Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Anger, Jealousy and Fear


While we'd all love it if coming out of the closet resulted in an easy and smooth transition to a more loving and open relationship, this just doesn't always happen. Your partner has a lot of feelings to manage and even if she is willing to be open, loving and supportive, her feelings matter as well. Consider this a little window into the worries, concerns and thoughts she may have after you come out, as well as a few quick tips to hopefully help life in your house stay happy. I've talked about significant fears, feelings of betrayal and worries about infidelity. While those are big issues, day-to-day ones can cause as many challenges in your life and relationship.

Money issues are a problem for many couples. Adding crossdressing to the mix can contribute to the problem, especially if you are trying to build a wardrobe and indulge your feminine side. New clothes, wigs, manicures, laser treatments and electrolysis can become quite costly. If you're financially comfortable, this may be a non-issue (lucky you!), but if you're not, work together to set a personal spending budget for each of you. You may need to let pricey hobbies go to support your feminine alter-ego, while still supporting your marriage. Equal spending allowances can reduce the risk of resentment and anger between the two of you. If money's tight all around, you still need to divvy up the spending money as fairly as possible. She'll have a much easier time complimenting your new lingerie if she's had a shopping spree recently too.

When you're working to feel feminine, it's easy to forget that it's your job to reassure your wife or girlfriend that she's feminine and pretty. Maintain aspects of your relationship that matter most to the two of you as much as possible, regardless of how these fit into your changing gender identity. That might mean you bring flowers home for special occasions, lead when the two of you are dancing or handle the yard and cars, regardless of your manicure. Dealing with crossdressing or gender issues may make it more important than usual that you encourage her to express her femininity, in whatever way she chooses. She's much more likely to be supportive of your femininity if you're supportive of hers. While she may not be game for it, as you get more comfortable, consider integrating spa days, manicures or other traditionally female activities into your time together.

Being newly out of the closet is a very exciting time, but excitement and enthusiasm can lead to you to lose track of your priorities. If you're ending up in the doghouse, rather than in bed with your wife or girlfriend, it can be time for a serious sit-down. Make sure you're pulling your weight with home, work and family responsibilities. Crossdressing shouldn't change who does the dishes, folds the laundry or chauffeurs the children. While it may be a bit clich├ęd, unfair distribution of household responsibilities is sure to trigger relationship struggles. If you're taking time out of your schedule for support groups, shopping or just dressing up, you need to be certain she's getting time for her own interests. You also need to be making time for the two of you, whether that's sitting down to watch a favorite movie together, meeting for lunch, or working together on a project.

Not every issue in your relationship relates to whether or not you enjoy wearing panties. Neither of you should make parenting disputes, most money issues, or even many bedroom problems about crossdressing or gender issues. One or the other of you may be inclined to blame crossdressing, even when it's not the issue in the moment. Whether or not crossdressing is to blame, you've had longer to manage this issue than she has. Expect to bear a bit more of the weight and the blame for a while, even if it isn't exactly fair. She probably carried more than her fair share while you figured everything out, without knowing why. You can have difficulty balancing work, family and personal needs, be out-of-sync sexually, or just feel overwhelmed with life and responsibilities regardless of your femininity or lack thereof. Presumably, if you've made it through coming out and the challenges that go with it, you're committed to your relationship and can talk your way through these issues as well.

20 comments:

Sandra M. Lopes said...

Aw, that's such good advice — and frank, honest, and totally to the point. Thank you very much for pointing these things out. They should be immediately obvious to every crossdresser, but they're not. Sometimes, the elation of finally being able to "get out of the closet" is so great that one easily forgets one's duties towards a beloved partner, who has just acquired another source of worrying, besides whatever else.

Living in a household just barely above the poverty line established for my country, I know what it means to live on a tight budget. All your advice is indeed quite good... it took me a while to understand why most genetic women don't actually pamper themselves so frequently. Everything is so expensive!

Susan B. Munro said...

I have been cross dressing since I was 8 yrs old. While your advice is directly to the point and correct, sometimes there is a partner that is stuck on being right no matter what you do or say. When I got married, I told my partner from the start about my lacy things, and she is fine with it as long as the money comes to her.

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