Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Unthinkable

I was talking with a friend about SRS (Male to Female Sex Reassignment Surgery) recently. My friend is not part of the tgirl scene, but he knows about me. He knows that I crossdress and that I have many friends in girl world. BTW… I am not thinking of SRS, it’s just a topic that came up. He thought about the prospect of SRS surgery, and had a curt, one-word response. “Unthinkable.”
Now, as I said, I’m not thinking about SRS, but I had to laugh to myself when he said the word “unthinkable.” Does he have any idea who he’s talking to? I’m a t-girl. The unthinkable is what we do!

Consider the 9 year old boy – scared and frightened about the feelings he’s been experiencing lately. He has an older sister and he really admires the way she looks in her feminine clothes. The mini skirts, the silky panties, the tights and nylons, the sexy shoes. He wants to try them on, but he doesn’t dare. He doesn’t dare risk getting caught. He’s the youngest in the family and everyone else is mean to him already.

Then one day he finds himself home alone. His mom is picking up his sister at ballet practice. His Dad is on his way home from work. To try on his sister’s new outfit, he’d have to sneak into her room (where he’s absolutely forbidden), gather up all the clothes, slip them on, pose a little, slip them off, and then put everything back exactly the way it was before he walked in. All before anyone gets home. Which could be any minute now. To go in that room would be to risk a lifetime of embarrassment and humiliation. And all for just a few moments’ thrill.

But we’re tgirls and the unthinkable is what we do.

Consider the young man with a new girlfriend. He really likes this girl. He’s been dating for several years now, but he’s never really found someone special. Someone that he really clicks with…until now. This girl “gets” him. He knows he’s thinking way too far ahead and he’s not ready for marriage yet, but deep in his heart of hearts he thinks that this girl just might be “The One.”

There’s just one problem. Now that he and his girlfriend have been dating a while, he feels like he should be honest with her. So he wants to tell her about his cross dressing. He didn’t want to tell her when they first met, that seemed inappropriate. He wanted to wait to see if something deeper was going to develop in their relationship. But now that it has, he’s really worried. Now he sees what a special women she is. He feels a sense of connection that he’s never felt before. In other words, he sees that he has a lot to lose if she doesn’t respond positively.

So will he risk everything? He desperately wants to be honest with her. But will he risk his one chance at love with the only woman he’s ever felt this way about? Why it would be unthinkable to take such a risk.

But we’re t-girls and the unthinkable is what we do.

Now imagine a middle aged guy. He’s been dressing in private for years. He has his own private stash of clothes. Panties. Crossdressing corsets. Stockings. Heels for men. A few years ago he logged on to the internet as a CD for the first time. In the past few years, he’s chatted with other tgirls, swapped a few photos, and found a few tips about style and make up. (He’s even ordered a few outfits from Suddenly Fem!) But now his online friends are begging him to come out. To join them at a local tgirl bar.

Will he go? I mean, dressing in the privacy of your own home is one thing. But to go out in public? Where someone might see you? And no matter how hard you try to avoid being seen, things can go wrong. You can have a flat tire. Or get pulled over for speeding. This guy has a wife and a family and a professional career to worry about. He can’t risk all that. Just for a few twirls on the dance floor of some seedy bar? Why, it’d be unthinkable.

But then, we’re tgirls and the unthinkable is what we do.

These are just a few random examples. I could list hundreds more. Think of the closeted crossdresser showing her face on the internet for the first time. Think of her sharing her cell phone number with a tgirl friend. Think of her not only going out to that “seedy little dance club,” but hanging out a little. Becoming a regular. Accepting offers from strange men who want to buy her a drink. It’s all unthinkable.

And what about the girl who’s already out? Now her friends want her to go out during the daytime! To go out to lunch…in broad daylight. Or maybe to go to a club that’s not specifically for tgirls or the LGBT crowd. In other words, to go to places where she might not be accepted or where she might run into one of her straight friends!
Unthinkable!

And yet we do it. (Because we’re tgirls and the unthinkable is what we do.) And usually, for most of us, when we take these risks, the world doesn’t end. The sun comes up. The stars still shine at night. And the ocean waves continue to wash against the shore.

I remember so many of the incidents I’ve listed above, because many of them happened to me. Or to close friends of mine. I’ve had friends who have had flat tires or run out of gas. I’ve had friends stopped for speeding. And I’ve had friends who’ve faced their longtime girlfriends or wives with a secret that they’ve been keeping for years.

And honestly, the results are not always good. Sometimes the girlfriend doesn’t accept you. Sometimes the big sister can’t wait to tell all her friends that her little brother is a sissy. Sometimes the cop wants to embarrass you by writing you up. Sometimes the obnoxious drunk in the bar won’t shut up and insists on causing a scene.

The risks are real. We know that. That’s what makes each of these moments so… momentous. So courageous. For the typical tgirl… who was raised and lives in a non-supportive environment… every step we take is a little victory. And every moment before we take that step is another moment to back out. To stay closeted. To keep our dreaded secret.

Fortunately though, there are those among us who take that step. Maybe they’re braver than us. Maybe they have less to lose. Maybe they were raised in a more supportive environment. Or maybe they just feel more strongly about these issues than we do. Who knows why. But they take those steps and they blaze those trails, so that girls like you and me can follow. If we so choose.

Right now, we’re witnessing all sorts of firsts in tgirl world. A transgendered prom queen. A well-known transgender fashion model. Parents groups are forming to support their “gender variant” children. (And btw, is that the ugliest term ever used to describe something beautiful? “Gender variant”? Really? It sounds like a botanical disease.)
I’m writing this during PRIDE month and there are pride celebrations all over the US and all over the world. Gay marriage is being hotly debated (you may get to wear that wedding gown after all!) And, on a more personal note, several of my t-girl friends have recently secured jobs. An amazing feat in any job market but particularly in this one!

So what does this all mean? Is real change happening? Is there a chance that the world is becoming more accepting? Or that the world might actually embrace all those young transgendered children growing up all over the world?

Of course not. Why that would just be… unthinkable.

Take care out there!
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy!

Xoxo,
CiCi

7 comments:

Lisakdoll said...

Way to go girl! this is almost . . . unthinkable

Robyn said...

Completely and utterly WOW!!! This could not have been said better if lives were at stake.

Anonymous said...

Well stated article. The ironic part is that I used to go out in public, when I looked not as good as now, and yet today I've lost my confidence. I'll give it another try.

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Michelle said...

GiGi, so well stated, so thought through--all of your blogs. There is something inherently "lonely" about being a closet CD--the excitement, the sense of joy and inner freedom, or delighting in this feminine expression, and yet, it isn't shared, for the most part can't be shared, but kept decidedly private. As with you, I've only opened up to this identity in later years (for me it's 50's). It's always been there, and even though all of my friends and family--going back to high school--would describe me as being masculine and athletic--my inner girl has so yearned for expression. I've only now started cross dressing (every chance I get), thanx to Suddenly Fem, but in private. I relate so strongly to your blog and your honest soul searching comments and insights. It is so reassuring to connect with others who have similar concerns and to be made aware that I'm not alone, strange or weird in this. Thank you, Michelle

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