|Happy Holidays from Cici Kitten and the Staff |
at Suddenly Fem !
There could be lots of reasons for my thoughtlessness. Partying a little too much. Staying out too late. Not getting enough sleep. Dealing with some personal problems. Dealing with some financial problems.
All of which are true. All of which are contributing factors – no doubt about it. But the real reason I’ve been fucking up will probably surprise you.
It’s because I’m too happy. Way too happy. Nearly on the verge of insanity happy.
It’s something that I call “tgirl euphoria” and it can strike at any time. A fun night out. A fun night in. A new pair of boots arrive in the mail. A new pair of boobs arrive in the mail. You post some great pix. You receive some great comments. Or you just plain look in the mirror – and see yourself all dolled up – and you think, “OMFG! I’m actually doing it. I’m actually being my true self!”
It’s a high like no other. Personally, I think it comes from repressing and suppressing our feminine selves for so many years. So when we finally do indulge. When we finally let our “girl” out – she tends to go a little crazy.
Tgirl euphoria is particularly strong among new girls. And that makes sense. They’ve just let their girl out and they’re experiencing everything for the first time. Do you remember? Are you maybe feeling it now? From the first time dressing head-to-toe to the first time buying your own clothes (rather than stealing from your wife or girlfriend) to the first time buying a special outfit (like a glammy dress, a fetishy corset, or a pair of killer sky high heels). OMG, there are so many firsts. The first time going out (maybe even just for a short drive), the first time going out to a club, the first time going out with friends! Not to mention the sexy stuff! The first time kissing as a girl, the first time dating as a girl, the first time… well, you get the idea.
Total Tgirl Euphoria!
But it can strike more experienced girls too! It’s happened to me. All it takes is a good experience… or even the anticipation of a good experience. And wham bam thank you tran – I’m right back in it.
Not too long ago some of my co-workers thought I was actually high at work! They know about CiCi and they know that CiCi likes to party, so they were worried that perhaps my partying had overflowed into my work hours! Not a chance. I may get carried away at times, but I’m not that irresponsible. But there I was at work. Laughing a little too hard at some joke. Giggling a little to myself. No wonder they thought I was high!
Of course, I was high. But I wasn’t high on drugs. I was high on femininity. I was high on girlishness. I was high on lipstick and perfume and earrings and nails. I was high on heels!
And like all highs, TGE comes with its own side effects. Loss of focus. Short attention span. Easily distracted. Overly happy. Overly positive. Overly optimistic. A little self-centered. A little more self-centered. A lot more self-centered! Talking too much about ourselves. Blogging too much about ourselves (guilty as charged!). Obsessing too much about ourselves. The truth is, while in the throes of Tgirl Euphoria, the only reason our friends can even stand us is that they’re so caught up in their own Tgirl Euphoria they don’t even notice how crazy and self-centered we’ve become!
There are times when it suddenly seems like our vanilla lives don’t matter. Like our jobs don’t matter. Our bank accounts or credit card bills don’t matter. Cleaning the house doesn’t matter, mowing the lawn doesn’t matter. Sending out birthday cards or holiday greetings or getting to work on time doesn’t matter.
It really is like being a drug addict. I’ve never done anything like heroin, but I’ve heard stories of junkies who watch all the clean people around them going about their day, and the junkies wonder… “What are they doing? Don’t they know what they’re missing? Don’t they see how empty their lives are? Don’t they see that none of that boring, normal shit matters?”
But the boring shit does matter. The job. The bank account. The birthdays. The family. The friends.
And if you’re not careful… it can all slip through your hands.
We talk a lot about the bad stuff that can happen to tgirls out in the world. The insults. The indignities. The violence. But we probably don’t talk enough about the harm we can do to ourselves. And I’m not talking about the big things like addiction and suicide that are all too common in our world. I’m talking about the little things we can do every day – sometimes unconsciously; sometimes under the spell of TGE – to hurt our friends, to hurt ourselves, to fuck up our lives. Through selfishness. Through thoughtlessness. Through a big mix up in priorities.
Fortunately, euphoria is only a temporary state. We all have to come down (and calm down) at some point to pay the bills and take out the garbage. The danger comes when the “come down” becomes a “crash.” And the crash can be as low as the euphoria is high.
We get carried away when we’re high. We think that now that we’ve accepted our feminine side, everything else in our lives is finally going to fall into place. (And you know what? In some rare cases, that can actually happen.) But for most of us, indulging our feminine side will only be a fun hobby. A pleasurable pastime. An amazing escape.
And it’s a great escape! But unfortunately, it’s not a cure for all that ails us. It won’t make our jobs less boring, our bosses less bossy, our bank accounts much bigger (unless of course you really work it, girlfriend!), or our wives and girlfriends more loving and agreeable.
Nope. For most of us, we’ll still be stuck in our same hum-drum lives with our same hum-drum problems. And that realization can be devastating. Depression sets in. Dark clouds hover. And we start to doubt why we ever let our sexy, flirty little genies out of their bottles in the first place. I mean, where did it get us?
The title of this blog was inspired by an old Billy Joel song, called “Summer, Highland Falls.” Perhaps you know it:
“How thoughtlessly we dissipate our energies
Perhaps we don't fulfill each other's fantasies
And as we stand upon the ledges of our lives
With our respective similarities
It's either sadness or euphoria”
There’s no real cure for the sadness. Just as there’s no real cure for the euphoria. The best we can do in either case is to ride it out and try to keep a level head. My advice? Aim for somewhere in the middle. A place on solid ground. A place in balance. Where male and female, family guy and glamour girl can live peacefully in the same, sane body.
Oh, and if you can figure out how to do that, let me know. I’ll help you bottle it and we’ll both make millions.
So why on earth is this a holiday blog? All this talk of drugs and highs and depression? Well I guess it’s not. It’s more of a New Year’s resolution blog. Because in the coming year, I’m going to try not to let myself get so high (or so low). I’m going to try to keep a little more balance in my life. Try to stay a little more focused. Try to enjoy myself without getting too high. Try to weather the lows with a little more grace.
And through it all, I hope to never forget to hold dear all those things that are really important to me. My family. My friends. My writing. And, of course, this wonderful sisterhood, where we – through all the giddy highs and somber lows – are bound together by some pretty amazing and wonderful “respective similarities.”
Merry Christmas, everyone! Happy Holidays. And a very happy New Year!
Take care out there!
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy!