Tuesday, September 20, 2011

You Might Be A TGirl (Parts I and II)

Why do we love lists? I have no idea why I’m drawn to them. Online, on television, in some old magazine in the dentist’s office. Best cities in the world. Worst cities in the world. Even if the topic is nothing I care about – “Top Ten Muscle Cars Introduced Before 1975!” – I’m still drawn in. (I’m tempted here to list my Top Ten reasons that I love lists, but I’ll resist.)

And why on earth do I like Jeff Foxworthy? He probably wouldn’t make my own Top Ten list of favorite comedians. But every time I catch a bit of his act on cable, I find myself laughing. A guilty pleasure I guess. Maybe it’s because I know so many people with a little bit (or a lot!) of redneck in them. Or maybe it’s because deep down in my heart, I know I’ve got a little bit (or a lot!) of redneck in me.

So with my apologies to those who are tired of lists. And with big apologies to Jeff Foxworthy for appropriating his routine, here are a couple of my lists…

Part I
1. If you think that clothing styles designed for a 16 year old girl look absolutely fabulous on a 52 year old man, you might be a t-girl.

2. If you’ve ever spent 3 hours getting dressed up and putting makeup for men on just to take a 3 minute drive around the block, you might be a tgirl.

3. If you were the last person on your street to still own and operate a Polaroid camera, you might be a cross dresser.

4. If, after 6 years of trying, you still can’t properly apply false eyelashes, you might be a tgirl.

5. If you set out every night to look like Kelly Bundy, but always wind up looking more like Peg Bundy (and you’re really relieved that you don’t look like Al Bundy), you might be a tgirl.

6. If you’ve ever duct taped your naughty parts, you might be a tgirl.

7. If you’re walking like a man, hitting like a hammer, tasty like a raindrop… you might be a cross dresser. (And, baby, you’ve got the look!)

8. If the classic rock station on your personal Pandora inexplicably contains cuts by Pink, Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus, you might be a tgirl. (“Heyyyyyy-eyyy-eyyyy! It’s a party in the USA!”)

9. If curators from the Smithsonian are calling you for advice on the storage of large quantities of digital photographs, you might be a tgirl.

10. Too much make-up? Not enough dresses for men? You might be a t-girl.

Part II
1. If your daughter-in-law now forbids you to see your grandchildren (even though a month ago you were their favorite Pop Pop), you might be a tgirl.

2. If you’ve ever been fired from your job due to trace amounts of nail polish found on your pinkie finger, you might be a tgirl.

3. If, as a child, you were forbidden to wear the clothes you liked best because, as your Dad said, “No son of mine is going to act like some fruit,” you might be a tgirl.

4. If, in most states, you can’t legally marry the person you love most – no matter how much you want to wear that pretty white gown -- you might be a tgirl.

5. If the kids at your school are now using the power of the internet and social media to harass and bully you 24 hours a day to the point that you’re seriously considering suicide, you might be tgirl.

6. If you’re continually excluded from legislation designed to support other disenfranchised populations such as gays and lesbians, you might be a crossdresser.

7. If you’ve ever been shot and killed by your eighth grade classmate because you asked him to be your Valentine, you might be a tgirl.

8. If onlookers have ever failed to come to your rescue while you were being savagely beaten in a public place, like say… a McDonald’s, you might be a tgirl.

9. If law enforcement officials have commented on the attacks visited upon you and your friends as significantly more vicious than the typical hate crime, you might be a tgirl.

10. If you’ve read this entire post, and yet, nothing’s going to stop you from slipping into a hot new pair of stilettos for men and dancing your ass off this weekend… you’re definitely a tgirl.

Take care out there!
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy!



Linda Marie Daniels said...

Great post, Cici. Part 1 was really cute and entertaining. I have to admit I was a bit blindsided by Part 2 but I think that was the point. As much as we might love being tgirls, there is still a long way to go before society advances to adulthood. Thanks for this excellent article.

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"If, after 6 years of trying, you still can’t properly apply false eyelashes, you might be a tgirl."

I think I might be a Tgirl since I can apply false Eyelashes properly.

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