Monday, March 23, 2009

REFLECTION

~By Claire Devaroux
As I was laying here thinking what to write the word reflection comes to me. When you look in the mirror you see your reflection. When you think of the past...that is reflection. I find it ironic that the word has meanings of past and present. So, it brings me to this moment. I am going to share a piece of me from the past. A couple of years ago I started to actively pursue the feelings and thoughts that have been brewing inside of me for so many years of dressing as a woman and actively pursuing to be a woman. I had a roommate at the time and this was very nerve racking. First, I started by dressing up in my room through the night and play poker on-line for hours and hours. I would then sneak out to the living room and then to the back deck to "get outside" without my roommate even knowing, but that can only last so long! I decided to go out of my room and into the big world without being seen but to be noticed! It was such a rush! I put on nail polish, makeup (absolutely GOD awful when applied...I think we have all been there!!! lol), wig and the slutiest items I could throw together. I loved it!!! I would drive around looking for a gas station that was out of my town (so no one would recognize my car at 4 am...lol) and a station with no other cars. When I came home after my long drive of anxiety and stimulation (and it lasted 45 min. lol) I was walking through the kitchen on my way to the bedroom when I heard my roommate's bedroom door open......OMG!!! Here I am in the open and nowhere to go. I have proven to myself over and over again that I do think clearly when faced with quick thinking decisions...I went behind an intermediate wall and told him to stop....I said I was sick and naked and came out to get some water and I apologized and asked him to go back in his room. "Of course" he said with that not sure what’s going on here voice, and I would go back to mine....it worked to my dismay. The bevy of emotions I had at that ONE moment could fuel a chick flick for 3 hrs. As I reflect back on this moment in my life, I see how far I have come, in such a short amount of time from then to now. I am thankful that I got out of there un-scathed as I know "they" (friends and family) will all know who I really am at some time!

That thought next time!

Luvs and Kisses Claire

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for Sharing Dear...Your ideas and experiences are nice to read...Stacey

Anonymous said...

Claire Devaroux


Such a beautiful name for such a buatiful lady. Thanks for being our advocate and source of inspiration in the CD world. I wrote to the blog to sort of come out of the closet. I haven't and probably won't tell my family or friends about my other life. I am a staight hetrosexual male with a heavy and strong sex drive. No one would even think I would have another identity like my Carolyn persona.

Thanks for letting me get my hang ups and secret out. I feel liberated, even if I've only gone out as Carolyn three times in ten years.

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