Friday, March 15, 2013

Epic Fail - A blog by CiCi Kitten for SuddenlyFem

I’ve failed at just about everything I’ve ever tried.

Now whenever I say that, my friends all come to my rescue.  They rush in to tell me that I’m definitely not a failure.  Surely that can’t be true.  Surely I can’t feel that way.  But it is.  And I do.  I know they’re trying to make me feel better, and I appreciate that.  But it doesn’t change the truth.

I’ve failed at just about everything I’ve ever tried.

Especially the important stuff. I failed as a husband.  I failed as a step-dad.  I failed at my screenwriting career. I failed at my back-up career in marketing.  My personal finances are a disaster and most of my possessions are now locked up in a storage bin.  

And that’s not even the worst of it!  My biggest failure?  I’m still not exactly sure why.  I mean, I’m not the most assertive, confident guy in the world.  But I’m fairly bright. Fairly articulate.  Passionate.  Thoughtful. I’m even confident enough to say I’m talented. My co-workers like me.  My bosses seem to like me and appreciate me.  So you’d think there’d be some place in the business world for someone like me.

But I haven’t found it yet.

Obviously there’s something off.  A lot of times it just seems like my instincts are off.  I get conservative when I should take risks.  And I take risks when I should be playing it safe.  Or, maybe even worse, I get indecisive. Maybe some day I’ll figure it out.  (But I doubt it.)

And that brings me to CiCi.  In more ways than one.

CiCi is one of the few things that I think I’ve done right. I mean, she’s a part of me.  But she’s also my creation.  And I’m pretty happy with the way she’s turned out.  Now she’s never had a job or a career or any serious relationships so I guess it would be difficult to say that she’s been successful.

But I will say this.  She has good instincts.  She’s decisive. Things come easily to her.  Don’t get me wrong, CiCi has worked hard in her own way… dieting, working out, working on her style and makeup, working on feeling more comfortable in public.  It’s been a tough road – as it is for every tgirl.  Lots of doubts. Lots of setbacks.  Lots of missteps. 

But despite all that… CiCi is making progress.  Slowly maybe. Unsteadily perhaps.  But progress nonetheless.  My guy side, on the other hand, has never made much progress.  He often seems to be moving backwards.

But, life is pretty strange sometimes.  And despite all of my failings, somehow, being a failure has kind of helped me.  In fact, it’s helped me a lot.

Here’s how.

I’ve met so many people in girlworld who don’t feel free to pursue this life the way they’d like.  They’re afraid of getting caught.  (As many of us are.)  But because they’ve been successful in life, they feel like they have too much to lose.

They don’t want to risk their wonderful marriage or their loving family.  They don’t want to lose their good job or their position of respect in their industry or in the community.  So they have to hold back on the cd/tv thing.  And it’s very hard to get good at something when you’re holding back.

I see it all now.  Because I’ve had a lot of time to myself I have felt free to experiment with make up.  With different fashions and style.  I mean, I’ve been lonely a lot.  But the upside?  Uninterrupted mirror time!  So I could try different make up… a little more heavy, a little more subtle. Different colors, different length lashes.  And all that face time pays off.

Same with trying on clothes.  Getting the right style. Getting the right fit.  That’s hard to do when you’re wife and kids are out shopping and you expect them back in an hour.  I mean, how many outfits can you play mix-and-match with in an hour?  (Especially for a fetish girl like me who likes latex.  That stuff is hell to get in and out of!)

As for going out?  I’m far from fearless. But I’m not that worried that I’m going to be discovered.  I’m not afraid I’m going to be embarrassed in my community.  Because I don’t have a community.  I’ve moved around too much.  So, even though I came from a very stable family that never moved the entire time I was young, I’ve never really put down roots.

I hope my supervisors at work don’t find out about me.  (At least not until I’m ready to tell them.) But I’ve already been passed over for several promotions, so I can’t see how it could hurt my standing in their eyes.  They obviously don’t think much of me to start with. 

I’ve actually told a few of my co-workers about CiCi, and they’ve all been cool with it.  In fact, I think it’s raised my status!  I think I went from the dorky guy in the back cubicle to the dorky guy in the back cubicle with the strange and exotic secret. I could be mistaken, but they all seem to treat me nicer now.

The song says, “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.”  Well, that kinda sums it all up for me.  I’ve lost it all.  Actually, I’ve lost it all twice now, but let’s not belabor the point.  The point is that all my failures… all my time alone… all my time staying up way too late chatting on the internet like some lonely loser… has some how paid off for me.

I have friends all over the world.  I have the confidence to go out and have fun.  And I’ve been able to develop a feminine style that actually feels right on me.  I may not feel all that comfortable in the business world.  Or as a family man.  But I can say that, for the most part, I finally feel comfortable in my own skin.

At least I do when I’m in CiCi mode.  Don’t get me wrong. I don’t wish you the failures. I wish you the freedom.  I’d love to see a cd/tv girl really get it all.  The good life. The great wife. The career. The happy well-adjusted kids.  A closet full of sexy lingerie, hot shoes, and shimmering clubwear… and a cute little summer cabin out by the lake.  Maybe some of you already have that.  Lucky bitch!  But for most of us, that all remains a fantasy.  Heck, a fairly happy family and a shoebox full of frilly panties in the back of the closet is a fantasy for a lot of us.  Not that it matters.  I don’t believe in fantasies any more.

But CiCi does.  (God I envy her!)

For me, it’s been a pretty crazy life these past 10 years or so.  Lots of ups and downs. Lots of truly unbelievable adventures.  Lots of amazing new friends.  And lots of moments of true personal discovery and clarity.  In short, it’s been epic.

Or as the kids might say… Epic Fail.

Take care out there.

Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy.


Sandra M. Lopes said...

There is certainly much in what you say. The less you have, the less you have to lose. I tend to say that all that I have now is a loving wife and my elderly (conservative) parents, since I lost all the rest (good job, money, etc.). But it's still a huge barrier: I fear discovery by my neighbours not because of me, but because of my wife... or because I'd fear that my parents would get a heart attack if they knew, and they're already quite old at that, and deserve a bit of peace in the few years that remain for them.

So, yes, if you have no attachments to anything, «coming out» is much easier. Even transition is easier! After all, if the only person left that cares is you, everything else are just details.

In any case, CiCi is definitely a "success", no matter how "success" is measured (and it's almost always measured the wrong way, anyway), so it's not even true that you're a "loser" or a "failure". You are just enthused by completely different challenges which motivate you. In my mind, "success" is pretty much meeting our own challenges, the goals we set for ourselves. Unfortunately, society as a whole has their own ideas of what the "goals" are supposed to be.

When at your deathbed people ask you if you lead a successful life, you will be able to smile and say: "Yes. CiCi was a success. No regrets. I've enjoyed it all the way." How many people can really, truly, say the same?

Anonymous said...

I'm glad I'm lucky enough to have me you over the Internet !! Thank God you're here.

Dani in Baltimore said...

You are not alone. Your story could be mine. Marital pressures highlighted my my failure as a man. I wasn't going to transition, but keeping up appearances and my wife's anxieties, depression, nagging (nightly) plus the kid's issues caused me to start breaking down. Only with the help of a really cool therapist did I realize that I had to transition. When I did (the scariest thing I've ever done) the world tilted on it's correct axis for the first time in 43 years. I wasn't hiding anymore. I've been out almost a year now and almost everything I was failing at I'm now beginning to succeed. At work people I once thought of as merely friendly co-workers proved to be friends indeed. I found myself surrounded by a ring of support right out of a transgender dream. I believe that given time even things which haven't worked out yet will reconcile. Let's all hang in there together. - Dani

Suzanne said...

Cici what you've gained with your "failures" is alot of empathy that most successful people almost totally lack. You can readily relate to gender transitioners and feel with their agony and frustration. you've been there and atlast are in the position to hear and share their problems in a very meaningful way. Often they have no other person they can trust. Hang in there and keep writing of your experiences and be the "dear abbey" of our crowd. Suzanne

melody Whaley said...

CiCi you are a lucky woman. I'm still tryin' to get used to goin' out in public as myself,(for those that don't get it "girled up"). The first few times goin' out were really nerve wreckin' for me, course the worst thing i could think of happened a co-worker saw me out and of course he told every one at work by the end of the weekend. Fortunately, most at work didn't care. While I would love to be a woman at all times I can't due to havin' to "boy up" for different things, ie such as goin' to my gf's parents, or church and various other reasons. I'm a vet and have gone to the VA "girled up" and the only bad looks I get is fromthe old timer's that are there. My therapists doesn't have a problem with it and encourages me. I myself, like you did, need more mirror time. I wish you the best in whatever you do.

Gina Renee said...

CiCi, if I was as beautiful as you, I would have transitioned 20 years ago, and never looked back!But, I need about a million dollar makeover...

I know epic fail, too. Never been married, no kids, never had a successful relationship. I knew I never could when I was very young. I tried playing Supermale, and all it did was nearly get me killed, and messed up my once-beautiful legs.

Maybe the measure of success is being able to ask oneself if one's own goals have been met, not goals artificially imposed by the rest of the world.


James Paris said...

youve made the right choice you look very beautiful.
i hope things start getting better for you very soon.
your on the right track

Stitch said...

Cici; again your story could be mine with a few twists, I was once very succesful in my career, marriage, children "BUT" to do that I had to supress Lindsay for several years and because of that supression I was always angary always feeling like something was wrong or out of place, after loosing my career, putting my marriage on the rocks, and the children grown and gone I felt as though I had nothing to loose.
with that in mind it was time to let Lindsay out in a big way (15 months ago) by telling "ALL" my family and friends, that's when I realy learned who cared about me and who didn't, my wife supported me by buying me things to help Lindsay, my children asked why it took so long and bought things to help Lindsay even my father excepts Lindsay, and any of my friends that didn't are no longer my friends (which does not hurt) cause I've replaced each one of them and then some with new friends that except me the way I am.
I have a new career and starting to make a come back with my finances while there is still a tough road to travel I have no fear of going out in public for I am who I am and for the first time in my life love me, you've created a beautiful loving, inteligent person and that in my book is the farthest from failure as you get.

Luv ya

Anonymous said...

Wow Cici... Never knew this side of you. This is so real to me... It could be me! The only difference is it took me longer to get here. Like you, I have even trusted info to friends at work but learned one lesson. Even friends will betray you for money... But there's something else. Like a wall or a guard that prevents us from passing. Is the barrier myself? Taking something from Stitch I want to believe all my problems can be solved by "owning" who I am. That I will just step through this wall and everything will work out. Maybe I haven't lost enough to make that choice. Thank you for this article. For the first time I know I'm not alone in this struggle. I went on Geocities many years ago because it was there that I discovered there were other people like me. In time I realized the only thing we had in common was cross dressing. What you are facing is also my struggle. This consumes me... I want so much to walk away from the career - in a dress. But at what cost? I have a closet bulging with dresses and I so enjoy that next dress that I cannot live without... Without a partner to share this with I am so alone. If I allow myself to publicly be that man who wears dresses. Will I find love, career, prosperity, joy? Or will I lose everything forever?

Anonymous said...

CICI, I read your latest blog when it first posted late last week. I was surprised to be reading what you were saying. Then I thought about it and it all made sense. Subconsciously you chose to make Cici your life's work and felt as many do that you could "have it all" - career, marriage, kids etc and that all of those things would be accomplished at the same level of success that Cici obtained. By and large that just doesn't happen despite what the Gloria Steinams of the world have been saying for the past 40 years. The flip side is that many of us older gurls reading your blog and leaving comments would kill to look like Cici and have all the fun and attention she has had. Like most I chose to put most of my efforts into my career. I never went past the lingerie, heels stage. My devotion to my career and the search for that missing something cost me 3 marriages. But ultimately I became quite successful. At 50 I sold the company I had built and for the first time had the freedom and the time to go with the money. Guess what I discovered after being a closet CD for 40 years? The "missing something" was Michelle, my alter ego. I finally gave her a name, and dressed fully and went out in public at age 53! WOW look what I had missed. Unlike you I will never know what Michelle could have done in her prime. Tall, lean, blonde, naturally smooth look what she could have been. My point is that we all make choices and can only hope as the years rush by that they are the right ones for YOU. Don't let other define your goals, your successes and especially not your failures. We are here to be happy not to amass and acquire "stuff" unless that is indeed what makes you happy. I know lots of happy poor people and some very unhappy rich people. If YOU are happy then the people around you will be happy. And that is success to me. I say this from the vantage point of a person who just shot by 70 and who can still wear a mini and who is out and about as Michelle most of the time. Be who you are. Its far more important than a career or the money. Unless there is a big sale at Suddenly Femme! Michelle

Tammee Love said...

Your writing is superb, and to a point few good writers can address with any authority. In each of your blogs, I see a bit of myself. If you accomplish that for me, and then mutiply it by each of us who reads your prose; well I would say you are successful indeed.

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Celeste said...

I know just how you feel myself I have been aware that I was not the right gender at a very early age. But I had to be the male part when I was young and play the female part when I could get away and know that I would not be found out. Still as time went by the pull of my female side got stronger and stronger to where I have now been out as Celeste a few times to see how I would feel. It was a liberating feeling to be Celeste even if it would be by myself and for short times out. I am close to being able to retire and I will be settling down away from most of my family. I really want to take the complete journey to full womanhood before I am too old to get there. I fear that when I have to let it be known of my true path I will lose most of the friends I have made along the way. But it will also show me who my true friends are when I start the journey from male to becoming a complete female.You are an inspiration to me so don't let your dreams fade away.Stay True Thanks for listening. Celeste

Gina Contreras said...

CiCi.....WOW!! There is another song that says "strumming me softly with his words". Your words could easily be mine! I too have struggled with this perception of "success". Supply Chain Manager in corporate America, Real Estate, Notary, Contractor, Automotive Service Writer, Banker, various Sales positions, Car and Motorcycle Racer, Small Business Owner.....the list goes on!
What I have discovered is that though it all one thing has been constant....Gina. Gina has seen it all and she is where I gained the greatest satisfaction, the greatest amount of fulfillment and I am just now beginning to meet some terrific people because of Gina, locally and around the world. Wonderful caring people who really don't care whether I "pass" or not, they are happy to be friends with ME! I am not "out and about" as Gina, just can't seem to get there yet....but I think I'm getting closer! Maybe one day. I will on occasion "slip up" and tell some close to me, that I am in touch with me fem side. If they pursue it, then I tell them I have a drawer full of sexy panties and a closet full of skirts, blouses and high heels that I just LOVE to wear!!
A failure? I think not! "Failure" is something others have set THEIR bar at and I am quickly reaching a point where I can say, no I am not a "failure". I am a person who has been very fortunate to have had many experiences in my life and I cherish each and every one of them.
I had the unfortunate need to attend a funeral service for a very good friend of mine who lost his wife unexpectedly. We hadn't talked in some time, but we stay in touch. He has worked for the same company where we met for the last 30 years, basically in the same field and has achieved a level of "success". As I was catching him up on what I have done over the last 20 years he remarked, "Ya know, I envy you. You have experienced so much more than I over the last 20 years, while I have been stuck at xxxx doing what I've always done. Different levels, but certainly not really experiencing what you have...I wish I would have done more of what you done.."
Failure? I think not!! XO


Jessica Lynn Ley said...

CiCi, I have written you before. We have a lot in common, I also have a fetish for wearing latex outfits when I go out. You once "said, you don't care whether you pass or not, I'm just going out to have some fun." Well, I have applied that kind of thinking also when I go out dressed as Jessica. So many times I hear you say something that just blows me away, with your cleverness. You are a very successful tgirl at writing down how you feel. This has helped me understand what's going on in my head too. Plus, you are a very sexy and beautiful tgirl, and I think the best one anywhere around. You are my idol, and I look up to you always for inspiration.
One more thing, if I may ask, who made your black latex catsuit for you.
I'm wearing latex on Halloween this year and I know I'm going to have a blast too, I will be thinking that you are right beside me all the way.

Diane in Texas said...

Reading your blog, and your book, has given me a comfortable place to return to sort out what I'm feeling. I have really just started cross dressing, and while it feels great I'm still not sure how I got here or where I am going. And if I use words or phrases that aren't quite right, it's because I am so new to this. But you describe feelings and challenges from your early days that I can really relate to, which is important because I don't know of anyone else just yet that I can talk to about this. Thanks for being there and I hope you continue to write for all tgirls, even those of us who may just be in an early tadpole stage (LOL)!