Friday, December 11, 2009

Check Out Our New Blog! "Stay Alive!" By CiCi Kitten! Presented by Crossdresser.com The Crossdressing SUPERSTORE!

Twenty-six years ago this month, I found out I had cancer. I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Disease in December of 1983 and I had to undergo a year of chemotherapy. (Two treatments a month for 12 months.) I did my final treatment on December 19th, 1984. Twenty-five years ago. So this is kind of an anniversary for me. I always hesitate to say I’m cured, because cancer has a way of coming back when you least expect it. But I can say that I’ve been cancer-free for twenty-five years. And to say that a lot has happened in my life in those 25 years is kind of an understatement.

I earned my Master’s Degree. I moved to L.A. I sold a few screenplays. I married the coolest girl in the world. And I tried (I really did try!) to help raise my stepson. I’ve made some money, and I’ve also gone bankrupt. I drove cross-country a couple of times. I’ve snorkeled in the Keys, hiked in the Sierras, and sunned myself on the beaches of Maui. I’ve had lunch with Hollywood stars and drinks with pirates. I’ve met three billionaires. The cool girl left me. Then the cool girl came back. And, in the end, the cool girl stayed. It’s been quite a ride - certainly worth the year of chemo I had to endure. A mildly adventurous little life, but for the most part, fairly normal by most standards.

And then I met CiCi. And started with crossdresser clothing. And that’s when everything kinda went off the rails. In a good way. I think. It probably sounds weird to hear me talk about CiCi in the third person. But that’s how I often think of her. She’s a part of me, I don’t deny that. But she’s also my creation. The embodiment of so many of my hopes and dreams and fantasies in crossdressing lingerie and wishes. If I had died back in ’83, I never would have gotten to know CiCi. And that would have been a real shame.

Actually it would have been more than a shame. Because it would have meant I had lived my life without really living the life I wanted to live. (Did that make any sense?) So how are you doing? How’s your life going as we head into the second decade of the new century? Are you getting any closer to living the life you want to live? If not, believe me, I understand. This stuff is hard. But I have to say… the rewards are pretty awesome. For me, it’s good to be CiCi... even on a semi regular basis. And it’s really good to be alive.

Back in 1984, when I was going through chemo, there was a popular song by Big Country that really struck me. The song was, “In a Big Country,” and the chorus kept repeating the two-word phrase, “Stay alive.” I was pretty young back then and, like a lot of young people, I looked to pop songs and silly sitcoms for wisdom and inspiration. Actually, twenty-five years later I still look to pop songs and silly sitcoms for wisdom and inspiration. (Not a lot of progress there.) But it helped. I loved that song and the jangly way the band played their guitars to make them sound like bagpipes. Even now it makes me smile.

I was sad to learn that the song’s composer, and the creative force behind Big Country, Stuart Adamson, took his own life in 2001. I wasn’t a huge Big Country fan, but I was pretty torn up when I heard that. Because that song had meant so much to me. That lyric had meant so much to me. It was so simple. It was so pure. “Stay alive.”

So I was sad when I learned that Stuart hadn’t taken his own advice. (BTW… a few years later, when tragedy struck New Orleans, the bands Green Day and U2 recorded a charity single to raise money for the flood victims. The song they chose was a song Stuart had written for his first band, The Skids. “The Saints are Coming.” Of course, by then, sadly, Stuart was no longer around to hear it.)

So why am I dragging this all up now? Why am I sharing this on a tg website? What meaning do I want my sisters-in-arms to take from all this?

I honestly don’t know. Sometimes I sit down to write and the words flow and meaning comes. And sometimes it doesn’t. All I know is that once again the holidays are upon us. And, once again, I’m happy to be around to celebrate them.

Back in ’84, I attended cancer support group meetings pretty regularly. My fellow patients did a lot to help me through that difficult year. But, unfortunately, most of them weren’t as lucky as me. Most of them are long gone now. Distant memories. But I like to take a moment at this time of year to think of them, to remember their many gifts to me, and to toast their memory.

And then, once I’ve toasted the past, I like to toast my new friends. My present. Because, well, let’s face it. The past is gone. And tomorrow is never promised. But today? Today is motherfucking mine.

So here’s to today. Here’s to friends past and present. And here’s to you, Stuart Adamson, wherever you are. It’s been twenty-five years since my last chemo treatment, and, after all this time, I’m still not expecting to grow flowers in the desert. But I can live and breathe. And the see the sun in wintertime.
Stay alive.


Be smart. Be safe. Be sexy!
xoxo,
CiCi

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

Darlin,
The world's a better place to be with you in it. Grace and beauty, wit and humor, your gifts to the rest of us. Thanks for sticking around!
XOXOXO
Ursa

CiCi said...

The end of that piece got clipped... so here's the final paragraphs... :)

And then, once I’ve toasted the past, I like to toast my new friends. My present. Because, well, let’s face it. The past is gone. And tomorrow is never promised. But today? Today is motherfucking mine.

So here’s to today. Here’s to friends past and present. And here’s to you, Stuart Adamson, wherever you are. It’s been twenty-five years since my last chemo treatment, and, after all this time, I’m still not expecting to grow flowers in the desert. But I can live and breathe. And the see the sun in wintertime.
Stay alive.


Be smart. Be safe. Be sexy!
xoxo,
CiCi

Anonymous said...

CiCi,

I wanted to let you know that we get many feedback calls here, calls thanking you for your blogs, your thoughts and your adventures..You are an inspiration to many people who come together at crossdresser.com, and this GG could learn a thing or two from you!

~Willow

Anonymous said...

Cici,
You rock girl! Happy Holidays to you and yours! I am very impressed by your attitude and candor. Thank you. I encourage you to keep posting your thoughts here from time to time ... as they are encouraging to me.

To all:
In truth, I am in need of all the encouragement and sound advise I can get. Last night a gg friend, an ex-colleague, dropped by our home, unannounced. I was dressed and suffice it to say, there was nothing I could do, but open the door and invite her in out of the cold. I'm sure she noticed the curled eyelashes, feminine hairstyle, earrings and conservative but decidedly feminine slacks and sweater. My breasts are small, but obvious with all the other feminine markers. It was bound to happen sooner or later.

She dropped off the package and left. It was awkward. Question is what do I do now? How will this conservative, predominantly Mormon community handle a Tg living covertly in their midst?

I would like to have some idea of how to handle myself when the word gets around. I have always been an honest person and have stridently avoided lying, always.

Any thoughts?
Tarie, SW Utah

Michelle said...

Thank you for your blog on being alive. It is always sad when someone that inspires you dies, especially by suicide. Just a few weeks ago this happened to me with the loss of Christine Daniels. She had been there for me and helped me through my transition period. Without her friendship and advice, I may not have made it. Yet the pressures on her were enormous, finally taking the toll of her own transition, and eventually her own life on the day after thanksgiving. Life is good for me now, yet without her guidance, it probably would not be so. Because of the hatred and prejudice in the world, she is not here today to enjoy the life she should have had. I hope that with more success stories such as CiCi and even my own, that others will not have to suffer the same fate as Christine. She is greatly missed.
Michelle

CiCi said...

Tarie,

so very sorry to hear that you find yourself in this predicament. i like that you don't like to lie and wish to remain an honest person. i'm one of those old fashioned girls who still thinks that honesty is the best policy. that said, i'm very careful about who i tell about cici. without knowing any of the people involved, it’s pretty difficult to comment on your situation. but I do have a few suggestions, and I encourage other readers to add their own.

First, you might consider a pre-emptive strike. call your colleague friend, and ask/beg/pray for her to keep her discovery to herself. this may or may not work. but since you're sure the colleague saw something amiss, you might have very little to lose.

If she tells others about you and you get the sense that word has gotten out, you still have a few options as I see it. first of all, be very careful. as i'm sure you know, many people have lost jobs, promotions, wives, children, visitation rights, etc. due to their transgender nature. i'm sure this is what you're most worried about, so please take this very seriously. and avoid the topic entirely among people you don't feel you can trust. you say you don't want to lie, and I respect that. but remember, "none of your business" is a valid answer to any question, as is, "i really don't feel comfortable talking about this with you. it's private."

now, will comments like these stop the questions or odd looks you anticipate receiving? that's hard to tell. as i write this i realize that a lot of this depends on your own personal goals and feelings. do you have a family? are you thinking of transitioning? how "out" are you already? and, if challenged, would you lean towards sticking it out in your town, or moving to somewhere where you'll feel more comfortable.

By answering those questions, you’ll have a better idea of what’s at stake for you. As always, you can’t control the thoughts and actions of others. But you have total control over your own actions. Your options range from leaving town on the next bus out to staying in town for the rest of your life and living life “out” and free as a woman. Chances are, the best answer for you will be somewhere in between those two extremes.

Please keep in touch Tarie. I want to know how you’re doing. there are no good answers in situations like this. But in a way, you answered your own question in your letter. Be honest. Especially with yourself.

xoxo,
CiCi

I’d love to hear from other girls on this. Has anyone else ever been in Tarie’s position?

CiCi said...

Michelle,
In another chat room that i frequent, there was quite a bit of talk about Christine Daniels. she obviously inspired a large number of people. although, it does sound like your story is a little more personal. so my heart goes out to you in this time of loss. my heart also goes out to Christine -- who conducted herself so bravely in a world that i have to assume was very male oriented and quite conservative.

i'm so sorry that she didn't feel the peace and comfort she so obviously spread to others. how ironic that her public notoriety inspired so many, yet simultaneously, that notoriety added to the tension and weight she felt.

Michelle, for me, the holiday season is a time of great hope. and the start of the new year a time for new beginnings. it sounds like that's where you might be over the next few months. please feel free to drop me a note and let me know how you're doing.

i'm so sorry that you've lost your mentor, Michelle. but her lessons are yours to keep forever.

xoxo,
CiCi

CiCI said...

Willow,
thanks so much for the comment, babydoll. and thanks so much for all you do for crossdresser.com! i hope to meet you one day, but until then, happy holidays to you and to everyone else back in the "home office"!
xoxo,
CiCi

Michelle said...

CiCi,

Thanks for your comments about the situation. Yes, Christine's loss was definitely a personal one for me, especially when her family prevented me from being at her funeral service because they didn't want anyone who was obviously transgender to participate. I will always remember that fantastic smile and enthusiasm she had after her own transition. It is so horrible when others force their will upon someone and make the go back in the closet "for their own good."

As for Tarie, and your dilemma, all I can tell you from my own experience of transition, is that you will be much happier with yourself if you do whatever you feel inside you must do, and not worry as much about how it affects others. This is what killed Christine, and I definitely don't want to hear the same for someone else. Hopefully your friends and family will come along with you on your new life, but there is obviously a chance they will not. I feel that I got fairly lucky in how few people I lost, but that was more than made up for in the new friends I gained, and the new life where I am actually happy for the first time ever.

When I was in the dumps, not knowing how to proceed, Christine sat with me one evening just before I was to come clean to a large group of people, and told me a simple truth that I will pass along: "Don't sell your friends short." Because of that simple wisdom, I believe that I reacted differently when I went through that process, and many people stuck with me that might not have done so otherwise.

I hope this helps somewhat and that Christine's legacy can pay it forward even after she is gone.

Michelle

DEANA said...

CiCi,You are such an inspiration to me.I have been in the closet since around the age of two when my mother dressed me as a girl for Halloween because she could not afford to buy me a costume.she kept that dress and shoes in a closet upstairs where my brothers and I would play hide and seek,my brothers never found me. I am now 46 years old and have a wonderful wife and two beautiful daughters,and yes I love them very much. My problem is that my wife knows about everything HELL she even buys me womens clothing not mens I have a seperate closet full of my clothes.I can not find time to wear my stuff because my oldest daughter has graduated from high school and has no job(always home).I want to tell my children the truth so I can be myself when I want to be, that is about 99% of the time. I need to be encouraged or discouraged please give me some advice.
XOXOXO
DEANA

CiCi said...

Deana,
So sorry, but i can neither encourage or discourage. i know that sounds like a cop out. but you know what's important to you. you know your kids. you know the atmosphere in the house. i don't think there's ever a particularly good or bad time to tell loved ones about our little secret. i think that everyone's situation is different.

when my stepson was in his teens and early 20's he often lived at home. during those times, i stashed everything away and did not dress. was it hard? absolutely. did i miss it? terribly. but i felt my first commitment was to my family, and at that time there was already too much tension in our house. i didn't want to add to it.

as for encouragement, it sounds like you will be telling your children at some point and that you will have the chance to live exactly as you wish. in that way, you have more hope than many who read this blog. it sounds like you have a pretty good thing going, Deana. most girls i know would give their left arm for an understanding/encouraging wife such as yours. and since you're considering telling your children, you must think very highly of them and their ability to accept others who may be different from them.

in short, it sounds like you've built a wonderful life for yourself. a life that many would envy. so many congratulations to you! and happy holidays to you and your whole family! you live in home filled with love. after that, everything else will take care of itself. :)

xoxo,
CiCi

Seleena K said...

CiCi darling,

You continue to inspire. What's that old expression? "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger"? You truly are the personification of those words.

And as we all continue to get bogged down by the small insignificant things in our lives, you continue to set us straight on what's really important. Thank you so much (again)!

*hugs*

Seleena

tbsocal said...

CiCi,

An anniversary well worth observing! Hugs & Kisses, Karyn!

CiCi said...

Michelle,
so sorry that you were forbidden to attend the funeral. it really shows such a strong misunderstanding on the family's part of what this life is all about... and of how much Christine meant to so many.

Seleena and Karyn (my alt.com sisters!) thanks so much for checking out this blog and for your kind comments. have a wonderful holiday season... and a fab 2020!

CiCi said...

LOL... i meant 2010. Let's not skip any decades!

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