|I thought I'd post one of my old latex pix in honor of Latex Barbie and the way she inspired me. |
Props to the very talented Gregg Welker who took this photo of me back in '07!
Saturday, July 20, 2013
A Friend I Never Met - A Blog for SuddenlyFem by CiCi Kitten
A Friend I Never Met
Last week, I lost a friend I never met. Latex Barbie was a tgirl I met online very early in my transgender exploration. She was living not far from me in Los Angeles, and from her photos and stories, she seemed to be quite the active girl in the L.A. scene. She was out-and-about, dating, clubbing, and playing kinky domme/sub games at local dungeons.
Now, before I go too far, I should say that I never really got to know Barbie. I’m sure there are others who are reading this who may have known her much better. She was certainly active in the scene and active in the chats online. I knew her more peripherally. And that in fact was the only way I could have known someone back then. I didn’t go out and my online time was severely limited. My time in the tgirl chatrooms was made up of stolen moments -- usually after all of my other family members had gone to sleep. People online thought I was some crazy late night vampire kind of girl. But the truth was, I’d stay up til 4 or 5 chatting, grab an hour or two of sleep, and then stumble off to work in a half-dazed, half-awake state of impairment.
Back then, any girl who went out was an icon to me. A legend. An otherworldly creature who seemed, well.. other worldly! I mean who in their right mind would go out dressed!? You’d have to be crazy or ballsy beyond belief! Was it guts or insanity? I didn’t know. Probably a little bit of both. All I knew was that I was intrigued. Very intrigued.
The added attraction to Latex Barbie was that she was, just as her name suggests, into latex. Latex was -- and is -- one of my favorite styles. Skintight. Shiny. Sexy and fetishy beyond belief. It was not as tough as leather. But not as soft as silk. And it fit like a second skin.
I didn’t own any latex then, but i found my online time divided between checking out tgirl profiles on the various tgirl websites, and checking out latex pix on the various fetish websites. Latex Barbie, for me, crossed the gap.
I only chatted with her directly a few times. But I kept up with her exploits by monitoring her profile and checking out her photos or cam shows. At one point we even talked about getting together. This memory is kind of embarrassing to me, because, as I look back now, I know that I had no intention of actually meeting her. I mean... I wanted to. I sincerely did. But I had no cool clothes. No nice wigs. And my makeup skills sucked. There was no way that an awkward, amateur newbie like me was going to walk out of my house and go meet an experienced, stylish, pretty girl like her. Whatever that move would have taken... guts or insanity... I didn’t have enough of either.
Barbie was initially hesitant about meeting me -- as most experienced girls are when it comes to meeting newbies. Newbies tend to cancel a lot. And they’re often so shy and awkward that even when they do show up, they’re not much fun. And they usually look nothing like the photos they post. Disappointment is rampant when meeting a new girl.
Barbie saw something in me I guess. She thought she’d take a chance. But I canceled. Just as I’m sure she probably thought I would. She didn’t seem to hold it against me. We still chatted from time to time. And she was always very friendly to me. But we never talked seriously about meeting again. Years later, she moved away from California, and all thoughts of our actually meeting moved with her.
That story embarrasses me because I like to think I was above the typical newbie behavior. But alas, I was a typical newbie back then. Going through the same stages as most newbies do. The fits and starts. The denials. The purges. I went through all those stages, and now, looking back, all I seemed to have accomplished was delaying the obvious.
Of course, back then nothing was obvious. I wasn’t convinced that I really was a tgirl. And I was absolutely convinced that I’d never go out. That I’d never act on any of those urges i was having. It seemed... impossible.
That’s why friends and role models like Barbie were so important to me. They showed me that the impossible was, in fact, quite possible. And what’s more... it was fun! If you haven’t done it yet, let me be the first to say... going out is fun! Dressing up in your favorite style (be it latex or leather or lace or something more demure) is fun! Making new friends in the tgirl scene is fun.
But you have to be crazy enough. You have to be brave enough. And, somewhere down in your heart of hearts, you’ve got to really want to.
I think of those early days of online chatting quite frequently. I try to recall all my fears and anxieties. The misconceptions. The ignorance. The shame that I allowed to ruin my fun.
And yet, it was also a time filled with wonder. Of exploration and curiosity. Of erotic fantasies and wild imaginings. And excitement -- both the sexual and non-sexual kind. It was a time for me when I was both excited and afraid. When I was both inspired and intimidated. And every “out” girl seemed like a goddess.
I never got to meet Barbie or to thank her for all the dreams and fantasies she helped send aloft. I wonder if she would have even remembered me. But her influence is very real and very tangible. That’s what trailblazers do. They blaze trails so that the rest of us can follow. In the old days I guess that meant hacking through sage brush and protecting the wagon train. Today, I guess it means strutting around Hollywood in a shiny, skintight latex catsuit and then posting pix to social media. At least that’s what it meant to Latex Barbie.
And although it took me a while to catch on, it was such a thrill for me when I finally picked up her trail.
My best wishes to Barbie’s family and friends. Her real friends. The ones who actually knew her and loved her. (As opposed to those of us who merely admired her from afar.) I hope she knew somehow that she led by example and opened the doors for many of the fetish tgirls who followed in her stiletto-heeled footsteps. And for all of you... I hope you have a Latex Barbie in your life. Someone who inspires you and feeds the many fantasies in your head. Someone who -- without even knowing it -- motivates you to take one step further. Someone who shows you that the unthinkable is actually thinkable. And when you get the chance to meet her, I hope you’ll take that chance.
You may never get a second one.
Take care out there.
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy.
Posted by CiCi Kytten at 10:13 AM