Monday, May 20, 2013

Some Tips for New Girls (of all ages!) -- a blog for SuddenlyFem by CiCi Kitten

I’ve been looking back over some of my older blogs lately. You may not realize this, but I’ve been writing this blog since 2007.  Looking back at blogs is a little like looking back at old photos.  Or reading old diaries.  I read a little bit of each one… and I’m immediately transported back to the mindset I was in at the time that I was writing it. Obviously, a lot in my life has changed since 2007.  I wasn’t necessarily a newbie back then. But I was fairly new to the scene.  Fairly new to going out. And I still had a lot to learn about this life.  (Six years later, I still need to learn a lot more!)

Today, if I get a question from someone online, when appropriate, I direct them to one of my blogs.  But I realize it’s been a while since I’ve written anything significant about life as a new crossdresser.  After all, I haven’t been a newbie for quite some time.  But out in the world, the newbies keep coming. I don’t think anyone’s keeping count or documenting statistics, but I think this community is growing.  Thanks to changing views in society and thanks to the wonderful – and wonderfully supportive – online tgirl world, more and more crossdressers are entering the scene every year.

And “new” doesn’t necessarily mean “young.” Sure, some of the girls that I’ve met recently are indeed 22 year-old sweet young things. But other newbies are as likely to be 32. Or 42.  Or 62!  People come into this life at all different times in their lives.  For all different reasons.  And yet, the fears and frustrations, anxieties and concerns, are often quite similar.

I see their photos online and I’m immediately transported back to my early days.  The faceless, headless photos.  The mismatched styles.  The wigs that don’t quite fit right… or that have strands of hair covering their faces.  The dirty glass in the reflecting mirror shots.  I know these shots well.  I’ve taken these shots! 

Here's one of my older pix...

BTW… there are some beginners out there who just take to this like a duck to water. You see their first pix – either at home or out at a night club – and they look like they’ve been doing it all their lives.  They’re naturals.  But I doubt those girls are reading this blog.  They’re too busy setting the world on fire.

For the rest of us mere mortals, the first stages of tgirl life can be very scary.  Frustrating.  Confusing.  And, above all else, extremely exciting.  Chances are you’ve been thinking about this moment for most of your life.  And now, maybe, just maybe – it’s about to happen.  You’re about to introduce the world to your femme side.  You’re trying to summon your courage.  You’re trying to quiet your fears.  You’re trying to pick out the perfect purse to match with your perfect shoes.

And I’d like to help.  So here are a few tips… some thoughts and answers in response to some questions that I’ve recently received.

Be patient with yourself.
Don’t be fooled by a false sense of urgency.  That will only lead you to make bad decisions.  Life is long.  And you have a lot to sort out.  Some of us experienced girls may have forgotten all of the many things racing through a new girl’s mind.  But I do remember this.  It was all very scary and confusing.  And it always seemed like there was a lot at risk.  I was terrified.  You might be too.  So take your time.  Plan your next move thoughtfully. And consider all of the risks and benefits. That might seem like conservative approach for a confirmed party girl like me.  But believe me, that’s the way I entered this world. Slowly.  Cautiously.  Fearfully!  But I just kept moving slowly forward. And now… over ten years later…  There’s no going back.

Be patient with your friends.
Give your friends and family time to adjust.  I’ve heard from many girls who get frustrated that their wife or girlfriend or parents don’t immediately accept them.  And, obviously, that would be the perfect situation.  Immediate acceptance.  But it rarely happens.  Even if the initial reactions you receive are positive, you may still have a long way to go before you receive what you consider to be total acceptance.  What I always try to remind everyone is that most of us took a long time to accept ourselves as tgirls!  Some of us took twenty, thirty or forty years to accept our femme sides.  Yet we somehow expect our friends to accept us in a matter of days or weeks?  That’s not really realistic.  And it’s not really fair.  Give your significant others a significant time to adjust to the new you.  It’ll be worth it.  There are no sure things in life. Particularly in this life.  But you never know, over time, maybe they’ll come to see that you’re the same you you always were.  Maybe just a little bit more fab!

Work on it.
In the drag world, there’s a popular phrase, “Work it, girl!”  In cd/tv life, it’s a little bit different.  We’re not performers.  We’re not on a stage.  Even if you’re never planning on transitioning into a full-time girl, you’re probably hoping to blend into the real world.  And that’s not easy.  (Drag isn’t easy either. But that’s a whole different scene.) Most of us didn’t grow up with role models or mentors in the field of femininity.  Our moms or big sisters didn’t sit us down and teach us how to do makeup.  Or how to match outfits.  Or how to affect a certain style.  Most of us enter this world as blank slates.  Everything seems possible.  But once we get started, everything seems impossible!  Right down to the smallest detail.  (I still can’t get my fake eyelashes on straight!)  

Like any craft or art form, feminizing takes hard work.  Commitment.  Dedication.  You have to research fashion and style.  You have to research makeup products and techniques.  You have to check out other girls – gg and tg – to see what you like out there. As well as what you don’t like.  And then you have to practice.  You have to experiment with different approaches.  It’s so much fun to play with style that you might not even realize it’s work.  But it is.  And the more “work” you put in, the better your results will be.

Don’t Chase Trends.
In my adult life, I’ve worked at both high schools and universities.  So I’ve had the chance to observe young woman.  And no, not in a naughty way.  But I’d be lying if I didn’t watch them to see how they’re doing their makeup or rocking a particular style.  Of course, young girls tend to be trendy, so that helps an old fart like me keep up with the latest fashions.  And it’s taught me one important lesson.  Every trend doesn’t work for every girl!  And that only gets more important in tgirl world.  Every trend that works for a gg, doesn’t necessarily work for a tg!

Fashionistas are famous for designing clothes for 99 pound 16 year olds.  Not the best body model for a 45 year old guy twice that size!  So trying to squeeze into that hot little number you saw at Forever 21 might be a bit frustrating.  Difficult.  Impossible!  (As a plug for my sister website, SuddenlyFem, you might want to try some feminine fashions designed for men.  You may find their styles and lines a little more flattering.)

Now I’m not saying that you shouldn’t take chances. You’re a tgirl.  Danger is your middle name.  You laugh in the face of convention.  Your whole life is a risk! So, by definition, you’re probably going to take some fashion risks.  But try to be realistic.  Take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror.  Look at the girl you currently are… not the girl you hope to be.  

The Girl You Hope to Be.
Eyes on the prize.  I just said in the last paragraph, don’t concentrate on the “girl you hope to be.”  But that’s when you’re picking out your wardrobe for that day or that weekend.  In the big picture, ALWAYS focus on the girl you want to be. You’ll find her to be a moving target as you move and grow through this life.  (Just as your dreams for your guy life have morphed and changed.)  But only you know who you truly wish to become.  Only you know who you really wish to present to the world.  And I believe that with courage, dedication and hard work, you can become that person. 

This quote has been attributed to many, but most sources attribute it to psychiatrist Thomas Szasz ( a man I know nothing about).  But I do like his quote: "The self is not something we find; the self is something we create."  

The internet has had an extraordinary impact on the transgender community.  From the most timid pantyboy to the 24/7 girls undergoing SRS.  On the internet, we’ve found friendship, support, and lots of information.  In fact, sometimes, it can almost feel like you’re getting too much information.  You hit the chats, and your head is filled with advice and counsel from well-meaning friends and peers.  And I know that for me, there were times that that advice got confusing.  Some girls said take it slow.  Some girls said get out there now!  Some girls advised me to tone down my style before I went out.  Some said I should turn up the volume.  Some girls were rather shy about sex and dating.  Some girls fucked like bunnies.  (And advised me to do the same.)  Some said to take my friends’ and family’s concerns into consideration.  Some said, “Fuck ‘em all, do what you like. It’s your life!”

So what’s a girl to do with all those voices shouting in her head?  You have to chill.  You have to breathe.  And, I know it sounds trite, but you have to listen to your heart.  And your head.  If you’re reading this blog, you’re looking for information.  To me, that means you’re intelligent.  Thoughtful.  And you’re going about all of this craziness in a very sane and rational way. 

So don’t let the craziness overwhelm you.  You’ll get a lot of advice (including this blog!).  And you’ll have a lot of desire inside you urging you one way or the other.  But you’ll also have plenty of fears about the risks involved… family, marriage, employment?  You have a lot to lose. And no one – no one! -- online is in your precise situation.  No one knows your family or your supervisor at work.  No one knows how you grew up or where you come from spiritually or emotionally.  No two girls are in the same situation.  No two girls have the same objectives.  And no two girls will attack their femininity in the same way.  So quiet all those voices in your head (and on the net).  And do you’ve always wanted to do...  

Be yourself.  

(Maybe just a little bit more fab!)

Take care out there!

Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy.



Julie Taylor said...

Another great blog, the only thing I would add is if you live in a medium to large city is to find a group of T-Girls to go out with. Most cities have groups and you just have to work a little to find them. I am fortunate to live in Portland, Or where we have the Rose City T-Girls, a very active group that goes out at least twice a week and sometimes 3 times a week to different venues. Very empowering.
Hugs to all you girls,

Anonymous said...

Be patient with yourself....Nothing could be more true. Pushing beyond your limit's is always a recipe for disaster. It's not just about knowing your own limits but knowing the limits of others, weather it's family, friends, or strangers.

I live in a very trans friendly town. I'm still nervous every time I go out though and society has something to do with that but it's not entirely their falt. No one could have planned for what anyone feels at any given time. It just happens.

Great blog CiCi. Looking forward to your next.


Anonymous said...

I enjoy your post, as I am out I look all the time to seeif that would work for me as I am with my wife how do you find someone that you can talk to. As I have look in my area I have not found anyone.

Jodi said...

Hi CiCi,

Thanks for the advise, it's really valued...I am just starting out or should I say "come out" to wife, family and friends. I'm slowly negotiating my way through all of this as I'm still trying to come to terms with it all. It's one thing to be living in the closet so to speak, with only you with your thought's and dreams. It isn't until you have come out that it opens up not only relief but the realisation that you no longer have to live a lie. It's about being true to your self I suppose, if there is anyone I could model myself off it would have to be you, I look forward to more advise,



Karla korazon said...


another very good blog by CICI
we all enjoy them
I live in Mexico City, hometown of the "Macho",in the old days they could hit you if they find you dressing as a girl, nowadays the story has changes and Tgirls are cool.
I started dressing out at 18 in the mid 70´s!!! that was brave!!!
Now we have clubs with makeup, boutique, and cafeterias.


CiCi Kytten said...

Thanks for your comments, everyone!

Julie, You're absolutely right about finding friends. It can make all the difference in the world. I'm planning on writing a blog about that in the near future. And, for anonymous, i'll try to attack the issue of finding people to talk to. (it sucks to go through this alone.)

Chrissy, i go out most often in L.A. and Vegas -- two cities that I've found to be extremely trans-friendly (relatively speaking). And i still get nervous every night out! Jodi, i'm not so sure i'm the best role model for any of this, but i'm totally flattered by your comment. Just please know that i am very much a product of my community -- a group of really fab and very supportive girls who have helped me to feel confident about the person i am.

and that's really all i can wish for any girl. the confidence to be yourself.


CiCi Kytten said...

Thanks so much for your comment! Please contact me! I'd love to hear more about your story and your life in Mexico! the lives of trans people around the globe fascinate me! (

Anonymous said...

Hi CiCi,

I just came across your site and blog, looking for places to share my site - the young ones never had it so good, but it's still really tough to get out for the first time. We have a great scene in the UK but making genuine friends is still hard. We always have to go back and support the new people on their journey.

x Beckie

Anonymous said...

Once again your insights and experience have lifted me. So may I make a suggestion for the "New Girls" -SIN- Safety In Numbers especially on your first few times going out. My first full time out was on a Halloween night (so cliche) LOL -I would not change it for the would.


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