Sunday, September 20, 2015

The Hater in Your Head - a blog by CiCi Kytten for Suddenly Fem


So many haters out there. And their numbers are growing. We could have predicted this. As we become more visible. More loud. More a part of everyday life. The haters are going to rise up to match us.
And those haters aren’t just random loudmouths off in some distant city or rural outpost.  They’re not all ignorant jerks hiding among the anonymous riffraff of the internet.  The haters are right there in your community.  In your place of work. In your place of worship. In your very own home.

As members of the trans/cd community, we’re often hesitant to come out to those who are close to us. We know that those around us can be conservative. Closed-minded. Firmly entrenched in traditional thought and convention.

But here’s the thing.  You’re one of them!
Silencing the Hater in Your Head





You live in that community. That means that, to some degree, you probably share their values. You work at that place of employment.  That means that, whether you want to admit it or not, you think a lot like most of your co-workers.  

And you were raised in that family. That’s blood. And that’s also an indoctrination to certain family values and cultural traditions at a very early age.  Sure, you’ve grown up. You’ve gone your own way.  But those old standards you grew up with don’t leave you.

The decisions you’ve recently made with regard to your trans/cd life -- regardless of where you are in your feminine progression -- may be putting you at odds with your friends and family.  Even if you haven’t told them yet you can still feel their recrimination.  

You're stronger than hate. You're smarter than hate. I sincerely believe that. But you're also an accomplice in the hate.
Because in addition to the many haters and critics out there, there’s one other person who may be working against you.  One other person who may doubt your intentions.  One other person who is second-guessing your every move.

And that person is you.

Raised in that family. Trapped in that community. Steeped in those old school values. And no matter how much you'd like to deny it, the voices in your head are very loud. And very powerful. You want to move forward.  You want to reach towards your goals. 

But you have a hater in your head. And the hater in your head isn’t so sure.

The hater in your head is worried that you’ll lose key relationships.
The hater in your head is worried that you’re risking financial stability.
The hater in your head is worried about your personal safety.

And you can’t argue with any of it. To be trans in 2015 is to enter an at-risk community. You have a lot to lose. And the success of others -- from other families, from other neighborhoods, in different parts of the country -- doesn’t guarantee success or safety for you. The hater in your head knows all this. And uses it against you. Manifesting in fears and anxieties. Doubts and second-guessing. Reluctance and hesitation.

Sadly, there is no remedy.  There is no cure or counter-agent. There is only you. Alone in your community. Alone in your workplace. Alone in your family. Alone with your thoughts.

Allies and enemies circle and comment and inject themselves into your decision-making. But, in the end, as with most things... you are alone. Your life is yours alone. Your decisions are yours alone. And those decisions will shape the life you live.

We spend a lot of time in conversation complaining about our opposition. And that opposition is very real. From political circles. From religious groups. From schools and other public institutions.  From our friends and families -- and that vague group of rules that we call social convention.

But I want you to forget all that for a moment. I want you to block it out. It won’t go away, believe me.  Instead, try spending some time in silence. Try having a thoughtful, rational conversation with the hater in your head. Try to express your true feelings. Try to define your true goals (not the goals of some media star or honored author or well-meaning best friend).  And try to honestly assess your risk factor.

I don’t know where you’re going. I don’t know your goals. I don’t even know where you came from.  But I do know this. You have more power inside you than you can imagine.  More inner strength than you have ever acknowledged. You may be trying to summon the strength to fully transition. You may be working up the courage to go out dressed for the very first time.  Or you may be trying to come out to someone close to you.

No matter what your goal is, there will be risk. And there will be opposition. And if you put yourself out there on social media or in your community, you’ll hear those critics. Loud and clear. And often in often thoughtless, hateful terms. The haters aren’t going away. But maybe, with a little work and a little time alone with your thoughts, you can begin to silence the hater in your head.

Or at least reduce the hateful shouting to a whisper.

Take care out there.
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy.

xoxo,
CiCi

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

hmmm not all think or are ok with this crossdressing women and men. not sure how most women think of this issue of being so ! crossdressing. wearing panties is considered to be crossdressing !!!!! most women hate men wearing womens panties or lingerie Why ! if it's a panty fetish only in wearing womens sexy lingerie panties are you judged as a crossdresser ! it's only material !

Anonymous said...

dear CiCi Kytten, what are your thoughts of a guy wearing womens lingerie made for women ! is wearing lingerie and not wearing dresses and other womens outdoor clothing like skirts and what not. if a guy whore only lingerie would wearing "only" lingerie be considered crossdressing !

Bobbie said...

Cici, you are simply amazing. Yes, you are very attractive, but your wit and intelligence is what makes you great to me.

Anonymous said...

I hear what you are saying and can relate for sure.
Trisha Kobichenko

Anonymous said...

To "Anonymous", to me wearing women's lingerie, actually made for women, is an important of my day. I "must" have my lingerie mornings when I first get up. It's just me, mincing around the house in women's intimate garments, and I do it just for myself, not for anyone else. To Cici, I just saw your Ted Talk video, first time I have seen you "live", and based on that one experience I think you are the perfect spokesperson for us. If I ever had to defend my way of life publicly, I would want to be able to call you, or someone just like you, to speak for me. Thanks/Karen.

Anonymous said...

Dear CiCi thank you for answering. I the same feel to me wearing womens lingerie is an important day, I think of what panties to wear or other lingerie to dare to try on ! I also just wear these for myself,not for anyone else. most of all panties makes my body feel great all around and makes my body feel sexy and a very comfy feeling holding all in. I love mincing around the house in a pair of sexy womens panties nylon,silk,satin or polyester they all feel great on me and love the feeling of bikini panties on my butt or cheeky panties they just feel great and can't help not to put a pair on every time I can and march around the house in my panties and sleep nightly in the sexy panties I chose,i sleep well :)I once had tried on a crotchless sexy pink teddy as a dare by an ex fiancée. does that make me a transvestite if I dared to try that teddy on and liked it and the way it felt on me and slept with the teddy on only to wake with a smile ! I only wear womens panties and a crotchless teddy once so is this considered to be trans ! my ex fiancée left her sexy pink crotchles teddy behind and told me to keep it and no longer wanted it. at times I look at the teddy and tempted to try it on again but gives me the butterflies when I think of trying it on again and gets me very hot and heart pumping ...panties only make me feel warm inside and nothing like the temptation of trying on this crotchless teddy ! what does this mean if I feel this way wanting to dare myself to try this hot pink crotchless teddy on ! I only dare to wear in the house but do wear my womens panties outdoors or just going out for a walk cause they feel sooo nice on me...thank you redhead :)

Anonymous said...

Hi CiCi. when I was a teenage boy growing up with girls in the house and sharing chores we all took turns doing the folding the laundry thing or doing dishes. I once when doing laundry and folding the whites I had come across my sisters sexy light pink sexy nylon bikini panties and seeing those panties gave me an instant heartbeat and thought i'd be a pervert if I even touched them let alone fold my sisters pink panties. Since then when I saw those sexy nylon panties i was soooooo tempted to try those pink panties of my sisters on. for months I fantasized of trying on my sisters nylon hot sexy pink panties on a few weeks or sometime after thinking of trying them on for so long and most of the time I did dare myself to try on those panties when everybody was surely to be gone and away from home for a long period of time so I could try those panties on. when I had found those pink nylon panties in my sisters drawer I heart was beating like drums and grabbed those panties and undressed and tried her panties on and they felt so great on me and since then have been wanting to try on and wear sexy panties all the time but scared to get caught but the irresistible feeling womens lingerie (sexy panties) feel on me I can understand how sexy lingerie makes a womens body feel sexy and great when women wear lingerie. makes me understand women !!! but tempted to try on this certain crotchless pink teddy I had mentioned in my comment earlier...if I am daring and do try on this teddy again and enjoy wearing womens sexy teddies because I wanted to know and curious about how great they must make a body feel around the house or as sleepwear because when I did try these crotchless sexy pink teddy on before I didn't want to take this crotchless teddy off but did the very next morning and felt sooo incredibly bamm :) and now tempted to try them on but feel like this would make feel like I am a transvestite for this desire of wanting this because of the great feelings it gave me !!! by far I am not gay and don't feel I am a transvestite because I love wearing womens sexy lingerie(panties)but feel if I do and I know I do want to put on these pink crotchless nylon teddy on again because they feel great and love the fabric. but scared to what this would make me !!! my fetish is sexy womens panties and mostly this sorry ladies ,wish I could find a lady who would accept the way I am ! I will never stop wearing womens pntis because if the comfort and great feeling on my body all around keeping things together fine... thank you :) would loving to wear womens panties and just teddies or lingerie isn't the same as wearing dresses and stuff which I don't wear or never will wear make me feel trans ! just panties,lingerie I love wearing for myself only me for me. they feel great, thank you ladies love your sexy styles of lingerie! they feel great ....redhead :)

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