Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Honest Answers to Inevitable Questions - A Blog for SuddenlyFem by CiCi Kytten

I’ve come out to a number of friends and co-workers lately and, no surprise, they have a lot of questions. And that’s just natural. I know a lot of girls don’t like personal questions.  It can be intrusive. Offputting.  Or just plain annoying.  Some girls feel like they’re being objectified.  Or reduced to a research project.  And that’s understandable.

But I see it differently.  I like the opportunity to talk about my life, about transworld, about  my friends. I mean, try to shut me up!  

Heading out on the town in Hollywood.
So I’ve come up with a crash course in trans life.  Some answers for the common questions you might face.  Or that the general public really should know.  BTW... I do have limits.  If a total stranger wants to know something intensely personal, like whether you have a cock or not... just tell him to fuck off.

Now I’m not a doctor or a therapist or trained gender specialist of any kind, so please don’t anyone take any of the following as anything but the ramblings of a tgirl blogger. But... the answers written below are pretty close to the answers I’d give if asked by a friend.

When did this start?  
For most of us this started when we were born.  Sure, we come to accept it at different ages and at different times in our lives. But for most of us, the notion that we were drawn to behaving and dressing like a girl started very young.  It goes back as far as we can remember.

What causes this?  Did something happen when you were young to make this happen?
I don’t think science has come up with an answer to this.  (But if any scientists are out there reading this, I’d be more than happy to spend months at a time in latex, heels, or lingerie as part of a long-term research project.)  

I tend to think it has something to due with genetics and chromosomes.  But I really have no idea.  And to be quite honest, I don’t really care.  Sure I’m curious to know.  But I’m too busy trying to navigate my complex, confusing present to worry about the past. Too busy trying to cope with the sociology to concern myself with the biology.

As for whether something happened to me:  Um... I’m going to say “no” on this.  I don’t think anything out of the ordinary happened to me.  Sure, there were stimuli -- things that had an impact on me (such as coming of age in the era of go-go boots) -- but i think those events only sparked something that was already inside me.  Let me put it this way.  I grew up in a close family with three brothers.  We were all subjected to the same family and societal influences -- and as far as I know, none of my brothers dress.   

Does everybody know?
Well that depends on who you mean by “everybody.”  I’m not on a mission to out myself.  To be honest, I really just want to share some of the most significant experiences of my life with my friends.  Kind of like an adult version of show-and-tell.  I used to hate going to work on Monday mornings and have nothing to say when my co-workers asked what i did that weekend.  (And omg... I doing a LOT!)

But no...”everybody” does not know.  The people who know are they people I’ve chosen to tell. And there’s no rhyme or reason as to who I’ve told or why I’ve selected them.  It usually seems to come down to a function of my mood at the time or a particular shift in the conversation.  My family back east does not know (my parents have passed away), my stepson does not know, and some of my friends from my earlier life (hometown, college, etc.) do not know.  However, my wife does know, my closest California friends know, and most of my immediate co-workers (including my boss) know.

How do most people react when you tell them?
Usually they react with disbelief at first. But I’m not sure if that’s sincere or whether that’s just a programmed response. In guy world, it is still generally considered negative to exhibit any kind of feminine traits.  So to dress head-to-toe and leave the house that way, would be considered unthinkable. And my friends have all reacted accordingly.  With disbelief.

Fortunately, they’ve all come around quite quickly.  Most of them reacted positively -- and many have been fairly curious and, for lack of a better word, excited.  They seem jazzed to learn that there’s more to me than what meets the eye. In fact, one co-worker said she always thought I was cool. But now, to her, I’m off-the-charts cool.

That made me smile. Just think about it. You have this terrible secret. This hidden life that you spent your whole life trying to keep hidden.  You expect that people will react with disgust.  You think revealing yourself will cost you every friend you have.  And instead, people think you’re cooler than before! 

So what do I call you now?  Are you a he or a she?
Because I am not full-time -- and most tgirls are not -- please refer to us by the gender in which we are presenting.  In other words, if I’m dressed as a girl, I’m a “she.”  If I’m in guy mode, I’m a “he.”  Pretty simple.  For transwomen who have transitioned and live full-time, please always refer to them as women or “she’s.”

BTW... I’ve been on a few dates recently (with a male date) where the maitre d’s and waiters have referred to us as “guys.”  As in, “We’ll have a table ready for you guys in a few minutes.”  Now guys can sometimes be used as gender neutral.  Girls in a hurry often say to each other, “Come on, you guys.”  But the use of “guys” when i’m on a date or with other tgirls is really starting to bug me.

I’m confused by all the labels and abbreviations... are you a cd? tv? tg? ts?
Labels in our community only seem to cause arguments and confusion.  I tend to avoid them at all costs.  And I suggest others do the same.  To be safe and non-specific, I tend to refer to people in our community as either “trans” or “tgirls.”  But many full-time girls prefer that your refer to them as women.

For what it’s worth, I answer the same way when it comes to the gay-bi-straight question.  I don’t fit neatly into any particular label.  I’ve been attracted to a variety of different people... regardless of gender.  

Do you ever think about going fulltime?
Every freakin’ day! And I think most tgirls are like me. They think about it. But only a small percentage ever transition.  However, I do think that’s changing. And I do think that in the near future, we’ll see more and more girls go full-time -- and at a younger age.  I have no statistics to back that up, but I believe that’s happening already.  As for me?  Do I think about it? I do and I don’t. I think about it a lot, but not seriously.  When I think of my day-to-day life -- going to work, going to the grocery store, pumping gas, changing flat tires -- I can’t see myself transitioning.  But it’s always out there. It’s always a possibility. I haven’t planned any of this so far.  So it’s hard to guess what I’ll be doing in the future.  

I’ll finish off with a few quickies.  Just for the fun of it...

Who do you prefer to have sex with?
People who are really good at it.

What are you hoping to get out of all this?
A little bit more than what I put in.  

Is that your real hair?
I paid real money for it. 

Which restroom do you use?
The one with shortest line.

What is your ultimate goal?
To live a long, healthy and happy life.

Take care out there.

Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy.



Anonymous said...

Thank you for your blog. I do recognise so many things in what you wrote, both questions and responses of people. Also thr status of my feelings on going fulltime or not..


Anonymous said...


Thanks so much! I'm also not full-time yet but enjoy my time out and about.

It's just to easy for me to be in boymode sometimes. I do have long hair, so only a few friends, doctors and my hair stylist know about me as a tgirl. Just going at my own pace.


Anonymous said...

LOVED this column. You seem to be back to your fun self and not taking all this too seriously. For awhile there you were getting a bit dark or serious. At 71 I am still learning and like you sharing the real me more openly. You think coming of age during the Go Go Boot era was tough, try it under Eisenhower & Nixon! LOL
Fun column - keep it up.

Anonymous said...

Wow, this couldn't have been posted at a more appropriate time! I have been pushing my exposure a little at a time since March, letting my hair grow, getting my ears pierced, and confiding in an office gal pal. I expect to keep leaking it out just as you described, slowly and in a controlled manner, but you are right, nobody seems to have a problem with it at all. And I haven't been asked any embarrassing questions yet, but thanks for the suggested responses.
Girl power is Awesome!

Deanna said...

I have enjoyed online chat and, yes the occasional sexual exchange with men. I join these sites and identify myself as a woman because that is how I see myself. And yes, occasionally I get the questions you referred to in your blog. But now I have some good answers, thank you so much for the blog.

PaulaKay said...

No matter how often one thinks she has heard a certain question, it is amazing how we frequently come up with new answers or new ways to look at something! I think all T-girls are really special! I'm not sure we have the best of both worlds, but we have a little extra heart and soul...and sometimes joy, especially when we are with other sisters!

Sandra M. Lopes said...

Thank you for posting this "guide"! While I'm not yet very confident about "coming out" to anybody else beyond my very understanding wife (who has known about Sandra for almost 9 years now), I'm always toying with the idea that I should tell at least some of my open-minded friends about my crossdressing — because in some cases it would even offer me some alternatives and pretexts to dress up and go out. Currently I just stay at home and drive around late at night, because my wife doesn't want me to be "seen" by neighbours and others, and is very uncomfortable about me meeting other fellow transgendered people.

But maybe she'll be confortable if we could visit her mother, who is quite open-minded. It just needs the "proper" way to explain things to her mother — and I think your article has given me a few ideas!

Anonymous said...

Hi, CiCi love your columm as I read it all the time and what you say is true. I am a crossdresser and I enjoy it. Would love to go full time as a female as I have a female side to me and it is always out when I am home ( enjoying it ) too. I have a couple of friends that know and they are surprised that I have done itwhen I came out to them and they have asked if I would go full time as a Lady and I said yes I would, but am going at it slowly and taking my time. any way till later love Camille

Gennie Marie B said...

Excellent article - most all of what you wrote is exactly what I feel. Thanks for all of your insight!

Anonymous said...

Hi, CiCi,

I currently live in the Midwest but just received a very good job offer in Northridge, CA. What are the prospects for T-girls or crossdressers in Northridge or the San Fernando Valley, in terms of places to go? Are there any TG-friendly establishments and night spots in the area? If not, how far would I have to go to find such a place? Do you know the general feeling of the San Fernando Valley community toward TG people?

Surprisingly, I have found some very accepting places close to home that I frequent and have come to really appreciate. I'm getting bolder and getting out more and more to mainstream places, but I'm still struggling with fear and uncertainty. I know that, in general, California is supposed to be much more liberal and open to things like this, but there are always areas that differ from the general perception. Any information or help you can provide in regard to this would be greatly appreciated.

Anonymous said...

How do you reassure your wife that she won't lose you to a guy someday?

Robyn Jasmine a.k.a. RJ said...

Personally, I've become quite sick of the questions. At first, I answered them with eagerness, welcoming every one I could get. But then they became repetative, and I realized they didn't care as much about the answers as I did about the questions.

Now... they're just annoying. I'm still polite to people, as I understand that most of them a truly curious and just don't get it, but... If I had my way, I'd have been born female, and in that case, I'd never get a single question! I only get them because I was born in the wrong, f***ing body!

Ultimately, if anyone else out there is like me and would rather not answer the questions without being an asshole about it, try something like this: "I understand you mean well with your questions, but I'm really the wrong person to ask." They don't always like it, but it's the quickest, nicest way one can say it. On the other hand, if you're NOT like me, and you don't mind the questions... answer away :)

Anonymous said...

My question about reassuring your wife was not a jab or a criticism. It's what I had to deal with. After seeing my wife's pain and finding no answer, I chose to stay the man she married for her sake. If my question ignited your anger, then I'm sorry. Please be at peace and be well. No answer is necessary. Every spouse is different. One answer does not fit all circumstances.

Sandra E Xyone said...

Thank you for the fine article. For me I trans to woman and then I trans to male. I don't see myself as a full time woman but would enjoy it. It is said that a person is most like the way they are when they are most alone. And for me that is fem.

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Anonymous said...

Wow CiCi, another homerun by you. And funny!

I also think about it everyday.

Part Time Danielle

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your thoughts-always well-written and insightful.
I was wondering how to send an email to you?-not to bore you with a whole book about myself but I took kind of a big step this year and would like to tell you about it.

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Anonymous said...

As always, your insights into your own experiences provide insights into mine. I am 66 years old, and have only been CD for a few years. The triggering event for me was that my wife passed away at a relatively young age, and left me closets full of clothes. One night I started thinking about that, and one thing led to another ...... And now I realize that after confronting many of the issues you describe in your blogs, I actually really don't have to. My personality, whether in boy or girl mode, tends to be private and almost reclusive. I don't go out much anyway, and am perfectly content to stay home and enjoy crossdressing for the way it makes me feel and look. Women get to wear the most wonderful things. But I have no interest in fending off intrusive questions or attitudes from others, so I don't. This, of course, will not work for everyone. But I think my point is, if you are just entering this world, and everyone has to start somewhere, search your own mind and heart, and try to realize just what your goals as a crossdresser actually are. You may find that some of the things which you consider to be issues actually aren't, and you can save yourself and those around you a lot of discomfort by not putting yourself in a position where you have to deal with them at all. Stand up for what you want and believe, of course. If you don't, no one else will. But if something truly isn't important to you, why stress yourself over it? After all, don't we all do this to add some fun and excitement to our lives, and to get something extra out of our short time here? Thanks, as always, for your introspection. Karen

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Anonymous said...

Namaste, Cici...I'm Mia. I'm a straight crossdresser...evolving quite suddenly and rapidly. I have just recently joined a website, and I'm having a similar issue on the "try to shut me up" side :). Ciao Bella Mia

I'll look forward to reading all your posts...

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~ Nikki XOXOXO

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