Thursday, December 22, 2011

Sadness And Euphoria – A Special Holiday Message. A Blog by Cici Kitten for Suddenly Fem

Happy Holidays from Cici Kitten and the Staff
at Suddenly Fem !
I’ve been fucking up a lot lately. Okay that’s probably not the best way to start off a holiday greeting. But it’s the truth. I have really been fucking up lately! I’ve been late to meetings at work. I’ve been going out way too much as CiCi. I’ve been spending way too much money (never a good thing right before the holidays). I’ve been neglecting my friends and family. I’ve even been missing my blog deadlines here at Suddenly Fem! (Okay, that last one’s not so out of the ordinary… much to the ongoing frustration of my webmaster.) But the point is, this hasn’t been a real productive Fall.

There could be lots of reasons for my thoughtlessness. Partying a little too much. Staying out too late. Not getting enough sleep. Dealing with some personal problems. Dealing with some financial problems.
All of which are true. All of which are contributing factors – no doubt about it. But the real reason I’ve been fucking up will probably surprise you.

It’s because I’m too happy. Way too happy. Nearly on the verge of insanity happy.

It’s something that I call “tgirl euphoria” and it can strike at any time. A fun night out. A fun night in. A new pair of boots arrive in the mail. A new pair of boobs arrive in the mail. You post some great pix. You receive some great comments. Or you just plain look in the mirror – and see yourself all dolled up – and you think, “OMFG! I’m actually doing it. I’m actually being my true self!”

It’s a high like no other. Personally, I think it comes from repressing and suppressing our feminine selves for so many years. So when we finally do indulge. When we finally let our “girl” out – she tends to go a little crazy.

Tgirl euphoria is particularly strong among new girls. And that makes sense. They’ve just let their girl out and they’re experiencing everything for the first time. Do you remember? Are you maybe feeling it now? From the first time dressing head-to-toe to the first time buying your own clothes (rather than stealing from your wife or girlfriend) to the first time buying a special outfit (like a glammy dress, a fetishy corset, or a pair of killer sky high heels). OMG, there are so many firsts. The first time going out (maybe even just for a short drive), the first time going out to a club, the first time going out with friends! Not to mention the sexy stuff! The first time kissing as a girl, the first time dating as a girl, the first time… well, you get the idea.

Total Tgirl Euphoria!

But it can strike more experienced girls too! It’s happened to me. All it takes is a good experience… or even the anticipation of a good experience. And wham bam thank you tran – I’m right back in it.

Not too long ago some of my co-workers thought I was actually high at work! They know about CiCi and they know that CiCi likes to party, so they were worried that perhaps my partying had overflowed into my work hours! Not a chance. I may get carried away at times, but I’m not that irresponsible. But there I was at work. Laughing a little too hard at some joke. Giggling a little to myself. No wonder they thought I was high!

Of course, I was high. But I wasn’t high on drugs. I was high on femininity. I was high on girlishness. I was high on lipstick and perfume and earrings and nails. I was high on heels!

And like all highs, TGE comes with its own side effects. Loss of focus. Short attention span. Easily distracted. Overly happy. Overly positive. Overly optimistic. A little self-centered. A little more self-centered. A lot more self-centered! Talking too much about ourselves. Blogging too much about ourselves (guilty as charged!). Obsessing too much about ourselves. The truth is, while in the throes of Tgirl Euphoria, the only reason our friends can even stand us is that they’re so caught up in their own Tgirl Euphoria they don’t even notice how crazy and self-centered we’ve become!

There are times when it suddenly seems like our vanilla lives don’t matter. Like our jobs don’t matter. Our bank accounts or credit card bills don’t matter. Cleaning the house doesn’t matter, mowing the lawn doesn’t matter. Sending out birthday cards or holiday greetings or getting to work on time doesn’t matter.

It really is like being a drug addict. I’ve never done anything like heroin, but I’ve heard stories of junkies who watch all the clean people around them going about their day, and the junkies wonder… “What are they doing? Don’t they know what they’re missing? Don’t they see how empty their lives are? Don’t they see that none of that boring, normal shit matters?”

But the boring shit does matter. The job. The bank account. The birthdays. The family. The friends.

And if you’re not careful… it can all slip through your hands.

We talk a lot about the bad stuff that can happen to tgirls out in the world. The insults. The indignities. The violence. But we probably don’t talk enough about the harm we can do to ourselves. And I’m not talking about the big things like addiction and suicide that are all too common in our world. I’m talking about the little things we can do every day – sometimes unconsciously; sometimes under the spell of TGE – to hurt our friends, to hurt ourselves, to fuck up our lives. Through selfishness. Through thoughtlessness. Through a big mix up in priorities.

Fortunately, euphoria is only a temporary state. We all have to come down (and calm down) at some point to pay the bills and take out the garbage. The danger comes when the “come down” becomes a “crash.” And the crash can be as low as the euphoria is high.

We get carried away when we’re high. We think that now that we’ve accepted our feminine side, everything else in our lives is finally going to fall into place. (And you know what? In some rare cases, that can actually happen.) But for most of us, indulging our feminine side will only be a fun hobby. A pleasurable pastime. An amazing escape.

And it’s a great escape! But unfortunately, it’s not a cure for all that ails us. It won’t make our jobs less boring, our bosses less bossy, our bank accounts much bigger (unless of course you really work it, girlfriend!), or our wives and girlfriends more loving and agreeable.

Nope. For most of us, we’ll still be stuck in our same hum-drum lives with our same hum-drum problems. And that realization can be devastating. Depression sets in. Dark clouds hover. And we start to doubt why we ever let our sexy, flirty little genies out of their bottles in the first place. I mean, where did it get us?

Where indeed?

The title of this blog was inspired by an old Billy Joel song, called “Summer, Highland Falls.” Perhaps you know it:

“How thoughtlessly we dissipate our energies
Perhaps we don't fulfill each other's fantasies
And as we stand upon the ledges of our lives
With our respective similarities
It's either sadness or euphoria”

There’s no real cure for the sadness. Just as there’s no real cure for the euphoria. The best we can do in either case is to ride it out and try to keep a level head. My advice? Aim for somewhere in the middle. A place on solid ground. A place in balance. Where male and female, family guy and glamour girl can live peacefully in the same, sane body.

Oh, and if you can figure out how to do that, let me know. I’ll help you bottle it and we’ll both make millions.

So why on earth is this a holiday blog? All this talk of drugs and highs and depression? Well I guess it’s not. It’s more of a New Year’s resolution blog. Because in the coming year, I’m going to try not to let myself get so high (or so low). I’m going to try to keep a little more balance in my life. Try to stay a little more focused. Try to enjoy myself without getting too high. Try to weather the lows with a little more grace.

And through it all, I hope to never forget to hold dear all those things that are really important to me. My family. My friends. My writing. And, of course, this wonderful sisterhood, where we – through all the giddy highs and somber lows – are bound together by some pretty amazing and wonderful “respective similarities.”

Merry Christmas, everyone! Happy Holidays. And a very happy New Year!

Take care out there!
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy!




Josie T-girl said...

Suddenly Fem ... I luv it! Wish I had lots of money to spend cause you so have some beautiful clothes there. Be safe and have a merry Christmas.

Anonymous said...

Last saturday I started going to the VIP in Riverside CA and I liked it almost as much as I did the Lark in San Bernardino ( which has been closed for a while) I took a girlfriend from LA their and we both enjoyed it. They have a great comedy drag show on saturday night. So any of you gals in the inland empire want to show off those pretty outfits. GO FOR IT! And CC I hope to see you there! Barbera

Unknown said...

Great post Cici.....Sounds familiar if you ask me :-)

Anonymous said...

Cici great blog, I am new at this and have never really gone out totally, well sort of, I have driven around the area more then I can count, but for the first got of the car a walked around a mall and loved it!

Your talk of balancing everything is spot on, family, friends, work, and faminity.

Be safe and have a Merry Christmas!


Susanna Sweet said...

I really hate to say this, but I think I'm affected by this T-girl euphoria thingy,... I have been guilty of all that you list, and was starting to see myself falling into reality. The new year will bring more challenges to me and my family, and allot of financial tests as well. Thank you Cici for posting this. Talk about great timing, I was wondering what was going on with me. I love the "sisterhood" we girls have. I can always count on one of you to snap me into the "now".

Marie Octavia d'Eze said...


What you have written resonates strongly for me and my experience in expressing my feminine side, which has been a big part of my life since I was a confused twelve year old kid who was doing something I knew the other boys weren't.

For the past twelve months or so - except for a few short interruptions (the longest was about 10 days), I have been the happiest I have ever been. My masculine side finally gave Marie all the room she wanted to totally express herself. Or, perhaps it was my Marie demanding the full expression she had been craving and my male side finally relented. I am aware that I am talking of my dual identities in the third person – that was just the way I viewed it, but that is no longer the case.

I experienced my feminine persona as someone distinctly different from my male identity. As a woman I didn't have many responsibilities beyond not crashing my car while touching up my makeup. Yes, there was definitely a bit of "I don't give a fuck - Imma have fun" attitude in my behavior. But I think that was a necessary part of my process. Fortunately my euphoria did not result in me harming others, and for the most part, myself either.

Interestingly and fortunately, over the past several months, my female and male identities have merged into one personality. I still have to work in male mode - that's something I am OK with (I know a lot of people aren't), but at least I don't have to wear a suit (yikes!). Now I spend so much time as Marie that working as a man doesn't bother me.

This integration of my male and female sides has been truly wonderful. Where I was once irresponsible and a bit ditzy when in female mode, now the strengths and skills I developed over many years being a male in the world have united with the excitement and joy that comes from expressing my femininity. I am so grateful that this has happened. My masculinity has softened as the defenses fell away and I became more emotionally open.

I guess I am still a bit high off it all, but I feel like my feet (and 4" heels) are pretty much on the ground. What I do with this as I carry on with my life is a new adventure with as yet unseen possibilities.

CiCi, thank you for what you write. I always enjoy your intelligence and sensitivity. I am very happy that our paths crossed.

xoxo Marie

amber dubois said...

OMG Cici- Great Blog & spot on. Keep partying- screw the bills!

Samantha said...

Cici I so agree I have had so many highs and lows in the last year since I started being a girl every where. But I would not go back because the highs beat the lows.

Anonymous said...

Cici, i'm not going to say how sexy and gorgeous you here that enough. i've talked to you on the phone several times and by just talking to you, i fell in love with you! i love your blogs. what i want to say is that you are...just perfect!!! i think of you every day!! Cici, have a merry christmas!! if you have nowhere to go,or need somewhere to stay, call me!!! steve

wineangel58 said...
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wineangel58 said...


Seleena said...

I think I might have found that balance you refer to, CiCi. And for me, it came with age. Yeah, the bills are paid, the wardrobe is healthy, the vanilla friends are still around and I only "party crazy" occasionally. But it can have it's pitfalls too.

Soooo .. be careful what you wish for! teehee!

Happy Holidays, Doll!

Ask Erena said...

Hello darling! Fabulous blog you have. Following you now. Would be great if you follow me too. I have 2 blogs, check what is new in my boutique shop:-)
hugs from New York
Ask Erena

Christina said...

I am jealous of you CiCi. Not because you are beautiful but because you can be free. I have four adult kids who want me to be happy but know nothing about this side (front!) of me. And I just can't risk alienating them. I love them too much. Isn't that ironic . . . it's my maternal protectiveness that keeps me in my boy pants! But in my dreams, I'm with y'all. Of course . . . . I also look like Angelina in those dreams! Love, Crissy

Anonymous said...

A wonderfully introspective look into the workings of our psyche and the challenges we all face. While we are all unique, we need to have a plan, a commitment to accomplish the plan and managed how we invest our time. When TGE strikes this can be a real challenge, however, we tend to accomplish what we focus on, so see yourself as a happy and successful gurl. Thank you CiCi for sharing an enjoyable read. Val

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