Q. I am married and I saw that you are too. I need some help getting my wife to support me. So your spouse is ok with it? Was it easy/hard? Did she come around eventually or was she kinky already? Sorry for the 20 questions. Any insights you can offer would be helpful. ("Maya")
A. No worries on the 20 questions, Maya. I'm always happy to help if I can. But I have to be honest. I'm not a very good source on this topic. My wife and I have been together a while, so she was there from the start. She's pretty much watched CiCi emerge. So I never really had to "tell" her. She's also very accepting of my other kinks and fetishes, so she's not a normal case. (We're not a very normal couple.)
Unfortunately, there's nothing you can really do to change how someone feels about dressing. For instance, I know a lot of people have foot fetishes. I don't. Boots and heels, yes! But feet? Just not my thing. Any way, no matter how much someone tried to convince me, I don't think I'd ever get into feet.
And it might be the same with your wife. She may never get into your dressing. She may never accept it. In that case, the key question is whether or not she'll allow you to explore. Will she grant you permission to dress? Go out? Date? Play? Have sex? (You may not even want to do all those things, but that's the usual progression.)
So how do you tell your wife? How do you break it to her?
It's a tough position to be in. But just try to remember: she's in a tough position too. Before you get started, here are a couple of key questions to ask yourself...
- How's your sex life now? How's the intimacy level?
- How good are you two at being friends?
- How does she respond to gays/tgs in the media?
- Has she ever seen you dressed or seen pix of you? What was her reaction?
Hopefully, answering these questions will give you a good idea of how to approach her. Obviously, the closer you are and the more understanding she is, the better your prospects for a meeting of the minds. Try to get a read on how she feels about gender-bending in general. Maybe watch a T-themed movie or TV show. (Have you seen "Dirty Sexy Money"? It features a really nice performance by Candis Cayne as Billy Baldwin's T-Girl love interest.) Probably the more positively she responds to images or portrayals of other girls in the media, the better your chance for success.
But there are no guarantees here. And there's an awful lot at stake. Important, expensive things can lie in the balance... from your marriage, your family, and your relationship with your children, to your home, your career and your investments. They can all be taken away in a divorce. So don't kid yourself about the possible consequences.
That's why I totally understand why a dresser girl would not want to tell her wife. Sometimes there's just too much at risk. But I would never advocate keeping this secret from someone you intend to marry. If you're planning on marrying a current partner, please by all means tell them. There is still a lot at risk involved, but why sentence you and your future spouse to a life full of secrecy and sneaking around? It's just not fair. And you won't be happy.
If you have a significant other and you're keeping this a secret, then you know exactly what I mean. Because you're doing it right now. You're hiding your clothes. You're hiding your make up. You're telling her that you're surfing the internet when you're really chatting with other girls. Maybe you're even sneaking out to meet people or to go to clubs. But you're lying to her. And you're lying to yourself.
You're lying to yourself because you're thinking that somehow this is a temporary thing. That you're just exploring a fetish or chasing a fantasy. You're telling yourself that you're not sure where this will all lead. But take it from me. Dressing only leads to one thing. And that's more dressing.
You may purge some day. (I did.) You may toss all your stuff in the trash and promise yourself that you'll never dress again. But I bet you won't keep that promise. The desire to dress is just too strong. And for most of us, it only gets stronger.
Telling your wife may be the hardest thing you ever do. So don't take it lightly. And be sure you've taken the time to try to really see things from her point of view first. She may be frightened that she'll lose you, she may think that you're no longer the person she married, or she may not understand the whole cd thing at all.
So if you decide to tell her, remember this: Don't just talk to her. Help her. Reassure her. And always make it clear that she is the most important thing in your life.
Take care out there.
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy!