Humans are, fundamentally, selfish creatures. Regardless of how loving she is, I promise you, she’s wondering what this all means for her, for your marriage and for her lifestyle. While the answer to all that will differ depending upon your relationship, she’s worried. Coming out often means that you’ve been locked in your own world and maybe a bit oblivious to everyone else for a while as there was a lot to muddle through in your own head. Her questions and concerns may be totally different than yours, but they’re no less valid.
Are You Gay?
Okay, I wasn’t guilty of this one myself, but rumor has it it’s a biggie for an awful lot of women when they realize that the presumably straight guy in the relationship is wearing panties. If you are gay (or even bisexual), well, this does pose some problems in a heterosexual relationship, whether you opt to split so the two of you can pursue other relationships, open your relationship or remain monogamous. In this case, a counselor can help the two of you come to a solution that works best for both of you. If you’re curious or unsure, deciding whether to tell or not can be harder. If she’s open-minded and has handled your coming out well, open up to her. If she is struggling, adding additional worry right now might not be for the best, especially if you intend to maintain your relationship. Either way, she does have a right to a safe and honest relationship, so keep it in your pants until you’ve had a bare-it-all discussion. Really, though, we all know that many crossdressers are heterosexual and happy in their relationships with women.
If you’re, in fact, happily straight, she’s going to need a good bit of reassurance for a while. Even if she doesn’t believe you’re gay, she’s likely feeling very, very insecure about your feelings about her and your relationship. The same old guy-in-trouble strategies can come into play here. Date nights, flowers, a weekend getaway are all good, but probably not good enough. I’m enough of a lady to be delicate about this, but make sure that things don’t change for the worse in the bedroom. If there’s a change in that regard, it better be for the better.
This one’s a lot bigger and a lot scarier for both of you. Some marriages and relationships do survive gender transitions and can remain happy and stable, but it’s going to be tough on both of you, require a hell of a lot of flexibility and an open mind. Whether you’re jumping into life as a girl 24/7 or you’ve made this change gradually, both of you need professional help through this transition. Even in the best of circumstances, she may not be interested in you as a woman or attracted to you, regardless of love and history. Transitioning often comes with a number of really difficult body image issues that will, almost inevitably, affect both of you, but those questions are for another post.
Secrets and Confessions
You might be prepared for her worries about the neighbors, but may be less ready to handle the reality that she plans to tell, even if only her closest friend. This is her secret as much as yours now, and she has a right, within reason, to discuss it with a trusted confidante. She needs the opportunity to process this new information with someone other than you. If she doesn’t want to talk to a close friend, you might encourage her to talk to a queer- and kink-friendly therapist or to find a support group (either in person or online) for partners. While she has a right to tell, she does not have a right to tell everyone. You should feel free to ban her from telling the local gossip, your minister, or her parents. Allowing her the space she needs to work through her feelings can help the two of you make it through this revelation together and come out of it stronger. In this case, you’re going to have to take a deep breath, pull up your big girl panties and deal with the fact that her best friend probably knows.
If you really want to understand her experience in all this, you need to ask her, probably more than once. Checking in regularly, especially if things have changed, can help the two of you negotiate this new phase in your relationship.