Friday, March 20, 2009


I don’t know how everyone else is doing. But if I had to sum up my life these days with one word, that word would be “overwhelmed.” It gets pretty crazy in girl world, doesn’t it? I was in the closet for so long. Then I was an online girl. And I was always looking forward to the day (night?) when I’d finally start going out. I thought that that would be a huge accomplishment for me (and it was!). I thought it would be fun (and it is!).

I just didn’t know how exhausting it would be! (And I don’t even get out that much.) I think I’m like a lot of other cd’s and tgirls. I’m married. I have a family. I have a career. I have friends. And they all need and deserve my attention.

But this girl thing. It just slowly starts to take over your life. In a good way. (I think.) It has made my life so much more enjoyable. So much more satisfying. So much more sensual. But it sure hasn’t made my life easier.

At a time when I should be watching every penny, my femme life asks me to spend more. At a time when I need to be really focused on my job, my femme life distracts me. At a time when my friends and family deserve my attention, I am drawn to a whole new set of friends.

And the two lives are frustratingly separate. Neither side really knows much about the other. For instance, if something nice happens in my femme life, I have virtually no one in my “straight” life to discuss it with. Because I keep my CiCi life private. Conversely, if something good happens in my guy life, I can’t really tell anyone in my femme life, because I’ve protected my privacy. So I end up with no one to share the good times or the bad times. There is no crossover between the two.

And I have no one to blame but myself. I could come clean to both sides. And maybe some day I will. I’m just not ready to make that move yet. So I’m left hanging in between two worlds. I’m in “no man’s land.” (LOL. Now isn’t that an ironic twist of a phrase for someone struggling with gender issues?)

Not long ago, a very dear friend asked me what I would do if I really felt free to pursue my femme life. And I was stunned by the question. I realized that that the idea of freedom was totally unthinkable to me. I’d never really considered it. I mean, I fantasize all the time. I’m going to run off to Vegas and become a show girl. Some sugar daddy is going to scoop me up and I’ll spend my days flying around the world from resort to resort. Or a kinky mistress is going to enslave me and keep me in her own personal dungeon.

Nice fantasies. And I’m sure you have some equally amazing fantasies of your own. But what if it was real? What if you really could pursue your passions – without fear of losing your friends and family? Without fear of losing your job? Without fear of losing your wife or girlfriend? Then what would you do?

What would you do if nobody cared? Imagine for a moment that crossdressing wasn’t seen as such an odd lifestyle. What if dressing like a girl was no different than having a tattoo or being pierced – not the norm, but certainly acceptable behavior by today’s standards?

Obviously we’d all dress more. But would you go full-time? Would you go to work dressed? Would you want to? Would you spend time with your “straight” friends in feminine mode? Attend cocktail parties in slinky evening gowns? Would you go shopping and dining out or to parties or to stand in line at the DMV in girlie mode?
Would you do the things you enjoy most en femme?

I’m picturing myself at Dodger Stadium in a micro mini and stiletto heels. But would I ever really do that? Would you? I hope you would. And I hope I would too. But then I realize that that fantasy – the fantasy where the world accepts crossdressers like us as normal members of society is as far-fetched a fantasy as the sugar daddy or the dominatrix wife. Maybe even more so.

I hope that’s changing. I hope that sites like this one are gradually helping to make this harmless lifestyle more acceptable to the world at large. But even more, I hope sites like this are helping you feel more accepted by your own self.

Wow! As I look back over this blog, it seems a little depressing to me. And it wasn’t meant to be. I think crossdressing (and crossdressers) have come a long way in the past few years. And I think we’ll go even further in the next few.

And I am having fun – despite feeling like I’m being pulled in two very different directions. I’ve met so many other girls out there who are going through the exact same things I’m going through. And they’ve all been so supportive to me. So kind. So willing to let me – often a total stranger -- vent or discuss or whine or share or cheer or laugh or cry. I know there’s a lot of cattiness out there in girl world. Plenty of petty jealousies and thoughtless slights. But when I think about how nice everyone has been to me and how close we all are as sisters, I get kind of misty-eyed. And once again, I am…


Take care out there.
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy!


Zelda Rose said...

I do understand how you feel, oh so well. And I don't think you were being too negative. We do have two lives, and each requires attention. Do I wish we could just go out and nobody would care? Sure, it'd be nice. But you know, I'll still do it because it is important to me. And that's all that matters

Sandra M. Lopes said...

Oh wow. Naturally, I'm not surprised that you echo my thoughts exactly. Perhaps I wouldn't become a show girl or get locked in a domme's dungeon, but certainly walk around much more en femme. Even if currently I hardly have courage to enter my car and drive around (much less leave it!). I'm still at the webcam phase...

And yes, as time passes, I start thinking more and more about how I would reorganise my life to allow me to be longer en femme. 15 years ago or so, when I lived with my parents, I could only go out during my vacations. My dream was to get my own home so that I could dress more. For that I had to work insanely hard — which left little time left for my CDing. When I finally got my own home, my partner came to live with me shortly thereafter — and I hadn't told her yet. As so often happens, most of my outfits were given away at that time — I thought I couldn't afford to dress again, ever. But, alas, you can't "cure" yourself, even with drastic measures, and the nagging urge to dress again only increased... so my next stage was to prepare her to accept my "other self" — which took several years. Finally, one day, I couldn't bear the thought any longer that I had to keep away from dressing, and I had to trust our long relationship to last this big revelation. It certainly did! But when I finally told her everything, 4 years ago, we were both poorer than church mice. So, again, it meant working hard again to get some extra money for buying a new set of outfits ;) Then, of course, I realised that there would be next steps again: clearly, if I ever wished to become a full-time CD, I would have to drop everything: job, family, friends.

The first stage seemed to be the most obvious one. I don't see myself becoming a CD prostitute — probably the only paying job for a CD in my country. That would be way too tough on me — and I'm too old anyway! I also have a very low libido, which is unusual for CDs, but definitely a drawback :) Sooo the choice was to run (again) my own business, but this time, do it from home. Well, I'm not completely unsuccessful — I barely manage to survive, and the number of hours away from home has shrunk dramatically — but the thing is, I have to work twice as many hours as before, leaving almost zero time for CDing. And then the whole thing becomes more and more complex. Do I really wish to be seen by my neighbours (I live in an apartment), who are mostly elderly and intolerant people? Granted, I could just go out late night, but — what about shopping for food? Neighbours would certainly notice it! Also, is it fair for me to subject my adored partner to a life of being stigmatised as the "wife of a freak"? No, so that means saving even more money to get away to a different neighbourhood, and live in our own home, and not in a flat. More work! Less free time! Then we will have some kids, and while at a very tender age, they won't really matter, at some point they will start asking questions. That will mean keeping away from CDing for a decade or two — or work even harder to keep a second house where I can dress at will, but only for a few hours at most. Until, well, the kids grow up and leave the home. And what will happen when finally I manage all that? I'd probably be 80 years old by that time :) Will it still matter to me anymore, or, worse, will I still have a mind that cares?

No, like Cici, I don't get depressed by this. I think it helped me to shape goals and a purpose: each step is incredibly more difficult than the next, but the challenge of doing it "just because I wish to dress more time" is quite an incentive!

Still, I naturally wish it were way easier.

Milliscent said...

A friend sent me this very well done article, and I must say that I've found what I think will prove to be a wonderful place to frequent.

In my own life I've had to live less of a 'double life' as time has gone on. I've made friendships that are great both in vanilla and kinky ways. Extended family has figured out that sometimes it's best just not to look at things very closely. All in all, a slow process, but a very good process for having to hide so much of oneself away is not healthy nor fun.

Dorothy said...

Yes, most all of us have gone through what your experiencing at the moment. I'm over 60 and still have visions of myself in mini skirts etc. A long skirt and sandals worked fine at the DMV though.
I would suggest you focus more on keeping your shape so that when you go past that 40 year old mark that you can still put it together when your in your 40's,50's & 60"s. An old lady by then? Perhaps, but you'll still want to go out to dinner and to a show with people and you will have a lot more courage by then. It'll be more important then ever to you then.Enjoy your youth to the fullest but plan for the long haul. Have you seen pictures of "Boy George" lately? Don't go there !

CiCi said...

Thanks for your comments, everyone! Sandra, i was particularly struck by your comments because you went into such detail. and, i hope you know, many of us can relate to each step you describe. it's not easy! and it won't go away. so each of has to find the right sense of balance for ourselves. the world will change eventually. i'm confident of that. and each little thing that we do in our own lives is part of that change.

Lavida Loca said...

Oh my, you poor dear. Whilst I may not be married nor attached, I still sympathize with the fact that it takes over you're life.

For me, putting on that mask of make up gives me license to do things I never dared to do as a boy. Like a dangerous,sexy Charlie's Angels on Testosterone; I go out and return home not wishing to to return to boy mode.

Anonymous said...

Dodger Stadium in a micro mini and stiletto heels! I love it, I'm ready if you are! Pick out a game in 2014 and I'll fly out from Connecticut to go with you. Big step but I'll do it!

Love you CiCi!

Part Time Danielle

Paula Feedback said...

yes miss CiCi this is Paula fFeeback <<<< as my fem name and was curious if u or know of any one that could help me ijn becoming a full cross dresser and i have read your article and i kind of feel the way u do and to feel you the truth the reason why i started cross dressing and looking for feminine clothes is because i don't know if u remember the show wonder woman or heard of playboy bunnies and i hope that u can help me out and if u need a friend to talk to i hope i found one i am here sincerely Paula Feeback