Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The Question is: What is it Really Worth? By: Danielle at SuddenlyFem

As time goes on, naturally, society evolves. Generation from generation have different ideas of socially acceptable and moral code. At this point in 2011 the majority would say that as a society we are pretty liberal. Gays are fighting, and sometimes winning to be wed, music and media is more racy, sex is a subject that is talked about a great deal, and avoiding politics and religion is no longer considered an issue; All things that even 10 years ago weren’t necessarily “socially acceptable”. For the record, I HATE that term. You’ll see that I use it a lot, but I think it is asinine.

What the majority doesn’t like to admit is that there are still subjects and lifestyles that make them uncomfortable to discuss—Things and ideas that just seem so out of the norm or radical to bring up in casual or serious conversation. Over my time working for SuddenlyFem I have heard hundreds of stories from our customers. Stories of acceptance, stories of hate crimes, but more often than not—the stories of living double lives.

In our latest article from CiCi Kitten, a cross dresser for the past ten years, there was one quote in it that really resonated with me. He was discussing his t-girl lifestyle with his wife and she said, “I accepted it before I understood it”. I do believe that for most of my clientele that are living their double lives as Nicholas and Nicole would be more than thrilled to hear this from their significant other. Sure, some of my clients that live the double life truly enjoy the secrecy and the anonymity that goes with it. But, for the most part, I just hear a long for acceptance but they are scared. During one of my conversations this internal battle with the double lifestyle was put so simply, “It’s a matter of what it is worth. Do I put my house, my wife, my children and all the people and things in my regular life that make me happy on the line to cross dress? Or do I continue to live as I am and everyone is happy.” It made so much sense to me. It is a gamble. You don’t know if your wife or girlfriend or boyfriend, etc will accept it and it is like the stock market. You could lay it all out there and put all of your money into one stock, one admittance of your true self, and it can be wildly successful and accepted…or it could be Enron and be a disaster. It is really quite the decision for some.

There are so many questions that are associated with “coming out”. How do I even say it? When is the right time? Should I make it a disclaimer before I start dating someone? What if I’ve been married for years and just discovered my feminine side? Is my wife going to lose it? Will she think that I am gay? I could think of a million and one questions that would pass through the head of someone that was fighting the double life. Ultimately, it is a decision that has to be made by you. It’s something that you have to weigh. Do you want the double life forever? If your partner is not accepting does that mean that maybe they aren’t right for you? Are you just assuming that there is no way that your partner won’t accept it? I was told when I was a child by my Leave it to Beaver parents that if you find the right person that they will accept you for everything that you are and everything that makes you who you are. If you gain 10 pounds it won’t make you unattractive, if you snort when you laugh…of course when I was a child they didn’t say if you enjoy a little BDSM now and again, or if you prefer to wear boxer briefs instead of thongs or satin panties instead of cotton. It is who you are as a person that makes them love you…quirks and all.

Now, I’m not trying to start a revolution over here. I don’t want to personally be blamed for anything in your personal life (LOL). I’m not saying that everyone will accept it because if you refer back to my original paragraph you will see that I know that there are things that still make people uncomfortable. They are uncomfortable because they don’t understand it…humans are not wired to accept change right away. If everyone were like CiCi’s wife the world would be a better place.

I want to know a bit more about your lives. This is a forum where you can openly discuss judgment free. What is your story? Is yours a story of acceptance? Do you live a double life? Have you ever been attacked for embracing your feminine side? This is a safe place to connect with other transgendered or cross dressers which can be hard to find in these “socially accepting” (sarcasm) times.


CiCi said...

Great blog! And thanks so much for giving props to my wife! (She was really jazzed to see that.) And she really is a special person. i know that our relationship is far from the norm (sadly), so i am a very grateful girl. grateful that i live in a supportive community like SoCal. grateful that i discovered so much encouragement from literally hundreds of people on line. and, of course, very grateful that my wife -- my best friend -- is as accepting as she is!

Anonymous said...

Thanks CiCi! Your wife sounds amazing. I know that 70% of my customers would KILL for that. It is a constant battle with the double life. It's unfortunate, but like I always say, each and every person in this world deserves happiness. If this is your form of happiness you go ahead and do it--because at the end of the day you have to look yourself in the mirror and accept yourself and know that what your doing feels right and essentially, crossdressing is harmless.

Take care,

Kayla Roberts said...

Your article on the Oscars was well written and I agree with you. What bugs me the most is that in this day and time genetic men are portrayed as idiots while the female gender, even cross-dressed as men are made to appear superior, and as you said, stylish in every way.

Anonymous said...

I just want to know how many people do have a partner that is accepting. I get there with my girlfriend and then I just can't say it. I can't get it out. I don't know what to do.

gaylew95 said...

I have ALWAYS been a crossdressser & the proverbial,born the wrong sex poster boy,my only true wish was to have my wife except me in the role in my life where I was happyest.It took a ton of courage but when my breasts started to develope it was impossible to hide.Our lives changed as to we are like sisters now,& inseperable friends.Except out around family we share the same closet.It would be nearly impossible to label the satisfied life I now live.We are both 65 now & friends cannot believe how close we are

Susan said...

In response to: Anonymous said...
I just want to know how many people do have a partner that is accepting. I get there with my girlfriend and then I just can't say it. I can't get it out. I don't know what to do.

My wife accepted my fem side and all that goes with that after we were married with no problem at all and started right away to help me and shop with and for me. I can't begin to explain how happy that made me and made us even closer. Now I would never tell anyone to just go ahead and tell their wife, parter, ect., however I will say to you, bring up the subject in some small way just in general to see how she reacts, that is your best gauge as to how she will accept you, and then you can go slowly from there. I wish you all the best, you just may be suprised!

Lee from NOLA said...

I agree...a great blog. I have cross dressed since I was 8 years old but it has taken over a half-century to truly understand. I went through two marraiges that didn't last once I came out to my partners - one lasted 9 months, the other 24 years. Now, with the help of my new partner, I really understand who I am: I am, in fact a Male Lesbian. A true woman trapped inside a man's body struggling to get out. My new partner is a lesbian biological woman and she has helped me see this. We have an incredible relationship both personally and sexually. She says we have the best of both worlds. I would encourage all who cross dress to seek their true inner selves and you will find peace and contentment in who you are. If you accept yourself for who you are, others will certainly do the same.