Tuesday, December 2, 2014

We Are Not Pretty - A Blog for Suddenly Fem by CiCi Kytten

We are not pretty. 

A few of us might be. Some of us are absolutely stunning. Those are the few that you see on television or in movies or in beauty pageants and on cable interview programs. They are very pretty and feminine and thin and gorgeous.

But most of us are not pretty. 

We are too tall. Too thick. Too fat. Too awkward. Too clumsy. Too manly.

Our bodies are curved in all the wrong places. Our hands are too large. Our chins are too long. Our foreheads too pronounced. Our Adam’s apples too apparent. Our feet are so large that they stretch beyond the sizing proportions of most -- if not all -- mainstream shoemakers.

(Photo by Altomic Visuals, 2014)
We don’t know make-up. We don’t know style. And we walk funny in heels. We will never be feminine enough.  Or graceful enough.  Or passable enough.

But we will be here.  And our numbers are growing.

We have no idea what causes our condition. Our situation. Our state of being. There are many theories. Perhaps one day science will answer that question. Until then, it’s all just theory.  Conjecture.  More questions than answers. More confusion than clarity.

And yet here we are. And our numbers are growing.

Most of us believe that we were born this way. That we have been this way since birth. And I agree with that. However, like all human behavior, our behavior is based on some combination of natural instincts and learned experiences. So while we may have been, as Gaga so eloquently stated, born this way -- how we act is very different. How we present varies widely. And how well we accept ourselves is all over the map.

And yet here we are. And our numbers are growing.

Many oppose us. From legislatures and voters to religious leaders and congregations to school boards and government bodies to many gays and lesbians (who we think should be our allies) to our own wives and parents and friends and siblings. Even many people normally categorized under the trans umbrella refuse to accept others who are normally categorized under the trans umbrella.

And yet here we are. And our numbers are growing.

And no matter who you are that oppose us or hate us or vote against us or beat us to death in the street, you are not winning. You are not stopping us. You are not sweeping us under the rug.

And I think I know why.

Individuals are like water. We seek our own level. We seek our own individual state of being. Our own natural state of balance. We may never reach it, but we seek it. And each in our own way, we strive for it. That place. That niche. Whoever we are. Whatever we are. Wherever we are.

And we often do so -- as others have done throughout history -- at great peril. But once we get a taste of it... that freedom. That oneness. That sense of self.  There's no going back.

And that's why our numbers are growing.

We are not one giant homogenous group. No community is. Our members are as varied and distinct and eccentric and individual as the members of any other group. The only difference is that we’re so new. Trans people aren’t new. Trans people have been around as long as there have been people. But the trans community is new. We are only now emerging from the shadows and the closets and allowing the world to see us as we really are.   

And in so doing, there will be challenges. Opposition from outside the community. Conflict within the community. Others will seek to define us as we seek to define ourselves.  And all will fail.  There is no skin color.  No shared ethnicity or culture. No common religious or political belief. No biological trait. No breast size. No penis size. No litmus test. 

We are like the stars. Infinite in number and wondrous in possibility.

Perhaps, over time, we will become more graceful. More feminine. More passable. The ability of modern medicine to transform our bodies -- for those that choose that road -- is extraordinary. But many of us -- a great majority of us, I think -- will remain in that dreaded category:  a guy in a dress.

Still too tall. Too thick. Too fat. Too awkward. Too clumsy. Too manly. 

But maybe now... a little more proud. A little more confident.  And hopefully, a lot more happy.  

We are not pretty. And we may never be. But take a closer look. Check us out. 

Because we are beautiful.

Take care out there.

Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy.


Anonymous said...

Well said and SO well put! You make so much sense! Keep 'em coming, my sister!

Rhonda Sheer

Jo-Ellen August said...

You're always amazing, you are obviously referring to the rest of us clods.

rhonda sock said...

So very true. I think it's all about attitude that nails it, not how you look. With the right attitude you can go anywhere and do anything. You my dear oooze attitude and it works oh so wonderfully. Hugs honey!

Gornbuck said...

This a beautiful piece of writing.

Very well done.

Ed Arndt said...

Wonderful blog. I'm proud to be part of this community.

Roslyn Reid said...

I'm a woman, & that picture looks exactly like the album cover of the New York Dolls! I LUV IT!

Anonymous said...

But, based on your pictures I've seen, I cannot say the "not pretty" part applies to you that's for sure.
You're beautiful!
Nice post.

Anonymous said...

Hello Cici, its been a long time sinse we chatted on ALT, but Istill remember you from back then...you Cici fetishdoll! Giggles Sinse then I've made a few more TG friends and we go out together dressed to the 9s and have a great time! You tried toget me to meet you at the VIP back then and I was chicken...but now that I've been there a few times with friends...we love DRAGSHOW nights. I read all your blogs and I think you ARE pretty and a wonderful girl...so, thatnks honey

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, we also go to the Menagerie for dragshow nights and yhe Halooween party too. But the VIP is a little classier as you know. But in Riverside we love the dragshows and you can let everyone know that DRAGSHOWS are a very SAFE place for TG girls to go. AND OUR NUMBERS ARE GROWING! Luv, Stehenie

Anonymous said...

Very well said. I agree with everythimg but will add this: I probably represent a minority part of our "community" that doesn't want publicity and has no interest in notoriety. We simply want to live a life of peace, quietly being our true personnas, be it MTF or FTM.

I just wish to silently blend into society. Not being judged...just accepted for who I am.

Isn't that really what we all want?

Living as Stephanie now said...

that was beautiful! and more important TRUE.... I am saving it to share with other in our community and those who are "haters"

thank you

Shanda Lear said...

Keep putting it out there gurl; Im behind u

Karla korazon said...


I go out to airports and chucrches just to show young gurls confidence and pride.

love CiCi writings!!!
from Mexico


Anonymous said...

You made my day! And my future more genuine! Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I also am part of the minority who has no interest in publicity or notoriety. I am certainly not pretty. At my age, I do not have the smooth skin, fine features or physical proportions to be "pretty". I envy those who do. But I can dress in pretty things, and, from the neck down, I think I could even pass. My face is another story, something that even the most accomplished make-over artist could not deal with. But a properly shaped and well cared-for wig, and perhaps just the slightest touch of make-up can make it look younger. Not pretty, but "younger" will do. Sex is no longer an option for me, those days being long gone. For those who link sex with transgender I say God Bless You, "Go get 'em girl". But the garments that I wear, both under and outer, and even the body-shaping appliances and devices that we use, impart sensual sensations to the skin and body that are reminiscent of days past, and, for me, that is enough. I am not pretty, but I am content. Cici is pretty, and I have printed the photo attached to this article to keep in my dressing room to remind me every day what I can strive to be. I'll most likely never get there, never be pretty, but I'll never stop trying. Thank you, Cici. Karen.

Shirley Girl said...

Thank you Cici, especially from trans youth. I've been the woman I was meant to be for almost 3 years now and I'm so happy to see trans youth getting the support they need to be who they truely are. How sad and hopeless previous generations have been, suicidal in their darkness and despair. Let the dawn break and the youth spring as their true selves. They're so beautiful as they are and I love them. Obviously our Creator pays no attention to our societal standards and goes on creating one absolutly unique individual after another as a gift to them and the world. Those who dispute the Creator's creations should voice their objections to Him/Her who knows everything both masculine and feminine. I believe He/She knows exactly what He/She is doing down to the last detail. What an absolutely awesome and incredible creation He/She has made and continues to make. Just look and kneel in awe.

Anonymous said...

516Every word of what you say is right..you must keep trying!..ask me...I struggled for years to find likeminded people, but I did, and it was worth it..now I have great friends..know where to go...where not to...Rhonda is right..kisses and kudos to you, Rhonda!....Mitchie6997...I love you, Rhonda!

luv23way said...

You are a beautiful woman, and while I'm not a physically attractive as you, I feel beautiful and sexy when dressed. I just can't seem to figure out why though, and have interest in men only when dressed...or in a mfm 3way.

Bonnie Lea said...

Hi Cici. Thank you so much for the article. It is very refreshing to read what some have thought about but hate to admit. I have been dressing for as long as I can remember and can only say that I feel so different in my feminine clothes. I may never pass as a decent looking female but that does not mean I can't make myself feel a part of a community much bigger that I once thought.

Anonymous said...

You are a true voice a light into humanity.We can never agree on any thing and probably through the test of time and familarity we might be accepted some day but were it not for brave free souls like you we would take much longer to get there.Thank you

Dani Hollins said...

You are one of us. We are many.

Kasey said...

Very nicely said. The call for individual expression is getting stronger as our society becomes more sophisticated.

I'd also like to comment on your opening statements which are so true. Many feel that way and I'd like to say a few words to address that. Most of us feel that we just don't stack up. But that applies to everybody including genetic females.

People have so many insecurities. For those struggling with an identity, I think it better to work with what we have and I would suggest developing your own style and tastes. You may borrow from others but ultimately your look will reflect your personality and tastes. It's a lot easier to pull that off rather than trying to adapt to something you just isn't you.

Anyhow, a lovely thought provoking statement from you and a big thank you from me.


Anonymous said...

Wonderful post, even if you are the exception that proves the rule. The rule,of course,is "we are not pretty".

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Anonymous said...

Vanessa says , you might say we are not pretty but you have to admit when you are all dressed up in whatever makes YOU feel pretty ,feminine,sexy,more like the woman you would like to be or wanna be the bottom line is how great you feel on the inside and how your heart seems be more happy and content being in touch with your feminine side I wrestled with my gender for 40 years finally went to a counselor diagnosed with "Gender Identity Disorder" my counselor asked me to come to a session in the pretty dress and wig you have. I did not look pretty I definitely did not pass for a woman but the emotions and adrenaline that was flowing driving to my session getting out of the car for the first time was so awesome , she gave me the courage it took to come out of the closet,I think she was testing me to see if I really felt the way i did, or was I just a guy who likes girls clothes , Summary from that day on I improved on my wardrobe started wearing make-up,purchased breastforms,instead of stuffing my bra with nylons or panties the breastforms really made me feel like a woman the weight of them in my bra was wonderful,to this day I go on my "outings" as I call them I am very passable,I have a few girls I know that tell me I am prettier as a woman they have seen me both ways. I am flattered if I have to show my ID for some reason I tell them as I show it I look a little different than the picture.a cashier at Macy's thought I was a woman till I showed her the ID you have to work hard at being pretty but how you feel on the inside is more important I think we all need to get along in this world, more men should loose the macho @$%& !!! and try on a pair of silk panties and get in touch with their feminine side ,they may make a better husbandor boyfriend when you start thinking more like a woman , I could go on and on hope you enjoy reading this I have a saying "It takes a hell of a man to be a woman" or my other is " I like being a guy but I love being a girl" XOXOXO to all of us girls

Anonymous said...

Cici, you are as inspirational as you are beautiful, both inside and out. Hugs, Sara de Quito

Peter Millichamp said...

Well done sister me and my girlfriend Gemma come under the trans undbrella she is both pretty and sexy in my eyes she is a preop transsexual I myself am a crossdresser who dresses mainly male but enjoy my freedom too dress female when comfortable Gemma is about too have her operation in the next month our relationship in but on love not sexy godbless all trans people I love you all....

Peter Millichamp said...

Sorry crap spell checker our relationship is built on love not sex our love is deep x

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