Friday, May 8, 2009

Letting Go

~ By Claire Devaroux

First of all...thank you to all that have read and/or left comments! I love em' !! Thank You Gurls!!!

I am going to talk about a topic that is on my mind 24/7. Letting go of my male side. I believed for a long time I held back from following my dreams of transforming into a woman because I was a man. Now, that I am in the start of transition (and loving it!) I look at the now and the feelings that are holding me back from going 24/7 is saying goodbye to Cory and taking on Claire full time.

I think Cory is a great guy! Good looking, athletic and a great outgoing attitude. I still feel at times (becoming less and less though) Cory being the dominant emotion inside.

Now, let’s talk a little bit about Claire. Claire is being created every moment of everyday as I continue to put one foot in front of the other. I can say this: When I am feeling totally Cory on a day and don't have much thought in wanting to be Claire, I can start putting on some panties and hose and all of sudden, like a wave of emotion that flows through out my body, I want to be Claire instantly. When I recognized this -- that is when I started to believe that I am going to transition full time.

I am the transgender type that has had these feelings my whole life. I was the one who stayed home to wear moms clothes (no sisters or brothers for that matter). I would pull out the "sick" card to stay home from school. This was a real norm for me in the 70's and into the early 80's. I never had any exposure to tranny's or really knew what "they/we" are but all I know is my mom’s closet had a huge magnet that dragged me in and I just could not help myself in wearing her panties, hose, shoes, lipstick and dresses. How comfortable I felt and how it all seemed right.

I think back at the day I stayed home from school and all dressed up in moms clothes and actually calling her at work and asking her if she had any wigs. She didn't....damn it! lol.
I also recall the time that I did not fit into moms shoes anymore and in a short time could not fit in any clothes and the fun was gone. I have met several gurls over the past couple of years and

I have realized that there is a total spectrum of us gurls. From the crossdresser who is still married and wants to continue to be married to the opposite sex to the full transition with the SRS. I firmly believe that I will be on the end of the SRS part but Cory is still there! I won't know until I am living 24/7 as Claire. I hope y'all are keeping up!!!! So, I have been in several relationships with women and I still love em'! My last serious relationship I was engaged to a wonderful woman who is now my best friend and my biggest supporter of my transition!! She is amazing. She has told me that she would rather hang out with Claire over Cory because she sees that I am more "me" as Claire. It's not that she doesn't want to hang out with Cory (she still loves him as well) but I am just not the same. I do understand what she is saying because the wonderful feeling I have when I am Claire comes out in every aspect of me...smiles...ideas...a real person. Cory still deals with deep thought, avoiding depression and most times anti-social.

I am working on my "being Claire 24/7" everyday. I am in school to change careers and I have found a change that I think will be suitable for this transition. I am going into the health and medical field and want to be certified in several fields. I am going through all this here and now in my mid 30's and I live in a great area in the Northwest and I don't want to wait another 10+ years to do this when "we all know" its not going away. So to wrap this up....I love Cory and Cory still wants to go play sports and hang out with the fellas and do those type of things BUT those things are loosing there luster.. and I just love being Claire!

Kisses Claire xoxo


jennytg said...

Great post.A friend sent you post to me to read because I am going through the same thign at this point.I started years ago in very much the same way you did and knew 2 decades ago i wanted to fully transition.I just learned a couple weeks ago my job is accepting so I'm waiting for our diversity mgr to get back so I can out myself to him and work on a gameplan.Best of luck with your transition.I,m scared to death on one hand but elated on the other as the last job I had before this one got rid of me when I was outted to the owner by a coworker.

Best wishes on your transition jenny

jennifertg said...

I know what youre going through I just made the same decision to fully transition. I knew years ago that I wanted to fully transition. I made an importmant decision to finally let Joseph go and br Jennifer 24/7 and feel so good and thats the person that I finally am. Good lucl on your transition and we know that we made the right decision.

greenhawk46 said...

that's great Claire-I love to watch t-girls evolve, it's such a unique human experience, filled mostly with joy, but not without it's pitfalls, disappointments or down days-but there's lots of support out here for transwomen- and lots of admirers-
xxxxx Jim

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