Monday, December 10, 2007

Baby Steps in Sky High Heels

A few months ago, a nice gentleman from this website contacted me and asked me if I'd be willing to write a monthly column for the site. Something with a bit of a personal perspective. Something that might add to the Suddenly Fem experience. Now, I like to write. And I love attention (ask any of my friends). So without really thinking it over, I said, "Yes."

Silly me. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I've been dressing for about seven years now - give or take a few years due to the time when I freaked out, swore off dressing, and tossed all my clothes in the trash. But for the most part, I think I've been making some progress in my feminization process. I'm getting out in the world. I'm getting more comfortable in my own skin. So by this point, I should know a little bit about girlworld. About dressing. About style. About important political issues facing the transgender community.

Um. Well. Actually. It seems. I don't.

"Don't worry," said the gentleman who hired me. "Just throw in some tips on how to do make-up. Or how to lace up a corset. Things like that."

That's when I really freaked. I have no idea how to lace a corset. And I'm still struggling with my make-up. I'm not the kind of person who can answer questions like that. I'm the kind of person who goes online to search for answers to questions like that! (To be honest, my best solution for both of those questions would be, "Have a friend do it!") So I was forced to face the awful truth. I have no business writing a column like this. I'm just not an expert.

Then it hit me. That's when I accidentally stumbled upon the overriding theme for this column. I won't present myself as an expert. Instead, I'll present myself as a girl who's a lot like the typical reader. A lot like you.

Does this sound familiar? Am I still straight? Am I bi? If I like other T-Girls, am I a lesbian? What if my family finds out? What if my girlfriend finds out? Oh my god, what if my Mother finds out? Do I have to leave the closet? Do I have to tell my wife? Do I have to shave my legs? Can I still wear shorts in the summer? Is it autumn yet? Will everyone at work notice that I pluck my eyebrows? Is this too much make-up? Or is not enough? Will the girls at the MAC counter really be nice to me? Will the salesgirls at the mall realize that my wife doesn't have size 12 feet? And what if I get pulled over by the cops? And finally, how can I focus when I have all these questions zipping around my brain all at the same time -- while I'm on deadline at work, my wife is on the phone, and I still have to get the kids to soccer practice by 6:00?

It's not an easy life, is it? But we're doing it. If you're reading this column, I'm going to assume that you're a dresser of some sort. That you enjoy wearing ladies clothes. And you're hoping to get better at it. Well, that's exactly what I'm doing.

For years when I was online, people would ask me how I was doing. Had I gone out yet? Had I dated yet? Had I had sex as a woman yet? (People online can get pretty personal.) Any way, I gave them all the same answer. I told them I was progressing, but that I was going slowly. I was taking baby steps. Baby steps in sky high heels.

And I'm still doing it. And I'll bet you are too. So where are you in the process? Are you dressing head-to-toe? Or do you just do panties and nylons? Have you bought your first wig yet? Have you bought your first pair of heels? How big is your make-up collection? Or maybe you've started going out. Maybe you've shared your secret with friends or loved ones. Maybe you're even thinking about going full-time. Or transitioning through hormones or surgery.

The point is. We're all at different levels here. We all have different goals. But we're all wondering the same exact thing: "Where does this all lead? Where does this all end?" And that, my sisters, is a question I just can't answer for you. And I couldn't answer it even if I was the top expert in the field. But I can give you my opinion.

This never ends. There is no finish line. You may never come out of the closet. You may never be anything more than a cyber girl. On the other hand, maybe you'll end up having SRS surgery and becoming a brand new woman with a brand new drivers' license to prove it. It's all waiting for you. You just have to decide what "it" is. There are so many options available to you now. So many ways to express your "T."

And that's what I'm going to write about. The problems and the possibilities. The fears and the fantasies. The hopes and the hopelessness. Just don't ever think of me as an expert. Because I'm not. Nope. I'm right here next to you. Taking my baby steps. In a brand new pair of really killer sky high heels.

Take care out there.
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy.
xoxoxo,
CiCi

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow CiCi, you seem so "together" I had no idea you felt this way. I suddenly feel like we have more in common than I first thought. I'm thrilled that you are writing this column, and I'm glad you're not the expert, but you are a hero of mine. It just makes it easier to relate.

Keep writing!
Maya

elizabeth said...

What a nice, thoughtful, and straighforward perspective on us girls. I have been dressing, on and off, for years. It is nice to know that there are lots of us. AND, there is nothing wrong with wearing a pretty dress....

Jonnette said...

I can't wait to start reading your'e posts. We have a lot in common.

Anonymous said...

Cici, I love how you grasp, the struggle we have in common. You are a great help to me in understanding myself, Thank you!

Anonymous said...

I am a straight woman that truly accepts CD/TV men. Just wish my friend would not feel shame and share that part of his life with me. I think it is very sexy. Just wait and hope??
Isabella

Anonymous said...

You said a mouthful!! Problems and possibilities; hopes and hoplessness. I've also only been seriously dressing for about 8 years. I've come to realize that it's always going to be a part of me.
I know my friends and family wouldn't understand so I keep it a secret. I've had to hide it from the past two women in my life. Sometimes the hopelessness of wondering if there will ever be a woman who would accept that side of me. My secret is one of the primary reasons I didn't let the relationships move forward...they both made comment regarding their disdain for CD'ing.
I wonder if I'll always have to live a secret life. I don't want to hide it from the woman in my life even though I realize friends and family will always be "off-limits". Will I be alone for the rest of my life??
The saving grace is that there's always hope. I'll keep on going and enjoy my femme side when I can. Maybe I'll find a gal like Isabella who posted a thread for this column. Every day will be another baby step in those sexy high heels for me too!...Tanya

Jay said...

Open question to CiCi or any other of our community that can give me some pointers on gluing my new breast forms on. I am absolutely in love with my breasts and worn in a simple bra they look great. However, it will soon be summer and as much as I am well aware that I'm an older T Girl, I want so much to be able to wear halter tops and summer T's. I have not yet glued my breasts although I have gone out on several occasions now with them on and have been amazed (pleasantly surprised isn't strong enough) that I am being taken seriously. So, if anyone can help please drop me a line. I have a blog located at http://hesheme.blogspot.com/ and my email can be accessed from there as well.

I am always open to a lively conversation back and forth with anyone who chooses to say hi and I very aware that I have so much to learn. So, I await any of you who may be able to help me with my query.

Julie

Anonymous said...

Hello my name is Charles and i love dressing up as a girl but i do it at home. I do wear some girl clothes out in public and i wear a pony tail. I have never gone out in public fully dressed as a girl but would love to some day. I shave my legs every day and wear womens athletic wear out in public. I wear pantys 24/ 7. My e mail is ceb61150@aol.com. I live in central florida. I constantly wear my skirt while at home.

Tammy said...

Hi CiCi, been dressing since I was 5 yrs old. Have never thrown anything away unless I had grown out of it.
I love to dress and love to feel pretty. There are no male clothes that make me feel pretty, special or are made from those soft yummy fabrics that are so nice to wear.
My wife knows, my sisters know, heck I even told my mother in law, I figure the more that know the less shocks there are if someone comes over without calling first.

Love the column, all the best with the baby steps...Besides baby steps are so much fun to do in 7 inch heels with your nylons rubbing together as you walk:):):)

Working in San Antonio now and cannot find any T-grrl scene at all...will keep looking.

Take care sweety:)
Tammy

TommyTammy(at)breakthru.com

CiCi said...

Tammy,
Thanks so much for the comment, doll. And if i hear anything about the scene in S.A., i'll be sure to let you know!
xoxo,
CiCi

CiCi said...

Tammy,
Thanks so much for the comment, doll. And if i hear anything about the scene in S.A., i'll be sure to let you know!
xoxo,
CiCi

Anonymous said...

Hi CiCi! We just got off of an IM chat line and we are on the same fetish system, where we met. I want to thank you for your friendship and for your work on this blog space, "My Fem Place". It is important that you and anyone who reads this, my blog, knows that there exists another "CATEGORY" that IS an important, integral part of the "Fem Place"! In your introduction, which you have written so beautifully, you write that if anyone is reading this blog site THEN they(we) must all be somehow involved in, at least, the "cross dressing" SORORITY, so to speak. Well, my gorgeous, most beautiful t-gurl, I am not into cross dressing NOR should I be. If I ever tried to dress en femme, all the world would become celebit! I would be nothing but a hairy guy in women's clothing, and for all you who go to such great maticulous efforts to look so feminine and pretty, I wouldn't even be in the same ball park, let alone the same game. However that is not my point. What I really want to express is that there IS ANOTHER ENTITY, another category that is an INTEGRAL part, a necessary ingredient, a yin and a yang, if you will, to this ENTIRE EQUATION. What is it you might ask?? Well, I am one of those INTEGRAL PARTS, I am SOMEONE who SINCERELY desires, appreciates, understands, comprehends, empathises and loves all of you who are involved in the quagmire of the "t" in "t-gurl"! I am sure that there EXISTS an ENTIRE population of individuals who are like me, a person who totally appreciates, loves, wants and supports all of you who are however involved in your baby steps in 6 inch heels. A category that could be titled "Partners For Your Fem Place"!? I'm not sure what the title of this category should be named. Maybe, we could run a contest "Who can best name this category"?
I can't exactly tell you when I knew that I had this sincere desire, but I CAN tell you that my desire for all of you, not every one of you, just in categorical terms, is one of acceptance, support, caring and attraction. I am extremely empathetic with your plight. I am supportive of your cause and of your rights to be who you actually are, even if that doesn't have distinct boundries, or if those boundries shift from time to time or from situation to situation.
So, my lovely, sweet, beautiful CiCi, my dream gurl come true, please continue to be who you actually are. Never falter, never waiver, never stop being you. To ALL of you who read this blog, please continue to be who you actually are also. For anyone who wishes to contact me, you may do so at "heydoct2@yahoo.com" and thanks for your knowledge and inspiration, CiCi!

Dr. T.

Anonymous said...

I have posted this comment elsewhere.

I have been a cd for about 15 years, however I still do not know how to pick out clothes that will fit me, whether in the store or online. I love alot of the clothes in the fashion show as well on the suddenly fem website. I am looking for fellow cd's that can show me how to properly apply make-up, pick out clothes and maybe even have fun. Anybody from the 50501 area code or within 50 miles. E-mail me at Rachel4u6981@yahoo.com. Just ask and I will e-mail back some photos.

terrilee7721 said...

Thank you for taking the time to do this site, I cant seem to find any real support where I am. baby steps in high heels really helped me to start getting all my kittens in a row,,thank you sooooo much!!!!

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