Saturday, June 7, 2014

Talking Back to the Backlash - A Blog for Suddenly Fem by CiCi Kytten


It was inevitable. After all of the great strides the trans community has made over the past few years, you knew there had to be backlash. You knew we were going piss someone off.  And actually, the louder we get, the louder the haters will get.  

I try to ignore them. And usually I can. But it hurts. So much of it is so ignorant and uninformed.  And some of it is just pure hate. But the part that gets me is that so much of it is so stridently and aggressively non-curious. I’ve found transpeople to be some of the most fascinating people I know. I can’t understand why the rest of the world doesn’t want to get to know us. They’d rather dismiss us or deny our rights or deny our very right to exist.

You can talk all the shit about me you want.
But if you come after my friends, I’m sorry. I just can’t let that go.

A lot of this is our fault. We’ve been hiding in shame for so long. But that shame is fading. We’re getting stronger... as individuals and as a community. So this is not the time to let a few mean-spirited misinformed loudmouths set us back.

Besides, you can talk all the shit about me you want, but if you start to come after my friends, I’m sorry. I just can’t let that go.

I’m no sociologist, or gender therapist, or medical practitioner, or scientist.  But then neither are the bloggers and columnists spreading the hate. They’re just writers like me. So I figure my opinion is as valid as theirs.

Here’s what they’re saying: 

“You’re not women. Stop saying you are.”


My response: This is pretty typical. And btw... not everyone under the trans umbrella claims to be a woman. But there are those who say they have felt female since the day they were born. And who are we to argue with how someone else feels? These women express feelings of surprise and shock that when, as toddlers, they acted like girls, and were reprimanded by the adults in their lives. They were doing what felt natural. Why is that so threatening? Gender is different than biological or anatomical sex classifications. And we’re learning more about this changing field of science every day. So until we know more. Let’s give these women the benefit of the doubt. I have a feeling that as we learn more about genetics, chromosomes, and the whole mind/body health connection, we’re going to find that these women were right all along.  

Then they say, “You’re delusional.”

My response:  Perhaps we are. Perhaps every trans person -- from the closeted panty boy to the out and about transwoman -- is totally delusional. But if so, then it’s a pretty amazing case of mass delusion. I mean, there are so many similarities between the way we act and feel and present. These similarities date back over centuries, cross over many cultures, and obviously predate the internet.  So how did we all get together and delude ourselves en masse?  How did that happen?

We’re not delusional. Some of us are closeted, some are out. Some are kinky, some are not. Some are fully femme and some are rather andro.  But there’s something inside us... something that we are... that guides our feelings and behavior. And it ain’t a delusion.  

The haters are very opposed to health benefits:  “If you need medical attention then there’s something wrong with you. Which just proves that this expression is unnatural and we don’t want to pay for it.”

My response:  First of all, there’s all sorts of things we have to pay for in America that we don’t support. That’s life in a democracy.  We all support all kinds of surgeries and procedures that help all sorts of people from all walks of life to live more comfortably and, hopefully, a little more pain free. That’s something we as a society have decided to do.  Just because a transperson needs medical attention doesn’t mean she’s damaged or trying to change nature. She is merely doing what millions of Americans have been doing for years -- trying to live more closely to her truest self. That’s not unnatural. OMFG... that’s the American dream.

A medical condition is not necessarily a malady or a deformity.  A “condition” is exactly that.  A state of being. And, in today’s world, thanks to medical technology, we all have the opportunity to change our “conditions.”  There are many who, politically, don’t wish to pay for others’ healthcare. And that is an acceptable political point of view. But don’t single out transpeople. We’re not your scapegoat.

In response to new laws now being introduced, many go for the fear factor. “If these laws are passed, any boy who declares himself “trans,” will be given access to your little girls’ restrooms and locker rooms.”

My response: Technically, that argument might be true.  But I think a boy would have to be willing to go through an awful lot just to get into a girls’ bathroom or locker room.  It hasn’t been easy for actual trans youth to gain that kind of access, so I doubt many “straight” kids would go to the trouble.

But here’s another completely overlooked point. If we’re so concerned about how this change will effect bathroom behavior, then why not just change the bathrooms?  I mean really, what kid -- trans or not -- ever felt comfortable in a junior high school bathroom? Those rooms -- girls’ and boys’ -- were the bullies’ home turf.  Bullies and thugs used to skip class and hang out in there.  Everyone hated the bathrooms. And you didn’t have to be trans or gay to get bullied... all you had to be was small or weak or sensitive or disabled or smart or just in the wrong place at the wrong time. What junior high school kid would argue against changing bathrooms?  Add more single stall rooms. In the larger bathrooms, add more stalls that are actual rooms -- with four walls and a door. Create a place that a kid (or an adult) could use in private, and actually feel safe and comfortable. How would that not be a good thing?

It’s long overdue. In fact, if we brought change to restrooms and civility to locker rooms... years from now, junior high school kids would be thanking the trans community.  We’d be lauded for making the average kid’s school life a lot less stressful.

And one more thing on that. Why do the haters always put parents in the position of having the little girl. What about the parents of the little boy who’s trans?  What if the kid in question was yours?  To what lengths would you go to protect your child’s right to comfort and privacy at school? Why don’t the haters every consider that possibility?

Lastly, the haters love to use the wrong pronouns.  

My response.  You’re a dick. Seriously.  Is that all you’ve got? Is that the sum of your intelligence? Your last desperate way to make someone proud and confident and happy feel a little less so?  Congratulations. You’re so f’n clever.

In our community, it is common to simply address a person according to their presentation.  It’s just that easy.  This misnaming reminds me of my father -- now long since passed away. He hated it when his kids used slang language. It wasn’t proper English.  And for a while, I thought he was right. But then as I got older, I noticed that he used all kinds of slang himself!  Slang that he had acquired during his college days or his soldier days during World War II.  That slang was, to him, acceptable.  

It was so hypocritical.  He didn’t care about “proper English,” all he cared about -- all most people care about  -- is preserving the status quo.  They use arguments about language or anatomy or politics or economics to mask it. But what they’re doing is acting out of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of a lifestyle that makes them uncomfortable. Fear of a brave new world that threatens one of the most fundamental binaries of all time:  male and female.

It’s so odd to me that I now represent that challenge to society. I have lived my life almost entirely in the mainstream. I actually grew up on Main Street in a Norman Rockwell small town in New England.  I’m practically a Puritan.  For most of my life, nothing made me feel more comfortable, secure and loved than obeying my parents and the mores of society.  

And yet...

Here I am.  Gender rebel.  Social activist.  Sexual adventurer. How did this happen?

I’m not really sure.  But I do know this. Whatever I am is what I’ve always been. Maybe my expression has changed over the years -- but so has every other human being who’s every lived to maturity. I probably won’t live long enough to see medical science, cultural sociology or gender studies figure out what to call me or how to classify me. Or how to silence the haters.  

But in the meantime, I have every right -- legal, societal and otherwise -- to act and dress and behave as I see fit.

And so do you.


Take care out there.

Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy.

xoxo,
CiCi




42 comments:

Sharon Smith said...

I am not a woman by birth but at times I feel I am a woman. I like having my breast played with, like having my nipples pinched and would like to find someone to suck them. Yes I enjoy dressing as a woman, I might not pass but I enjoy it just the same. I also feel some of the females I have seen out and about I could look a better then they do if I wore the same clothes as I would take pride in the fact that I would be a female. The females I have seen out take very little pride in themselves.

Anonymous said...

Marci Smith here,
The one thing that we have that makes us strong is Humility..

We have and/or are conquering our worst fears and demons,( according to the oppressed) therefor growing strong in spirit and true to our lives through this. This is what they fear, failure in their own lives to live in truth, casting all fear aside and being humble. They fear humiliation because they covet a false sense of pride and self worth through imagery and pre-programmed social acceptance. It is simple math. Until one experiences humility, they will never have empathy for those who have, continuing to live in the sin of blasphemy. Sooner or later they will come to realize that as it states in the bible, God does not make mistakes..

Suzi Jet said...

Well said CiCi. You and Janie are the poster children for good looking trans ladies and you both make excellent spokeswomen.

You go girl.

Love,

Suzi

Lisa Kaufmann said...

Just like Sharon said, I too very much enjoy having my breasts played with, pinched and sucked even though I am not a woman by birth. I do enjoy presenting as a woman and enjoying all the things that society has determined to be acceptable for a woman to do. I especially like being treated as a woman on a date, the door being held open, my chair being held, dancing backwards in heels all the time being held by a positive leading handsome man. Things most woman just take for granted as their right. We too have the same right as women regardless of our birth sex.

rich pope said...

I really liked what I just red, You are so right...
I hide for the fact that I don't think anyone would understand,, me,, but in the future I am going to come out, , so now I create what I want to be..
I do have this to write.
I tell people it this way.
I am a female sperm swimming as fast as I could because my Brothers & Sisters, were trying to beat me to the eggs, & because of smell or something I would of went to the right tube, so to get to the right egg for me to evolved into a Female, but one of my brothers or sister sperm pushed me & I went to the wrong egg.
I got in the egg & ate & ate, till I was full & while pushing my tail into the hole in the egg, I fell a sleep...
Then because I ate the wrong egg I turned into a male & should of been female because I am a female sperm, & I fell dormant until one day I dressed up in female attire & loved it & then my real self is becoming more alive each day..
That's what I think..

Anonymous said...

Cici-Thank you.For people like me,you are a Godsend.I think I am "one of you",but yet I am not.I did not discover crossdressing until very late in life,after my wife's passing.One day at work I realized that I had closets full of her clothes,and something inside drove me to go home that night and start trying them on.This fateful day was only some 3 to 4 years ago,so I well remember the first time I tried on a pair of pantyhose.My first overwhelming reaction was "My God,why didn't I know about this?"Since then,I have become addicted to every sensation and feeling that women's clothing have to offer.Pantyhose moving against the skin of the legs,a long haired wig caressing bare shoulders,my SF combo gaffs getting a death grip on my hips and holding "everything" in exactly the right place, and high heels - "hooked for life"as one of your articles said.Because of my age,I have no friends in this community,no one to talk to,and my one joy in life is getting dressed as the "well dressed lady of the house" in my SF clothing and spending the day tending to whatever work needs to be done around the house.The two questions that continually come to my mind are "If anyone,male or female,can dress this way, why wouldn't they" and "why didn't I know about this sooner?"I don't seem to be "typical" because I didn't have female feelings from childhood,and I am a late bloomer.Do you have any advice or anything to say to someone like me?thanks/Karen.

Anonymous said...

Hi CC, I love your opinions...I've been gender diverse as far back as I can remember. I can totally relate to your comments with this particular subject lets not forget that the human species are the only species that has problems with what is mother natures natural phenomenon.

There is gender diversity amongst every other species, so you lady's out there don't be to harsh on yourselves...it's ok to be you. Ignore the "haters" they are not even worth the stress or worry. To the other girls comments on here, research what it is to be transgendered and where you fit in this incredible spectrum.

Jodie :)

Anonymous said...

" The haters are very opposed to health benefits: “If you need medical attention then there’s something wrong with you. Which just proves that this expression is unnatural and we don’t want to pay for it.”

My response: First of all, there’s all sorts of things we have to pay for in America that we don’t support. That’s life in a democracy. "

I can't disagree with you more. Someone else's misfortune cannot ethically be made to be paid for by someone else at the point of a bayonet, but only by charity or voluntary association, such as an insurance company freely chosen for subscription.

Anything else is thievery, which the constitution forbids to government in the 4th amendment.

vikki perez said...

Well said, CiCi!! Thank goodness for "Rebels" like you! Keep it up, girlfriend. I try to do my part too---being out there everyday, and trying to show the world that we are just regular people, and there isn't anything to worry about,lol! In Chicago, I rarely run into any negative situations, but, it does,and can happen. Let's all try to educate the masses, and keep pushing forward!!!

Anonymous said...

Hi CiCi,

All of what you have said means a lot to me. Outsiders to us need to read your comments. This is all so new to me. Here I am having just turned 62. I made my "discovery" last August and I am constantly amazed at how far I've come in just such a short time. I thought early on that I would be so embarrassed to present myself to the world. I have discovered within me some sort of mysterious bravery. I keep pushing myself to continue my transition and transformation. I keep finding new ways to express myself openly and in new venues. Yes, I am a bit nervous, but something inside me tells me that I must press on. I love who I truly am and the new freedoms I am experiencing. I love being a woman and I won't apologise to anyone. I have this tremendous feeling of inevitability about my transformation It's now down to looks and mannerisms which are an endless fascination to me. I can now fully flaunt my love of colors and of being pretty.
Thanks,
Susan P.

michael said...

I don't care who says what ur beautiful in a way i kinda envy u and other women because they have much better clothes than men do and for u you get to wear womens clothes and nobody can tell. we only should be judged by one and tell then i don't care who says what i try not to judge people for whom they are or what they wear i wear womens clothes and enjoy wearing them.

Computer girl said...

Cici its me Claire again (Blaire Bobbie). Adding to delusional thing, so what if we are delusional? We have that right! Life is delusional. We all delude ourselves into thinking whatever we choose. The amazing thingbia that is not delusion...we make reality with our thoughts and actions. I choose to "delude" myself into seeing the world in my own unique and like you Cici, non-conformist way

ANNA GODSEY said...

HI TO EVERYONE-I CAME OUT IN 2008 WHILE I WAS STILL MARRIED, I'M NOW 63 YEARS YOUNG,MY WIFE DIED IN 2013, WHEN I TOLD HER THAT I'M TRANSWOMAN SHE SAID THAT EXPLAINS A LOT WE WERE MARRIED FOR 33 YEAR'S. MY SISTER ASKED ME " ARE YOU MADE AT GOD?" NO I'M NOT I REPLIED, BOTH OF MY BROTHER'S WERE FINE WITH MY DECISION TO HAVE SRS. MY SONS COMMIT WAS "IT'S ABOUT TIME? THEY BOTH NEW ABOUT ME FOR YEARS.I'M STILL TRYING TO COME UP WITH THE MONEY TO GET MY SRS, I HAVE WRITTEN POEMS TO BE PUBLISHED TO PAY FOR MY SRS BUT THERE WANTING A LOT OF MONEY SO BEING DISABLED I'M LOOKING TO TRY AND SAVE MONEY. I'VE KNOWN THAT I'M A FEMALE SINCE I WAS 5 YEARS OLD, I ENJOY WEARING WOMAN'S CLOTHES ALL THE TIME. I DON'T LET NEGATIVITY RULE MY LIFE.YES I HAVE FEAR BUT I AM WHO I AM, AND NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO SAY DIFFERENTLY ABOUT MY LIFE STYLE, AFTER ALL WE ARE ALL GOD'S CHILDREN. MY NAME IS ANNA MARIE GODSEY AND EVERY ONE INCLUDING FAMILY [EXCEPT MY SISTER] MY FRIEND'S AND EVEN ALL MY DOCTOR'S CALL ME ANNA, AND PEOPLE SAY MAAM TO ME. THAT SHOWS ME THAT I HAVE BEEN EXCEPTED AS I'M TRULY A WOMAN.

ANNA GODSEY said...

HI TO EVERYONE-I CAME OUT IN 2008 WHILE I WAS STILL MARRIED, I'M NOW 63 YEARS YOUNG,MY WIFE DIED IN 2013, WHEN I TOLD HER THAT I'M TRANSWOMAN SHE SAID THAT EXPLAINS A LOT WE WERE MARRIED FOR 33 YEAR'S. MY SISTER ASKED ME " ARE YOU MADE AT GOD?" NO I'M NOT I REPLIED, BOTH OF MY BROTHER'S WERE FINE WITH MY DECISION TO HAVE SRS. MY SONS COMMIT WAS "IT'S ABOUT TIME? THEY BOTH NEW ABOUT ME FOR YEARS.I'M STILL TRYING TO COME UP WITH THE MONEY TO GET MY SRS, I HAVE WRITTEN POEMS TO BE PUBLISHED TO PAY FOR MY SRS BUT THERE WANTING A LOT OF MONEY SO BEING DISABLED I'M LOOKING TO TRY AND SAVE MONEY. I'VE KNOWN THAT I'M A FEMALE SINCE I WAS 5 YEARS OLD, I ENJOY WEARING WOMAN'S CLOTHES ALL THE TIME. I DON'T LET NEGATIVITY RULE MY LIFE.YES I HAVE FEAR BUT I AM WHO I AM, AND NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO SAY DIFFERENTLY ABOUT MY LIFE STYLE, AFTER ALL WE ARE ALL GOD'S CHILDREN. MY NAME IS ANNA MARIE GODSEY AND EVERY ONE INCLUDING FAMILY [EXCEPT MY SISTER] MY FRIEND'S AND EVEN ALL MY DOCTOR'S CALL ME ANNA, AND PEOPLE SAY MAAM TO ME. THAT SHOWS ME THAT I HAVE BEEN EXCEPTED AS I'M TRULY A WOMAN.

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