Saturday, July 20, 2013

A Friend I Never Met - A Blog for SuddenlyFem by CiCi Kitten


A Friend I Never Met

Last week, I lost a friend I never met. Latex Barbie was a tgirl I met online very early in my transgender exploration.  She was living not far from me in Los Angeles, and from her photos and stories, she seemed to be quite the active girl in the L.A. scene.  She was out-and-about, dating, clubbing, and playing kinky domme/sub games at local dungeons.

Now, before I go too far, I should say that I never really got to know Barbie. I’m sure there are others who are reading this who may have known her much better.  She was certainly active in the scene and active in the chats online.  I knew her more peripherally.  And that in fact was the only way I could have known someone back then. I didn’t go out and my online time was severely limited.  My time in the tgirl chatrooms was made up of stolen moments -- usually after all of my other family members had gone to sleep.  People online thought I was some crazy late night vampire kind of girl.  But the truth was, I’d stay up til 4 or 5 chatting, grab an hour or two of sleep, and then stumble off to work in a half-dazed, half-awake state of impairment.

I thought I'd post one of my old latex pix in honor of Latex Barbie and the way she inspired me.
Props to the very talented Gregg Welker who took this photo of me back in '07!

Back then, any girl who went out was an icon to me.  A legend.  An otherworldly creature who seemed, well.. other worldly!  I mean who in their right mind would go out dressed!?  You’d have to be crazy or ballsy beyond belief!  Was it guts or insanity? I didn’t know. Probably a little bit of both. All I knew was that I was intrigued. Very intrigued.

The added attraction to Latex Barbie was that she was, just as her name suggests, into latex.  Latex was -- and is -- one of my favorite styles.  Skintight.  Shiny.  Sexy and fetishy beyond belief.  It was not as tough as leather.  But not as soft as silk.  And it fit like a second skin.  

I didn’t own any latex then, but i found my online time divided between checking out tgirl profiles on the various tgirl websites, and checking out latex pix on the various fetish websites.  Latex Barbie, for me, crossed the gap.



I only chatted with her directly a few times.  But I kept up with her exploits by monitoring her profile and checking out her photos or cam shows.  At one point we even talked about getting together.  This memory is kind of embarrassing to me, because, as I look back now, I know that I had no intention of actually meeting her.  I mean... I wanted to.  I sincerely did.  But I had no cool clothes.  No nice wigs.  And my makeup skills sucked.  There was no way that an awkward, amateur newbie like me was going to walk out of my house and go meet an experienced, stylish, pretty girl like her.  Whatever that move would have taken... guts or insanity... I didn’t have enough of either.

Barbie was initially hesitant about meeting me -- as most experienced girls are when it comes to meeting newbies.  Newbies tend to cancel a lot.  And they’re often so shy and awkward that even when they do show up, they’re not much fun.  And they usually look nothing like the photos they post.  Disappointment is rampant when meeting a new girl.

Barbie saw something in me I guess.  She thought she’d take a chance.  But I canceled.  Just as I’m sure she probably thought I would.  She didn’t seem to hold it against me.  We still chatted from time to time.  And she was always very friendly to me.  But we never talked seriously about meeting again.  Years later, she moved away from California, and all thoughts of our actually meeting moved with her.

That story embarrasses me because I like to think I was above the typical newbie behavior.  But alas, I was a typical newbie back then.  Going through the same stages as most newbies do.  The fits and starts.  The denials.  The purges.  I went through all those stages, and now, looking back, all I seemed to have accomplished was delaying the obvious.  

Of course, back then nothing was obvious. I wasn’t convinced that I really was a tgirl.  And I was absolutely convinced that I’d never go out.  That I’d never act on any of those urges i was having.  It seemed... impossible.

That’s why friends and role models like Barbie were so important to me. They showed me that the impossible was, in fact, quite possible. And what’s more... it was fun!  If you haven’t done it yet, let me be the first to say... going out is fun!  Dressing up in your favorite style (be it latex or leather or lace or something more demure) is fun!  Making new friends in the tgirl scene is fun.

But you have to be crazy enough. You have to be brave enough.  And, somewhere down in your heart of hearts, you’ve got to really want to.

I think of those early days of online chatting quite frequently.  I try to recall all my fears and anxieties.  The misconceptions.  The ignorance.  The shame that I allowed to ruin my fun. 

And yet, it was also a time filled with wonder.  Of exploration and curiosity.  Of erotic  fantasies and wild imaginings.  And excitement -- both the sexual and non-sexual kind. It was a time for me when I was both excited and afraid.  When I was both inspired and intimidated.  And every “out” girl seemed like a goddess.

I never got to meet Barbie or to thank her for all the dreams and fantasies she helped send aloft.  I wonder if she would have even remembered me.  But her influence is very real and very tangible.  That’s what trailblazers do. They blaze trails so that the rest of us can follow.  In the old days I guess that meant hacking through sage brush and protecting the wagon train.  Today, I guess it means strutting around Hollywood in a shiny, skintight latex catsuit and then posting pix to social media.  At least that’s what it meant to Latex Barbie.

And although it took me a while to catch on, it was such a thrill for me when I finally picked up her trail.

My best wishes to Barbie’s family and friends.  Her real friends. The ones who actually knew her and loved her.  (As opposed to those of us who merely admired her from afar.)  I hope she knew somehow that she led by example and opened the doors for many of the fetish tgirls who followed in her stiletto-heeled footsteps.  And for all of you... I hope you have a Latex Barbie in your life.  Someone who inspires you and feeds the many fantasies in your head. Someone who -- without even knowing it -- motivates you to take one step further.  Someone who shows you that the unthinkable is actually thinkable.  And when you get the chance to meet her, I hope you’ll take that chance.  

You may never get a second one.

Take care out there.
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy.
xoxo,
CiCi


43 comments:

Living as Stephanie now said...

Sorry to hear about your online friend's passing... As a newbi I justed wanted to note about meeeting experienced tgirls. It's wonderful about meeting others. They can share pointers and offer advise or help newbi's in many ways

I am a older newbi but attending drag shows can open up your new world...plus make new friends

Annelise said...

The first time I went to an out-of-town fetish event -- a weekend devoted to latex, female masking, and assorted gender adventures -- I met Latex Barbie. Truly a force to be reckoned with... and an inspiration from the first hello (topless, as I recall). She proved to me that a person can pick more than one spot on the gender continuum and live life to the fullest at every one of those spots, with no apologies. I am lucky to have known her, even a little bit, and so sorry she's left this plane so soon. My condolences to everyone who is experiencing this loss...

Janet Gartner said...

This is such a terrible loss- and she was an influence to so many. I might be a real world newbie, but in the world of Second Life I have lived as a woman for going on 4 years now.
Make your dreams real... turn them from fantasies you've had.

Janet Gartner
Beginning my real world journey, and living as woman in Second Life for 4 years now.

Erika Ridley said...

Very sorry to have heard of Latex Barbie's demise. Gone but not forgotten and hope this be the case of many of us when we prove we're just like you and everyone else.

I unfortunately never met her but is not very likely since i've only ever been to the USA a few times and to be honest am not likely to in any future.

You don't say how she died or in what circumstances. Hopefully it was peaceful and she did not suffer.

Erika Ridley

Robyn Jasmine a.k.a. RJ said...

So sorry to hear about your friend's passing, it's always a hard thing to go through, no matter how well you knew (or didn't know) the person.

Anyway, I remember being where you described being in the beginning. The desire to meet others, go out in public... and the fear that always stopped me. Unfortunately, I never had a Latex Barbie to admire or aspire to be like. I had to find all my courage on my own, fighting through endless amounts of friends and family who disapprove of transsexualism. I'm proud of myself now, as I have not only the boldness to not give a shit in this world and live 24/7 as the woman I am, but to have such a supporting wife who already calls herself a lesbian despite my still-male body.

As far as meeting newbies, I actually dream about it. I fantasize about meeting someone who is where we all used to be in the beginning, who just needs encouragement and guidance... and me being the one to give it. And I am most willing to be patient through the nervous cancellations and typical newbie behavior @}:-

celeste hodson said...

I am sorry to hear about your friend. That can be a trying time.I also am a newbie but the good news is I will be going to my first group meeting soon.Where other T-women like me have been living in fear of coming out are finally getting the courage to be who they have known they always were.I too am both scared and excited.

placeless, and timeless said...

Perhaps it is still not easy to see things as they are -- you say that Barbie, in spite of the worry that newbies readily cancel, was willing to meet you.
I've not read _that_ many of your columns, but there is something special there, in your writing, and I suspect she saw that in you, and hoped -- even knew -- that she could help you blossom sooner than you did.
You did ultimately blossom, and go out. She probably had a hand in that.
We'll never meet, just as you and Barbie will now never meet; and as she touched you, you shall (and are) touch others.

Linda Jennings said...

Interesting CiCi...you were that stimulus to me...a woman that could go to Vegas and fit in so well....you stimulated me to the point that I live F/T now, an actually go to places I only dreamed about both in Vegas and LA...maybe someday we'll meet!

Linda Jennings, Palm Springs

Anonymous said...

RIP, Barbie. Really nice article.

saracdtv said...

I too chatted with Barbie many times in the past, both when she lived in L.A. and in Phoenix. I had tried to get in touch with her again but could not locate her, I am very sorry to hear of her demise and hope it was a natural and peaceful death as I am hearing lately of a lot of violent murders of T-Gurls again. Melony Smith lived about 7 miles from me and was recently murdered ( I just heard that they caught her killer )

CiCi Kytten said...

Thank you, all! Your letters really did cheer me up. And from so many different perspectives... newbies and experienced girls alike!

I try to go back in my mind to the days before I went out. And i can remember how important the online community was. It still is to some degree, but once you start meeting other girls in the flesh, and bonds form, online life is never the same.

But it was my whole world back then. And the girls who were brave enough to go out were like goddesses to me. I was both intimidated and inspired.

But more than anything.. regardless of their fashion sense or lifestyle.. they showed me quite simply that it was possible. That normal mortals just like me were doing it. Hitting the clubs. Shopping in malls. Sashaying down Sunset. (In latex no less.)

And that's what i try to tell the new girls i chat with. It's possible. It's right there for you. Just be patient, you'll know when the time is right.

:)

CiCi Kytten said...

One last thought...

To all who asked... I still know nothing more about Latex Barbie's passing. And honestly, I don't feel as though i knew her well enough to ask.

But i've been quite pleasantly surprised to hear from many other girls who knew her -- and yet did not know her. Apparently Barbie was one of those online personalities who was outgoing enough to reach across all kinds of barriers. It's amazing how many lives you can touch -- just by being brave enough and open enough to be yourself.

I only hope that some how she knew just how many lives she touched and how many people she inspired.

xoxo,
CiCi

Anonymous said...

CiCi,

Thanks, I also lost a online friend that was so love by her family and friends. Lisa had 1400 Facebook friends and her close friends that she would attend events with.

CiCi thanks for inspiration! I always enjoy seeing you around town.
xoxo,
Patti

Anonymous said...

Cici; ai am quite new to posting messages to people I really don't know, but since I started thisone maybe others will follow. I LOVE the way I feel DRESSED, and wish sometimes I could do it more. Perhaps when I move out of this place I will be able to. I am not very good at dressing but getting better, thanks to sud.fem help MY C.D. NAME IS SHARON A new/old dresser.JIM {jimbobno1@outlook.com}

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