Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Coming out... By our new Writer, Cupcake. Stories about the transgendered life for Suddenly Fem

Our New Writer ! Intro and Bio: We would like to introduce you to Cupcake.  She is a GG (genetic girl) who has had extensive experience  in friendship as well as relationships with M2F transgendered.  She knows many people the  transgendered and alternative lifestyle world and has even participated in groups involving counseling for transgendered and their partners.  We hope you will be as excited and appreciative about her sharing  her past and present experiences, and some guidance  about relationships and how to navigate the sometimes complicated task of living  full or part time as transgendered.

Carrying around a secret puts a strain on you, your relationship and your partner. Whether you're interested in bringing gender play into your bedroom or taking it out-and-about in public­, talking about it is essential. If you're questioning your own gender identity and struggling with gender issues, support, affirmation and openness can help both of you to manage this challenging time. Talking may not come easy, but not telling is certain to be harder for both of you. Keep in mind that your happiness matters to your partner and if this is what you need to be happy, bless your heart, you do need to share.

There are some obvious times not to bring this up for discussion. The dinner table at Thanksgiving when your in-laws are over (unless you'd really prefer them not to come back next year), your anniversary or while you're out to dinner at your favorite restaurant come to mind quickly. There are a few less obvious absolute don'ts. Don't bring this up in bed. Naked equals vulnerable and this is definitely a pants-on conversation. Choose a private time and a neutral place for these initial discussions. A quiet dinner at home, a relaxing Sunday afternoon or over a cup of coffee on the back porch are better choices for a conversation that may be accompanied by anger, tears or stress.

Before you spill the news, think about what you need to share. While you may not know all the answers, expect to be asked what this means for your relationship, your sexual orientation and your lives together. Keep in mind that you've likely been mulling this over for a while. Your partner hasn't. Sure, she's had suspicions, but they may be way off base from your reality. If she spotted lingerie receipts or evidence of lipstick, adultery likely came to mind instead of crossdressing. Hey, she might be pleased with the alternative. Regardless of what she thought was going on, this is new information and may take some time to absorb and accept it before she can embrace helping you learn to walk in heels or shopping for falsies.

This isn't the time to hold back and you have to be prepared to 'fess up to anything and everything. If you've cheated, you're going to have to come clean for both your sakes. Your partner has a right to honest information about anything that might cause health concerns. While many partners can accept gender play, crossdressing or even an eventual gender transition, handling dishonesty and adultery is much harder. If you're looking at coming back after infidelity, marriage counseling may be a help. Shop around for a kink-friendly therapist to avoid any backlash related to crossdressing or transgender issues. This probably isn't the time to visit your minister for marital counseling.

If you've confided an interest that is largely confined to the bedroom or fetish parties, you may find your partner takes this in stride, particularly if she's usually, as Dan Savage says, “good, giving and game” or the two of you have experimented with kink before. Together, you can integrate dressing up into your time together in a playful and intimate way. For some couples, crossdressing adds shopping trips and make-up lessons to the relationship, but doesn't fundamentally change it.

A desire to dress and present in a feminine way in public or to transition and live as female full-time may be a bit harder for your partner to swallow. While she might handle things well if they're kept private, accepting a public transition can be much more challenging. Plan and talk through your first public outings together, perhaps planning them for out-of-town trips to allow you both to be more comfortable. If you're considering transitioning, a qualified and queer-friendly therapist is essential. Your partner may also want to look into support groups for partners of transfolk or a trans support group that integrates partners.

Realize that this conversation may not be over, even if you're feeling done. The two of you may need to negotiate dressing up, boundaries and the parameters that make your relationship work. While you need support through these changes, so too does your partner. If you can offer reassurance and continue to build upon the stable and loving foundation of your relationship, the two of you will weather this bump in your relationship as if it wasn't more than a slight smear in your lipstick.


Sandra M. Lopes said...

Thanks for the guidelines so clearly presented on your article! I have revealed myself as a crossdresser to my wife some seven years ago, and the result was incredibly positive — while she's not exactly enthusiastic and drooling with excitement over it, she definitely allows me to fully dress at home. There are a few minor complaints about the wardrobe space taken by the "third person" now inhabiting our tiny home, but besides that, she's been very understanding. It helps that we always had a very deep and sincere relationship — we're each other's best friends and first confidents in case something worries either of us, so there is an absolute trust in each other, which naturally made things much easier for both of us.

However, your article pointed out to something I wasn't aware of. In the early days of my "revelation", I had hinted that I would certainly love to go out dressed as a woman (I have some CD acquaintances of mine now waiting for over 15 years for me to meet them en femme!). At that time, she frowned a little and said that I needed more training and be much more at ease in my role as a woman for her to consider my going out.

So I patiently trained all those years, and naturally expected that at some point I'd have the "green light" to go out. This has just happened once, a bit over a year ago — and she immediately realised she made a mistake: she is a very anxious person, and was trembling in fear that I either got "caught" by a neighbour or friend, or, worse, had an accident, was stopped by the police, or any such similar horror story. At that time I agreed — very happily so! — that she should come out with me; after all, I do appreciate her a lot, and what could be best than going out with the person I love, wearing the kind of clothes I love as well?

But it soon became apparent that after her initial "yes" (I think it came as a surprise, she was not truly prepared to deal with the anxiety and stress, or she would never have agreed so quickly) she's now quite adamant in her refusal for me to go out again, either with her or alone by myself.

What I didn't realise is that there are two different stages here. The first stage — revelation — seems to be relatively easy — so long as crossdressing is done in private. The next stage, going out, is far more difficult, as you say. And the third stage — some preparatory transitioning, which I'm not yet sure if I wish to go through or not — might be next-to-impossible to most. I wonder if you could, on a future article, elaborate further on what to do and what to say to make sure that "going out" is an important part of the whole process and is also something that a crossdresser (not all, surely, but most) need to do at some point. So far, I've been stumped in my feeble attempts to try to make my wife understand why I have the need to go out as well, and why I'm not content with merely doing "indoor crossdressing".

Thanks in advance!

Anonymous said...

My ex wife and now my current GF are accepting of my cross dressing. But now, I am taking it one step further and have been taking the estro boost for a little over a week, the results are impressive, I knew that I would be receptive because I was feminine thinking and acting before I started, now my body is thanking me for that extra encouragement to produce estrogen :)

Soon, I will be confident enough to go out in public dressed, and my breasts and feminine shape will help!....Denise

Anonymous said...

First I really question a GG "guiding us" especially when "Cupcakes (dumb name) picture looks an awful lot like Randi Rhodes your TG model. Second and more importantly the blog is so elemental in its simplicity that it comes across as being written by someone who just "boned up" on the subject. Its pretty basic and somewhat infantile! Michelle

SuddenlyFem said...

Hi Sweetie,

We are expanding our blog to include other points of view. We are not including any people that are "researching" and writing articles, but are including those who are experienced in being close to transgendered. We vetted our new writer and her experience will be a great plus to this discussion board. Our new Writer likes Cupcake as her handle.

We do not add articles longer then 2 pages, otherwise, many would get bored.

We think that a GG (girl) perspective when it comes to relationships is a great addition to the diversity of our blog since a large majority of our readers seem to be involved with women.

cici said...

Thanks for your comment. We like to think that this blog space can serve as a home base for a variety of voices and opinions. We don't expect every reader to respond to every writer, but we hope that all of our readers will give each writer a chance -- just as we hope they treat each comment writer with respect. We're all in this together. And we welcome your responses and reactions.

I'd like to welcome Cupcake to the SuddenlyFem family, and I look forward to more columns from her. I also hope that you'll continue to read and comment as well, Michelle!

Cupcake said...

Sandra, I'll certainly tackle that! Excellent idea and one with a lot of nuances, depending upon the situation.

Michelle, Yes, I agree, Cupcake is ridiculous; however, it came after a tattoo of the same and stuck. In a pinch, I figured it would do as a handle in this instance. Obviously, the photo isn't me. I'm not claiming it is.

I agree this is basic information; however, if you're just coming out to a long-term partner, you need to start with the basics. Obviously, if coming out isn't an issue for you or this is old news and you've been through the coming out speech before, it's not necessary.

Anonymous said...

My significant other highly suspects I am a crossdresser but I would not want to go out with her. We have gone to some special events with me dressed but she always thinks she knows best when it comes to makeup and it irritates me when she gets critical. I like going out with my CD friends and I do not want to mix the identities.

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http;// said...

hi love i and transgender and i and proud to said that i and a tg girl . . i was married to a beautiful women for 52 years and she new that i was gay and i was fem///// so one day we when out to shope . we when to the women dress dress shop and she had then fit me to girl cloth . she said to me if you are going to action like a girl . you got to dress like a girl . fron that day on i never woure men cloth agaun . all my cloth are women and i and proud to be a true tg girl and love love Rickie White and proud to be gay

Rickie White said...

Rikie white is a open gay crossdress and she love it . i love to dress as a women . i get so hot when i get dress as a girl . i had my tit done so that i look like a girl . i all way i go out as a girl and i love it want to be a girl

Rickie White said...

Rickie White , love black cock , i love to suck black men , i to go out and get pick up by black men and they do what ever they want to me i love to slid a big black cock in my hot white mouth and suck then off and swallow all that hot juice black man cum your hot white whore , Rickie gay and love it

Rickie White said...

hi love . this is Rickie , i love to dress as a women . new that i was a girl all my life . when i got married , my wife new i was gay . and she new i i like to dress as a girl . so on my 19 birthday she dress me up as a girl and took me out to the straight club , and she told me it ok if i hit on a man and go to bed with . as long as she could pick up a black man , so i said ok and that night was the best day of my life , mow i can date my men that i want and she can have her to , so i and one proud gay cd and i do love it ther is no better high then to were women cloth out your cd Rickie White

Anonymous said...

hi my name is Rickie and I AND A TRANSGENDER, as i writ this i have a beautiful dress on . i and 100 %%%%% cd tg girl and my wife is my best friend , we go out toghter and i love it we go to the bar and dinner , she told me if i going to dress as a girl i got to go out as a girl so that what and now i don,t were men cloth at all now and i love it i and 100 %%%%%% cd now love Rickie

Anonymous said...

First of all I never thought I'd hear such closed minded and prejudice remarks from another TG, Especially towards a GG, either straight or lesbian, who have been, for the most part, some of our biggest supporters. I am a heterosexual cross dresser, Who has gone through 3 non-accepting wives, searching for one that would be. I will be 61 years old on May 7th and have not given up hope, I am still searching. I accept friendship and advice from TG's and GG's alike, and from wherever else I can get it. The perspective of a GG is nice to have also. Not all minds think alike, get all the info you can, from everywhere you can, and sort it out in your mind what might work best for you. Love, Hugs and Kisses, Katherine Dee (FB).
PS. I couldn't figure out how to add my name(duh) so I used anonymous. ;^)

Anonymous said...

I wanted to post this as a reply and a comment to insure that everybody got it.
First of all I never thought I'd hear such closed minded and prejudice remarks from another TG, Especially towards a GG, either straight or lesbian, who have been, for the most part, some of our biggest supporters. I am a heterosexual cross dresser, Who has gone through 3 non-accepting wives, searching for one that would be. I will be 61 years old on May 7th and have not given up hope, I am still searching. I accept friendship and advice from TG's and GG's alike, and from wherever else I can get it. The perspective of a GG is nice to have also. Not all minds think alike, get all the info you can, from everywhere you can, and sort it out in your mind what might work best for you. Love, Hugs and Kisses, Katherine Dee (FB). PS. I couldn't figure out how to add my name(duh) so I used anonymous. ;^)

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