Monday, June 17, 2013

My Fuzzy Denial - a blog for SuddenlyFem by CiCiKitten

I never dressed completely until I was 40 years old.  Before that, like most t-girls, i had urges.  I had fantasies. I had vague notions of femininity.  But I never acted on them and, to be honest, I’m not sure I if would have known how to act on them even if I’d wanted to.

I’ve written about my youth before.  I lived in boy world.  Three brothers. No sisters. Rural New England milltown.  We played sports.  We built tree forts.   And, in the summer, we played hide-and-seek until the street lights came on.  We rode our bike down trails in the woods and we played “war” by tossing pine cones and crabapples as hand grenades.

Were there girls in our neighborhood?  Yes.  Did we play house?  Occasionally.  But guys ruled in our neighborhood.  Even when we played with dolls, it was action figures and GI Joes.

I’m recounting all this to show just how little motivation there was to be a girl.  Or to act like a girl.  Or to even think about acting like a girl.  

Partying poolside with the Viva WildSide girls.   May 2013.

And if you grew up in a typical community with a typical family somewhere in the US around the same time, I’m assuming you had just as little motivation as I did.  So was I in denial all those years?  Or was I simply not encouraged? 

Well here’s the thing... a lot of t-girls grew up under similar circumstances... and they did act on their feminine feelings.  They did risk the insults and the ostracization.  The ridicule from family and friends.  The loneliness.  The bullying.

Now I can tell you right from the start, I didn’t have the inner strength for any of that.  And I’m not basing that on my hidden femininity.  I’m basing that on my entire life. I’ve always been more of a follower than a leader. I’ve always sought the approval of others.  (Oddly enough, these traits now help me somewhat as a submissive!)

But if I wasn’t going to blaze new trails or think independently when it came to choosing clothes for school, or themes for lunchboxes, or favorite tv shows and pop bands, then I certainly wasn’t going to be the town gender rebel.  

The truth is, most of what I remember about my emerging femininity comes from recalling it.  Almost as if I wasn’t aware of it at the time.  Almost as if it only became clearer after I matured and gradually began to come to terms with it as an adult.

I clearly remember being very popular in elementary school.  I was a pretty good student.  I was good at kickball.  And I had an older brother who was cool (and I rode his coat tails).

But junior high was totally different.  All of a sudden sex entered the picture. Girls’ bodies were changing.  Boys’ attitudes towards girls were changing.  In junior high it was suddenly cool to talk to girls whereas in elementary school, it was very uncool. But I felt left behind.  I wasn’t ready for any of that.  Now that could certainly be a personal thing -- having nothing to do with my transgender side.  I mean, every kid grows up at a different pace.

But I was really confused. I had no idea what to say to a girl.  I had no idea what I was supposed to do with a girl.  And, more than anything, I really didn’t feel the urgency that other boys seemed to feel to “get with” girls.  I didn’t kiss. I didn’t hold hands.  I didn’t go near them.  And sex?  I didn’t have sex until college.

Was I shy?  Definitely.  Was I an awkward geek?  Absolutely.  But was there something more going on?  That’s what I can never be sure of.  Were my feelings of gender confusion (and, to be honest, my homosexuality), having an effect?  And to what degree?

I guess it really doesn’t matter now.  I can’t go back.  But I’m a curious person.  And hopelessly self-absorbed.  So I’d like to know.

What was I thinking?  That’s something I ask myself all the time.  Even now.  Especially when I do something stupid. I look back in hindsight and think, “What was I thinking?”

So now I wonder about my transgender nature.  As a young child.  As an adolescent.  As a young adult.  I didn’t really come to terms with all of this and start acting on these feelings until my forties!  That’s a pretty long time to suppress.  Or repress.  Or deny.
But I guess that’s what I was doing.

What was I thinking?  As I said at the beginning of this blog.  I know I had urges. I know I had girlish feelings.  But I also had the urge to play centerfield for the Yankees.  Or to run away and join some hot rock and roll band like the Monkees or the Partridge Family. 
I didn’t act on those urges either.  But that’s what kids do.  They fantasize about their futures.  

When it came to femininity, my fantasies were all very vague.  Vague and unformed.  And, I think this is important, I simply didn’t have any encouragement or motivation to dwell on them or to “form” them into something.  I wished -- as a lot of kids do -- that the rules of the world weren’t so strict.  But the rules that bugged me were the unwritten gender rules.  It bugged me that the lines of boy behavior and girl behavior were so clearly drawn.  I particularly hated the fact that -- for whatever reason -- all of the other boys seemed to know these rules, and I did not.  I thought I was just acting normally.  Like most kids, I was acting naturally without much of a filter on my behavior.  But if I acted too girlie in some way, the other boys on the playground were sure to correct me.  Even the text books and teachers of that era were big on clearly defining what boys wore and what girls wore.  What boys did and what girls did.  (It was the 60’s so I remember the whole “boys have short hair, girls have long hair” issue being discussed at length.)

The world was very black and white.  Or, should I say, pink and blue.

So, with all that in mind.  Was I repressing? Is that denial?  I guess on some level it is.  (Okay, on many levels it is.)  But I never felt like I was missing out on things.  Again, it is only in hindsight that I realize how much I might have missed.  On how much more comfortable I could have felt.  How much more fun I could have had.

Which all brings me to today.  It has been suggested to me -- despite all the fun that I am now having -- that I may still be in denial.  That I may still be repressing.  They suggest that perhaps I should be transitioning.  That for me -- from their observations -- this femininity thing is much more than a “hobby” or a sexual fetish.  It is instead who I am.

And that feels very familiar.  I have fantasies. I have urges.  But should I act on them?  Should I take all those risks?  (BTW... I’m not knocking my friends for suggesting this. They’re not playground bullies trying to control my behavior.  They’re good friends who care about me and want me to be happy.) 

So once again, I’m not sure.  When I was a young boy, I was having too much fun to think about being a girl.  Today, I’m having so much fun as a crossdresser, I don’t think that much about transitioning or going 24/7.

At least not seriously.  And once again I’m back where i was forty years ago.  Confused.  Conflicted. With vague feelings -- still unformed.  My fuzzy denial.

Take care out there.

Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy.


Anonymous said...

wow, you hit everything right on the head for me- right down to playing centerfield for the Yankees. It's like you wrote it for me! Only started CD a year ago, never thought I could look as good as I do (I had expert help). Now I know what I want, but trapped most of the time in as a man. Have to, I have a daughter how needs me. Thanks for sharing, I want to laugh and cry at the same time.


Part Time Danielle

Anonymous said...

P.S. you look hot!

part Time Danielle

Stacie Underwood said...

I can relate to the differences in culture from then to now. Things happen when they are supposed to though. I am happy right where I am. I think you are too. I can still remember what really turned the switch for me way back then.

crissy said...

Hi CC thank you so much for sharing your inner self with us for me it is very helpful to know that I'm not alone in this world as far as my thinking goes on being transgender.I grew up in the same era as you and everything you said rings true about school and society back then.When your a kid being accepted rules but when your different the confusion and frustration can be so overwhelming because you cant talk to anyone about because in my case I didn't know what was up with me and I was scared to death that I would be tagged as a freak by other kids and adults so you kept your mouth shut.For me being a girl is all that I wanted but that was impossible because just fitting in was full time work. Having girlfriends felt right because that is what was expected of you but I wasn't happy.Thanks to you and other gutsy girls and lets not forget the internet life has gotten better and the thoughts in my head have become much more understandable and now my path is much clearer. Again thank you so much for being you...Crissy

Jodi said...

Dido for me as we'll , all male family, awkward and geeky. tried for years to be the tough guy, joined the military, played football, the usual denial stuff we transgendered go through. Now I've come to terms with who I am and I'm in my fifties, still searching but I'm a lot more relieved now I've come out to family and friends.

I love your writings Cici, you always bring perspective into my life, you don't realise it but you help bring understanding to what use to be a confusing life I once had.



JinianVictoria said...

You called everything exactly what I went thru except in my case it was the Milwaukee Braves and not the Yankees. It never dawned on me that girls were the focus at somepoint for boys to be with. I never bothered with a date until my senior prom. I knew i was different but I wanted to be the girl in a dating situation with boys, i wanted to be the cheerleader not the jock. I never really started being What I wanted until I was 42 after I retired. Now, I cant even imagine myself doing that at all (being male). Thank you for your commet it really put out what many of us are too scared to admit. Well done

Janet Gartner said...

That's how it is with me- I couldn't believe I was trying to be what I wasn't. And I'm 45 now... I am looking for what I need to transform myself- which is rather hard considering I'm still making money to just live on.

Hugs and kisses,
Janet Gartner

Anonymous said...

Love your story, I totally understand.
I stated dressing 2011, I am now 65 years young; when I dress everyone thinks I'm in my 40's, which of course is a plus.
Love to dress nice, sexy and smell good. Wish I could have started earlier; missed out on enjoying the beauty of being a women.


Jexee said...

Very nice blog Cici. Like others that have left comments, the things you mentioned were typical of what I was feeling through my whole life.

I crossdressed through my 40's and I'm now 50. Unfortunately I think I have passed my peak physically and probably will never recover the body and style I had when I was actually able to go out in public and not be embarrassed.

I wish is to go back to the age I was in High School when I had a lovely girlish body and a choice to make then. Had I known how much of a submissive I am and how much I enjoy being feminine...I would have done it differently.

Anyway, Hopefully your insight will help some young people make up their minds sooner so they won't miss out on the fun and happiness being your true self can bring.


celeste hodson said...

I know just what everyone else feels the same passion to be all the woman you can be.I also wish to be all the woman I can be and soon I will be in a position where I can follow my goal of becoming a real woman in all ways mind and body. I have known I was different from boys from before my teens and this female feeling just kept getting stronger as time went by. I played the male role as I had to for my career and in front of my family. But soon I will be able to see who my true friends will be when I start the journey to becoming a full time woman. Your blogs give me strength and hope for my future to becoming the woman I should have been all along. Love Celeste

Edward Dansby said...

This is so me.....
I woke up this morning and on one hand I wanted to shot it to the world 50.001% of me while the other 49.999% said keep it inside..... I'm almost at the point where I want to go on my gurl FB profile and say this is me....and see who notices. As I'm sure you know it's like trying to keep something so joyous in you but ever fiber in your being is saying tell someone.
XO Ed Dansby a.k.a. Sherry Jons

Euphoria Ts said...

“Perpetual Duality” is a force to be reckoned with in our universe. It describes the world we live in where everything seems to be double-sided. There is always another point of view to consider, another angle. How many times have you heard someone say “There are two sides to that story”?
The entire human existence has evolved from this simple yet significant bipolar system. Some of life’s most basic rules are based on perpetual duality…

Good – Bad
Black – White
Up - Down
Right – Left
Male – Female
A or B

We humans seem to live with the constant fluctuation between two opposites. We behave like acrobats as we try to find our balance on a tight rope without thinking about the little things in life…like who am I and what am I doing here?

Living in a state of perpetual duality is befuddling…especially when it comes to matters controlled by our Yin – Yang...the masculine and feminine parts of our being that define our lives. Most people’s eyes glaze over when I try to explain the difference between gender identity and sexual preference and where I fit on the continuum of transgenderism. The concept of duality, which is at the core of human evolution, is not easy for some to comprehend. Perpetual is far too long past tomorrow for most to think about..,.

But, perpetual duality is my chosen path. I have found a way to compartmentalize my life. I keep my male “twin” around for part of my time for all sorts of reasons while I am trying to live in a world that is far too judgmental. I've already walked away from my old life in many ways. But there are still opportunities that would disappear if I were to fully transition. So, for now...this is my way to works for me for the most part but is not without its complexities and challenges...Perpetual Duality.

Jexee Duda said...

It would be so hard to come out of the closet with me. Only my closest friends and strangers know...My Family and co-workers would never understand.

I admire anyone who switches to full time. It would take a lot of courage and like others have said, you'll find out who you real friends are.

marie nichols said...

Thank you CiCi for such a open, soul-baring post. for most of my life (after attaining adulthood) I played the Alpha-Top Dog Male role that society had defined for me. I had no inhibitions about my sexual identity or preference when I was a teen, indeed I was very open about it, except for the cross dressing. I had been humiliated by my older step sister early on, learned that this was something that was better kept a secret. Not having a overly masculine countenance at that time helped me be the 'female' partner in my sexual acts with guys my own age. Later, after the body hair grew and the facial hair became very apparent, I went along with society's definition of who I should be, but deep down I still felt the longing urge to dress feminine. but I was embarrassed by these feelings and generally rejected them after I had ejaculated. Now, in my mid 40's, I've come to realize that I missed a big part of myself during those denial years. And I too ask and ponder why occasionally. I now dress regularly (even at work though not tooo flagrantly) and openly shop for female clothes and makeup. It's such a shame that we all seem to have to come through this crucible to realize our true selves.

Anonymous said...

That's me too. Even today I'm confused about what to or not to do. I grew up in the same era and you didn't dare think such things. I'm still very much in denial. I rarely dress any more and I miss that part of me.
I enjoyed reading your article and thank you.

Anonymous said...


I am a Transwoman, like many I can relate to your blog. I decided to go forward with transitioning at 39 years of age. I went full-time at 41. If I was to give advise to anyone regarding their gender identity is to know yourself, and what it takes for you to be happy. Some people can be happy with cross dressing, others that is not enough because switching back to "male mode" can be very traumatic. For me in the last few months before making my transition to living as a woman 24/7, I never wanted to go back to being a man.

Something else to remember is that for some people they enjoy the "fetish" or dressing in woman's clothes but still identify as male. Others of us find that when we dress as male that is the cross dressing, not dressing as female.

It is most important to just be yourself whoever that may be male, female, male Cross-dresser, MtF Transgender, FtM Transgender. Gender Queer, Gender Fluid. There are so many different identifications within the Trans community sometimes it can be difficult to understand all the differences.

For me my decision to go forward or at least look for help about my gender identity was when I came back from a summer event and broke down crying when I got home realizing that I do not feel like a man, and that I knew that I should be like every woman I saw that day, but I could not understand why I did not look like them. The following week I was at a support group, and shortly after that with a therapist. Shorty after that on HRT. Now I am finally comfortable in my skin for the 1st time in my life, living as female 100% of the time. I have had FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery), and planning next year for SRS, and BA (Breast Augmentation).

I hope this has been useful for some of those readers out there. Best of luck for everyone out there.

FLSunShine said...

Transition or know the answer somewhere within you. Or you you have a strong enough opinion somewhere in there to make a decision about deciding. It's your life and you need to be you because you can be. You have the culture around you to do it successfully...not all tgirls do. You decide-when you are ready, when you know. No guessing, CiCi. We love you and support you no matter what you choose!!

Anonymous said...

I am so confused right now. It helps to read these post and know I'm not alone. I have dressed in private probably a dozen times since I was 5 years old. Most of that being in the last 5 years. I am now well into my 40s with a wife, kids and am invested and involved in a family business. I can't make this public. My wife knows and thinks it is just a fantasy or escape that we keep in private. Maybe that is all it is. I'm not sure myself. I want to get better at being Jenny and being passable. In time I will see where it goes. I have tried to make friends on facebook in the trans community with a false name but am not having any luck. Anyway thanks for providing this blog CiCi and for the others who share!