Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Only In Life - A Blog for Suddenly Fem by CiCi Kytten

There has been yet another rash of violent crimes against trans women recently. I know these crimes happen all the time. But sometimes they come in bunches – reminding us of just how much hate and misunderstanding still exists in the world.

It is beyond horrifying how callously and brutally the lives of innocent trans women are taken. As if our lives hold less value in the minds of others.

Often, when another senseless death makes the evening news or a Facebook post, we, as a community, rally. We hold vigils. Or protests. We post kind and loving sentiments online - even though most of us have never met the person in question.

And there’s one more thing we do.

Passable? Or just another guy in a dress?

We do not ask stupid questions.  
The kinds of questions we tend to ask of each other when we’re all still alive.

Was she trans?  Or just a crossdresser?

Was she passable?  Or just another guy in a dress?

Was she pretty? Was she ugly?  Was she out? Was she closeted?

Was she full-time or part-time?  Was she on hormones? 

Top surgery? Bottom surgery?

Did she involve herself in trans political issues? Or was she a party girl?

Did she wear too much make up?  Or not nearly enough?
Was that her real hair? Were those her real boobs? Was that her real ass?

Suddenly, when someone passes away, all of the shaming and judging that goes on within our community stops. Suddenly none of it seems to matter.

Because it never mattered. 

In death, we simply remember… she was one of us.  


Our community. Our sisters and brothers. Our family. We may not get along. We may not agree on many things. And we may choose very different ways of expressing our trans nature. But we all still feel the pain. When one of us is lost, we all still feel the heartache. The anger. The sorrow. And yet, it would be sad to think that that sorrow is the only thing that binds us together.

Only in life… do we shame each other.

Only in life… do we insult someone for choosing a path that’s different than our own.

Only in life… do we bully those who don’t fit precisely into our vision of how a life should be lived.

Only in life… do we categorize and criticize and demonize those different from ourselves.

Yet only in life... do we have the opportunity to make someone feel good about themselves. 

Only in life... do we have the opportunity to help someone feel confident about their gender expression. To feel positive about their appearance. To feel supported in their glorious, flawed, and undeniably human individuality.

Only in life... can we express true love for one another as we each make our very different journeys through our short but precious days on Earth.

Only in life.

Take care out there.
Be safe. Be smart. Be whoever the fuck you want to be. 
Because life is short.  And you only get one.



rhonda sock said...

So true. We bring our junior high social mores into our adult transgender life. So sad. We are getting better but I am afraid I will be dead by he time it really becomes a safe country for us.

rhonda sock said...

So true. We bring our junior high social mores into our adult transgender life. So sad. We are getting better but I am afraid I will be dead by he time it really becomes a safe country for us.

kdager said...

CiCi, your writing is powerful gripping and true. Thank you for being you and sharing your thoughts.

clea said...

tears in my eyes,it's soooo true....
love clea xxxxx

Living as Stephanie now said...

Most important, she's a person, like everyone else

love ya CiCi

Marci Smith said...

What wrong with people? Trans people are kind loving people. why the hate? Why cant people just leave us alone? We dont hurt any one. I just dont get it. this is soo sad.

kdager said...

Every human is born with base instincts for survival programmed into our DNA from evolution over millions of years. These instincts... aggression, exclusion of "outsiders" and domination for control of resources, are default senses only controlled by a society, family, community and religion rearing children with values greater than selfishness. To answer "Why?" Marci, it is the failings of those whose responsibility is to temper our barbarous instincts and make us civilized, higher beings. Those of us who see this can't force such change, because frankly we may still be in the minority. We can only remind individuals, and society's organizations, that they will either realize the potential greatness of humanity or demonstrate its most base and often evil default instincts by their choice of attitudes, thinking process and behaviors

Sandra Gibbons said...

Thanks so much, Cici, for a really nice post, very touching and so true...Only in life...

Sissy Carla-Love (URL said...

Thank you Cici, so true and well said.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Cici! Your blog comes at a really good time for me. Please know that you've helped me see a different and better light.

Paul (Paula) Montalvo said...

I agree, we are who we are, every one of us. We're all unique, and we all deserve, at the very least, to expect to be safe from transphobic violence. Ideally, every one of us deserves to be loved and cherished the way we would wish to be

steve daniels said...

Thank you, Cici.


Robyn Jasmine a.k.a. RJ said...

We Americans... most of us don't realize just how GREAT we have it! American Trans Women live in a freakin' paradise! Yes, we suffer as victims of hatred--many forms of it--here. Yes, sometimes we're killed for who we are. But the people who do these things to us are persecuted! At the very least, they're investigated!

No matter where you live in the world, there will ALWAYS be hatred towards LGBT communities, especially transgendered persons, who are sometimes persecuted WITHIN LGBT communities (sad, ain't it?). But here in America, the law is on our side!

Don't believe me? Just look at Russia. In Russia, the word "homosexual" is viewed as a synonym for "pedophile". In Russia, vigilante groups that are organized across the country (branches in over 30 cities) hunt gays for sport! After catching them, they beat them brutally, degrade them in the worst ways, and post the videos of their actions online. Know what law enforcement does? TURNS A BLIND EYE!!! Finally, in Russia, there NO SUCH LEGAL THING as a hate crime!

I'm sure Russia is just one of many examples that could be given with such horror stories. So the occasional hate crime that happens in America resulting in the death of a trans woman, or the "shit talking" that happens behind your back, or the friends you lose... be thankful that these are the only things you have to deal with. Be thankful that when such a tragic thing occurs, that the law will prosecute, because there IS a such thing as a hate crime here. In the rest of the world, it's MUCH worse!

Danielle Bear said...

The human species can be the worst "animals" of creation because we can think and rationalize our actions. I've been attacked twice and I'm a firm believer in self defense classes(my father put me in them) or safety in numbers. Cici your post is very moving - I don't know really what to say - when will this stop.

Lee Shore said...

Wonderful post Cici, we need to spread the love while we all can still feel it

Lori Quaresimo said...

CiCi - You are correct about not asking stupid questions. There is only one reason I can think of why someone would ask if "she was passable." Because if someone isn't passable and they know it, they might think they have to be more careful than others that are passable.

Bobbie Jo said...

I loved your comments regarding violence and hate targeted at our community. We have to be strong and follow the paths we have chosen.
We must try to not hate the haters because we are better than that.
Just love who you are and follow your dream.
Love and kisses, Bobbie Jo

Anonymous said...

Lovely post CiCi. We need to stay together to deal with the hate.

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