Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Beginning of the End - By Cici Kitten. Blog for Suddenly Fem -

I’ve been meeting a lot of new girls lately.  Here online. Out at clubs.  Maybe because of this blog. Or maybe because of the fact that I spend way too much time online, and post photos of myself on every available website known to man -- but I tend to hear from new girls a lot.  Some are just starting to dress.  Some are considering going out for the first time.  Some have been out once or twice.  But they all have questions.  Lots of them!  Just like I used to have.  So I try to help – just as the more experienced girls helped me when I was starting out.  It meant the world to me then.  I mean, it literally changed my life. 

I still contend that I’m not an expert.  (My friends tease me because I still apply my makeup with my fingers!  Some day I’ll learn how to use those amazing new devices they call -- brushes!)  So I still have a lot to learn myself.  But after five years of being out and about in LA’s active scene, I hope I’ve learned a few things.

So I do my best to help them.  But I wonder if they know how much they help me.  I get such a charge out of the new girls – particularly the girls I meet out in clubs.  You can practically feel the electricity in the air around them.  The excitement.  The nervousness.  The combustible combination of both excitement and nerves! If I spend a few minutes with a new girl, it all comes back to me.  The memories of how scared I was.  How nervous I was.  But also… how determined I was.  Because let’s face it, no typical male in typical American society straps on a pair of high heeled pumps, slithers into a skintight mini, and heads off into the night without a certain amount of courage… and a whole lot of determination!

I especially remember the relief I felt once I was at one of LA’s tgirl clubs.  I’m always a little tense out in the world.  But inside one of those clubs… you feel the sisterhood… you feel the music… you feel the drinks(!), and you start to relax.  These clubs were the only places where I could be out in public and feel accepted.  The only places where I could truly be myself.  And that’s when that TGE sets in… T-Girl Euphoria!  That amazing high you get from being dressed up, glammed up, worked up – and just plain fed up with trying to be normal.  It’s that moment when you feel the “girl” in you come to the surface.  When she takes over your body and soul.  When you finally feel free.

For all of us former closet cases, it’s a feeling like no other.  And it’s particularly strong in newbies – the girls who are experiencing it for the first time.  It’s intoxicating.  And it always makes me smile.  (Unless of course the newbie is a skinny little, pretty little, cute-as-hell 20-something, in which case I usually respond in an embarrassing fit of jealous rage and green-eyed envy.)

Just teasing. 

But all those exciting beginnings ironically bring me to my next point:  Endings.  I have a lot of friends in their 40’s and 50’s – and the topic comes up from time-to-time.  When am I going to “retire”?  When am I going to call it quits?  When am I going to hang up the heels for good?

For me, … even though I’m now looking at my 40’s in the rear view mirror,.. I still feel like I’m just getting started.  So I’m not thinking about “retirement” at all.  But I have to tell you, some of my friends feel differently.

Now, to be quite honest, my friends and I are not on the TS path.  We aren’t looking to transition.  We have no intention of living 24/7 – and we never did.  For the most part, most of my friends are what I would call “party girls.”  We go to the clubs, the fetish events, the tgirl parties – but, for the most part, we don’t get involved in heavy relationships or political lobbying or any of the more serious aspects of tg life.  This is more of a hobby for us.  We like to dress up, go out on Saturday nights, dance our asses off, and hope that we can somehow drag our sorry butts back into work on Monday morning.

We’re also – if we’re completely honest – a little bit superficial.  And I mean that in the best way possible -- if there is a “best way” to be superficial.  But what I mean is that we try very hard to look good.  To maybe turn a few heads when we enter a room.
Certainly not the most noble motivation in the world.  But that’s who we are – fun, sexy, superficial girls.  And, for what it’s worth, damn proud of it.

(To be honest, I’m selling myself and my friends way short by calling us superficial.  The truth is, most of these girls, as men, have professional careers, active lives, and are wonderful husbands and fathers.  Most of them are extremely thoughtful about everything they do – including their dressing. All I’m saying is that in our approach to our T-life, we’re really just hobbyists.  We’re in it for the fun and the thrill of dressing up and feeling girlie for a few hours.)

So like I was saying… we like to turn a few heads. But the question is… what happens when the heads stop turning?  When we no longer get all of those sweet compliments on our profile pix?  What happens when the focus really does go to the hot little 20-somethings I mentioned above? 

And it’s not like this problem is specific to tgirls.  GG’s have been going through this same, depressing aging process for years.  In a way, I guess this is the downside of the life we’ve always craved… the girlie life.  And as any real “girlie” knows – it’s hell to get old!

So what will we do?  Give it all up?  Cling desperately to our youth?  Or gracefully allow ourselves to mature and pour our energies into some of the other aspects of tg life?  (I imagine that there are other aspects of tg life – apart from trying to look hot.  It’s just that, as a superficial girl, I have no idea what those aspects might be.)

But perhaps I should look into a few of them.

I guess what my friends will do is what they’ve always done… they’ll be themselves.  And that will lead them down whatever path makes the most sense for them.  We all got into this for different reasons… and with different motivations… so I guess, in a way, it’s only fitting that we exit the same way.

As for me, after a lifetime of gender-related frustration followed by five or six years of pretty intense CiCi-ness, I don’t think I could ever just walk away.  Even in sensible shoes. 

I just think that eventually my life will have to change.  And at that point, I can either leave the scene or find a new role.  Helping new girls. Getting involved in event planning or may be even doing some of the (horror of horrors) tgirl political stuff I’ve always avoided.  I mean, after all that this life has given to me, I really would like to give back at some point. 

So what do you think the cut off date is?  When is it time for girls of a certain age to stop going to clubs, stop trying to shout above the music, and, literally, evacuate the dance floor? 

I guess like everything else in this crazy, complicated, make-it-up-as-you-go-along world, it’s an individual decision.  It’s a feeling that just comes over you.  Like any other Saturday night.  You look around, you finish your drink, you glance at the clock, and you just know… it’s time to leave the party.

Take care out there!

Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy.


necy said...

Hello Cici Kitten, this is coming from a real female and I was very impressed with your pic and blog here..I subscribed the catalog for my husband,he loves to dress up but not out in public just yet. If I didn't know when I saw your pic,I wouldn't have known you were a male,you are gorgeous!! I hope we can still converse so I can get my husband to understand of going out in those outfits tho sad to say he can't wear the shoes for he has a small foot>>>7.5 or 8 depending on how its made and styled*sighs*. all I can say,keep up the good work*smiles big*.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Cici, for making this newbie's first night out one that I will always remmeber. You are like the sunshine in the club that makes eveybody happy. So thanks for the kind words on my first night out!


CiCi said...

Thanks, necy. Your husband is so lucky to have a supportive wife. it makes a world of difference. but... he still has to "attack" this on his own personal timetable. he'll know when he's ready, and he should never do anything he's not comfortable doing. but with your help and support, i'm sure he'll be out and about (and having a ball) very soon!

CiCi said...

i'm so glad you had fun. we're so lucky to be in SoCal where we have lots of options to go out. and you're just getting started! lots of fun ahead!

Anonymous said...

After a lifetime of crossdressing the idea of retiring is like the idea of "retiring" your identity. If you get to the point of being comfortable with yourself--it that means dressing at home or going out--the "you" that dresses and enjoys fixing your computer, you are who you are. I think "retirement" is not quite the word for "aging gracefully" as it would apply to "us."

Michelleceedee said...

CiCi, Take it from a 69 year old Very active CD: Life as a "gurl" changes, it doesn't end! Having lived and played in Los Angeles for 20+ years before moving north I can tell you that your vues are skewed by the incredably plastic society that the L.A. scene has become. In the real world most of us "gurls" don't have any clubs to begin with so we hit the malls, the movies, restarants and party with friends. Its really not what you do when your "out," thats important, whats important is simply that you are out en femme in the real world. Its just as thrilling, just as naughty and just as much fun.Yes, the "HEY, Look at me faze" of your life ends just as it does for straights, gays, men and women. But for the true CD you are always ready to put on that mini, those heels and some paint and get out and about. Stay in shape, stay en femme and you will still have a blast. You'll just be home earlier and without the hangover! Kisses, Michelle

CiCi said...

Anonymous and Michelle,

Thanks so much for your emails. i think for me, personally, i'm going to try to grow and evolve in this life, and therefore, i don't think i'll ever retire. as Anonymous said, you can't really retire an identity.

Michelle, i'm not sure i'd go so far as to call the LA scene, "plastic," but i certainly know what you mean. it can be very "showy." but there are parts of that "showiness" that i like. but here's a good example. i was out in Phoenix recently. i went to a variety of clubs: drag shows, corner bars, urban discos... and no one tried to take our photos once. in So Cal, pix are taken at all the tgirl clubs and posted on their websites every night! but i know that's not true around the country. (great fun for the camera whores among us, but not so fun for every girl -- especially those who may wish to be discreet.)

and lastly, Michelle... so cool to hear that you're active at 69... i hope that my friends and i can say the same some day!!

thanks so much for the letters!


Anonymous said...

Dear Necy, I do not know what city or state you reside in but if you're here in california I can suggest a place for your husbands first outing, it was my first and repeated the visit about 50 times since my first out on March 8th 2011. It's called "Hamburger Mary's" in Long Beach California. They have Tgirl Tuesday every week, with karaoke and dancing, and Tgirl saturday the first saturday of every month. The Vagabond Inn is directly across the street and give online discounts. I found Mary's through, there are many other clubs listed their also. As for smaller size shoes, the Westminster Mall caters to an Asian community, and you know how small their feet are (lucky broads, I wear a womans 13 or 13) so the shoe stores there should carry shoes to fit him. There is a big WSS, Warehouse Shoe Source, at the entrance on the north side of the mall (facing the 405 Fwy). If you or your hubby wants to chat feel free to contact me... Katherine Dee (FB).

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