some level, I suppose she was right. There aren’t too many adults running around wishing that they were 13 or 14 again. Sixteen maybe. Eighteen definitely. But not thirteen. Thirteen was tough for everyone. Transgendered or not.

So I guess I could be wrong. But I still think there was something more going on with me. More than just typical adolescent angst. It could have been a lot of things. But in my heart of hearts, I think that the prospect of facing romantic or even sexual encounters just felt wrong to me. Not because I was too young. Or too naïve. (And I was both of those.) It was like I was playing kickball again, but I didn’t know which team I was supposed to be playing for. I didn’t know who I was supposed to be rooting for.

As I write this, 36 years after “Lonely People” hit the Top Ten, I find myself in touch with tgirls all over the world. Thanks to the internet, we have an online community that would have been impossible in the 1970’s. And yet, as I chat with many of the girls, I can see that one thing from those days hasn’t changed – despite worldwide connectivity – a lot of us are still lonely.

It’s kind of ironic. A few years ago I wrote a blog called “High School 2.0.” In that blog I wrote about the parallels I saw between tgirl life and high school life. The cliques. The focus on fashion. The excitement of flirting and new romance. But when I wrote that, I don’t think I mentioned the loneliness (one of the most prevailing themes of high school life). And I must say, if you thought loneliness was bad at age 13 or 14, let me warn you. It isn’t any easier at 46. Or 53. Or 62.

Many of the girls that I have befriended – both in person and online – are older entries into the tgirl life. In other words, like me, they didn’t accept or embrace their feminine side until later in life – their late 30’s or early 40’s. Or for some, even later. And while that acceptance has been, for the most part, a positive step. It’s not without its dilemmas and difficulties. Wives or families who don’t understand. Confused sexual feelings. Mind-blowing shake-ups in our personal sense of self.

And loneliness. Once again feeling as though no one understands. Or cares. Or wants to get close to us crossdressers. And btw… just because you’re having a lot of sex, and touching a lot of people, that doesn’t mean you’re actually getting close to them. Or allowing them to get close to you. (Just ask any teenager.)

So what are we all to do, all of us lonely people? And what if there is no cure? What if loneliness is as much a part of middle age as it was a part of adolescence? There’s a scary thought for you.

When I was a kid I used to ponder that one line: “Don’t give up until you drink from the silver cup.” And I always wondered what that meant. I always wondered what was in the cup.

For Dan, the songwriter, I get the feeling it was his faith. Dan Peek left America at the height of their fame in the late 1970’s. He was apparently having trouble justifying the rock-and-roll lifestyle with his developing faith. And he went on to become one of the leaders of the Christian music scene. As I understand it, he even recorded a Christian version of “Lonely People.”

Now I’m not a religious person but I have to hand it to Dan. He found something that would sustain him – even in the darkest of days. And he had the courage to claim it. To own it. And he gave up a lot of fame and money in order to fully embrace it.

Dan Peek’s silver cup was full of faith. I wonder what mine is full of? And I wonder what’s in yours.

Please don’t give up until you find out.

Take care out there.
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy.

xoxo,
CiCi

Styling and Caring for your Wig...Tips and Tricks!

2011-08-10T12:47:00.004-04:00

With our Summer Clearance upon us—ending in one month to the day!—I wanted to focus on wig care because our wigs are now at the lowest prices we’ve ever offered! It is extremely important to properly care for your wigs if you want to get the most wear possible. Our large cap wigs for men are made of premium hair fibers and actually very easy to maintain! My crossdressing customers typically ask the following:

How often should I wash a wig?
Typically, a wig should be washed about every 6 to 8 wearings - but this is also a personal decision. You should consider washing the wig if the style begins to lose its luster, becomes more difficult to style or feels less fresh than when first wearing it. If you are particularly active, then clean the wig at least once a week to remove dirt and perspiration.

How do I clean my large cap wig?
First you want to comb gently to remove tangles, then turn it inside out. Add a capful of specifically formulated wig shampoo to cold water, and soak the wig for about five minutes. Swirl gently without rubbing the wig (very important)! Rinse thoroughly in clean water. Blot with a towel to remove excess water. *While wig is still wet do not rub, wring, twist, brush or comb the wig. Turn the wig right side out again and place directly on wig drying stand. I recommend spritzing the wig thoroughly with specifically formulated wig conditioner (do not rinse out). Air dry at room temperature (and out of direct sunlight). Never use heat on a synthetic wig in an attempt to dry the wig faster!

How do I get it back to my original style or maybe even a new one?
Simply shake the wig out to "wake" the style again. Then brush or comb wig into desired look. Do not brush a curly synthetic wig - finger style or use a pick comb instead. You can spray to hold your wig in place, however, if you do overspray it you will have to wash more often because certain hairsprays will flake and look a bit like dandruff.

How can I keep my transgender wig fresher longer?
Only use professional hair products designed for wigs, like shampoo and conditioner which have been specifically formulated for this purpose. Avoid using standard hair brushes, which can overstretch and damage the wig. When brushing the wig, start at the ends and work gradually toward the root. At the end of each day, spritz with spray-on conditioner to maintain luster and manageability, and remove tangles.

Choosing the correct wig style for men to properly frame your face and achieve the look you desire can be hard with the large selection that is available at our crossdressing super store. Color choice can also be a bit difficult. If you ever find yourself needing assistance do not hesitate to call Danielle at our customer service number 215-881-9740 or e-mail at bvp5000@aol.com.

The Problem Is Me

2011-08-03T11:54:00.007-04:00

There’s been a lot of political talk lately about the status of transgenders. There have been victories – the state of New York approved gay marriage (which is sure to affect many TV/CD/TG girls), and the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) was recently held up in order to make it transgender-inclusive.

Yet, it still bothers people that the transgender community hasn’t made more headway in both political and social circles. We just observed the 42nd anniversary of the Stonewall Riots in NYC. Those riots were a flashpoint for the gay community – and since that event, gays and lesbians have made great strides in society as a whole. But what about us? What about transgendered folks? How much progress have we made?

The great irony here is that Stonewall and many of the other early gay rights protests were started by transgenders or occurred at clubs where TG persons where known to hang out.

So what exactly is the problem? Obviously, there’s no one problem. Like all societal issues, this is a complicated matter with a variety of forces working for us and against us. But it seems to me that the key problem is a simple one. An obvious one:

Visibility.

Gays and lesbians struggled with this same problem years ago. But little by little they became more visible. They literally came out. They launched a movement from Stonewall and they haven’t stopped since. And there have been setbacks. Huge setbacks. I remember when AIDS was first called, GRID (Gay Related Immune Deficiency). AIDS caused a backlash among conservatives and the religious right who saw the disease as God’s retribution for an immoral lifestyle. This caused a lot of stress and distress in the community (particularly among gays who considered themselves religious). But at the same time, the backlash only seemed to strengthen the movement’s resolve. Having a very loud (and often obnoxious) adversary seemed to fire up the gays and lesbians even more. “We’re here. We’re queer. Get used to it!”

The result? By the time AIDS had been in the national consciousness for ten or fifteen years (and beloved basketball star Magic Johnson had admitted that he had AIDS), homosexuals were coming out in droves. Even celebrities. Even politicians. People who once thought they had a lot to lose by being gay now saw power in personal honesty. In truthfulness. In a confident sense of self.

The media – always a strong indicator of society’s acceptance (sometimes by leading, sometimes by following) – was now peopled with gay figures. Tom Hanks won an Oscar for his role in “Philadelphia.” Ellen Degeneres’ first onscreen lesbian kiss was a ratings bonanza. And Elton John’s Academy Awards Night Party became one of the premier events of Hollywood’s most glamorous night.

Television shows from the more comic (“Will and Grace,” “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”) to the more serious (“The L Word,” “Queer as Folk”) became successes. New Hampshire ordained a gay bishop.

The transgender community also made great strides – although in much more modest circles. RuPaul (a cult favorite in the 90’s) became a verifiable media franchise in the new millennium. Movies from “Girls Don’t Cry” and “Transamerica” to “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert” became hits, if not blockbusters. And the staged version of “Priscilla” is now doing well on Broadway. Candis Cayne appeared in the short lived television series, “Dirty, Sexy, Money,” and Chastity Bono (quite publically) has transitioned from a woman to a man.

All very positive signs. And yet, there hasn’t been a corresponding movement among the general public. At least, it doesn’t seem to me that there has.

Now, as an active member of the TV/CD community these past five years, I have seen many of my friends in the community come out, or begin living 24/7, or begin physically transitioning. But, my point is, if I wasn’t in this community, I would know very few openly transgendered people. As a comparison, I work at a fairly large (and fairly liberal) four-year university. We have a staff of thousands, and yet in the five years that I’ve worked there, I’ve met only one openly TG girl on staff. (She was only a part-time worker, and she didn’t last long.) On the other hand, there are many openly gay and lesbian staff members in nearly every division of our school.

In other words, we still have a long way to go. And I can already hear the many reasons and excuses for this situation. Many of them quite valid. By coming out, a tg man or woman risks their job, their marriage, their visitation rights to their children -- not to mention risking being ostracized from their friends and family and from society as a whole.

But the sad truth is… our gay brothers and lesbian sisters faced those very same risks. And they still face those same risks today in the form of family pressures, religious teachings, prejudice on the job, and simple small town backward thinking.

But they still keep coming out. So what’s our excuse?

Drag queens have always been out – and thanks to TV shows like “RuPaul’s Drag Race” and “Trantasia” – they are perhaps more visible than ever. Some will argue that drag queens really belong more properly in the gay category (if you’re into categorizing your TG sisters), while others insist that drag performers perpetuate old flamboyant stereotypes of the TG lifestyle. But you know what? Drag queens still provide our most visible and our most public connection to mainstream society.

Transsexuals are pretty much out by definition. These are individuals who have physically transformed themselves (usually through surgical means) into the gender of their own choosing and now live 24/7 that way. But while very visible, many TS girls prefer to blend into society, and many go to great lengths to hide their male pasts. This is their choice, of course. Not everyone is Chastity Bono. Not everyone is comfortable in the public eye. And most importantly, many of these individuals – male and female – have survived a lifetime full of shame, and fear, and pain – both physical and emotional. And if they want to leave that past far behind them, who can blame them? So they are out. And in full public view. Yet ironically, they are often not “visible” members of the TG community.

So who does that leave?
Well, unfortunately, that leaves me. I’m pretty much the typical garden variety crossdresser. I don’t take female hormones for men. I’ve never had surgery. And, at this point in my life, I have no plans to transition or to live my life as a woman. I do go out as CiCi… I’ve been out in clubs in several cities, and I’ve attended many fetish events as well. So I go out. But I’m not out. For all that running around in public (often in spiked heels or thigh high boots!), my lifestyle is still hidden from almost everyone I know. I’ve told a few friends here and there. But to most of the world – and to my extended family – I remain a pretty typical American male.

For the past ten years, while CiCi was emerging as a major force in my life, I was a married professional raising a stepson, struggling to pay my mortgage, and trying to keep the weeds and gophers in my backyard under control. I earned a Master’s Degree, enjoyed hiking and theme parks, and watched way too much ESPN.

So when I did come out to a few of my friends, they were shocked. Not because I’m such a macho guy that the idea of me being feminine was totally out of the question (believe me, I’m not). But because there were no signs. No hints. I’d covered my tracks. Nothing in my life (as they knew it), that would lead them to believe I was anything other than the man I presented myself to be. Sure I have some feminine traits. But so do a lot of men. I don’t think most of the people in mainstream society make the leap from noticing a few feminine traits in a man to seriously thinking that man is transgendered. I know I don’t.
So I lived a double life. A secret life. And that I think is the problem. I am the problem. My friends were shocked to find that I was a t-girl simply because I live a very mainstream life… and my friends don’t associate tgirls and transgenders with mainstream life. To them, t-girls are people who inhabit the fringes of society. Way out on the edge of society’s norms and mores. Out at the edge of acceptability and decency.

The nerdy guy with the graying hair and the reading glasses who sits in the cubicle next to them just doesn’t fit that alternative image. People don’t see me in guy mode and think, “gender rebel” or “sexual outlaw”!

In our community, we get mad because mainstream America thinks that transgenders are all drag queens or hookers on Santa Monica Boulevard. But what else is America to think if those are the only images of transgendered people they get to see?

Mainstream America doesn’t think that the boy next door could ever be transgendered because no “boys-next-door” have ever come out. (Now, I should pause here to say that many people know a cross dresser in their neighborhood or their family… but they think it’s an aberration. They keep it hush-hush. And that silence only serves to reinforce the idea that each case of trans-sexuality is nothing more than that… an isolated aberration.)

Now before I go any further, let me say that as of right now I have no plans to come out. For all the reasons I’ve listed above – family, friends, employment – I’m planning on remaining in the closet. You can blast me for this. And I wouldn’t blame you. I blast myself for this all of the time. (As I’ve said in this column, “The problem is me.”)

But what if we did? What if hundreds of mainstream guys – who hunt and fish and raise families and go bowling with their co-workers – suddenly came out? What if America – and the world -- finally saw that cross dressers aren’t an aberration? What if America saw that crossdressers are the same men who patrol their streets, fight their wars, lead their corporations, star in their movies, sing beautiful love songs, raise beautiful families, and live pretty normal lives?

That’s when true acceptance would start to set in. That’s when legislation would change. That’s when prejudice would start to end.

But someone has to start it. It’s like that fairy tale, “Belling the Cat.” All the mice can believe in their heart of hearts that the world would be a better place if the cat had a bell on its collar, but one brave little mouse has to step forward and risk his life to “bell the cat.” And brave little mice are hard to come by.

What will it take before large groups of mainstream men will start admitting to the world that they are transgendered? Maybe a movie or TV show will air that will start the conversation. Maybe a rock star or movie star (or OMG… a famous athlete!) will come out. Maybe some WikiLeaks-style hacker will infiltrate our websites and chat rooms and “out” us all to the public against our will. (How scary is that thought?) Or, on a more positive note, maybe it will all just have to wait for the next generation – a generation raised with the amazing resources and support found on the internet. Resources and support that our generation never had. Maybe they will do it.

I wish it could be me. I wish I was that brave mouse. But I’m not. I’m a typical guy with typical fears and typical responsibilities that – at least for the time being – prevent me from being willing to take that step. I wish I was that brave. That strong. That daring. But instead, like I said in the title of this blog…

The problem is me.

Take care out there.
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy.

xoxo,
CiCi

Unthinkable

2011-06-28T17:42:00.001-04:00

I was talking with a friend about SRS (Male to Female Sex Reassignment Surgery) recently. My friend is not part of the tgirl scene, but he knows about me. He knows that I crossdress and that I have many friends in girl world. BTW… I am not thinking of SRS, it’s just a topic that came up. He thought about the prospect of SRS surgery, and had a curt, one-word response. “Unthinkable.”
Now, as I said, I’m not thinking about SRS, but I had to laugh to myself when he said the word “unthinkable.” Does he have any idea who he’s talking to? I’m a t-girl. The unthinkable is what we do!

Consider the 9 year old boy – scared and frightened about the feelings he’s been experiencing lately. He has an older sister and he really admires the way she looks in her feminine clothes. The mini skirts, the silky panties, the tights and nylons, the sexy shoes. He wants to try them on, but he doesn’t dare. He doesn’t dare risk getting caught. He’s the youngest in the family and everyone else is mean to him already.

Then one day he finds himself home alone. His mom is picking up his sister at ballet practice. His Dad is on his way home from work. To try on his sister’s new outfit, he’d have to sneak into her room (where he’s absolutely forbidden), gather up all the clothes, slip them on, pose a little, slip them off, and then put everything back exactly the way it was before he walked in. All before anyone gets home. Which could be any minute now. To go in that room would be to risk a lifetime of embarrassment and humiliation. And all for just a few moments’ thrill.

But we’re tgirls and the unthinkable is what we do.

Consider the young man with a new girlfriend. He really likes this girl. He’s been dating for several years now, but he’s never really found someone special. Someone that he really clicks with…until now. This girl “gets” him. He knows he’s thinking way too far ahead and he’s not ready for marriage yet, but deep in his heart of hearts he thinks that this girl just might be “The One.”

There’s just one problem. Now that he and his girlfriend have been dating a while, he feels like he should be honest with her. So he wants to tell her about his cross dressing. He didn’t want to tell her when they first met, that seemed inappropriate. He wanted to wait to see if something deeper was going to develop in their relationship. But now that it has, he’s really worried. Now he sees what a special women she is. He feels a sense of connection that he’s never felt before. In other words, he sees that he has a lot to lose if she doesn’t respond positively.

So will he risk everything? He desperately wants to be honest with her. But will he risk his one chance at love with the only woman he’s ever felt this way about? Why it would be unthinkable to take such a risk.

But we’re t-girls and the unthinkable is what we do.

Now imagine a middle aged guy. He’s been dressing in private for years. He has his own private stash of clothes. Panties. Crossdressing corsets. Stockings. Heels for men. A few years ago he logged on to the internet as a CD for the first time. In the past few years, he’s chatted with other tgirls, swapped a few photos, and found a few tips about style and make up. (He’s even ordered a few outfits from Suddenly Fem!) But now his online friends are begging him to come out. To join them at a local tgirl bar.

Will he go? I mean, dressing in the privacy of your own home is one thing. But to go out in public? Where someone might see you? And no matter how hard you try to avoid being seen, things can go wrong. You can have a flat tire. Or get pulled over for speeding. This guy has a wife and a family and a professional career to worry about. He can’t risk all that. Just for a few twirls on the dance floor of some seedy bar? Why, it’d be unthinkable.

But then, we’re tgirls and the unthinkable is what we do.

These are just a few random examples. I could list hundreds more. Think of the closeted crossdresser showing her face on the internet for the first time. Think of her sharing her cell phone number with a tgirl friend. Think of her not only going out to that “seedy little dance club,” but hanging out a little. Becoming a regular. Accepting offers from strange men who want to buy her a drink. It’s all unthinkable.

And what about the girl who’s already out? Now her friends want her to go out during the daytime! To go out to lunch…in broad daylight. Or maybe to go to a club that’s not specifically for tgirls or the LGBT crowd. In other words, to go to places where she might not be accepted or where she might run into one of her straight friends!
Unthinkable!

And yet we do it. (Because we’re tgirls and the unthinkable is what we do.) And usually, for most of us, when we take these risks, the world doesn’t end. The sun comes up. The stars still shine at night. And the ocean waves continue to wash against the shore.

I remember so many of the incidents I’ve listed above, because many of them happened to me. Or to close friends of mine. I’ve had friends who have had flat tires or run out of gas. I’ve had friends stopped for speeding. And I’ve had friends who’ve faced their longtime girlfriends or wives with a secret that they’ve been keeping for years.

And honestly, the results are not always good. Sometimes the girlfriend doesn’t accept you. Sometimes the big sister can’t wait to tell all her friends that her little brother is a sissy. Sometimes the cop wants to embarrass you by writing you up. Sometimes the obnoxious drunk in the bar won’t shut up and insists on causing a scene.

The risks are real. We know that. That’s what makes each of these moments so… momentous. So courageous. For the typical tgirl… who was raised and lives in a non-supportive environment… every step we take is a little victory. And every moment before we take that step is another moment to back out. To stay closeted. To keep our dreaded secret.

Fortunately though, there are those among us who take that step. Maybe they’re braver than us. Maybe they have less to lose. Maybe they were raised in a more supportive environment. Or maybe they just feel more strongly about these issues than we do. Who knows why. But they take those steps and they blaze those trails, so that girls like you and me can follow. If we so choose.

Right now, we’re witnessing all sorts of firsts in tgirl world. A transgendered prom queen. A well-known transgender fashion model. Parents groups are forming to support their “gender variant” children. (And btw, is that the ugliest term ever used to describe something beautiful? “Gender variant”? Really? It sounds like a botanical disease.)
I’m writing this during PRIDE month and there are pride celebrations all over the US and all over the world. Gay marriage is being hotly debated (you may get to wear that wedding gown after all!) And, on a more personal note, several of my t-girl friends have recently secured jobs. An amazing feat in any job market but particularly in this one!

So what does this all mean? Is real change happening? Is there a chance that the world is becoming more accepting? Or that the world might actually embrace all those young transgendered children growing up all over the world?

Of course not. Why that would just be… unthinkable.

Take care out there!
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy!

Xoxo,
CiCi

A Customer Story of Stepping Out as a Crossdresser For the First Time!

2011-06-21T11:22:00.001-04:00

I just wanted to share the story of my first day that I ever was dressed outside of the comfort (and safety) of my bedroom. I had joined a group on meetup.com (I swear you can find a group for anything on there) for New York Transgenders and had talked to a couple of crossdressers an tgirls online. I never even been outside of my room fully dressed, but something about the way they chatted online made me feel at ease.

They meet up every Thursday, so one Thursday evening I put on my black stockings and gaff under my jeans and went down to the bar where they met up. I had gotten there early, and there weren't a lot of people there yet. So I went into the bathroom and got changed. Locking bathrooms are so incredibly nice, but I know I nearly chickened out three or four times as I was getting dressed. I could have left at any time, but for some reason, I decided to go through with it. Putting on my makeup for men and looking at myself in the mirror, I finally felt right, looked right, like I wasn't looking into the eyes of a stranger. As I walked out of the bathroom with my bag in tow, I walked over to the group of crossdressers and transgenders and shyly introduced myself to one of them. Immediately after I told them "Hi, I'm Angela", they turned around and introduced me to the entire group and just made me feel right at home.

I've never felt so accepted in my life, and I've never felt so right and at ease. Honestly, I was so amazed at how easily I responded to Angela, how natural it all felt to be called Angela. It's one of my most powerful and favorite memories ever. I have never felt so at ease with myself and talking as myself. I know that I spent a long time afraid to even think about going out, and that fear really did paralyze me for a long time. It nearly got the best of me that night from the moment I stepped into the bar until I was fully dressed and walking out. But I hope that if some people that are afraid to go out read this, that they might find that there is some possibility of finding a place where you can be accepted, and it might just feel more right than you ever thought possible.I hope this reaches people who are too scared to take that first step forward, because maybe, just maybe, they might find some comfort in seeing what might be waiting for them over the threshold. Love you! Angela

Father’s Day in TGirl World! Interviewing Crossdressing Fathers.

2011-06-15T17:00:00.002-04:00

I always feel a little off balance. Do you? For most of us who lead an unconventional or non-traditional lifestyle, balance is always an issue. And it ain’t easy. You always feel as though you have forces pulling you in different directions.

When you’re transgendered, it just gets that much harder. Whether you’re a closeted CD who’s never been out or you’re an out-and-about t-girl who has come out to everyone in their lives, finding balance can be the key element to your happiness. Tgirls devote a lot of time and energy trying to either keep their secret or, if their secret is out, to navigate that delicate balance between their two worlds. (I tell a lot of my friends, I don’t just lead a busy life, I lead two busy lives!) We often have to strike compromises with our girlfriends (or boyfriends) or wives. But the situation gets much more complicated when kids are involved.

A lot of us struggle with the different facets of our male lives. Now that we’re CD’s, what exactly is our role as husbands or boyfriends? Has it changed? Must it change? That’s something we have to work out with our significant others. And, as we all know, that discussion doesn’t always go well.

But the one relationship that most cd/tv girls aren’t willing to compromise on is their role as a father. Whether our children are grown or still in diapers, we, as fathers, feel certain responsibilities. We play a role in our families that – no matter how many sexy lingerie sets we have in our closet -- we’re probably not willing to give up.

In my situation – and in the spirit of full disclosure -- I had a stepson going through his teens as CiCi was becoming more active. In order to keep some sense of calm in an already tense household, I put CiCi in mothballs for almost 2 full years. I threw out all of my dresses for men, I cut my online time considerably, and I devoted myself to my family. As far as I know, my stepson – now out of the house and a college graduate – still knows nothing of my tv/cd life.

But with Father’s Day right around the corner, I wondered how some of my friends are coping with this issue. How are other girls striking the balance between being a family man and club-going, tgirl hottie? I did a few informal interviews with tgirls with children that are in different stages of childhood. Maggie (I’m using fake names here) is 35, married, and has a 4 year old daughter at home. Suzie is 55, married for the second time, and has two grown daughters by her first marriage and one 7 year old daughter with her current wife. And lastly, there is Charlotte, a 57 year old tgirl who is now divorced with two grown daughters. Charlotte’s case was particularly interesting to me because she has come out about crossdressing to both of her daughters.

I began by asking all of the girls about their lives as fathers. Interestingly, none of these tgirls have had sons! All had daughters. I asked if them what kind of Dads they are? Pushovers? Playful? Disciplinarian? Detached?

Maggie: My wife jokes that she has two kids. Not exactly sure which one is more mature at this point. It could go either way most days. I will admit, I am one of those over protective fathers and I think I always will be. It’s just in my nature. I worry and I don’t want anything bad to happen. My wife laughs at me for it, but that is the role of a parent -- to protect their children.
Suzie: I am rather strict when I have to. But also enjoy having fun. I was never a fan of the "baby" stage, but I like them when they get older. When they can do more things. With my 7 year old, I play Chinese Checkers, and I enjoy going bike riding and swimming with her.
Charlotte: My kids always thought of me as the athlete of the family and also the real outdoorsman. I always enjoyed being Dad and having the kids around… coaching, playing golf, Frisbee, whatever… I liked playing with the kids and doing stuff with them. My kids were super easy. I really only had to discipline them a bit.

I asked them to describe their daughters – and if, as a tgirl dad, they felt any special connection through their more feminine side?

Maggie: She has the most addictive laugh I have ever heard. It comes right from her belly, and when she is laughing and giggling, you just can’t help yourself and find yourself joining in. She is perfect, just like her Dad. LOL.
Suzie: She does resemble me more than her mother! Certainly with the clothes, look, style, etc. She is such a happy, good kid: outgoing, funny, smart, pretty, overly talkative. She is very girly.
Charlotte: I would say I connected with the kids as any Dad would. Not any more empathy for their femme needs then any other Dad.

All three fathers spoke about the pressures of leading this double life as a t-girl…

Charlotte: Sometimes I am very ashamed of myself. I sometimes feel this has been a very self-absorbed journey. And I don’t think I should be this self-absorbed. Actually, it was easy for me to coach at 4 – 7 pm and then dress up later that night. It was certainly frustrating trying to find time for it [dressing]. I would sheetrock a room and do it for a month, just to justify a weekend going out as Charlotte. But, finally after 10 years or so of trying to justify my dressing by working my ass off, I decided I need to be myself
Maggie: I knew that having children would definitely change the rules – limiting my dressing and all that. But at the end of the day you have to look what is most important to you. It’s a personal choice.
Suzie: My current wife knows and is accepting. Our agreement is that I dress and go out when she is out of town or when I travel. We have also agreed to keep it away from the family.

I asked if any of the children had any inkling that their Dad was a cross dresser. Or if they would ever tell their children about their “secret” lives. (Please note: in all three of these cases, the wife/mother involved does know about the Dad’s cross dressing).

Suzie: I don't think any of them know. I have always been committed to keeping it away from them. Unless, I was to ever go full time -- which is highly unlikely today. My oldest two did see me dressed as a woman for Halloween back in the 80's. They thought it was funny. My oldest one said my legs looked better than their mother's! That really pissed Mom off.
Maggie: I hope she [my daughter] never finds out. And I know it will come to a point in my life where I will have to give up the dressing, either completely or partially, to keep it from her. Personally, I don’t see the advantage in telling her about my alternative lifestyle.
Suzie: I can see where someone going thru transition would have to tell everyone involved in their life. As for me, I have no intention of ever telling them [my daughters]. However, if it ever came up, I would be completely honest and open about my fem side and how important it is to me.
Maggie: At this point in my life I can’t see myself ever telling her, but you never know. Life changes and evolves. Relationships form in ways you can’t predict. Basically what I am trying to say is that I want what’s best for my daughter, and not knowing is probably the best thing in my opinion. I know that it means keeping something from my family, but sometimes secrets are needed. I’m sure many of your readers can attest to that.
Suzie: I guess if any of them ever do [find out about me], it will be something I face at that time.
Charlotte: We decided that telling them when they were in high school was not a good thing. They have too many things going on in their lives to burden them with my stuff. So we waited. And it was not hard to wait, but I wanted to be honest with them. So it was kinda hard not to tell.

However, eventually, Charlotte did tell her daughters:

Charlotte: We just sat them down and told them face-to-face together. I was lucky, my wife supported me. While she wasn’t into it – and not excited about it -- she was supportive. They hugged me and told me they loved me. I cried some, but not too much.
Charlotte: When we told them… one was out of high school and the other was still a senior. BUT… the one who was a senior was gay… and she had TG friends. So she already was clued in. She understood it immediately. My older one was very supportive and loving, but even now, she does not choose to see that side of me. (But she makes no judgment and is 100% behind my decisions.)

I asked Charlotte what advice she would give to other parents who are considering telling their kids.

Charlotte: Wait until they are out of high school. They have too many things to deal with. They don’t need to deal with your shit. I mean you signed up to be their dad. Deal with it.

I asked Maggie and Suzie – hypothetically – what would happen if they were ever presented with an ultimatum. What would they do if their wives threatened them with divorce or to take their child away? And I got two very different answers:

Maggie: I think that’s a no brainer. Family must ALWAYS come first. You’re a father and husband first, and a sexy dresser second. Don’t get me wrong. It would be very difficult, but then again, most big decisions in life are. And neglecting Maggie would be like shutting out a piece of my life. She is me and I am her.
Suzie: The answer will be no way. Regardless of what happens. I'm prepared emotionally for that. I will not stop being Suzie. My attitude would be that it is "her" problem… my wife’s problem… not mine.

In closing, I asked each Dad to complete the following sentence: The best part about being a father is…

Charlotte: Having my kids hug me.
Suzie: Hearing a child's laughter and telling you, "I love you Daddy!"
Maggie: When they say that they love you, it’s life altering. Nothing else even comes close!

So here’s to all the t-dads out there – struggling to keep some sense of balance between their personal identity, their transgendered nature, and their role as a loving, devoted father. It isn’t easy. (What part of t-life is?) But, as any of these girls would attest, the rewards of fatherhood, well… they last a lifetime.

Suzie: I was there for all my daughters’ births. I chose to not know the sex before birth, therefore, I looked forward with excitement to their births and to hold this precious miracle. Each birth was equally exciting. Today, with the older girls, it is neat to see them go off on their own and establish their own lives. You just hope you gave them the ability to make smart decisions.
Maggie: Years from now? I want her to smile when she thinks about me. If she can do that on her own accord, then I know I have done something right in my life. If she is proud of me, and not ashamed, then my life will be fulfilled. I don’t want to be a failure as a father.
Charlotte: I am proud of the kids and proud of the way we raised them. Probably my biggest accomplishment -- but I would think any parent thinks that.

At the beginning of this article, I wrote about how my step-son never had to face the image of his step-dad in a dress. (Or, in my case, a latex catsuit.) However, he was often confronted (unfortunately) with my own feelings of frustration and bitterness. Emotions that I tried to repress, but that often spilled out in times of stress. It’s hard for me to admit this now, but I just wasn’t all that happy back then. And there’s no way that he and my wife weren’t affected by that.

If I had to do it all over again, I still don’t know if I’d tell my son about CiCi. As we’ve seen in these brief interviews, that’s a pretty tough decision for any parent. But I do know this. I really wish my son had had the chance to live with the happy me that I am today – rather than the unhappy me that he lived with all those years. That is definitely one thing I wish I could change.

In closing, I’d love to hear from more of you tgirl fathers out there. So please feel free to use the comments section below to share your experiences – good and bad -- as a tgirl dad. And, of course, Happy Father’s Day to all!

Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy.
xoxo,
CiCi

Talking with Tiffany Amber Rhoads: Marriage, Modeling for Suddeny Fem and being one big Goofball

2011-06-08T12:25:00.004-04:00

I met Tiffany Amber Rhoads right around the time she was first coming out. I started seeing her in LA clubs in the summer of ’07, and I was instantly attracted to her. (No surprise there – so was everyone else.) In addition to being one of the most girlish and pretty tgirls out there, Tiffany also has a great sense of fun about her. She ran with a group of really fun girls – taking photos all over Hollywood – and she was always smiling. She looked amazing, but if you chatted with her, in quiet moments, the terms she used to describe herself most were things like “dingbat” or “goofball.”

Not exactly what you’d expect to hear from the latest Hollywood ingénue! Makeup artist and Southern California t-scene legend, Gina Renee Ortiz of “Transformations by Gina,” has probably made-up and photographed Tiffany more than anyone else – including the most recent shoot for this website, Suddenly Fem. "Tiffany has always been one of my favorite models to work with,” says Gina. “She brings extraordinary energy to every shoot, and an unmatched enthusiasm for what she does.” But Gina also knows Tiffany’s goofball side. “Photographing and applying makeup for men Tiffany never feels like work, but more like a party. She is the silliest, happiest, and goofiest gurl I know, and one of my favorite people on Earth!"

Still, Tiffany had some pretty clear goals six years ago… and I honestly think she’s accomplished most – if not all - of them. And how many of the rest of us can say that – whether we’re talking about our vanilla lives or our transgendered lives. No matter what circles you travel in, any individual who actually reaches most of their goals is someone you have to respect.

When I spoke to Tiffany a few nights ago, she was still riding high from her wedding over six months ago. Tiffany and her GG wife, Sheena (Princess Pink in fetish circles), were married in front of their family and friends at the Chapel of Flowers in Las Vegas. And, although Tiffany got married in her handsome guy-mode, that doesn’t mean the two camera whores didn’t take some time out before the wedding to get all dolled up and pose for pix around one of the top floors of the picturesque Venetian Hotel. Tiffany remembers, “Sheena was walking through the lobby carrying this big petticoat and everyone was laughing. It was crazy.”

The next day, they were picked up in a white stretch limo and taken to the chapel. Adding to the typical wedding joy was the fact that Tiff and Sheena have been completely open with their immediate families about Tiffany’s cross dressing. And both families are accepting. (Sheena’s mom even makes jewelry for men for Tiffany.) As Sheena says, her family was okay with situation, “once they figured out that this isn’t our kink, this is our life.”

While many women would consider it a major drawback to marry a cross dresser, Sheena considers herself very lucky. “It’s normal for us,” she said. “I got to marry my best friend that I get to hang out with and go shopping with. It’s fun. And when she’s Tiffany that’s just another fun element. I love her guy side, and I love Tiffany. She’s like having a playmate.”

A very busy playmate as it turns out. In recent months, Tiffany has not only shot more photos and videos for Suddenly Fem, she’s also been featured on the cover of Repartee Magazine. (Repartee bills itself as the fun magazine that treats cross-dressing seriously. It has also been named “Best Lifestyle Magazine from the UK” by The Tranny Guide.)

Tiffany says that Repartee contacted her after seeing her photos on Flickr http://www.flickr.com/photos/tiffanytime ;. They did an initial photo shoot and that went over so well, they offered her a cover. Repartee now publishes a feature on Tiffany in every new issue. In the magazine, Tiffany has written about topics ranging from her early desires to dress to her fun life in Hollywood.

Of course, Tiffany is best known for her gig at Suddenly Fem where she’s the premier transgendered model for Suddenly Fem’s stylish feminine clothing designed specifically for men. And, in case you wondered, this isn’t just a job for Tiffany. She’s a big fan of the Suddenly Fem philosophy. “Unlike other sites, they go out of their way to be current,” says Tiffany. “And they design the clothes the way a man needs… like around the shoulders. You can’t buy that kind of stuff on ebay or Wet Seal or Victoria’s Secret.”

“Go to Suddenly Fem,” she says. “Everything they do, they do it on purpose. They make beautiful, updated, stylish clothes so you can look like a totally hot supermodel chick in your own house, in front of your own mirror.”

(And what t-girl doesn’t love that!)

Tiffany was also kind enough to give us a few tips on her fave Suddenly Fem items and outfits. (And, no surprise, she looks amazing in all of them!) First she mentioned the Elegant Pink Blouse (Item #2124) – the silky smooth top with ruched front and sleeves, and sparkly buttons on the sleeve. “I put it on and it just screamed femininity,” Tiffany says. Next up, she raved about the Sexy Red Keyhole Open Blouse (Item #2193) that she paired – to stunning effect – with the Stretch Leather Mini Skirt (Item #3111).

“You feel like a modern sex goddess wearing an outfit like this! I tried it on and walked out and I felt like I owned the world.”

Tiffany said she was worried about her next pick… the tiny, sexy Denim Micro-mini Skirt with build in panty (Item #3048). “I didn’t think it would work for a man’s body,” she recalls. “I thought it would be good for, you know, a stripper.” But the moment Tiffany tried it on, her opinion changed. “You try this on with the biggest heels you’ve got, you look in the mirror… and you know you’re rockin’ it! I put it on and f*ck… it doesn’t get any better!”

Lastly, Tiffany chose her favorite item currently listed on the Suddenly Fem website: the Pink Satin Doll Dress (Item #1034). And Tiffany totally looks like a doll in it! “You can never go wrong in hot pink satin,” she says. Tiffany pointed out that it’s great to accessorize with this dress… because of the loose sleeves at the wrist, you can add your favorite bracelets without hiding them. And because it buttons down you can show as much (or as little) cleavage as you like. “This is my current favorite. You put this on and you feel fantastic.”

Tiffany obviously loves the clothes from Suddenly Fem and she has tons of respect for the site’s lead designer. But she actually didn’t meet Tyler DeSouza in person until her most recent shoot. And that, she says, was an experience.

“I’ve talked to him a lot on the phone, but this was the first time I ever met Tyler DeSouza in person,” says Tiffany. “That guy has the biggest personality on the planet. He brought it all, you know? He had this big smile, dressed to the hilt. And he was everywhere. He did the hair, the earrings… he was awesome. He totally gets right up in your mug... poking, positioning. It was unbelievable.”

And Tyler doesn’t quit until he gets what he wants. “We shot from 10 to 10. We did ten different outfits and wigs. And we just went for it all day long.” The stunning photos (and videos) you see now on the Suddenly Fem site are the result. “He showed up with blower!” Tiffany exclaims. “To blow my hair back, he brought a blower. He’s one fun mother*cker!”

If Tyler is indeed, “one fun mother*cker,” he’s met his match in Tiffany. Don’t get me wrong, she takes her modeling very seriously. She vamps for the camera. And she plays the role required – from sweet and innocent to sophisticated and sassy. But at heart, there’s still a part of Tiffany that will always be the fun-loving, self-described dingbat.

Goofball? Glam girl? Sissy superstar? Tiffany Amber Rhoads is all of those things… as well as a happy, devoted husband with a lovely bride who, together, feel like they’re still on their honeymoon. So what’s next for this rising star on the transgendered scene? She just wants to keep improving at everything she does. “I want to continue to highlight fashion like only a t-girl can,” she says. For her, modeling is more than just trying on clothes and posing. She wants to cause a reaction. “I want to make other cd’s jump out of their living room and say, ‘I have to have that!’ ”

Summer Makeup 101: How to Beat The Heat!

2011-05-25T11:18:00.003-04:00

With Summer right around the corner I have been getting asked a lot if I have any skin care and makeup tips. Of course I do! Tricks of the trade from a self proclaimed expert—I spent quite a few years doing prom and wedding makeup.

Summer is all about skin care! Let’s face it, breakouts from sweat, sun burn and trying to catch your foundation running down your face is not cute. First thing is first, your daily routine (not just when you’re in t-girl mode) must include a light, typically hypoallergenic and ALWAYS with some SPF. A light coating that keeps your skin moisturized throughout the day and protects it from sun damage.

I know some of you gurls need to wear beard shadow cover and a heavier foundation—totally fine, you just need to use a primer underneath of that in order to keep it from being streak free. Most makeup brands carry base primers—it’s key to keep your foundation from dripping down your neck!

For those of you who are lucky and can get away with a bit of light makeup, tinted moisturizers are the way to go. They offer waterproof options on the market and they give you that nice glow and coverage (not to mention how much time it takes off your makeup routine!) Essentials for your face to keep in your purse for a night out: a powder foundation or bronzer to cut down on the shine (blotting sheets are great too) and maybe a small tube of touch up foundation (you never know!)

Also, remember that you want to keep up with your tanning skin from the sun you’ll be getting. You definitely do not want that pesky foundation line from wearing a color that is too dark or too light. I personally have to mix a couple of shades to get my correct face color. Experiment!

The best route for blush is going with the new gel formulas. They keep you streak free and tend to be pretty sweat proof. Remember, if you’ve got high cheekbones keep it a bit below the actual bone. If you want to make it appear to have higher cheekbones go diagonal up from your nose to sideburn.

The biggest question I get ALL year round and not just in the summertime is how on earth do women keep their lipstick in place? Well, girls, I have to tell you there is no way to completely avoid this unless you decide to use a Sharpie, but there are some tricks for longer lasting stay. There are so many lines out there with lip “stains”—they are the BEST! Before putting on any lip wear, make sure you apply a touch of foundation powder to your lips. This will definitely help to make it last. Apply the lip stain then a gloss if you’d like to liven it up. It is virtually impossible to get a gloss to stay so throw that in your purse!

Eye makeup for men gets a bit tricky in the summer. Stay far, far away from creamy shadows—they end up clumping up and looking ridiculous. Again, back to the face primer, throw some of that on your eyelid and a touch of powder THEN apply your shadow. If you do this it will help the shadow from clumping and creasing on your lid. Summer is typically a time for lighter colors—the bronzes, golds, pinks, lavenders, shimmers etc. It’s always fun to play with eyeliner this time of the year. Give yourself some cat eyes with a hot teal or sexy purple color! Of course if you’re hitting the club and decked out in darker colors, by all means stay dark.

Two words girls, waterproof mascara. I worship the genius that came up with this. You don’t want to sweat or jump in a pool and have raccoon eyes. Again, not cute. Apply it in any shade you feel matches your eye color. Black goes with my darker summer complexion and black hair, some of you girls with lighter hair may prefer brown or get sassy with the purple and hazel shades.

Don’t worry, I will get in to body care next time…that pesky leg hair, the peeling skin, you name it—we’ve all had it one time or another. Until then, don’t forget to keep your touch up cosmetics for men in that purse and remember the most important tip…moisturize, it really does make a world of difference.

Gestures

2011-05-11T13:36:00.000-04:00

I was walking through the main hall of a Las Vegas casino not too long ago. I’d just been out to lunch with my date at a nice Asian restaurant there in the casino complex. We were headed back to our room to plan our next Sin City adventure when he surprised me. He didn’t do anything outlandish or extravagant. He did something very simple. He took me by the hand.

Now obviously this was a man who was not embarrassed to be out in public with a tv/cd girl. He had invited me to Vegas. He had just taken me to a very nice – and very public -- restaurant. And now we were walking together through the casino in the middle of the afternoon. So he had already established that he was not ashamed to be seen with me.

But I have to say, I was really surprised when he took my hand. It was just a small gesture. But it meant a lot to me. As t-girls we spend a lot of our lives and energy trying to gain acceptance. And as anyone who is out and about in the scene will tell you, that acceptance is not easily given. I’m fortunate that I live in Southern California where people are more open to the gay and transgender lifestyles. But “open” doesn’t necessarily mean “accepting.” And that acceptance is a long way from the majority opinion.

Have you been out? I know a lot of girls who read this column are still closeted. While others are relatively new to the scene. When I started going out I pretty much confined my outings to late night, after dark trips to the Goth and fetish clubs of LA. While some would say that the streets of LA get more dangerous after dark, I felt much safer than in daylight. I would park close to the venue, and most of the people that I would encounter between my car and the club, were others in the fetish scene either coming or going from the event. So, by definition, the only people I ever encountered were pretty used to running into t-girls.

But that’s just one small community in a very big city. As I branched out in my outings – to more mainstream clubs or to day time activities, the level of acceptance dropped dramatically. You get more looks. You get more frowns. You hear quieter, muttered insults under the breath of passersby.

To me, that’s part of this journey. I’m not the bravest girl in the scene. I’m far from foolhardy when it comes to taking chances. And yet, somehow, deep down inside, there’s a part of me that wants to keep pushing. To keep trying new things. To not put limits on myself. To keep moving towards a world that I create for myself where I feel comfortable – no matter what the rest of the people around me think.

And, for someone who wants to play a little against mainstream society, LA is a pretty good sandbox in which to experiment. (I mean, there are nights in West Hollywood where I feel like the least flamboyant person on the street!)

But Las Vegas is a whole other world. I’ve now been there many times in CiCi mode. And I love it. But it does present a very unique set of circumstances for even the most confident cross dresser.

For one thing, Vegas attracts all types. From the high rollers and celebs to the down-and-out guys who are quite literally down to their last poker chip. From retirees to college kids. From conservative vacationers from the Midwest to crazy hot gay tourists on holiday from Europe. My point being…when you leave your hotel you really have no idea what you’re going to run into. And by saying “when you leave your hotel” I’m actually getting ahead of myself, because in the typical casino, it’s actually quite a long journey just to get out of the hotel!

In Vegas, the entrances to the casino-hotels are placed as far from the elevators as possible. This makes sense from the casino’s point of view. They want all of their guests to walk by those acres and acres of slot machines and craps tables every time they enter or exit their room. But for the cross dresser, it means a pretty long and very public personal parade. (And if you’re in heels for men, a pretty painful trip too!)

The “parade” can actually be fun if you’re with a large group. As always, there’s safety in numbers. If you’re in a big group of t-girls, you’re definitely going to get noticed. Once, I was with a group of twenty-five girls or so… and we actually got applause. I was stunned. But people at the poker tables actually put down their cards and their chips and applauded as we walked by. (Talk about your nice gestures.)

But walking alone or in a small group can be much more intimidating. I tend to look straight ahead. It helps me block out the looks and comments from those I pass. Now obviously, this means that I’m blocking out some of the smiles and winks and other positive comments that a t-girl sometimes gets. And I suppose it can sometimes make me seem aloof as opposed to what I really am – terrified. But that’s part of my process. That’s part of my own journey towards feeling comfortable in my skin. And, while I have a long way to go, I like to think I’m getting better at it.

Once outside, Vegas is a trip. Night or day. I’m often stopped by tourists who want to have their picture taken with me. Now I know that a lot of girls don’t like this. They want to be treated as individuals… not social novelties. But I don’t mind. To me, it’s part of the progression that most minorities go through as they seek acceptance. You start off as a novelty (a nice way of saying, “freak”), and you try to make inroads into society from there.

Also, I’ve also found that in those brief moments when the photographer is struggling to focus his camera, you get to chat with the people you’re being photographed with. Elderly couples. Bachelorette parties. And, maybe I’m being overly optimistic (I tend to get like that), but I like to think that in those few brief moments – as we’re chatting -- the tourists start to see me as more than a novelty. More than a freak. I love it when they tell me that they’re from a small town in the middle of nowhere back east. And I get to tell them that so am I.

But the simple gesture that has stuck with me the longest happened nearly 10 years ago in Vegas. I was with my wife attending a bondage convention and it was my first time out in a city other than LA. My first time out in the throngs of people that crowd the streets. My first long trek through the casino halls. My first exposure as CiCi to mainstream America. It was all very scary and intimidating.

We arrived at the venue where the bondage convention was being held. The main event was that night, but they had a large trade show set up. A place where you could buy BDSM/fetish merchandise or clothes, try out a new device, or watch a rope-tying demonstration. It was pretty exciting. The devices. The clothes. The porn stars strutting about. The shine of the leather and the latex. And of course, the sounds of all those whips cracking from the stage shows around us. I felt like a kid in a candy store. Okay, a very kinky kid in a very kinky candy store.

It was a memorable weekend for me. But the gesture I remember most happened before we even got into the place. My wife and I parked in the parking lot and were walking towards the entrance doors. A large man in full bondage gear was arriving at about the same time. He was dressed in full head-to-toe leather with several floggers and whips dangling from his belt. He was big and intimidating and I was already extremely nervous and unsure of myself. I could feel myself tensing up as I prepared for whatever negative comment or disdainful look I might have to endure.

He grabbed the door, yanked it open and paused for a second to look us over. And then he said two words that I’ll never forget. “Ladies first.”

You know, it’s so easy to be kind to people. To be respectful. We all get caught up in ourselves a lot. In our own lives. In our own little worlds. And because we all do that, the world can seem callous and cold. Even in a big city. Even on a crowded sidewalk with hundreds of people around us. Maybe that’s why I remember so many little gestures. The winks. The smiles. The thumbs up’s that I sometimes receive while in CiCi mode. The kind comments of people who have stopped by my table in restaurants or bars. The chats with bellman and cleaning ladies. The silly jokes that cabbies have told me – not because they were funny, but because they were anxious to express – in their own awkward way – that they were okay with me being me.

We use a lot of words to describe people like that. Open. Accepting. Kind. Respectful. But there’s really just one word that describes a person who would go out of their way to make another person feel respected and comfortable. And that word is, “class.”

Take care out there.

Be smart. Be safe. Be sexy.

xoxo,

CiCi